Today is a good day....last night I was stuck in freeze mode but today I am fully adult...fully open. Looking back at B in a more adult mindset...I realize I miss the feeling of being protected..and as an outlet of that....accepted (although I will admit it was not “Full” acceptance..it was “Partial” acceptance on things that were not accepted before). It also did not hurt that he was attractive to me. All my freeze activity, my longing, my fear is all tied to how things ended and I mean both endings...the time he broke up with me and the last time I saw him. I still have moments where I get consumed in feeling like I let him down...that I just could not be the “friend” post break up when I had promised to always be there for him. Reneging on that does not sit well with me at all...but I just did not have the tools to navigate it.
The road ahead is very different now...it is about acceptance of things as they are....even if they are not how my mom or even how I wanted them to be. Life is hard enough without adding self contempt to it.