Thais Gibson's FA: Deactivating or Moving On? Video
Aug 2, 2020 22:19:41 GMT
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Dualcitizen likes this
Post by alexandra on Aug 2, 2020 22:19:41 GMT
She's making two main points.
The (unaware / unhealthy) FA is unable to engage in healthy communication.
The FA may double down on that bad communication by being disconnected from self and not understand their needs, so then they really can't communicate properly because they're misattributing them.
So instead, they test and push and pull, and at the base of that is trust issues that may or may not even have anything to do with you or reflect what they really want. But since they don't have the tools to deal with any of that, you can only be self-assured and consistent and respond in kind (pulling back when they do, it not mattering to you if they're not showing up during deactivation) if you want to keep the dance going.
But she's not suggesting a partner mind read or enable this. She ends it by saying, the partner does whatever while the FA has to do the heavy lifting of communicating and connecting more securely if they want satisfying relationships.
It was much easier for me to understand FA motivations and dynamics and what a healthy boundary looked like once I'd had a really firm understanding of my own attachment style. Then I had a solid and stable enough foundational perspective of one set of patterns to start looking objectively and really understanding how another individual set of completely different motivations and thinking could manifest. Understanding FA still really only helps in how engaging in that dynamic relates to you, as the goal is you as an individual having healthier interactions with people of all types. Whether the FA understands or doesn't why they're doing something doesn't really matter for you, as the outcome of that deactivation situation will always end up the same over time no matter what you do. What changes the dynamic is if they're working on their side of things, as Gibson ends the video suggesting they try to do.
The (unaware / unhealthy) FA is unable to engage in healthy communication.
The FA may double down on that bad communication by being disconnected from self and not understand their needs, so then they really can't communicate properly because they're misattributing them.
So instead, they test and push and pull, and at the base of that is trust issues that may or may not even have anything to do with you or reflect what they really want. But since they don't have the tools to deal with any of that, you can only be self-assured and consistent and respond in kind (pulling back when they do, it not mattering to you if they're not showing up during deactivation) if you want to keep the dance going.
But she's not suggesting a partner mind read or enable this. She ends it by saying, the partner does whatever while the FA has to do the heavy lifting of communicating and connecting more securely if they want satisfying relationships.
It was much easier for me to understand FA motivations and dynamics and what a healthy boundary looked like once I'd had a really firm understanding of my own attachment style. Then I had a solid and stable enough foundational perspective of one set of patterns to start looking objectively and really understanding how another individual set of completely different motivations and thinking could manifest. Understanding FA still really only helps in how engaging in that dynamic relates to you, as the goal is you as an individual having healthier interactions with people of all types. Whether the FA understands or doesn't why they're doing something doesn't really matter for you, as the outcome of that deactivation situation will always end up the same over time no matter what you do. What changes the dynamic is if they're working on their side of things, as Gibson ends the video suggesting they try to do.
