The Royal Inner Circle truly does exist caroline1218 *sigh* Not one of us can crawl back into the womb of a different parent(s) however, compassionate therapeutic intervention is likely your one true way out of the birth canal into a new identity circle, just sayin.
I realised when I was 8 that if I wanted to go anywhere in life, to learn about how the world works, then my family were useless to me. I still get frustrated when I talk to them, but I had to get to the stage deep down, and it took years, that they were (and are still) just doing the best they can with what they have, and try and feel compassion towards them. It’s the only way for me to not go round in circles.
Increased avoidance is completely correlated with increased distrust of others. That can be a response to a break up for sure (people can become both more and less secure over life and switch overall styles as a result).
I wouldn't assume your friends are disappearing because you're "too much." It's far more likely they're insecure attachers themselves and also not coping well with (pandemic) stress and only thinking about what's easiest for themselves. That's just what insecure style people are bound to do when facing stress, it's part of the set of defense mechanisms.
I was friends with an FA woman who I introduced to attachment theory. She really dove in, said it was changing her life, became a way less flakey and better friend to me.
For a year. Then the last 2 years, gone. I think there's a good possibility she got tired of the back and forth as that's when I was reconciling with my FA ex. But she never said a word about it, nor took a breather for some space and boundary improvement and came back later. So I don't know for sure and wrote it off as she's FA with her own issues and something happened on her end, maybe related to me, maybe not, but I decided I didn't want to fix it just to keep around an unreliable friend.
A DA friend of a LONG time did the same. But eventually she betrayed me in an objectively really $hitty way and said, for 2 years I've been mad at you about this other petty thing and gave you hints but you never went away so I thought I'd teach you a lesson. And again, it's the same thing. Communicate, why would I assume you were dropping hints with the worst intentions after 15 years? Same conclusion though -- you have your own issues, we have some dynamic personality clashing, but do I choose to keep engaging?
Not after I learned I can't trust you, because you've shown me that.
But these are my decisions once I have enough information. Staying angry and resentful does me no good. They have some valid points about me not being perfect but ultimately they showed I can't rely on them. But as long as I can rely on and accept myself and know there's other good people out there, it's okay, we'll all move on.
Feeling angry for a little while is good. It's a processing stage that's exceptionally difficult for APs. But to mrob 's point, holding on to it instead of just doing boundary management once you learn about other peoples' limitations internalizes their problems and hurts yourself.
There's a difference between improving your boundaries and sliding more avoidant. I think you're at a point where you need to choose which path you're going to take. You're onto something core and important that's radiating out about how your parents conditioned you. And I think you found the crux of unconsciously developing that AP style in response. But now what are you going to do about it? Let them define you? Project that broken trust? Or find the strength to define and validate yourself no matter what they tried to dump on you because of whatever generational trauma they had heaped on them?
It's also okay to mourn not having and likely never having a good relationship with them as part of this processing... and getting angry and sad about that, too. But you still get to ultimately choose how you want to reshape your narrative as an adult.
Absolutely. There’s avoidance, and boundaries. I call my family once a week, for 40 mins. My mum puts the phone in the middle of the table on loudspeaker even though I have asked her not to do it for years, then she talks at me until it’s time to go, which is when I get somewhere. She doesn’t ask how I am, how her granddaughter is, ask questions, just talks about herself and her life.
I’ve cut everyone out of my life who does this except for my Mum. I know one person in particular is confused as to why I don’t talk to them any more. They would call it ghosting, I had to draw a line. I was a lonely child who would never turn down any kind of friendship. I choose now.
With my family, it has taken a long, long time to get to a point of true acceptance. I watched my ex-wife try and try with them. Their behaviour was just so foreign to her.
I know everyone says I showed lots of support etc and gave enough chances and should have no regrets, but it feels like betraying one of the two only people that have also understood this dark side of my life.
Walking away from an unhealthy relationship is not betraying the other person, it is an act of NOT betraying yourself.
I second what Alexandra said about re-writing your own narrative. if there's something ive learned after doing lots and lots of trauma/attachement healing is that its not what happened to you, its what you do with it... we always can make a different choice. it may not FEEL like the choice is possible, but we can do things to help ourselves to support making different choices...ie; we. may feel totally shut down emotionally and like we can't open to people... it feels impossible to open...so engaging in something like therapy or somatic experiencing where you are supporting your body and nervous system to work towards making different choices, so that you eventually give your system enough signals and support to learn its safe to be open. I am currently doing internal family systems work working with 'inner parts' and have found this to be quite transformative. Caroline it sounds like their are parts of you really hurting from what you experienced growing up, but they are just parts of you, not all of you. you have parts that are also strong, resilient, calm, joyful, etc...sometimes we just have lost touch with those parts because the parts that are in pain become louder... lots of love to you on your journey
Thank you Today was a rough self-exploration day. I just feel like I’m too sensitive, emotional, and misunderstood. It makes me just want to run and hide from everyone. Everyone else seems so much happier or at least not as emotional.
I read this today, it’s me to a T. Even down to touching fabrics and sensitivity to them or smells.
I want to look into somatic as well. i hear you Caroline. I experience what you do, and have even more so in the past. My take on this personally is that you have a heightened nervous system from trauma and attachment disturbances. I remember reading once that having sensitivity to fabrics is a result of the nervous system being overactive. as a kid i couldnt (and still cant) wear wool, and tight clothing like jeans drive me nuts. being very sensitive may be a natural disposition, but i do think its aggrevated by growing up with insensitive parents or trauma/abuse. i do believe that the parts of you that feel emotional and misunderstood etc are young parts of you. you also have adult parts that are strong and can take care of these young parts. its about developing a r/ship with these small wounded parts, and being a parent to them. the way to secure attachement, from what i have read and the therapies that are designed to move you towards that, is to develop 'self attachement', or an inner strong bond to your child parts...and that begins with accepting them, witnessing them, listening to them and attempting to begin to bring some tenderness to those parts. Journalling and trying to let different parts speak can be a great way to start opening up communication with these parts...as can something called 'morning pages' from the artists way book. do you know this? do you work with a therapist at all?