Post by sj on Sept 17, 2020 22:15:26 GMT
I met my now ex exactly one year ago, he's been married, no kids, there'd been a debate, she wanted then didn't want then I wanted bit accused me of not wanting etc.... I is strong, intelligent, self-reliant, apparently he wanted children. Before that he had meta consultant who abused him, I found that confusing... you're strong, an MD, tall, vocal about my abuse. Then we grew close, he stated he was worried about my drinking and that he would pay for me to get help.. I had always used alcohol as a way to support me through my own trauma and experiences of a narcissistic mother and abuse by men. My man charted a yacht in Antigua for me, it was my 40th, biological clock ticking, he's hearing it loud and clear, pressure is on, so he felt. Everything was amazing! We don't argue, we banter, we both love sailing, we both want kids, have similar views, we#re so honest and sexually.. it's fantastic.! I then declared I would stop drinking and I bought a book to help me ovulate which he saw, . .... December 31st... it was like a switch had been flicked off.... he backed off, he was very resistant, stated things like, 'I just look at you and feel nothing', 'sorry hun, but I just feel nothing for you' One minute he would dance and talk of 'we' and then he would completely disengage and it felt like I became the enemy. My man spoke of of suicide and working in mental health raised many alarms.... I hung in there, I hadn't changed, his job had and that wasn't working out, he's a high flyer and his belief is that its his job to support his family; with this job, that wasn't going to happen... (the company no longer exists, he was right). I have a long history of abuse which he struggled with, he hated that, he felt that anger so deeply, he did not want to be another abuser of mine., but he couldn't bare to tough me, I was devastated!
We had a moment whereby we were a little naughty and he found himself withdrawing, it was confusing enough for him to ask me to help him find a therapist... I found a fab psychologist.. she immediately assessed that he did not have Aspergers syndrome (self-reliant, unable to identify his own emotions, (very good at seeing mine and responding), withdrawn socially, unable to deal with stress). It was a relief for me, he can change, this is not about a developmental disorder, this is something else.
He through everything at me, and it was so confusing... he spoke of ginger babies but then when I mentioned it to him, it was 'well the baby could have any hair', he danced with me but when I mentioned it, 'well maybe a just wanted to dance, I didn't want to dance with you'. He told me he felt empty looking at me, he felt nothing, yet 5 years earlier, we celebrated Christmas together and he had charted a yacht for us so I could celebrate my 40th and enjoy sailing together. So confusing.
He's still in therapy with an amazing psychologist! He seemed so scared of me at times, that was the wounded insecure attached boy. As Covid took hold, he had memories of abuse and realised he had no support, mum had twin girls so gran and granddad did what they could... he had to deal with his abuse in his own way as a child... he was still stuck there, unable to deal with a woman who loved him and was comfortable enough to give him the baby and the love and security he discovered he felt hadn't had as a child. I have no doubt his mum loved/s him but he was dealing with abuse and bullying and her attention with the twins meant he wasn't seen.. I feel so sad for that, I have told him that.
NOW: He's been in therapy for 5 months. I've had a hip replacement.
He has called almost every day, he states 'you're great, you don't need you change anything about you'. He washed my hair and wiped my leg of anaesthetic He asks about my 'cheeky smile', takes me for lunch, hugs me, winks at me, I'm the only one that knows of his abuse and that he's in therapy. In my heart, I feel he's becoming more secure.. he's not scared when I'm close and he mentions my body in a sexual way. It's difficult because he is still reluctant to touch me sexually or in a romantic way.
I wrote this, as I have felt so alone and sometimes deluded... has he shopped for me, washed my hair and played 'this little piggy goes to market on my feet' because he's just a good friend, or is he becoming more attached and reengaging with his feelings that he deactivated with in January?
No one knows how anyone thinks but if a man loves and cares for a women, given he is working on himself, is it likely that he is re-engaging with his feelings and will come back? He will not want to hurt me again, he already feels like he's like the others that have been in my life.
I've seen the letters 'DA'... I can't use that as the man I speak of is more than a dismissive avoidant, he's a wonderful man who I see and love, however stroppy and unpleasant he's been, he is that way because of the things he experienced, that's not his fault. But I'm lucky, he's looking at himself and wants to change! You find a guy like that and they get through it, you'll lucky, men who can overcome that are so loving and caring...
Trust is key! As is understanding!
We had a moment whereby we were a little naughty and he found himself withdrawing, it was confusing enough for him to ask me to help him find a therapist... I found a fab psychologist.. she immediately assessed that he did not have Aspergers syndrome (self-reliant, unable to identify his own emotions, (very good at seeing mine and responding), withdrawn socially, unable to deal with stress). It was a relief for me, he can change, this is not about a developmental disorder, this is something else.
He through everything at me, and it was so confusing... he spoke of ginger babies but then when I mentioned it to him, it was 'well the baby could have any hair', he danced with me but when I mentioned it, 'well maybe a just wanted to dance, I didn't want to dance with you'. He told me he felt empty looking at me, he felt nothing, yet 5 years earlier, we celebrated Christmas together and he had charted a yacht for us so I could celebrate my 40th and enjoy sailing together. So confusing.
He's still in therapy with an amazing psychologist! He seemed so scared of me at times, that was the wounded insecure attached boy. As Covid took hold, he had memories of abuse and realised he had no support, mum had twin girls so gran and granddad did what they could... he had to deal with his abuse in his own way as a child... he was still stuck there, unable to deal with a woman who loved him and was comfortable enough to give him the baby and the love and security he discovered he felt hadn't had as a child. I have no doubt his mum loved/s him but he was dealing with abuse and bullying and her attention with the twins meant he wasn't seen.. I feel so sad for that, I have told him that.
NOW: He's been in therapy for 5 months. I've had a hip replacement.
He has called almost every day, he states 'you're great, you don't need you change anything about you'. He washed my hair and wiped my leg of anaesthetic He asks about my 'cheeky smile', takes me for lunch, hugs me, winks at me, I'm the only one that knows of his abuse and that he's in therapy. In my heart, I feel he's becoming more secure.. he's not scared when I'm close and he mentions my body in a sexual way. It's difficult because he is still reluctant to touch me sexually or in a romantic way.
I wrote this, as I have felt so alone and sometimes deluded... has he shopped for me, washed my hair and played 'this little piggy goes to market on my feet' because he's just a good friend, or is he becoming more attached and reengaging with his feelings that he deactivated with in January?
No one knows how anyone thinks but if a man loves and cares for a women, given he is working on himself, is it likely that he is re-engaging with his feelings and will come back? He will not want to hurt me again, he already feels like he's like the others that have been in my life.
I've seen the letters 'DA'... I can't use that as the man I speak of is more than a dismissive avoidant, he's a wonderful man who I see and love, however stroppy and unpleasant he's been, he is that way because of the things he experienced, that's not his fault. But I'm lucky, he's looking at himself and wants to change! You find a guy like that and they get through it, you'll lucky, men who can overcome that are so loving and caring...
Trust is key! As is understanding!