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Post by lanacana on Oct 8, 2017 0:38:23 GMT
I'm trying to come to terms with a breakup that happened two weeks ago. I'm a 34 year old woman and I was dating a 32 year old man who is a DA type. I was with him for 2 years. I was also his first girlfriend. Initially when we met he was everything that I thought I wanted in a man. Thoughtful caring funny and affectionate I really thought I had hit the jackpot. We were literally together every single day. I can't remember a time where I spent the night alone. Things started getting really tense in the relationship because of careers (mine) and him suffering a work place injury that left him financially strapped.
Long story short he had been talking about us taking a break because he felt I was getting clingy and he could no longer take the stress of the relationship. A couple of days later we got in a fight over text and I have not heard from him since. I went to pick up some of my belongings outside of his apartment (at his request) the last message I got from him was "Lana I've had enough". A few days later I wrote him a break-up email confirming that I'm okay with us breaking up. I didnt hear anything. So a few days later I sent him a letter; I put it under his door asking for him to take me back and I still have not heard anything from him. I'm absolutely devastated and confused. I don't understand how someone can cut you out of their life so quickly as if you meant nothing to them. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with all of this. I definitely recognize that he has issues expressing love. He grew up in foster care and has a very strained relationship with his mother who suffers from severe mental illness. My heart breaks for him because he really was a nice guy and I think he really did try. I miss him and I wish he missed me and I know I sound crazy but it's just so difficult. Also when in our two years together he never said I love you. I couldn't take it anymore and this obviously led me to become more insecure in this relationship. Do DAs actually not care? I find it so hard to believe because his actions primarily showed a lot of caring. Although he did start to pull away from the relationship sexually we still always had a lot of physical affection between each other. I just don't understand how someone can walk away. I feel like I have had no closure and my whole world is ripped apart. I have not tried to contact him for a week and I have no intention of reaching out again. Do you think I'll hear from him again?
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Post by trevjim on Oct 8, 2017 8:53:45 GMT
Ive split with someone with BPD and recently been dumped by someone with DA tendencies.
The both moved on so fast and like you said it was as if our relationship meant nothing.
Its certainly one of the hardest things about the break ups.
I understand People with DA tendencies have the ability to shut off feelings, they dont tend to mourn the relationship in the way you and I will.
I heard from MY BPD ex 2 years after we split, she was just breaking up with the guy she got with the day after and i split.
I think she was testing the waters but ended up getting with someone else anyway.
I Havnt heard from my DA ex but we only split 3 weeks ago and didnt date that long.
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Post by DearLover on Oct 8, 2017 9:06:51 GMT
Welcome Lanacana. We understand your confusion. There are lots of info in these forums for you.
It sounds like your ex had a difficult upbringing. It is going to take him work to transcend his attachments issues and you and your love alone can not cure it. He needs to want it and he needs to put in the time, the effort. He needs to be at a place in life where he is mature enough to understand and be willing to change. It has nothing to do with his age though. He is a nice guy and he did try. It sounds he is on the right path and I am sure you played a big part in it.
From my understanding he did give you closure:
" he had been talking about us taking a break because he felt I was getting clingy and he could no longer take the stress of the relationship. A couple of days later we got in a fight over text and I have not heard from him since. I went to pick up some of my belongings outside of his apartment (at his request) the last message I got from him was "Lana I've had enough".
And you gave him closure too agreeing with his decision:
"A few days later I wrote him a break-up email confirming that I'm okay with us breaking up."
Then you changed your mind and wanted back. The question here is why? Why would you want to be with someone who told you that he had enough of you? Why would you want to be in a relationship that isn't working anymore?
I know it hurts and I know how confusing it is. But I think that the work for you now is to understand your own behaviour and needs in this relationship instead of trying to understand his. I know it sounds easy for me saying that typing it from here. But I have been where you are. Learn the lessons and move on when you are ready. You didn't hit the jackpot with him. I dare say you will not hit the jackpot with anybody else until you find the gold in you first. I am looking for my own gold inside me too.
You could be asking yourself:
Why did I stay for two years even though I never heard 'I love you'...even though it was making me insecure...even though he was pulling away sexually...?
Why do I want back even though he said it is over and is ignoring me?
Why did I jump in so quickly and spent every single day and night together even though I couldn't possibly know him well? Where did my life, hobbies, wants and needs, goals and aspirations fit in this relationship?
I heard once that the degree of our suffering after a break up is proportional to the degree we sold ourselves out...meaning that the more we lost ourselves to the other person and to the relationship the more it will hurt. The good news is that you now are the one responsible for finding yourself again and fixing the holes, you don't need anybody else and you have everything within you to do it.
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Post by lanacana on Oct 8, 2017 16:13:53 GMT
Thank you both of for responding! Dear lover I am literally changed over what you just wrote me. Definitely putting a lot of things in perspective and putting a lot of tough questions in my head. I recognize that I lost myself in this relationship. I'm disappointed in myself because I've never felt so pathetic. I've always prided myself on being such a strong independent woman who doesn't have time for such games. The thing with my ex is I feel like he changed so gradually I didn't even notice. I was in too deep. I loved him so much and I so badly wanted things to work. I know that the root of my disappointment comes from allowing myself to be treated like this. Allowing myself to accept a boyfriend who was unwilling to give me what I needed. I feel like a fool for selling myself out. I feel weak and it scares me. I still feel vulnerable and I still miss him terribly. I know everyday will get a little bit better. There is a large part of me that never wants to hear from him again because I'm scared of the power that he holds over me. Last year we got into an argument and he didn't talk to me for 3 days. I was certain that we were breaking up and then he just came back like it was nothing and said he just needed space. Again I blamed myself for pushing him to a level where he felt like he needed space away from me. The confusing thing with my ex is this behavior would happen maybe once a year. Other than that he was always available to me. He was the one insistent that I come over spend numerous nights in a row etc. The only thing I I felt deprived of in the relationship was the emotional component. I just assumed he wasn't good at expressing himself because his actions showed that he loved me. Stupid huh? Overtime I noticed that he has a way with people. I've seen him cut out friends for months at a time only to start up the Friendship again like nothing happened. I've even seen him do this with his own family members. It always scared me and now I can see why
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Post by joanneg on Oct 8, 2017 22:28:46 GMT
So sorry that you're feeling like this Lana and it literally changes you. It does but hopefully you can use this negative and challenging time as a good thing. Use it as a time to learn about yourself, work on yourself and most importantly figure out what you do want (and deserve) from a relationship. That's what I've been trying to do. It does get easier. At first I felt so lost and down and depressed and sick and the list goes on. But know a few months down the line I am learning that the relationship is not what I would want for my life. Your relationship sounds good for the most part however life is tough and things happen that are challenging that you want a partner who can be there with you during these hard times and work through it and not just ignore you. Your partners his inability to say I love you of course had an effect on your self confidence. Perhaps there were minor things that almost are so tiny and minuscule that slowly it also eroded your security in the yourself and the relationship. Try not to blame although I don't think you are but yes look at yourself. At the beginning of my break up (being dumped) I did all the classic stuff..put him on a pedestal, think he's amazing, see the relationship as majority good when really it wasn't. I have learnt from it and you will too. It will happen. Two years is not that long .. better you know how the relationship would be now...work on yourself ... and try move on. Watch for the red flags.set boundaries. Know what you want from a partner and don't settle. It will get better. No contact is best. Focus on you. Don't blame yourself. You are so much more than this relationship. Look after yourself. Exercise. Read. Be with friends. Bubble baths. This forum has helped me a lot as well  |
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Post by lanacana on Oct 10, 2017 6:31:14 GMT
It has been 15 days since we broke up. 8 days since I've reached out. My heart is shattered. I don't even know how to move on. In 20 years of dating I've never been this heartbroken in my life. I'm used to being the one that pulls the plug and ends things in. I'm sitting here with so many questions and I just miss him so much. my heart is absolutely broken I don't know how to move on....
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Post by emkaye on Oct 10, 2017 14:47:46 GMT
I don't understand how someone can cut you out of their life so quickly as if you meant nothing to them. You didn't mean nothing to them, avoidants just have a hard time of expressing their needs and emotions. Their lack of intimacy leaves you feeling cold and rejected. I've been there twice now. I'm about a month out from my second break up from an avoidant. It does suck. I miss the guy but I realize that there is nothing I can do to change him so it's better to cut my losses and move forward. Easier said than done. Take this time to pamper yourself, seek out your friends and take a few days off if you need them. Seek therapy, your minister or a close trusted friend. You need to realize how valuable you are. How lucky someone would be to have you in their life. It sounds like you have some anxious tendencies, as I do myself. We give 200% to avoidants and get 30% back if we're lucky. The lack of connection and availability leaves us feeling emotionally drained, unloved and ignored. I actually feel sorry for my latest ex. If you look at his social media he looks like he's having the time of his life which I'm sure is not reality. Facebook is just a manipulated false reality. Secretly, I'm sure he is struggling as I'm sure your guy is as well. I know you want the guy back as I want mine back too, but there's nothing YOU can do to change them. They can only change themselves. Say a prayer for them and then leave them alone. I know it's hard, but you can do it! You are stronger than you think! Each time you beg them to come back it inflates their worth while degrading yours. It sends a message that you are not worthy of them, that you are willing to do anything to get them back and that allows them to give you less, while expecting more from you. It puts them in total control. I hope that you feel better soon and I will say a prayer for you. You will get through this. I was in your shoes just a few weeks ago and am doing so much better now. This forum is a great place for comfort and healing. Visit often! It has helped me tremendously! |
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 11, 2017 0:46:52 GMT
For the most part I think DAs do care, but there's just...a lot in the way. Even if someone isn't showing feeling the way you want them to, you can never really know what they feel randomly, or when they're alone, or at night, etc. etc.
I know what you mean though-- it's tough when you want to do the opposite of walking way, and the other person seems to just walk away, and the "why" is never clear. I'm a somewhat-avoidant person who has had feelings for avoidant people before (which makes me turn anxious), so I get both sides of the coin to some degree. Both sides are hellish but I think being the one who didn't want to walk away is worse.
Just keep reminding yourself that if they don't choose to turn around or change (and they are unlikely too) that you are better off doing your best to move on.
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