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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2017 21:25:16 GMT
By the way, just for clarification, I said "starfish sex" for affect. Just to show how utterly and ridiculously accommodating I could be. And to think that even THIS level of husbandly self abasement is too much to ask of many modern feminized Western Civ women. Shocking how miserly they've become.
And by the way, just for clarification, I am very keen on, and I dare say proficient at, pleasuring my woman orally. Can't get enough of it.
It's just a crying shame bordering on criminality that not even this ever had any meaningful de-icing effect on my particular DA (and I'm gonna go ahead and generalize that this would be pretty much the same for all female DAs). So sad. So horribly sad.
Still, had she only not love-bombed me in the first place and pretended to like sex, I never would be calling what she did to me "fraud."
But she did love-bomb me in the first place. She did pretend to be sexual. Right up to that first bite of wedding cake.
And so, yes, what she did to me was indeed 100% an act of fraud.
No one EVER has the right to question why I am bringing my son up to never ever get married. Don't even try. You're not gonna like my reaction. I will defend my son from this society.
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Post by serene13 on Oct 7, 2017 21:58:26 GMT
Rest assured, Dear Lover, your comments are appreciated by others on this forum. It seems Trinn is in such a bad place, he cannot and will not accept or tolerate any suggestions from those who have been there or otherwise wish to help. I recognise where he's at - he's painting all women - in his words 'modern' women - with the same brush as his ex. If he can't work his way out of this - he will remain a lonely, bitter guy (which by the way, Trinn, will not work out well for your kids). I feel for where he's at - but please don't take any of his comments personally.
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Post by osemka8 on Oct 8, 2017 11:58:17 GMT
I will contribute my 2 cents here, since I, as a secure, find this thread very offensive.
As other users said, I too feel for you and your situation. I'm not pittying cause consequences come from our own actions, but the fact that you're putting all women in the same basket and generalizing, is quite offensive. And I'm a male. This is simply not true. I've met pleny of them to stand by my statement.
I have had only bad experiences in my love life. I count it as my fault for getting involved with them, but it's been an amazing experience and I've learnt a lot cause I don't feel sorry for myself. My loss cannot be compared to yours, but you are trying to fix things at the wrong end. Telling your son that he shouldn't get married because you made mistakes is (sorry) utter bullshit. The right thing, in my opinion, is telling him (when he is old enough to understand) which were your experiences and what he should be careful about. From then on it's his life and his decisions. Love is an amazing place to be with the right person, but everyone gets their hearts broken coming there.
Since you spoke only negatively about your wife, how you want her gone and how you're over her, you are now saying you want to be with her (don't mind the reasons). I suggest you take time for yourself and learn why is that. I thought I was over things and that I knew everything, but as soon as you get to know yourself, you'll find all the answers. I advise you to stop with what you're doing and learn from what you've experienced. I'm really sorry you went through this and hope it's just that phase where your head is all over the place and it needs to settle down. Be a role model for your kids. No money doesn't mean no dignity or self-worth/self-esteem.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 14:44:45 GMT
I want to clarify something - sex without partner's consent = rape, whether one is married or not married, male or female, young or old.
If your partner refuses to have sex with you, you need to get to the bottom of this and do what it takes to receive her consent again. And if it's over, it's over, go and look for sex elsewhere with willing others.
How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Eg, you are not attracted to, say, an x type of women and your partner were to grow into one and she insists that you have sex with her even though you feel repelled by her?
All of us here have scars to show, whether we are DAs or partners of DAs. You are not the only one and probably not the one who has suffered the most. There will always be those who are better or worse off than us, but what we all share here is an attitude of support for the troubles we have all experienced. We ask questions and hope to receive answers to address our own predicament. No one here is responsible at all for what the rest of us went through, so you need to learn to respect our boundaries.
DearLover went through a horrible marriage and possibly some terrible relationships with DAs, she doesn't have to justify to you or anyone her experiences, decisions and feelings. They are hers and hers alone.
I'm so sorry that there are no time machines to magically transport you to a "less modern" period (Neanderthal?), but I would suggest joining the Amish or Mormon commune to avoid "modern women and modern relationships".
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 15:17:56 GMT
I will contribute my 2 cents here, since I, as a secure, find this thread very offensive. As other users said, I too feel for you and your situation. I'm not pittying cause consequences come from our own actions, but the fact that you're putting all women in the same basket and generalizing, is quite offensive. And I'm a male. This is simply not true. I've met pleny of them to stand by my statement. I have had only bad experiences in my love life. I count it as my fault for getting involved with them, but it's been an amazing experience and I've learnt a lot cause I don't feel sorry for myself. My loss cannot be compared to yours, but you are trying to fix things at the wrong end. Telling your son that he shouldn't get married because you made mistakes is (sorry) utter bullshit. The right thing, in my opinion, is telling him (when he is old enough to understand) which were your experiences and what he should be careful about. From then on it's his life and his decisions. Love is an amazing place to be with the right person, but everyone gets their hearts broken coming there. Since you spoke only negatively about your wife, how you want her gone and how you're over her, you are now saying you want to be with her (don't mind the reasons). I suggest you take time for yourself and learn why is that. I thought I was over things and that I knew everything, but as soon as you get to know yourself, you'll find all the answers. I advise you to stop with what you're doing and learn from what you've experienced. I'm really sorry you went through this and hope it's just that phase where your head is all over the place and it needs to settle down. Be a role model for your kids. No money doesn't mean no dignity or self-worth/self-esteem. Thank you very much Osemka8 - I also find this thread offensive - in great contrast to the usual very supportive and positive healing environment that I have benefited from on these boards. There are a great many people out there, men and women, who would like to cultivate a healthy and mutually respectful relationship with the opposite sex and almost all of the posts that I've come across here have been supremely respectful, even to the damaged partners who have caused such pain. All of us need to look to ourselves first to heal and it's often much easier to blame and shame than it is examine our own behaviours and beliefs all of which have brought us to the relationships which in turn led to here. I'd like to say a big thank you to everyone for sharing their painful stories and offering support and kindness to those who've been similarly affected - and to those who have unwittingly caused pain to their partners. It's a rare place which lacks bitterness and shows such forgiveness in the face of real hurt and I think this is why this thread stands out as being so starkly different. |
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Post by howpredictable on Oct 9, 2017 3:15:33 GMT
Trinn,
Nothing I'm about to write is intended to criticize you, or try to shut you down. I'm actually writing to try to optimize your chances at getting the help you say you want from the people on this forum.
You started posting a week ago. In that time you have written inflammatory posts about DAs/FAs (of which I am one). You have offended at least one secure (osemka8), and -- I take the liberty of surmising -- several female posters (learningalongtheway, DearLover, curious, ocarina). Your posts started with specific and vitriolic complaints about your DA wife, and have since broadened to include controversial positions about "modern women". That last topic developed in a thread you started, ostensibly asking forum DAs for help on how to have one last shot at saving your marriage "for the sake of your kids".
If you are here merely to have a place to vent your obvious and profound hurt about your current predicament, then keep going as you have been doing, with the understanding that you will soon enough exhaust the patience of your audience.
But if you truly want advice and even sympathetic support (which the forum members are truly exceptional at giving), then I invite you to reflect on whether your current approach is optimally effective. I don't think it is. Because as I hope you can see, the ranks are starting to close against you.
Hopefully you will embrace this advice, Trinn, in light of the helpful spirit in which it is offered. |
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Post by aisling on Oct 10, 2017 8:42:27 GMT
trinn,
since no one else is going to say this, i am. what you're advocating for is rape. pure and simple. no one owes you their body, marriage or not. you do not OWN them. you're borderline red-pill-ing everything with this talk about "modern western civ women," and it's sickening to see that level of misogyny and toxic blame-shifting on a safe space like this. a safe space that is sensitive to the many of us who have experienced sexual trauma/abuse because of folks who felt they were owed our bodies. this isn't just about you and your experiences. you are directly harming any number of people on this site who experience reoccurring traumatizing thoughts, PTSD, etc. On their behalf, and my own, I am speaking up.
several people, with kids, have left DAs. i question whether or not your wife is a DA considering the toxic level of blame that you have shifted onto ALL women in a scary, alt-right way, because i don't know a lot of secure/APs who would do that since most of APs are pretty codependent, but that's irrelevant. the point is that many people have divorced, the children have survived, and everyone has moved on with their lives, despite the heartbreak. that sounds harsh, i'm sure. if you showed respect, care, and decency towards any of the number of very lovely, caring posters here, i would've sympathized, but no. bottom line is that you and you alone are responsible for your life, feelings, actions, etc. no one can make you do anything.
you need professional help, and not just because you have an attachment injury.
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 11, 2017 0:54:08 GMT
i think that DAs can change to some degree, with an understanding spouse, of which you are not. I think your relationship could possibly work if you come to an agreement that you can get sex on the side, but otherwise your inability to empathize with your spouse or care about her feelings/wishes are going to doom the relationship as much as any of her behaviors. I realize you're bitter about your sexless marriage, but it isn't her job to want to have sex with you. Either divorce her, ask for an open relationship, or accept a sexless marriage, but don't sit around becoming a woman-hater just because you didn't get out marriage what you wanted to get out of it. It takes two to change.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 18, 2019 11:21:46 GMT
When you have children, truly your life is no longer your own. Not if you're not a psychopath or whatever. Had I only known there could be such a bleak, painful, long, dead trudge of a dysfunctional cycle between two people, I would never have even dated. Too dangerous. I thought I was being rational at the time. I set out to deliberately find someone NOT like my mother. And on a personality and temperament level I did; but on the subconscious level, on the "emotionally unavailable vibes" level, without my realizing it my subconscious was honing right in on that superficial love bombing thing she did, like a moth to an incinerating flame. That such a sick dynamic as this is even possible between two people makes dating and mating soooo not worth it. As if there were not already a dozen other societal puss sore issues that make it not worth the risk, there's also this. Yeah, it's pretty creepy when just fulfilling one's most rudimentary conjugal duties for a few minutes a week is too much to ask of a DA. Crickets. I hear crickets and silence. What a nightmare. You folks with no young children tying you to your source of frustration, you have no idea. No idea. Any advice you could give is like listening to advice on parenting from non-parents. Yeah. Sure. Whatever. I can check out all I want, but I can't LEAVE. And, over time, as my DA notices I am checked out, she starts to slowly, glacially, progressively drop the paranoid robot act and gradually (albeit temporarily) act like a real, live, non-vulcan human being again. The more checked out I get, the more she'll eventually (albeit temporarily) match me with her feigned attempt at artificial affection for me. I have to keep seeing her. Multiple times a week. For many years to come. As we switch off children duties. That means I gotta KEEP checking myself out to a newer, stronger level, every time she recalibrates and tries to give me just enough more vague pseudo-affection to rope me in yet again. In other words, it's a sick game I gotta keep playing, over and over and over, for years to come with this person. This is so beyond effed up I don't even have words for it anymore. I can tell you I had small children and still chose to leave. My husband would’ve been ok to keep me there also if I would give him obligatory sex but I couldn’t live that sham of a life- not even for my children. In the end I left for my children- I didn’t want them to witness a toxic marriage and view that as normal...I’d rather them see me as a single parent doing the best I can to provide a happy and healthy home for them. Obligatory sex isn’t for me. Move on |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2019 13:42:00 GMT
Yikes.
I sat in a courtroom and watched a man who sounded just like OP have his kids taken away from him completely while he completed some mandatory mental health screening and treatment for an as of yet undiagnosed ( but suspected by everyone) personality disorder.
His wife was gently and compassionately ordered to therapy for support for the horrendous emotional abuse she endured over years of oppressive control. She was completely beat down.
Lots of his behavior at home was captured on tape , with transcripts. She had followed the sugggestion of a police officer who responded to a call for help but found no physical evidence of assault. Sometimes the worst abuse, as we know, leaves no mark on the body. His attorney tried to suppress the tapes but they were played in open court. The man's rant was eerily similar in the bitterness, childish lack of personal responsibility, justifications, blame, and entitlement to his wife's body. Of course there was lots of other off the wall stuff too, his "frustration" with her fueled hours of tantrums.
Obviously it's not all down to attachment,
And it's always good to mind your side of the street, you never know when someone's about to hold you accountable. He walked out of the courtroom holding his chest like he had just had a heart attack, he thought he was the one that would find sympathy. I don't know if the intervention did him any good but it sure helped his wife and children.
It's an old, sick thread but since it's been drug up, there's a perspective on such a predicament, in case anyone suffers something similar.
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Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 8:45:52 GMT
I let her know the last time we almost got back together for the children that I don't even care if she touches me or is affectionate, as long as TWICE A WEEK, we are going to have sex at a time that I want. If she wants any more than that (not likely at all), fine. But twice a week, she's giving me her body Just.... yikes. Way to assign your wife an attachment style to guilt her into sex. Creep. She doesn't want you. Accept it. I know you're deleted now but holy shit... |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 16, 2019 15:19:44 GMT
- Children are still young - so when the time it right plenty of time to meet someone - money is irrelevant. Ha. I couldn't let this one go. Only a female could write this. Listen, when you're a dude, and if it's a relationship with a female you're after, money is ALWAYS relevant. You can learn seduction tactics and pump and dump women with very little money, but you can't do a relationship with a female with very little money. It's like an ugly woman trying to have a relationship with a man: men might use her for a night, but if she's ugly, good luck getting more than beer-goggle one night stands. When it comes to money: a man will finance a woman for life, but never will a woman do the same for a man for very long. Hypergamy is reality. I call bull on this one....I would have married the man I was dating who was living at home and working a low paying job...that is because I was not looking at money as a criteria..money comes and goes...character is way more important. I know that he will eventually get a great paying job....circumstance do not trump character. |
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