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Post by kristyrose on Dec 14, 2017 19:47:05 GMT
Neosporin,
I find myself feeling sad today and feeling for him as well. Part of me wants to accept and excuse his behavior because I know how he suffers, then I realize I am suffering too and need to look out for myself now. It still hurts though, you are correct. No matter how much we learn and understand, it does not change the reality.
He usually distances himself and comes back to me, I don't know if that will happen this time, trying not to think about it because I know I want him to come back, but I also know that it's best to keep moving forward without him.
His text was so vague and confusing, saying he thinks we should try to move on more, see each other less, yet says he is not drawing any lines. These types of texts can be maddening!! They are like little insurance policies he can fall back on when he wants his distance.
Sorry, I think I'm just rambling...
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 14, 2017 19:59:07 GMT
Neosporin, I find myself feeling sad today and feeling for him as well. Part of me wants to accept and excuse his behavior because I know how he suffers, then I realize I am suffering too and need to look out for myself now. It still hurts though, you are correct. No matter how much we learn and understand, it does not change the reality. He usually distances himself and comes back to me, I don't know if that will happen this time, trying not to think about it because I know I want him to come back, but I also know that it's best to keep moving forward without him. His text was so vague and confusing, saying he thinks we should try to move on more, see each other less, yet says he is not drawing any lines. These types of texts can be maddening!! They are like little insurance policies he can fall back on when he wants his distance. Sorry, I think I'm just rambling... Hang in there Kristyrose...those open ended texts are breadcrumbs. I have gotten those too from prior ex boyfriends. You are absolutely right to keep moving forward...as painful as that can be. I am rooting for you. |
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 14, 2017 21:58:46 GMT
Hi tnr9,
Thank you so much for your support and kind words! Needed to hear that today...
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Post by neosporin on Dec 15, 2017 3:46:23 GMT
Kristy, it's just part of the push-pull cycle that they always do. Push when it gets too hot, pull when it has cooled down enough for them. Rinse and repeat. It will continue as long as you let it or until he finally gets bored and leaves for good. So it's better for you to end it on your terms.
You reject him, don't let it be the other way around. It's a lot easier to hold your head up high when you know you're the one who drew the line and was in control of the situation. Plus, it's a good self esteem booster to take care of yourself that way.
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 15, 2017 18:01:42 GMT
Neosporin,
You're right... I've still managed to stay silent even after a very bad day yesterday when I almost sent him a text. I found out from his best friend that he hasn't heard from him at all either, despite texting him, so I wonder if he is just really deep into withdrawal mode right now. I keep thinking of when we were together and how easy it was for him to see me so often, and how quickly things can turn and he can act like we are strangers. Hurts my heart because I cannot understand how we can be so close, then nothing at all. Of course, I will never understand what it's like for him, I can only keep working on myself.
I do think in some ways this is helping me continue to work on my AP issues. By telling him "i'm done" and sticking with it, I've already changed how I normally respond to him in favor of looking out for myself. Despite my pain this morning, I need to keep reminding myself that I'm making progress.
Thanks so much for your supportive posts!
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 22, 2017 22:57:58 GMT
I think its important to remember that some of these folks we are dealing may also have other mental things happening.
My therapist believes that my ex DA is bipolar and that he has a hard time bonding. I know its easy to put them all in a box for us to understand, I've done it myself.
Just like I have some BPD behaviors on top of my AP tendencies. We are all a big mix from how we grew up and what our lives have offered us.
I am trying really hard to understand myself and that is hard enough. Im done trying got figure HIM out.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2017 16:55:15 GMT
I still have trouble grasping that people like this actually exist because it seems like such a cruel existence. I'd almost rather be dead if I were in their shoes. I find it interesting that there are so many posts how avoidants are not compassionate, not understanding, not self aware, etc, but the most biting, unproductive, hurtful comments on this board do not come from avoidants. I have read a lot on this board and have not seen the likes of this comment come from an avoidant. I have seen quite a few from the other styles. Food for thought. |
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 23, 2017 17:40:05 GMT
I still have trouble grasping that people like this actually exist because it seems like such a cruel existence. I'd almost rather be dead if I were in their shoes. I find it interesting that there are so many posts how avoidants are not compassionate, not understanding, not self aware, etc, but the most biting, unproductive, hurtful comments on this board do not come from avoidants. I have read a lot on this board and have not seen the likes of this comment come from an avoidant. I have seen quite a few from the other styles. Food for thought. Mary, Where I completely agree with you I think its also important to remember that this area is for discussion of Avoidant behaviors. Most folks who come here are suffering and do not know why. My guess is that as they figure out their part and stop blaming their avoidant, the verbage changes. I have done a lot of therapy in my life and even though I am livid and hurt by my DA/Bi Polar/Troubled man, I still love him deeply and wish him well. I came here to see what other people were dealing with and how they healed. |
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 23, 2017 20:54:20 GMT
I think Mary does bring up a valid point as well.
It is very rare to even hear from Avoidant types on their perspective, so I have greatly appreciated the feedback from them on here and their perspective. In my experience, my FA ex will sometimes say cold things to me, like he didn't think his feelings were deep enough to work on our issues, that he did not love me, when in fact he came back after dumping me and showed me in actions, how much he does love and care for me. At the same time, his fears, confusion, distancing are too much to handle, even though I know those are his issues alone, and not something I can help or fix.
I have learned a lot about my AP tendencies, but see how there is still a lot of work for me to do. I wish he had the self awareness you have Mary, but he chooses to believe that it is always the other person and that therapy is a waste of his time.
Hard to accept that when I see a very warm and loving man behind the cold wall he puts up.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2017 21:45:42 GMT
I still have trouble grasping that people like this actually exist because it seems like such a cruel existence. I'd almost rather be dead if I were in their shoes. I find it interesting that there are so many posts how avoidants are not compassionate, not understanding, not self aware, etc, but the most biting, unproductive, hurtful comments on this board do not come from avoidants. I have read a lot on this board and have not seen the likes of this comment come from an avoidant. I have seen quite a few from the other styles. Food for thought. Mary, Where I completely agree with you I think its also important to remember that this area is for discussion of Avoidant behaviors. Most folks who come here are suffering and do not know why. My guess is that as they figure out their part and stop blaming their avoidant, the verbage changes. I have done a lot of therapy in my life and even though I am livid and hurt by my DA/Bi Polar/Troubled man, I still love him deeply and wish him well. I came here to see what other people were dealing with and how they healed. Stellar, I agree that this particular section is for that, but I am talking about the forum as a whole. Where is the safe space for an avoidant? I have read quite a bit on the AP section and while there are not many posts by avoidants, there are some. I don't see much support or understanding there either. I don't see many posts by avoidants throughout the site, and I can see why. It can be surmised by APs that avoidants do not post because we are not self aware but I can see another reason. In fact, this very point has been remarked to me in private messages. |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 23, 2017 22:57:29 GMT
Mary can I just say that you've personally helped me understand the avoidant behaviors so much better than I did before and thats helped me enormously to depersonalise it and feel much less defensive and wounded.
I guess there's just people in pain lashing out here at times in their frustration and I can guess it doesn't feel very nice to be cast as the villain. I think a lot of websites and resources on attachment also cast the avoidants as the villains which is also not very productive.
These discussions lately have me thinking a lot about attachment and I think it's hard for everybody in their own way and we're mostly just doing our best with our abilities at hand.
I hope you feel this is a safe space and if you don't I hope we can all try and improve that!
I've maybe got some FA tendencies so can identify a little with both sides of the coin amd to be honest I can see they're both in need of reassurance and support.
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Post by neosporin on Dec 28, 2017 0:06:21 GMT
I still have trouble grasping that people like this actually exist because it seems like such a cruel existence. I'd almost rather be dead if I were in their shoes. I find it interesting that there are so many posts how avoidants are not compassionate, not understanding, not self aware, etc, but the most biting, unproductive, hurtful comments on this board do not come from avoidants. I have read a lot on this board and have not seen the likes of this comment come from an avoidant. I have seen quite a few from the other styles. Food for thought. It's just an honest assessment from my perspective. Do not take someone else's observation as a direct attack on YOU simply because you may identify as avoidant. Don't invalidate someone else's experience of the exchange between two attachment styles. I frequent many other boards, ones where avoidants are the majority and I see many discussing amongst themselves us "normies" and how they resent needing us for anything at all, how we're just things they use when they need something, and discard when they don't. That you don't see that being expressed here doesn't mean it doesn't happen or that AP/Secures haven't experienced it that way. It's just that avoidants are vastly outnumbered here by other types. If my or anyone else's statements does not pertain to you, that's great. But plenty of us have felt a lot of pain being involved in avoidant styles. You seem to take issue to people who air their grievances towards avoidant attachment styles. Don't invalidate someone else's experience. If my comment was biting, well, it's how I feel. I cannot fathom the mindset of an avoidant and from all I've read, would never want to be on that end of the spectrum. Again, this is not a personal attack on YOU. But it doesn't serve anyone to tip toe and protect each other's feelings when there's real gdamn pain and anguish that is being experienced by people. Let them express that. And finally, if you see comments that strike a nerve and don't align with what you believe to be true then RESPOND! Offer your rebuttal and personal perspective of the matter from your side. Use your platform here. Don't merely fingerwag and shame non-avoidants who are sharing their confusion or frustration. |
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Post by serene13 on Dec 28, 2017 0:40:08 GMT
Hey neosporin - still smile at your username  - can you share with me the other boards you like? Would be appreciated - like to learn..... |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2017 0:45:35 GMT
I still have trouble grasping that people like this actually exist because it seems like such a cruel existence. I'd almost rather be dead if I were in their shoes. I find it interesting that there are so many posts how avoidants are not compassionate, not understanding, not self aware, etc, but the most biting, unproductive, hurtful comments on this board do not come from avoidants. I have read a lot on this board and have not seen the likes of this comment come from an avoidant. I have seen quite a few from the other styles. Food for thought. It's just an honest assessment from my perspective. Do not take someone else's observation as a direct attack on YOU simply because you may identify as avoidant. Don't invalidate someone else's experience of the exchange between two attachment styles. I frequent many other boards, ones where avoidants are the majority and I see many discussing amongst themselves us "normies" and how they resent needing us for anything at all, how we're just things they use when they need something, and discard when they don't. That you don't see that being expressed here doesn't mean it doesn't happen or that AP/Secures haven't experienced it that way. It's just that avoidants are vastly outnumbered here by other types. If my or anyone else's statements does not pertain to you, that's great. But plenty of us have felt a lot of pain being involved in avoidant styles. You seem to take issue to people who air their grievances towards avoidant attachment styles. Don't invalidate someone else's experience. If my comment was biting, well, it's how I feel. I cannot fathom the mindset of an avoidant and from all I've read, would never want to be on that end of the spectrum. Again, this is not a personal attack on YOU. But it doesn't serve anyone to tip toe and protect each other's feelings when there's real gdamn pain and anguish that is being experienced by people. Let them express that. And finally, if you see comments that strike a nerve and don't align with what you believe to be true then RESPOND! Offer your rebuttal and personal perspective of the matter from your side. Use your platform here. Don't merely fingerwag and shame non-avoidants who are sharing their confusion or frustration. I don't know what you read, but I never said this was a personal attack on me. Anyone can say anything they want on this board, including me. This was my personal perspective as you have so graciously "allowed" me to have. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 28, 2017 2:49:17 GMT
I really wish the forum was broken out just a tad further....so that Narcissists were a separate section from DAs. When I hear of individuals that "use" other people...I immediately think of the 2 Narcs that I got involved with.....they certainly had a sense of entitlement....and I often felt like nothing more than a convenience that they would "discard" when they were done with me. I used to journal that I felt like a used t shirt that the Narc would miss for a while....but then he would get tired and back to the closet I went. They were the most dehumanizing relationships I ever experienced in my life....but that is an extreme flavor of DA (and per Mary AP as well).
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- can you share with me the other boards you like? Would be appreciated - like to learn.....