How do you get rid of the longing?

I think it’s still the reward mechanism being activated in the brain - an addiction. I would research techniques and treatments in overcoming addiction.
For what it’s worth, when I’m on the right meds these thoughts don’t even cross my mind as that reward pathway is not used. I don’t even remember who my last object of affection (addiction for me) was, but if I come across them either on line or in person, I remember, but I don’t linger.

i had the same impulses, but what I'm craving is having connections and feeling connected. There's nothing quite like the rush of connecting for me and it's something very core of me.

In addition to what annieb and alexandra did, I took to sharing stuff online (fb groups, twitter, interest groups), joining this forum, and journalling. If i had thoughts about TV shows, I googled those thoughts and read about how other people thought that way and what else they thought about. I "connected" by chatting to strangers e.g., waiters, cashiers, to satisfy the need for connectedness but in a safe way because there is no strings/ties attached. I created ways of connection that I could do everyday without being attached to anyone in particular, and the lesson is that you can do that with anything and anyone and anytime. And most times, the things you're connecting on (e.g., article, tv show, thought, meme, talking about random things in a day) are really not that important in terms of seeking out a partner for. A partner is way more than a source of connection, and therefore should be held to higher and broader standards for ourselves.

Most fundamentally, my belief system shifted - i decided that being alone and unconnected (not disconnected!!) was better for me than connecting with those who are bad for me. The rush is wonderful but everything else was a disaster. It's like marrying someone you have great sex with - sex is great but life is terrible. My belief system shifted to me and my well-being as priority, that being calm and safe and neutral is better than the highs I constantly seek, even if I miss the highs and all that jazz.

In short, i fulfilled my need for connectedness in varied and harmless ways, mainly with strangers and others with similar interests - the key is really connecting without attaching. focused deeply on myself and paid (some) attention to those who are reliable and safe. decided that it's better to be alone and unconnected than connect with what threatens my well-being.

alice it may be helpful to think find ways of connecting with people who have no ties to you (like us!!), by becoming an online mentor, finding a therapy, joining a reading group or whatever. The guys you've mentioned are all people with ties to you - friends, coworkers, potential partners. There's expectations and attachments already in that tie. That's nice but "dangerous" because you're equating/confounding connection and relationships.

This is a very helpful conversation for myself as I'm now concretizing my thoughts. In my mind, these things are separated: need for connectedness (my inner needs), connection (the feeling of being understood/seen/heard), relationships (a pattern of interacting with another individual). while relationships are a source of connections that fulfill my need for connectedness, it is not the only source. When we rely on one source, or think of that source as connection, then we are left longing when that source is gone. The best and most reliable source is the self, and therefore, it becomes important to find connection with oneself, by building a relationship with self, so that the need for connectedness is always (mostly) fulfilled.

but you are extremely right that COVID makes it harder to find connections - it's hard even to chat with the cashier or cafe wait staff!! No doubt it's a challenging time. I hope you take it easy on yourself and treat yourself to lots of good food and entertainment!

About the longing that you want to get rid of:

You can regulate (watertank exercise, orienting exercise, neurosensory exercises)

What would happen if you said to yourself:
Okay longing, there you are. And that's okay. You are allowed to be here Right Now, now that you are here. (When you say right now, you are telling yourself that it is not going to last).
If you have resistance you say the same thing to the resistance.
The same with the anger and what else is coming up.
You can give yourself a selfhug while you are saying it or put a hand or your heart . (paradoxial change method)

You can use coming into secure exercise twice a day and imagining a person, animal ect is holding a supportive hand between your shoulder blades. (secure forum)

You can do some anger exercises (two chair anger exercise ect) (general discussion forum)

You can use the rubberband method (healing ap thread)

I don't think it's a problem in itself - it's very normal and natural to seek those connections because they're more "reliable" sources, particularly now that it's hard to do any sort of interactions with strangers!

I think the risk, for me at least, was that it can evolve new issues over time due to the already existing connections/relationship/dynamics/etc etc. And i tend to swing hard into the opposite ends when i'm trying out something new, so it might just be a me thing, haha! When i practiced this, I was in a new country with limited people to connect with. most of them are people I've met online or at work, and those are also difficult relationships to navigate even if there was connection. Quite a few people at work have clearly demonstrably retreated from connection and connecting, which makes it difficult for me to practice connecting without attaching. For me, the easiest and safest was strangers whom interactions are limited and there's no risk of threatening actual relationships.

I guess the biggest takeaway for me in my experimentation with fulfilling longing is that the ability to do it with anyone makes me more confident in myself that I do not need particular persons to fulfill the need - this takes away alot of pressure to stay in relationships that are unfulfilling, as well as the need to protect any relationships I have because I am afraid that the source of fulfillment may be gone. acquaintances and friends are great options - they're safer and more consistent sources. There's value to having a wide range of connection sources - from strangers to close intimate partners, and it's great to span all that range!