Getting over the scarcity mindset as we age...

wow...can 't explain it but this was EXACTLY what i needed to hear! (read??). This is SUCH a good way to think about it and (truly) really resonated with me. Thank you so so much. Legit feel better already (also had a stressful therapy session which I don't think helped my anxiety)

Loved this: Appreciate what you have but don't cling to it. You'll be okay with or without him, hopefully it'll work out to be with him, but you'll be okay either way. That's the mindset you can try to affirm and reaffirm

TY Alexandra

For me, I don't really get caught up in the statistics. It seems unlikely because I am a very rational/logical person but really statistics are large amalgamations of data and aren't applicable to individuals. They also don't tell that whole story to the point that they are really only useful in a hypothetical and sociological settings.

Also, I would discard any conclusions made by internet bloggers using statistics to manipulate you. The "scarcity mindset" is absolutely a term from these blogs.

Here are some examples:

I'm over 30. It's so easy to bemoan myself thinking I won't get married, and I do sometimes worry I won't meet someone. I read a statistic, 25% of people in my age group will never get married. The highest percentage of unmarrieds ever. Depressing.

Re-examining my values and what's ACTUALLY important to me; I don't really care about being married. I want a long-term partnership, but I'm FA moving to secure and exaggerated displays of commitment and affection trigger me. When I visualize/meditate on my partnership, I see myself wading in to commitment at a steady pace. There's no big white wedding. How many others in the 25% have similar values?

Fertility decline statistics. Notice they're never put alongside the general fertility increase or the kinds of leaps and bounds made in fertility science? This is to manipulate and scare you. If you're over 30 and it's 1700, sure, you're old to start a family, but this is 2020. People are living longer and we have better health in general. Fertility and feeling "too old" are convenient distractions from the real inner work that you need to do to get to that point of self-acceptance.

Now I will tackle the dating pool and scarcity mindset. You say when you were younger you knew you would meet someone new but this has changed now that you're getting older. Well, let me explain that nothing has really changed. Imagine you are 21 and step into a bar with 100 men. 25 of them are avoidant, 25 are anxious, and 50 are secure.

You easily recognize the 25 avoidant men because they are "players". You get the vibe they are creeps only interested in sex. You move on. The 25 anxious men are too pushy and demanding. You are turned off by all of them and not interested. Now you choose a partner from the 50 secure available men.

It is 10 years later and you are 31 and single for whatever reason. You walk into the same bar. The same 25 anxious men and the same 25 avoidant men are still there. Are you suddenly going to be attracted to them and their behaviors? No. As long as you hold yourself accountable and maintain your standards, there is no reason anything has changed.

Ah, but there aren't as many secure men! That's true. There are only 25 secure men to choose from instead of 50. That's a little disappointing, I understand. But the pool of secure men is always rotating. This man was divorced, that man's wife died, he was in a LTR but it just didn't work out, he was focused on his career and is getting a late start on dating, etc.

Also the pool isn't 100 it is literally millions of people.

All well and good you recognizing your patterns Kitty, kudos to you, really courageous and a show of "strength" let's just say, to confront your own issues, identify them and try and be at peace with them.
But I would put this to you to contemplate, you don't have to be putting up with that type of behaviour from a potential boyfriend, particularly during your healing process imao.
As Thais says over there, if you wish to explore boundaries and self love here, express yourself directly (and mean it at your core), that you are putting in effort, trying, and need them to show up as well. Even set a date for him to show change, giving him a chance? If not, and here is where the secure attachment comes into play, you value yourself, not him on a pedestal (or any other fears driving the narrative), and there IS better out there.
If you have a dinner date set, "he was asleep" and never showed, that can be construed as the height of rudeness i'm afraid. He knew it was on, the time, the place, and did what he did. He's an adult now, you're an adult, you're taking responsibility for your actions, and he's not? 
Now you know he displays a F-A attachment, and is potentially trying to distance, but, how is that helping you personally? Is that complimentary to you in a positive healthy way? 
If you were with a truly secure person, and you had these insecurities/fears about abandonment, the secure at least would be reliable (even if "boring" potentially to you, due to no "familiar" drama basically), and you could genuinely remove a variable in the equation in relation to your last paragraph. If you "felt like running away", you could be mindful and know, that the secure isn't truly the one that's driving that narrative in the subconscious. You're making effort, he's clearly not. You're reaffirming fears here, after doing the right thing by yourself, then not really being fair on yourself. Don't lose sight of the good work you have done so far in understanding yourself.