Post by katy on Mar 19, 2016 21:43:02 GMT
I wanted to share some information that I've recently collected in case it may help somebody else. A few weeks ago, I heard about trauma bonding.
Trauma bonding may be relevant to some people who have commented here. Trauma bonds, also called betrayal bonds, may be why many of us are saying that we are normally secure in our relationships and yet, dealing with avoidants, we have turned into obsessive, dependent emotional wrecks.
I'm not an expert, but, from my reading, trauma bonds are going on when you still feel positive, hopeful feelings for a person who has harmed you in some way. Trauma bonds usually include faith in a positive future and an obsessive determination to make things work with an avoidant, all evidence to the contrary.
There are some elements required for trauma bonds to develop:
1. The person represents a promise of some type. For most of us, I suspect that we're hoping for a positive relationship with a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, or spouse.
2. The person has some type of power. I think that it's been documented that the person who cares less in a relationship has more power. Many of us have commented that, even at the beginning of our relationships, the avoidants in our lives were giving hints that they were less interested in us than we were in them.
3. There has to be intermittent positive and negative behavior. I think that the push / pull with avoidants that many of us have described would qualify for this intermittent behavior. The avoidant starts out being wonderful, then he's pushing you away, then he may be back, but, from then on, he is always half-way out the door. Being in the position of not really knowing what's going on could certainly cause uncertainty and anxiety.
4. There has to be an intensity and drama. I can see that avoidants are wonderfully charming and fun before they begin their intermittent pulling away. The initial charm can set the stage for believing in a wonderful, promising future. Feeling good, then feeling rejected, then feeling relieved can all fit into the description of intensity and drama.
With all four of these relationship pieces in place, when the avoidant begins to pull away, the trauma bond develops when we begin to get anxious and try (especially obsessively in our own minds) to convince the avoidant to maintain the original promise of a good relationship the way it was in the beginning. As the push/pull goes on, the obsession with making the relationship work can get really entrenched.
There are lots of discussions in the literature that the promise is actually a more primal need of resolving childhood wounds. Again, I'm not an expert, but if most of us have been dealing relatively well in society before we met the avoidant, our primal needs may not be so really terrible.
Learning this information about trauma bonding was very consoling to me because I had no idea what had happened to me. I felt that it was very important to understand what had happened to me so that I could make sure that it doesn't happen again.
If anybody wants more detailed information, there are many articles about trauma bonding on the Web. The gold standard book on trauma bonding is: The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes, which is available on Amazon.
Best wishes. I hope this information helps.
Trauma bonding may be relevant to some people who have commented here. Trauma bonds, also called betrayal bonds, may be why many of us are saying that we are normally secure in our relationships and yet, dealing with avoidants, we have turned into obsessive, dependent emotional wrecks.
I'm not an expert, but, from my reading, trauma bonds are going on when you still feel positive, hopeful feelings for a person who has harmed you in some way. Trauma bonds usually include faith in a positive future and an obsessive determination to make things work with an avoidant, all evidence to the contrary.
There are some elements required for trauma bonds to develop:
1. The person represents a promise of some type. For most of us, I suspect that we're hoping for a positive relationship with a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, or spouse.
2. The person has some type of power. I think that it's been documented that the person who cares less in a relationship has more power. Many of us have commented that, even at the beginning of our relationships, the avoidants in our lives were giving hints that they were less interested in us than we were in them.
3. There has to be intermittent positive and negative behavior. I think that the push / pull with avoidants that many of us have described would qualify for this intermittent behavior. The avoidant starts out being wonderful, then he's pushing you away, then he may be back, but, from then on, he is always half-way out the door. Being in the position of not really knowing what's going on could certainly cause uncertainty and anxiety.
4. There has to be an intensity and drama. I can see that avoidants are wonderfully charming and fun before they begin their intermittent pulling away. The initial charm can set the stage for believing in a wonderful, promising future. Feeling good, then feeling rejected, then feeling relieved can all fit into the description of intensity and drama.
With all four of these relationship pieces in place, when the avoidant begins to pull away, the trauma bond develops when we begin to get anxious and try (especially obsessively in our own minds) to convince the avoidant to maintain the original promise of a good relationship the way it was in the beginning. As the push/pull goes on, the obsession with making the relationship work can get really entrenched.
There are lots of discussions in the literature that the promise is actually a more primal need of resolving childhood wounds. Again, I'm not an expert, but if most of us have been dealing relatively well in society before we met the avoidant, our primal needs may not be so really terrible.
Learning this information about trauma bonding was very consoling to me because I had no idea what had happened to me. I felt that it was very important to understand what had happened to me so that I could make sure that it doesn't happen again.
If anybody wants more detailed information, there are many articles about trauma bonding on the Web. The gold standard book on trauma bonding is: The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes, which is available on Amazon.
Best wishes. I hope this information helps.
