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Post by Jaeger on Dec 29, 2017 1:21:07 GMT
I really wish the forum was broken out just a tad further....so that Narcissists were a separate section from DAs. When I hear of individuals that "use" other people...I immediately think of the 2 Narcs that I got involved with.....they certainly had a sense of entitlement....and I often felt like nothing more than a convenience that they would "discard" when they were done with me. I used to journal that I felt like a used t shirt that the Narc would miss for a while....but then he would get tired and back to the closet I went. They were the most dehumanizing relationships I ever experienced in my life....but that is an extreme flavor of DA (and per Mary AP as well). The caveat here is that narcissism isn't an attachment type. It's important to keep the distinction between attachment styles, attachment disorders and personality disorders, in my opinion. Though I do think they are different points on the same scale. As for the original question, it's hard to answer without clarifying; 1. What you define as 'healthy' and 2. What you define as a relationship. Depending on those, the answer can be both yes and no. |
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sara
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Post by sara on Jan 25, 2018 3:51:55 GMT
The relationship with my FA is over, since the beginning of December. I was truly ok with it as I felt relieved and very strong... I was finally free. I did not reach out for a conclusive talk yet, until he did 2 weeks ago. He asked me how I was doing and that he misses me and there was some type of jealousy in his message to figure out if I am dating someone knew.
I picked up the phone and we had the big talk. It was my chance to let everything out and tell him what did not work for me. He listened to everything I had to say and admitted that the majority of all the issues we had were due to his issues. He knows now that he sabotages relationships because he has issues with commitment. And he cant just forget me and realized now what he had really lost.
I was entirely surprised by all of it and obviously flattered, yet, I know it was a good thing it ended. After that conversation, I felt at peace because all my anger was out and all that was left in me were the good times with him. And then I started to become more sad day by day. I finally started to grieve. I know my heartbreak is speaking, but I really miss him, the good times, not the bad, and I absolutely know that even if I would consider getting back with him, we would continue where we left off with all the chaos and push/pull behavior because none of us has changed yet in these 2 months. I offered him a friendship, soon, but getting back together is not an option, at least not now because we both should work on each other. He agreed and respected my decision and gives me space.
Now I caught myself waiting for him to text me and I am actually engaging him in texting conversations just to feel close again... I think it is crazy because I know he is not good for me. I just KNOW that the same cycle will start again with him pulling away as soon as we would get back together. I am stuck with our good experiences now and I miss them, and I remember him saying a while back that he thought I was the one, which breaks my heart now.
Are these feelings and behavior normal for an FA? Do they just act like that, understanding and admitting when they have lost you or is this real enlightment? I have to hold myself back not going to his place to 'hang out'. I am very confused and I was feeling so great without him and now I am just simply confused.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2018 5:25:23 GMT
Hi Sara, I am an avoidant in process of becoming secure, and i always hesitate to comment on anyone’s partner because there are so many facets of a relationship dynamic, and there are many factors that can influence someone’s behavior- comorbid conditions, etc.
All i would venture to say is that it sounds like the relationship has been very painful and unstable and there is not a real basis for trust, that would have to be cultivated jointly over time.
So, you have here some good feelings and hope, perhaps. No one can predict what will happen if you decide to re-engage, so my best encouragement to you would be to know yourself very well in this situation, know your own behaviors and where you need to look out for yourself instead of relying on him to do that for you.
What i mean, is- take some time to reflect on what you really need, what that looks like to you. Know your boundaries, know what your red lines are. Be familiar with how it feels in your body when you experience something hurtful, and pay attention to it, make sure you know how to register it and take appropriate action.
I know you really need to know what to expect from him, you need to know if there is something you might be able to trust in his actions and behavior. However, what you really need most and have the most control over is - you need to know if you can trust yourself, to have your back and be able to make hard choices if he disappoints you.
i wrote a post in the DA forum recommending a great resource. I urge you to browse around that blog and see what resonates.
Im sorry if this doesn’t seem helpful, I just really believe our best answers lie within ourselves.
Best to you, this is difficult stuff.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 16:26:47 GMT
The relationship with my FA is over, since the beginning of December. I was truly ok with it as I felt relieved and very strong... I was finally free. I did not reach out for a conclusive talk yet, until he did 2 weeks ago. He asked me how I was doing and that he misses me and there was some type of jealousy in his message to figure out if I am dating someone knew. I picked up the phone and we had the big talk. It was my chance to let everything out and tell him what did not work for me. He listened to everything I had to say and admitted that the majority of all the issues we had were due to his issues. He knows now that he sabotages relationships because he has issues with commitment. And he cant just forget me and realized now what he had really lost. I was entirely surprised by all of it and obviously flattered, yet, I know it was a good thing it ended. After that conversation, I felt at peace because all my anger was out and all that was left in me were the good times with him. And then I started to become more sad day by day. I finally started to grieve. I know my heartbreak is speaking, but I really miss him, the good times, not the bad, and I absolutely know that even if I would consider getting back with him, we would continue where we left off with all the chaos and push/pull behavior because none of us has changed yet in these 2 months. I offered him a friendship, soon, but getting back together is not an option, at least not now because we both should work on each other. He agreed and respected my decision and gives me space. Now I caught myself waiting for him to text me and I am actually engaging him in texting conversations just to feel close again... I think it is crazy because I know he is not good for me. I just KNOW that the same cycle will start again with him pulling away as soon as we would get back together. I am stuck with our good experiences now and I miss them, and I remember him saying a while back that he thought I was the one, which breaks my heart now. Are these feelings and behavior normal for an FA? Do they just act like that, understanding and admitting when they have lost you or is this real enlightment? I have to hold myself back not going to his place to 'hang out'. I am very confused and I was feeling so great without him and now I am just simply confused. Sara, This sounds like a carbon copy of my (AP) situation with my ex-FA. I share the exact same feelings as you, and I too offered friendship a week after the final break up (she was breaking up with me all December, I never threatened it) and got sucked back into daily communication until I felt completely at their mercy, just holding out for any crumbs of attention. I caught myself and cut chat to an absolute minimum and a few days went by without any exchanges. Eventually after about three days, she sent me a message over IM containing a screenshot of an email from a coworker asking her out to dinner, along with some vague text suggesting this was amusing since he sits so close to her. No mention of whether or not she was accepting it, and I kept quiet. Three hours later, she gives some weak message about not intending to piss me off, again thinking it was funny. Again, no clarification from her, just keeping me guessing. I hold off another day before I completely second guess myself, and tell her I'm not being unresponsive to hurt her. Being FA, she didn't really realize I was being unresponsive, so now she felt manipulated and she cut contact, blocking me. The irony. Anyway, I texted her (as IM was blocked) and told her I was going no-contact. She replied with the usual FA claims of "I don't care, do whatever you do to make you feel better, etc." Anyway, it's not even a week and I am negotiating with myself every day about how it could work. But it will never work. She has no intention of ever acknowledging her shortcomings, the part she plays in push/pull, and from her perspective, I am the problem. I acknowledged my weaknesses to her, but it only served to buttress her own viewpoint of my being the issue. He is not good for you. Read this: tealswan.com/resources/articles/why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-intermittent-reinforcement-r210/...also many great articles here: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 17:03:45 GMT
The relationship with my FA is over, since the beginning of December. I was truly ok with it as I felt relieved and very strong... I was finally free. I did not reach out for a conclusive talk yet, until he did 2 weeks ago. He asked me how I was doing and that he misses me and there was some type of jealousy in his message to figure out if I am dating someone knew. I picked up the phone and we had the big talk. It was my chance to let everything out and tell him what did not work for me. He listened to everything I had to say and admitted that the majority of all the issues we had were due to his issues. He knows now that he sabotages relationships because he has issues with commitment. And he cant just forget me and realized now what he had really lost. I was entirely surprised by all of it and obviously flattered, yet, I know it was a good thing it ended. After that conversation, I felt at peace because all my anger was out and all that was left in me were the good times with him. And then I started to become more sad day by day. I finally started to grieve. I know my heartbreak is speaking, but I really miss him, the good times, not the bad, and I absolutely know that even if I would consider getting back with him, we would continue where we left off with all the chaos and push/pull behavior because none of us has changed yet in these 2 months. I offered him a friendship, soon, but getting back together is not an option, at least not now because we both should work on each other. He agreed and respected my decision and gives me space. Now I caught myself waiting for him to text me and I am actually engaging him in texting conversations just to feel close again... I think it is crazy because I know he is not good for me. I just KNOW that the same cycle will start again with him pulling away as soon as we would get back together. I am stuck with our good experiences now and I miss them, and I remember him saying a while back that he thought I was the one, which breaks my heart now. Are these feelings and behavior normal for an FA? Do they just act like that, understanding and admitting when they have lost you or is this real enlightment? I have to hold myself back not going to his place to 'hang out'. I am very confused and I was feeling so great without him and now I am just simply confused. Sara, This sounds like a carbon copy of my (AP) situation with my ex-FA. I share the exact same feelings as you, and I too offered friendship a week after the final break up (she was breaking up with me all December, I never threatened it) and got sucked back into daily communication until I felt completely at their mercy, just holding out for any crumbs of attention. I caught myself and cut chat to an absolute minimum and a few days went by without any exchanges. Eventually after about three days, she sent me a message over IM containing a screenshot of an email from a coworker asking her out to dinner, along with some vague text suggesting this was amusing since he sits so close to her. No mention of whether or not she was accepting it, and I kept quiet. Three hours later, she gives some weak message about not intending to piss me off, again thinking it was funny. Again, no clarification from her, just keeping me guessing. I hold off another day before I completely second guess myself, and tell her I'm not being unresponsive to hurt her. Being FA, she didn't really realize I was being unresponsive, so now she felt manipulated and she cut contact, blocking me. The irony. Anyway, I texted her (as IM was blocked) and told her I was going no-contact. She replied with the usual FA claims of "I don't care, do whatever you do to make you feel better, etc." Anyway, it's not even a week and I am negotiating with myself every day about how it could work. But it will never work. She has no intention of ever acknowledging her shortcomings, the part she plays in push/pull, and from her perspective, I am the problem. I acknowledged my weaknesses to her, but it only served to buttress her own viewpoint of my being the issue. He is not good for you. Read this: tealswan.com/resources/articles/why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-intermittent-reinforcement-r210/...also many great articles here: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/xoff, oddly, I had a similar situation with my ex, but different. I offered to be friends and he took that (I think) as a green light to go on communicating as if we hadn't broken up. Daily contact, telling me silly things that happened, wanting to hang out etc. In my mind, I thought friends would be less contact as I have with my other friends and not the same level as with a partner. I was devastated over the break up and couldn't handle the daily contact. I needed some time to get over and grieve alone. I told him I couldn't have this contact right now, that I needed time to process what happened. He agreed to give me the time. I got really pissed for his seeming insensitivity, but I knew he wasn't trying to hurt me or be insensitive. He didn't know what was in my head. I guess my point is, is that neither knows what the other is really thinking and from each viewpoint, it can look manipulative or insensitive, but not always intended. We each come from our own perspective and way of dealing with breakups. It's very hard, I know. |
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