Post by janesmith on Aug 16, 2020 18:33:14 GMT
Him - 32 DA
me (woman) 35 - this relationship has made me turned anxious preoccupied
We met 2 years ago on tinder... hit it off and started dating and began a full on relationship. He was super sweet and kind. We fell in love although we didn't say it at for a very long time and never officially asked to be bf/gf (we were just doing with the flow) but months later i asked and he said "yes of course we have been"
About 8 months into our relationship March 2019 i found out i would eventually have to go to another city to do a thesis within a year or so for about 4 months ...he kind of got freaked out and said he couldn't do it(abandonment issues stems from dad leaving him as a child then reappearing when he was an adult)... we broke up and I was so sad as our relationship was going so well. I stayed over because I was crying so much and the next morning I called into work- he said i could stay at his and he would come back later to make me dinner.. i didn't understand that and I left.
2 weeks later he contacted me and we started speaking again and dating again. We really loved each other and being together
Things were going very good- until then he got called away from a work trip in another country (usa- we are based in europe) which was supposed to be for 2 weeks that turned into over 2 months. (May 2019-July 2019).... we skyped every weekend and texted daily. He came back and we were good again- he got called back to the usa a few weeks after arriving for another month (September-October 2019)...again we kept in contact as much as we could.
During all this i found out I would have to go away for about 7 weeks (end of November 2019-end of January 2020) then come back for 6 then leave again. for another 7 weeks.
He arrived back October 2019- i was due to leave the end of november...we had spent so much time apart already- we both agreed to end our relationship once i left and maybe one day we could work it out again once our lives were more stable in a permanent after my next two long trips/thesis. We continued to be a couple until I left- with some fights in between that were caused by frustration of the breakup.
We both agreed maybe it could work in the future
I leave- sad, we stayed in contact a little bit- every few weeks- neither dating others or interested really.
I came back home at the end of. January- we didn't rush to see each other- mainly because he avoided me and basically behaved as our relationship from before didn't exist which really hurt me... eventually that changed- we began calling- he would ask if i met someone- i dated but didn't meet anyone special as i still wasn't over him, he said he also spoke to a couple girls but wasn't into it. We eventually ended up meeting my final 2 weeks in town before leaving again on March 13 2020- the beginning of the COVID outbreak...we spent nearly every other day together, with friends , in the city, together... but we still weren't together as i was leaving again.... he took me to the airport and i left once more..
Corona happened- and i got stuck in the USA for 3 months when it was supposed to be only 7 weeks.... We spoke and skyped alot...even did zoom with our friend groups... He was back home in Spain where there was an extreme quarantine-so i sent him delivery from our friends restaraunt so he could enjoy a nice meal - and see a friend...he was so surprised and thankful. we chatted and chatted all the time but never about where this was going. He even got me a birthday present- something we could do together for when i came back home.
I finally come home in june but had to quarantine 14 days- as soon as i got out- we met. Walked around, talked, went to our friends restaurant and to no surprise went home together- i didn't leave all weekend. We continued this weekly- meeting a few times a week then i asked "what is this?" he replied "i don't know but you just got back and have to leave again eventually for your thesis - so you aren't here full time YET and I don't want a relationship" He has abandonment issues and doesn't do well with distance it seems.He said wants to continue this and its up to me- that there are no other girls in his life and there wont be - just me- but he doesn't want a serious thing. I would also like to mention he is finished traveling for work and i dojn't travel until my project in April will last 3,5 months and then I will be finished traveling..... and we will both be based in the same city again
I still love him so i agreed for the time being... made me feel weird though. After he grabbed my hand and walked with me in the streets which i found strange- since 10 min before he said he didn't want to be with me. A week later it was somehow brought up again by me.. that i wanted more- he said he couldn't so i left- he tried to convince me to stay and was very sad- after i left he texted me 5 min later to come back and i foolishly did. That weekend he treated me even sweeter- and after that talk he made more efforts to see me more- went from 2. times per week to maybe 3-4 (and not just hookups- we would actually do things out of the house and with friends)
a week later I hung out with a guy friend of his for a project (photography) and had joked that he flirted with me.. he became a bit jealous and actually called himself my boyfriend..I said "what- you're my bf- you have made it VERY clear that you are not my bf" he was flustered and said "no"...30 minutes later i replied "if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck- its a duck...and i am saying you're my boyfriend" he didnt say anything...
The next couple of weeks continued like normal, and making plans - even up until the fall....fun you easy you know? Until last. weekend...he is going on a cycle tour with his best guy friend I spoke about introducing him to a friend on mine who livers where they are going, for local tips and such.. he said "yeah! that would be great- just tell him your friend is coming" ....i replied... "my friend...you mean my boyfriend" he shrugged and the rest of the night went on....it stayed with me...the word friend...
I slept at his and the next day we went cycling for a few hours and i was really quiet- he kept asking whats wrong- "nothing" i would say....the next day i left and was supposed to go back to his as we were going to go camping one night in the mountains the following day...he called me to ask when he could expect me and again he heard the sadness in my voice..i told him the word friend bothered me because i thought we were together...and i started crying... he told me to tell him what i wanted and it was my choice- I said i wanted more him to acknowledge that this has been basically a relationship all summer and this is more than a friendship... he suggested we shouldn't speak until september- as we have always been in contact. I said ok-
I had to get my things I had left at his so we met in a public place - and it was weird- we did some shopping around the city and actually were laughing and having a great time like we always do- one thing we have both admitted- is that we both really love how we have always been very good friends, not just a couple- then came the time to part....
we sat at a fountain and he said he was sad and would be sadder in a few days- we just needed time apart- in which i replied "there has been months where we haven't seen eachother and we always have a spark and start things" he said "you're right" and he looked away. we have never not spoken so i guess this is the only different thing. He says he hopes with time we can be friends because i am one of his best friends (yet he is still so attracted to me) i don't see how it will work since we always try to be just friends when we meet- then we start again.... He said we could message in September to check in on eachother. Which i honestly dont get... he said he needed space but he loved me , he would miss me alot and for me to enjoy the rest of the summer...
I texted him about an hour later that i was sad- all he said was "it will pass- we just need time apart".... we have gone through a lot of time apart though and yeah i feel better after i awhile but then we meet and start again because of the chemistry
I have never dealt with this before- we both clearly love each other and keep coming back- i wouldn't say on and off because we have never officially gotten back together since November 2019...we have just remained constants..
He is a DA- can't admit feelings really, pushes me away, I have become anxious from this relationship... We are in the dance. we both want the same kind of future- no kids etc/dont believe in marriage- so its not like we want diff things... so its not like i am asking much - you know? I just want acknowledgement
Its so weird because we have been broken up for 8 months now and when we see each other we are like a couple.. he pushes the idea away but then always initiates the dating again. I don't understand why he said lets check in with each other in September to see how we are getting on.. What is going to change because when we haven't seen each other for months at a time the spark is still there.
He has started opening up a little i feel this past time - meaning making plans for the near future- making more time for me- even planning a project together. When the issue of commitment is not brought up- we are actually very good together- he has become one of my closest friends.
I think he is so confused with what to do with me - he wants me but doesn't know how to accept it himself......I think me leaving is triggering his dad leaving..... the 2 times we have spoken about our status he always brings up me leaving.
Some of my friends say just end it for good- and the others say just enjoy the time we have together before I leave again.
Is it common for DAs to linger around for this long??? Has anyone had a story similar to this???
me (woman) 35 - this relationship has made me turned anxious preoccupied
We met 2 years ago on tinder... hit it off and started dating and began a full on relationship. He was super sweet and kind. We fell in love although we didn't say it at for a very long time and never officially asked to be bf/gf (we were just doing with the flow) but months later i asked and he said "yes of course we have been"
About 8 months into our relationship March 2019 i found out i would eventually have to go to another city to do a thesis within a year or so for about 4 months ...he kind of got freaked out and said he couldn't do it(abandonment issues stems from dad leaving him as a child then reappearing when he was an adult)... we broke up and I was so sad as our relationship was going so well. I stayed over because I was crying so much and the next morning I called into work- he said i could stay at his and he would come back later to make me dinner.. i didn't understand that and I left.
2 weeks later he contacted me and we started speaking again and dating again. We really loved each other and being together
Things were going very good- until then he got called away from a work trip in another country (usa- we are based in europe) which was supposed to be for 2 weeks that turned into over 2 months. (May 2019-July 2019).... we skyped every weekend and texted daily. He came back and we were good again- he got called back to the usa a few weeks after arriving for another month (September-October 2019)...again we kept in contact as much as we could.
During all this i found out I would have to go away for about 7 weeks (end of November 2019-end of January 2020) then come back for 6 then leave again. for another 7 weeks.
He arrived back October 2019- i was due to leave the end of november...we had spent so much time apart already- we both agreed to end our relationship once i left and maybe one day we could work it out again once our lives were more stable in a permanent after my next two long trips/thesis. We continued to be a couple until I left- with some fights in between that were caused by frustration of the breakup.
We both agreed maybe it could work in the future
I leave- sad, we stayed in contact a little bit- every few weeks- neither dating others or interested really.
I came back home at the end of. January- we didn't rush to see each other- mainly because he avoided me and basically behaved as our relationship from before didn't exist which really hurt me... eventually that changed- we began calling- he would ask if i met someone- i dated but didn't meet anyone special as i still wasn't over him, he said he also spoke to a couple girls but wasn't into it. We eventually ended up meeting my final 2 weeks in town before leaving again on March 13 2020- the beginning of the COVID outbreak...we spent nearly every other day together, with friends , in the city, together... but we still weren't together as i was leaving again.... he took me to the airport and i left once more..
Corona happened- and i got stuck in the USA for 3 months when it was supposed to be only 7 weeks.... We spoke and skyped alot...even did zoom with our friend groups... He was back home in Spain where there was an extreme quarantine-so i sent him delivery from our friends restaraunt so he could enjoy a nice meal - and see a friend...he was so surprised and thankful. we chatted and chatted all the time but never about where this was going. He even got me a birthday present- something we could do together for when i came back home.
I finally come home in june but had to quarantine 14 days- as soon as i got out- we met. Walked around, talked, went to our friends restaurant and to no surprise went home together- i didn't leave all weekend. We continued this weekly- meeting a few times a week then i asked "what is this?" he replied "i don't know but you just got back and have to leave again eventually for your thesis - so you aren't here full time YET and I don't want a relationship" He has abandonment issues and doesn't do well with distance it seems.He said wants to continue this and its up to me- that there are no other girls in his life and there wont be - just me- but he doesn't want a serious thing. I would also like to mention he is finished traveling for work and i dojn't travel until my project in April will last 3,5 months and then I will be finished traveling..... and we will both be based in the same city again
I still love him so i agreed for the time being... made me feel weird though. After he grabbed my hand and walked with me in the streets which i found strange- since 10 min before he said he didn't want to be with me. A week later it was somehow brought up again by me.. that i wanted more- he said he couldn't so i left- he tried to convince me to stay and was very sad- after i left he texted me 5 min later to come back and i foolishly did. That weekend he treated me even sweeter- and after that talk he made more efforts to see me more- went from 2. times per week to maybe 3-4 (and not just hookups- we would actually do things out of the house and with friends)
a week later I hung out with a guy friend of his for a project (photography) and had joked that he flirted with me.. he became a bit jealous and actually called himself my boyfriend..I said "what- you're my bf- you have made it VERY clear that you are not my bf" he was flustered and said "no"...30 minutes later i replied "if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck- its a duck...and i am saying you're my boyfriend" he didnt say anything...
The next couple of weeks continued like normal, and making plans - even up until the fall....fun you easy you know? Until last. weekend...he is going on a cycle tour with his best guy friend I spoke about introducing him to a friend on mine who livers where they are going, for local tips and such.. he said "yeah! that would be great- just tell him your friend is coming" ....i replied... "my friend...you mean my boyfriend" he shrugged and the rest of the night went on....it stayed with me...the word friend...
I slept at his and the next day we went cycling for a few hours and i was really quiet- he kept asking whats wrong- "nothing" i would say....the next day i left and was supposed to go back to his as we were going to go camping one night in the mountains the following day...he called me to ask when he could expect me and again he heard the sadness in my voice..i told him the word friend bothered me because i thought we were together...and i started crying... he told me to tell him what i wanted and it was my choice- I said i wanted more him to acknowledge that this has been basically a relationship all summer and this is more than a friendship... he suggested we shouldn't speak until september- as we have always been in contact. I said ok-
I had to get my things I had left at his so we met in a public place - and it was weird- we did some shopping around the city and actually were laughing and having a great time like we always do- one thing we have both admitted- is that we both really love how we have always been very good friends, not just a couple- then came the time to part....
we sat at a fountain and he said he was sad and would be sadder in a few days- we just needed time apart- in which i replied "there has been months where we haven't seen eachother and we always have a spark and start things" he said "you're right" and he looked away. we have never not spoken so i guess this is the only different thing. He says he hopes with time we can be friends because i am one of his best friends (yet he is still so attracted to me) i don't see how it will work since we always try to be just friends when we meet- then we start again.... He said we could message in September to check in on eachother. Which i honestly dont get... he said he needed space but he loved me , he would miss me alot and for me to enjoy the rest of the summer...
I texted him about an hour later that i was sad- all he said was "it will pass- we just need time apart".... we have gone through a lot of time apart though and yeah i feel better after i awhile but then we meet and start again because of the chemistry
I have never dealt with this before- we both clearly love each other and keep coming back- i wouldn't say on and off because we have never officially gotten back together since November 2019...we have just remained constants..
He is a DA- can't admit feelings really, pushes me away, I have become anxious from this relationship... We are in the dance. we both want the same kind of future- no kids etc/dont believe in marriage- so its not like we want diff things... so its not like i am asking much - you know? I just want acknowledgement
Its so weird because we have been broken up for 8 months now and when we see each other we are like a couple.. he pushes the idea away but then always initiates the dating again. I don't understand why he said lets check in with each other in September to see how we are getting on.. What is going to change because when we haven't seen each other for months at a time the spark is still there.
He has started opening up a little i feel this past time - meaning making plans for the near future- making more time for me- even planning a project together. When the issue of commitment is not brought up- we are actually very good together- he has become one of my closest friends.
I think he is so confused with what to do with me - he wants me but doesn't know how to accept it himself......I think me leaving is triggering his dad leaving..... the 2 times we have spoken about our status he always brings up me leaving.
Some of my friends say just end it for good- and the others say just enjoy the time we have together before I leave again.
Is it common for DAs to linger around for this long??? Has anyone had a story similar to this???
