Secure: Theres flow. Theres enjoyment. Selflove. They have trust in themselves. . The AP likes to spend money. They often want to enjoy life. They like to make a nice dinner and spoil their guests at home or to spoil their partner, they like to "spoil" others. Sometimes they can forget to use money on themselves. Their bankacount can go Up and Down like a wave each month. They often enjoy spending time shopping in stores. . They can Shop often at the beginning of the month and enjoys themselves when shopping. They frequently goes to cafes, to concerts, likes to be social.
The avoidant likes to save money, they do not like to share as much, they can be affraid that they will loose their safety and money. On a date they can forget to offer you a drink, a café latte, to pay for the dinner out ect. Some of them can do this even if they've got a lot of money. Theres a lot of anxiaty underneath their "calm" pressence, so they can be affraid of loosing their money on the subconcious level. Am I going to survive. Sometimes if very avoidant their fridge can be almost empty. They can be more "direct" when shopping. They know what they are looking for, and they bye it and then they go home.
The desorganised can loose their money easely, they can get their wallet stolen ect. They forget to plan and make a budget. They can be confused. They are in survival mode and they can therefore have trouble looking ahead and plan their future econemy. Like the ap they want to enjoy life. They attract and create drama around them. They can recieve unexpected bills.
Ever since your partner lost their job, things have been tight; but every time you talk about it, they shut down.
You’re spending your own money online shopping, but still, your partner judges every time you receive a package. It was annoying; now it’s tense.
Your partner makes significantly more than you but you want to have an equal say in your shared finances. You’re wondering how to address it when you feel like you don’t have a leg to stand on.
You found out that your partner has a ton of debt and they let it get out of hand. You want to be supportive, but you can’t get past how irresponsible you feel they’ve been. Now they feel judged and regret ever bringing it up.
Your fiancé is asking for a prenup. You feel it means they don’t trust you and want to protect their money from you, even though you say you know your feeling isn’t rational.
You feel like you never know when it’s the right time to bring up finances. And you’re afraid if you do, the love and romance will suffer. Most of all, you wonder why it’s all so heavy in the first place. It’s just money, right?
The 5 Things We Often Forget About Financial Tension in Relationships We live in a society that places high value on financial success even though it’s also a society that makes attaining financial security difficult. Individually, we form a complex relationship with our finances based on how societal messages about money are communicated to us via our families and institutions. We carry that long lineage of beliefs and behaviors—as well as quite a few taboos—into our relationships. So does our partner. Even though many of us have been financially active for most of our lives, humans only have little more than half a century of experience talking about money with their partners. Most importantly, we often forget… money is never just about money. Let’s do a quick historical recap. Marriage has always been an economic enterprise, an alliance of families, land, resources, and wealth. Love, and certainly sex, didn’t enter the equation until the late-eighteenth century. And in the western world gender equality didn’t come into play until the 1970s. Traditionally, in heterosexual marriages, the man worked outside the house, gave a portion of whatever he made to his wife, and his wife made do with whatever she was given. The husband had authority and the wife figured out her zone of independence within his control.
A lot has changed. Marriage is no longer only between a man and woman. Gender roles are flexible and, for some couples, obsolete. Women make up half of today’s workforce and many American women outearn their husbands. Marriage itself has become highly optional. These days, the typical conversation isn’t about what a husband is willing to give his wife as an allowance; it’s whether a couple will open a joint bank account. With the old rules out the door, we’ve had to create new ones. And that means talking about money—no easy feat. But it’s also an opportunity to understand the deeper beliefs and vulnerabilities money represents in our relationships and how we can use it to grow our financial partnerships.
Money Is Never Just About Money Currency was invented as a representation of value, so keep in mind, our beliefs and taboos about money aren’t typically about dollars and cents—it’s about what it represents. And in many countries it’s also about how those representations are shaped by capitalist society. Money is about status, access, comfort, freedom, interdependence, trust, loyalty, betrayal, fairness, and more. Money is tied to our sense of self-worth and our feelings of power and powerlessness. Financial success is often interpreted as proof that we’re “doing something,” and even more so, that we’re “worth something.” Whereas financial failure can feel like we’ve failed at life itself and that we’ll never get out of the hole.
When those narratives enter our relationships, they become entire stories about who we are and how we live. It’s not about how much spending money we give the kids, it’s about whether we’re generous or cheap, or trying to be the “favorite” parent. It’s not about how many times a week we go out to dinner, it’s about whether we feel taken care of, considered, lavished. When we discuss what trip to take, what home renovation to make, what wedding gift to give, we are really asking: where do we deserve to go and what do we want to show people on Instagram? What kind of home do we want to have? How much do we value our relationship to the bride and groom and how do we communicate that?
We all respond differently to those implicit questions based on how we were raised. If we witnessed our father get laid off, fall into depression and drink, and then be berated by our mother for it, our ideas about success, failure, and vulnerability in our own partnership is going to be tied to that experience. If we had less money than our friends growing up, we might always have a chip on our shoulder about needing to prove our worth. If we were raised in an affluent family and marry someone who was not, we may not even realize why financial discussions are so difficult for our partner. The list goes on. And, by the way, all of this is true for friendships, siblings, roommates, and colleagues.
Our response to financial tension in relationships is also based on how we’ve raised ourselves. Because people are marrying, on average, ten years later than previous generations did, by the time we enter into marriage, many of us have already established economic independence, worked multiple jobs, made large purchases, and cultivated debt along the way.
By the time we join financial forces with a partner, we’ve written an entire encyclopedic collection of stories about money and what it represents, often without realizing it. Why is it all so heavy? Because we equate money with love. We withhold money as punishment. We enforce compliance through money. We live with the belief that we could always be making more and that having more is better. We idolize the wealthy and the homes, cars, vacations, and clothes they show us on social media. We live with the stigma that people who have a lot of debt have weak characters, especially if we’re thinking of ourselves, all the while forgetting that important reminder. We live in a society that places high value on financial success even though it’s also a society that makes attaining financial security difficult.
It’s time to re-evaluate what success and security really represent for you.
The Money Questions to Ask Your Partner Now Pandemic, wildfires, hurricanes, job loss, prolonged uncertainty. The narratives we’ve built up about money just got a whole bunch of new characters and plot lines. We have the power to write the next chapter. Plan instead of panic. This is a year of reprioritization across the board, from how we live, work, parent, and play to how we spend and save. It’s an important time to make plans for the unexpected. Remember, money is never just about money—financial plans are also emotional plans. Not just asking “what should we cut if one of us gets laid off,” but adding “how will we support each other if one of us gets laid off.” It’s about prepping a go bag in advance of an impending climate event and having the hard conversation about what the items in that bag mean to us.
Recently, I was invited by a company that helps millennials with finances to lead three couples sessions for a virtual event. In choosing me, a relationship therapist, to discuss money matters in couples, they understood what we’ve been writing about here. Financial challenges are driven by the health of our relationships. That’s why money is one of the leading causes of divorce. Along with hosts Lauren Speed-Hamilton and Cameron Speed, we discussed the following questions.
As we embark on making new financial and emotional plans, getting to the heart of what money represents for us, and deepening our financial partnerships, these are the questions to ask each other now.
What does having money mean to you? What does it mean to be good with money? Did your family talk about money growing up? Do you think your parents were good with money? On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate how we spend our money? If I spent $100 on something and didn’t tell you, would you be upset with me? How about $1,000? What decisions do we make about money that are individual versus team? Why don’t you buy me gifts? / What do you think about when you buy me gifts? What is your biggest money regret or mistake? What keeps you up at night about our finances? Do you appreciate the gifts I buy you? Why or why not? Why is it so hard for you to ask for a raise? What would we do if one of us were laid off? How has the pandemic changed how you think about our finances? What are our financial goals? Do you feel like we're on track financially to achieve our goals? What’s one money habit that you admire about me?
History: We have been on a evolutionary journey for millions of years. In turms of mass palenatry adoption, money has been widely used for a mere 250 years. We have not enwolved to integrate the concept of money We are dis-integrated and dis-embodied Selfworth is so much greater than money only. Money is not curupt, but people are currupt.
Money is the light that reveals the shadow.
How much does money influence your life, your work, and your relationships? How does money make you feel? Happy, fearful, sad, angry, frustrated, anxious? All of the above? Let's face it...money impacts and influences every aspect of our lives. Deeply. And yet, it remains one of the oldest, deepest taboos in the world. So let’s begin to change this by learning to accept and embody the energy of money and our long history with it?
The 8 money archetypes: The Victim, The Innocent, The Warrior, The Martyr, The Fool, The Artist, The Tyrant and The Magician, you will begin to understand, name and move through money blind spots that no longer serve you.
(All the archetypes can get activated in us depending on what's going on in our life)
Taking a breath and regulate can change your state and helps you to become aware of your traits before you make a desicion about money.
Most challenges about money are behaverel
How do you resourse yourself in difficult times ?
We have learned how to behave around money from our mom and dad before we were 10 years old. What we think and feel around money we have learned as children.
Some people have a big trauma around money. Ex. if there have been a war and they had to flee. Or there has been a pandemic and people have lost their job and/or their homes ect. Or they got sick or they had an accident and were no longer able to support themselves. Maybe they have experienced of beeing no longer part of their tribe because of their difficulties. They have maybe been dismissied from the heard Others have micro money traumas.
When we hear the word money, we can go into firght, flight or freeze.
Evolutionary we were hunters and we were shaped to collectect resourses, food, nuts ect. to perpare ourselves for the winther. This is also something that can happen under war times, under a pandemic ect.
If money were your lover what would you say to it ? Growing up how did the topic of money make you feel ? What are some of your current challenges around money ? When would you believe you had enough money ? Imagine you had all the money you needed and more, how would it change your life ? Would you be generous ?
The 8 money archetypes: (Debra Price)
The innocent; Burring their head in the sand, lives in denial, easily overwhelmed by finances, relies on the advice from others, the most trusting archetype, We are all born innocent. Powerless, naive, does not want to look at money. They have a tendency to not to open their credit card bills Healing: independence, getting into their own power Bodywork: Say 3 times a day with your arms up: I am powerfull
Victim: All of us have been betrayed. Live in the past, prone to blame, they point outwards, they have difficulty prosessing their pain Fear: Being betrayed Healing: Forgiveness Bodywork: Dance a victim dance to dark music among other things, how do you move from being a victim to being a victor
Warrior: The hunter, they take their time to look at what mony is, the only way to be good at something is to study it - how to deal with finances, how to deal with a relationship ect. Goal oriented, team player, confident, wic Fear: Dependence, loss of power Healing: Be diserning who you work with
Martyr: Strings attached, self sacrificing resources, ex: often women that inherited a lot of money, and sacrificed their inheritiance, so that they could put their husbands through medical school, when their husbands gratuated, the husbands left them, they use money as a way to recieve, they give more than they recieve,and gave the mony to their husbands,.there are strings attatched when they give. Come here I want something in return but im not going to tell you Fear: of being seen as wounded, Healing: recieving, being open to recieve help from others
The fool: Overly generous, impulsive, undiciplined, everything is a party Ex: When traveling they want to try everthing of the menue, so they can order more than they can eat, or they can bye more clothes than what they need in another country as if they were never coming back ect. Fear: Fomo, living a boring life Healing: Slowing down, budget, paying attention to details
The creator: Entrepeneurs Identify with world of imagination, ,love/hate relationship with money, mony goes to Materilusim vs creativity, they are affraid to live an in authentic life Healing: They have to integrate the two
Tyrant: My domaine, try to control things Hoards money, self interested Fear loosing control Healing: Learn to be generous/a team player
Magican: (the most important archetype) Conscious, compationate, live in trust and flow, takes refuge in higher power, important to just making it to thriving, im a hunter and brings mony towards me, abundance, im open, they have made pease with their past, they see the gift of relationships, they want to help people, they know that worries about money often dosent come true anyway, Fear: people value money over nature Healing: Are in strongest position to heal others
Ask yourself what is the porpose of earning money, are there things in your life that are more important than money, what ? love ?, meaning ? You cant take money or things with you when you die.
I´m DA/Secure and while there are few I invite at home, I am happy to treat the friends I do entertain. I love making good food for myself and others and tend to take turns picking up the bill when going out with friends.
In a relationship it is best to set a budget together, with a sufficient amount of spending money for each partner that need not be discussed (It is nice if this is at least $250, but it will depend on your situation. (Relationships are easier when you are not poor, it is a priviledge when you need not worry about 50$ and it is also very helpful to be relaxed about money). If you need something more expensive, such as a winter coat or a laptop, it is best to align with your partner.
I´m probably a Magician with a bit of Warrior.
With the pandemic, I save a bit more, but also make a point of spending consciously. I don´t need money for trips, but do save for a grand vacation after the pandemic. What I don´t spend on dinners out, massages and cafés, goes to the enterpreneurs in my neighbourhood that I want to help keep afloat. I buy lovely flowers from my local flower shop as I work from home and see my flowers all the time. I buy better foods to cook at home and less, but more ethically made and higher quality clothing. I also send more gifts and flowers.
What are your obstacles with money ? We can not tell on social media how a persons money situation is. Or on how they look. We use our social nerveussystem to find out if we belong. Women scan for safety. Women have to learn that they will be okay when the stand out. Womens social nerveussytem is wired diffently rhan men because of estrogen. It makes us attuned and able to care for safety of the group. Many years ago we would group together in order to stay safe. Women are wired to fitting in. Not wanting to stand out is .... Also if you have been bullied. Are you reacting as if you are in the same situation as you were many years ago.
Do you have a pit in your lower solar plexus when you think about money. Can you take this sentence in: Money is difficult for any one. Notise what happens in your body when you say this out lound. You are not alone. It can bring ease to your nerveussystem. Shame: Oh no I have a studentloan, oh no I have debt.... oh no what would a date think about my loans ? Will the person reject me ? Money it attatched survial
Do you move toward your money problem and wrezel with it, strugle with it, push Or do you move away, flee, not wanting to deal with it, why cant someone else deal with it Fear, panic, terror Confusion - hopelessness, given up, I dont have any power Move toward a strugle/push Kelly Brogan - Own yourself
We seek homeo stasis. The familiar feels safe. Thats wy we can go back to at prepretator, taht we stay on jobs that dosent serve us. Novelty registers as a thread.
Taking steps to sort out your relationsship with money:
- Inventory of open loops- debts, extra items, conversations, trades, agreements, deposits, taxes. - Take tangible action to close some of them. Get in motion. - What is one thing that you need to move towards your intention- A to B, not A to Z. one next small step? - What is something that you will need to stop doing? (giving away, trading for things you don't want, complaining, negating offers or gifts, pushing away help, remaining isolated)
Do you dare to look at your bankaccount ? Sometimes we need to close some open loops. 1) A debt - people who owe you money or people you owe money to (person to person) Do you need to put some things you need to sell on ebay, do you have unsold artwork, do you need to complain about an item and get your money back from an item you bought that was broken Do you owe favors to someone ? Do you think that its your turn to invite friends over for a meal. Do you need to ask some of your friends to pay some money back ? Unresolved money issues between people can stand between the connection. Do you have a check you need to cash in ? Can you pay little by little back and not wait until you can pay all of the money back to your parents, a friend, a partner ? (Then you show that you care and it will get easier to spend money on other things without getting into trouble/being judged) Did someone give you money with no timeline to pay it back, and the person said that he/she dident needed to get the money back, so that it was a gift and not a loan ? Is it a recieving question ? Are you able to recieve ? Do you feel guilty when you recieve ? What would you feel if a person refused to recieve a gift, that you wanted to give them ? Is this a topic in your life that you have to look ffurther into ?
When you feel anxious about money, do you then have an idea about what you should do ? What are you noticing in your body ? A lot of anxiaty, getting worked up and mobilisation dosent take you into action. Or it can take your into repetetitive action.
Maybe you need to have some converstions, maybe you have to make a transaction.
Maybe you have to talk to someone and say:
Here is where I am right now This is what Im feeling This is what I want you to know
If we got trauma, it makes us zoom in, become lazerfocused, not being able to see different possibilities coming in our direction, we become black and white thinkers, or we can want to give it all up and move to an ecovillage, which is a flight responce and an escape fantasy.
The minute we feel activation, we can jump up into our mind, but our state can impact our thinking proces.
If you are getting too owerwhelmed, then remember, that we do not need to do everything by ourselves. It is actually smart to get help and share your money problems with a friend or get professionel help to look at your econemy, your budget ect.
What can you do - take one step at a time.
Have you recieved someting, that you rather want to give back ?
Allow yourself to be succesfull.
Do you use worse case scenario - notise and then get back to the precent moment.
If you are overthinking then you can do the wuu-sound, push exercise, orient, return to body sensation tracking.
Identify how you can set yourself up for succes. If you are always overdrafting, then you can do some orientation, when you look at your bankaccount.
What is your intention? - To not hold so titely on to money ? - Feel abundance with money ? - To know more ?
Ask your body, not your brain, what do you need to do ? - Whats the next small step ? - Whats the next small step you can take ? - What do you need to stop doing ? What do you need to say no to ?
Do you need to talk to a financial adviser (even if you do not have any money), do you need to talk to your bank, do you want to invest, where can you get more information (reading a book, asking a friend, make a post on this board, make a post in a facebookgroup ect. ?)
I you got a lot of different choises, then make some space to take time so that you can evealuete the different choises.
Ash Robinson (business coach) - women tend to conflate them selves.
Whats the next small step:
Make a basic budget (Theres an app called MINT) and strat keeping track and keep the reciepts Remember its not working if it comes froma selfpunisment place. It only works if it feels like a resourse to you. Put money in the stock market (Hillary Henderson) ?
For some women it can be an obstacal, when you dont know how to do things. Then reach out to get some help. Find a resource, test it, and see if the resourse is usefull to you.
To come out of decociation and a flight responce, you need to engage your social engagement-system and activate your sympathetic nerveussystem with a fight responce.
Recieving is in parasympathetic Giving is in sympathetic
Betty Martins wheel of consent.
Giving: The gift is suppposed to be for the reciever. If I give you something, I will have to know what you want. Not what Ithink you should want. The giver has to know, what the other person wants. You can ask: "what do you want ?" If you are used to be in a giving position (overgiving) - the shadowside of giving is martyrdom, giving things that you actually dont have to give. Theres no confirmation that the other person wants the gift. This can be condependence/the rescuer/the helper. If you are overgiving, you actually cant recieve.
Look at the drama triangle.
Recieving: The shadowside of recieving is manipulating, entitlement, freeloading, using the damsol in distress. People can be affraid of being seen as those things. OMG - I would never let other peolpe pay when we go out.. I would never do that. Or you intentionally let other people pay by forgetting your wallet when you go out. Or you go out with people who have a lot of money, so you dont have to pay. I can be frustruatring giving to people who dont know how to recieve.
A good reciever can ask for what she/he needs: "I would like you to deposit the check in my bankaccount", "I would like you to touch me in this way" Not being passive agressive. Be clear.
Taking and allowing:
In taking you are the doer, but its for you. "I want to touch you on the face", "I want to ... The shadowside of taking is prepretaion.
Allowing is ex. to donate your face to be touched by the other person. It offering other people to using you for their pleasure.
The shadowside of allowing if you have a doormat is being taking advantage of.
You can not have real prosperity without a healthy relationship with your shadow. Debbie Ford joins Barnet Bain and Freeman Michaels on Cutting Edge Consciousness for a fascinating conversation about the shadow of money.