kelly
New Member
Posts: 47
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Post by kelly on Sept 8, 2020 21:27:16 GMT
I am sorry for the heartbreak you are going through! It’s so painful, I know. I’m going to say something that might sound cliche’, but it seems true. You dodged a bullet. This man thinks he can do better. This is not someone that would’ve valued and treasured you. If you would’ve married him, his underlying feelings might have pushed him to cheat and/or be very unhappy, which would’ve made you miserable. I’m not even sure that he’s DA. Seems like he just wants (what he thinks) is the bigger and better deal. A lot of times, people like this come to realize when it’s too late that what they had was the REAL deal. Do yourself a favor...don’t waste another minute on pining for someone that doesn’t see the love that’s right in front of him. There are men out there that will love and appreciate you. They won’t need to “think about it” or try other options. Wait for that man. You’ll be glad you did.
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shamy
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by shamy on Sept 9, 2020 9:49:06 GMT
Thanks Kelly!
I am trying hard no to think about it or not to feel this miserable. But a part of me is seeking for some closure. When he says "I KNOW YOU LOVE ME AND I FEEL THE SAME FOR YOU. BUT I WANT TO ENTER A MARRIAGE AS A SECURED PERSON, which I am not currently because of my fears and I want to get over it."
One statement that seemed like a particularly DA statement to me was: "I feel I have you in my life by luck and that makes me fear and doubt of losing you some day. If I get over my fears and get a girl on my efforts, I will no more feel insecure".
Do you see any way I can help him get over all this?
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Post by amber on Sept 11, 2020 23:28:00 GMT
What this man is communicating here is his attachment issues...he is insecure and afraid of committing when it comes to the crunch. His crap about wanting to see other women to build his confidence is just his way of saying he is terrified of commitment and probably has poor self worth. It’s a story he tells himself. It’s not the truth. He will repeat this with other women unless he becomes aware and works on himself. He’s 37...usually a time when a lot of men are ready to settle down. So that speaks volumes about his emotional maturity and availability. Now on the other side of the coin is the question around why you allow this behaviour in your life; why do you tolerate this and keep taking him back? This is where you attachment issues are at play, and this is now a good chance to look at yourself and begin the healing process
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shamy
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by shamy on Sept 13, 2020 7:36:51 GMT
Agreed Amber.
I am reading about my shifted AP behaviour and trying my best to catch myself consciously in those moments.
Is this common across avoidants and do they really get over their insecurities? What he is saying about getting over the fear, is that a conscious attempt to become secure?
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Post by serenity on Sept 13, 2020 9:01:56 GMT
Agreed Amber. I am reading about my shifted AP behaviour and trying my best to catch myself consciously in those moments. Is this common across avoidants and do they really get over their insecurities? What he is saying about getting over the fear, is that a conscious attempt to become secure? Hugs Shamy, Thats so awful  What he said is cruel, and makes no sense except through the lens of an avoidant personality. In which case, you are dealing with a mind that will say or do literally anything to avoid close connection and real committment. He's not on a path to becoming secure, but rather he has demonstrated his " grass is greener" attitude towards women, which is a very typical avoidant mindset. He's also cheated on you, and you have challenge yourself by asking why you would marry a guy like that anyway? Would you really marry a cheat? Is "cheating" high on your list of marriage-worthy qualities in a man? Don't you owe yourself more than that? Avoidants usually bond strongly with their loved ones, then swing avoidant and stay that way, that's the story you will read over and over on these forums. It heart wrenching losing the man, and the relationship. you loved so much. I'm so sorry for your pain and for the confusion and loss you're experiencing, hon. There's nothing you can do, his damage started young. sending love. |
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shamy
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by shamy on Sept 14, 2020 8:31:22 GMT
Agreed Amber. I am reading about my shifted AP behaviour and trying my best to catch myself consciously in those moments. Is this common across avoidants and do they really get over their insecurities? What he is saying about getting over the fear, is that a conscious attempt to become secure? Hugs Shamy, Thats so awful What he said is cruel, and makes no sense except through the lens of an avoidant personality. In which case, you are dealing with a mind that will say or do literally anything to avoid close connection and real committment. He's not on a path to becoming secure, but rather he has demonstrated his " grass is greener" attitude towards women, which is a very typical avoidant mindset. He's also cheated on you, and you have challenge yourself by asking why you would marry a guy like that anyway? Would you really marry a cheat? Is "cheating" high on your list of marriage-worthy qualities in a man? Don't you owe yourself more than that? Avoidants usually bond strongly with their loved ones, then swing avoidant and stay that way, that's the story you will read over and over on these forums. It heart wrenching losing the man, and the relationship. you loved so much. I'm so sorry for your pain and for the confusion and loss you're experiencing, hon. There's nothing you can do, his damage started young. sending love. Thank you Serenity. You are right, its a tough tough time for me and its just making me more and more anxious. Hope thing get better soon. |
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What he said is cruel, and makes no sense except through the lens of an avoidant personality. In which case, you are dealing with a mind that will say or do literally anything to avoid close connection and real committment. He's not on a path to becoming secure, but rather he has demonstrated his " grass is greener" attitude towards women, which is a very typical avoidant mindset. He's also cheated on you, and you have challenge yourself by asking why you would marry a guy like that anyway? Would you really marry a cheat? Is "cheating" high on your list of marriage-worthy qualities in a man? Don't you owe yourself more than that?