msg
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Post by msg on Oct 19, 2020 14:21:41 GMT
My DA and I (AP) are constantly going through the DA/AP cycle. I've become very aware of it recently and I'm recognising my responsibly in it and actively trying to change what I can. He, on the other hand, seems to still be stuck in the old pattern.
Things have been going well with us at the moment (we're currently in calm, reconciliation stage of the cycle) But he called me last night and I think he was subconsciously provoking me to start the cycle again. He said a few off hand comments to see if I would react. A month ago I would have reacted very badly to what he said. I would have let my insecurities run wild and jumped to negative conclusions.
Last night I shrugged them off. Though I did initially started to jump to negative conclusion in my head, I stop them and reacted in a healthy way. For example, he said he's might go on a trip for his bday next weekend and my AP and paranoid thoughts would be HE'S GOING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN and I would react insecurely pressing him on WHY and WHO are you going with?!!? I stopped myself as I recognise this as very unhealthy. Instead I said "That'll be fun!". After the phone call I realised it's not even possible for him to go on this trip due to COVID restrictions. I don't know if he's even aware of that or if he genuinely thinks the trip is a possibility. I wondered if he was just putting it out there to see how I would react. Or if it's a deactivating strategy and he's "flexing" his independence and showing how much of a "lone wolf" he is. The whole thing just seemed very odd.
Another example of what I think was "provoking" was he asked me if I'm sick of being home yet (I recently had to move back because of COVID). In the past I have expressed a lot of negativity about going home, like crying and complaining and all round immaturity. It's almost as if he wanted me to say "yes it's sooo terrible please save me" and play into my old codependent ways. Instead I laughed and said I'm actually really loving being home.
I think he's subconsciously testing me. Though he doesn't know it, it's as if he wants the cycle to start again and he's nudging me. Like he wants to subconsciously create the instability we're so familiar with. As if we find comfort in the chaos. Or maybe it's so I would react negatively and he would be able to say "aha! I told you were.... (insert AP behaviour here)" and run away again. It's almost as if things are been too stable.
I don't think he believes I'm changing for the better either. For example, I told him I'd finished a book that has really helped me identify unhealthy behaviour and how to change it and he said something along the lines of "yeah, we'll see." I think this is toxic behaviour on his part, but that's ok, he's not there yet and that's fine. He'll have to work on that himself and all I can do is work on myself. I also understand due to my past behaviour he would have a hard time believing I'm changing for the better. Once bitten, twice shy. I've hurt him with my horrible behaviour in the past and I can see he's very apprehensive and almost waiting for me to "explode". The only difference now is that I'm deciding there will be a change for me, he is obviously not there yet (hence this weird provoking tactics). Maybe the damage has been done and he's already branded me as unstable and won't be able to move on from that. Maybe I'll eventually decide I can't improve if he doesn't work on himself. All I can do is continue on my journey to secure attachment.
I'm not looking for advice on the relationship, I'm aware it sounds toxic but we're working on that. Just because I'm in a better place doesn't mean he is yet and I'm willing to be patient. I just really would like to understand the psychology behind this behaviour.
Do any DAs out there recognise this behaviour? Is it subconscious provoking? Is it just testing to see if I'm "safe"?
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 19, 2020 14:30:21 GMT
Are you sure he is DA and not FA? Cycling/testing is typically an FA behavior. An FA has both avoidant and anxious patterns...and if you have taken the anxious role, then he will lean avoidant with you. He certainly could be testing you...that is not uncommon and is an immature way to ensure that you will stick around. Think about it...APs do the same thing....if I do this will you still love me? What about this? And so on. I would spend more time thinking through how that made you feel versus his motives. Is this type of behavior something you want in your life?
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Post by maryisback on Oct 20, 2020 0:20:28 GMT
It sounds like normal conversation to me. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion there is a test behind the comments. I have said that to countless people since the pandemic about being sick of being home .
Did you ask about the details of the trip. Could have been a fleeting thought, who knows. Maybe he wanted you to volunteer to go with him.
I don't know if this goes for all DAs but I don't like chaos in relationships so when there is chaos , I will deactivate and "take a break". There is nooooo way I would try to create the chaos. When things are smooth and easy, I'm at ease.
I am consciously trying to not provoke the other. My ex was FA and he did provoke situations. His were much more obvious and he swore he didn't mean to do it but it seemed like he wanted a reaction or attention. It was one of the main reasons we broke up.
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Post by serenity on Oct 21, 2020 5:18:57 GMT
I'd assume its an Avoidant distancing strategy (Avoidant FA or DA), since he knows from previous fights what makes you feel insecure. He didn't need to be vague or even let you know you were being excluded; he could have easily said I'm taking a trip with x (or alone) or kept it to himself. Its not quite the same as wanting chaos (though it can cause that if you react). Its more like the distancing strategy of sabotaging when things are going well (since you're doing well and talking a lot lately). If you haven't read this before, this is a pretty good list of distancing strategies used by Avoidant partners (I'll assume unaware ones) Be aware, that when you stop reacting (causing chaos that they blame you for), the distancing strategies escalate to more hurtful ones, until you react. www.loveaddictionhelp.com/12-distancing-strategies-the-love-avoidant-uses-to-avoid-intimacy1.Avoiding physical closeness— avoiding sex, or severely reducing sexual contact; eluding physical affection; avoiding proximity/closeness: (e.g., hugging, kissing, holding hands, sitting close; avoiding sharing the same bed; avoids sharing same bed; walks ahead or behind, etc.); also may retreat when affection is offered. 2.Refusal to make commitment— makes assorted statements to shun commitment to a relationship, “I’m not ready for commitment,” “I’m no good at relationships,” or “I never have good relationships”, all the while engaging in a monogamous relationship, sometimes for years; (relationship looks/appears like a committed relationship). 3.Avoids verbalizing “I love you”— avoids saying “I love you”, while simultaneously asserting feelings towards the other; makes excuses as to why he/she can’t or won’t say, ”I love you"; may say something like, “You know how I feel, why should I have to say it." 4.Sabotages when things are going well— when a relationship seems to be going well, he/she sabotages or disrupts it in some way; e.g., starts arguments; suddenly acts angry or resentful; becomes passive-aggressive; doesn't keep agreements; doesn't call back; becomes overly demanding, controlling arrogant; becomes hostile, defensive, or reactive for no apparent reason; creates unnecessary drama, etc.) 5.Cheats or has affair/’s— establishes a sexual, romantic, or emotional relationship with another person; creates a relationship with people who are unavailable (e.g., married or already in a committed romantic relationship). 6.Refuses to resolve conflicts; communicate— refuses to discuss relational problems or resolve, negotiate conflicts; rebuffs sharing his/her internal or external stressors; withhold feelings, thoughts wants or needs. 7.Criticizes or devalues— partner becomes the “enemy”; focuses on partners flaws or imperfections; makes belittling observations (e.g., comments on way partner talks, dresses, eats, looks, or (fill in the blank); finds fault/blames partner for any current or ongoing issues); displays a negative attitude of resentment, revulsion, or dislike; disparaging comments on traits he/she found to be positive in recent past; devalues, despite partners genuine effort of being open, loving, honest, caring, supportive, etc. 8.Pines for past relationship (ex-girlfriend/boyfriend)— talks or thinks about a past relationship partner with a sense of craving, nostalgia, yearning, or longing for “the long lost love”; may make statements about great qualities of an ex-flame, all the while ignoring/minimizing ex’s imperfections that, in reality, what avoidant focused on in past relationship; convinces self that he/she was “the best partner I ever had”; may also dream of “the one perfect partner” who is “out there somewhere”. * This defense may seem absurd (it is). Yet, in the Avoidants mind, this defense justifies that “I’m okay and not the problem, my partner (current) is the problem” … to them, a perfect rationale to keep a current partner at arm’s length and make him/her seem unimportant by comparison. It also sends a message that the avoidant partner “actually craves or is capable of intimacy." Don’t buy it!– dreaming of an ideal partner or ruminating about a past relationship doesn’t mean the avoidant is capable of real intimacy; the truth is in fact, they drive it away; and would do so in any romantic relationship they get in. 9.Flirting with others— frequently leads on, flirts, teases, or plays with other/'s seemingly potential partners or “flings” (with little or no consideration of current partners feelings) - a tactic to send a conscious or unconscious message that “I’m always on the lookout for another, you’re not that important to me”-- no doubt, this is an emotionally abusive and callous act to make a partner feel insecure, anxious, and self-doubting. As goes one quote, “Flirting is the Art of Keeping at a Safe Distance." 10.Emotionally “checks out” of relationship— spends lots of time away from partner; displays disinterest about partner’s daily life, concerns, thoughts, views, or feelings; rarely initiates conversations and/or cuts them short; indifferent, aloof, and unconcerned attitudes; ignores or minimizes sincere caring and loving acts/behaviors by partner; exhibits a posture such as, “you’re not that important to me”, “I have more important things to do with my time”, or “Don’t bother me." 11. Keeps Secrets — withholds important information from partner (e.g., won’t tell how money is spent; doesn’t share what he/she is doing with their time , or persons, they spent time with when away; conceals important feelings, thoughts, or views); shares information in ways which leaves things unclear, vague, or ambiguous; may keep secrets from close family members, friends, etc. about personal or relational matters. This defense is to maintain an entrenched desire to be independent and self-reliant (all Avoidants have) * Healthy/secure relationships involve inter-dependency: a balance of independence and dependence. One extreme or the other blocks authentic interaction and intimacy, and leads to painful/unhappy relationships. 12.Focus is outside/away from relationship— creates external distractions; diverts essential time and energy away from relationship (e.g., being excessively preoccupied in work, hobbies, children, or other relationships); outside focus can be some addiction or compulsive behavior (e,g., porn, sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, gaming, etc.) -- All a sure way to disengage and avoid giving a relationship time and nourishment; guaranteeing the obstruction of intimacy. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 21, 2020 5:41:10 GMT
Fun! My long-term FA ex did every single thing on that list except #5 (cheating).
His phantom ex sounded DA or FA-triggered-avoidant.
Round and round we went until I finally chose to get off the AP/FA roller-coaster almost 3 years later. Healthy boundaries and good, honest communication are the antidote, though they may also lead to walking away from a roller-coaster relationship if both partners aren't committed to practicing them. And if that's the path you choose, it is okay.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 21, 2020 5:43:58 GMT
It sounds like normal conversation to me. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion there is a test behind the comments. I have said that to countless people since the pandemic about being sick of being home . Did you ask about the details of the trip. Could have been a fleeting thought, who knows. Maybe he wanted you to volunteer to go with him. I do agree that the next step here is direct communication on your part so he clarifies what he means and you're not guessing. And I did have an FA ex start talking about a trip because he was fishing around to see if I'd volunteer that I wanted to join him but was too scared (or not committed enough!) to ask outright. |
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msg
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Post by msg on Oct 21, 2020 8:05:37 GMT
I'd assume its an Avoidant distancing strategy (Avoidant FA or DA), since he knows from previous fights what makes you feel insecure. He didn't need to be vague or even let you know you were being excluded; he could have easily said I'm taking a trip with x (or alone) or kept it to himself. Its not quite the same as wanting chaos (though it can cause that if you react). Its more like the distancing strategy of sabotaging when things are going well (since you're doing well and talking a lot lately). If you haven't read this before, this is a pretty good list of distancing strategies used by Avoidant partners (I'll assume unaware ones) Be aware, that when you stop reacting (causing chaos that they blame you for), the distancing strategies escalate to more hurtful ones, until you react. www.loveaddictionhelp.com/12-distancing-strategies-the-love-avoidant-uses-to-avoid-intimacy1.Avoiding physical closeness— avoiding sex, or severely reducing sexual contact; eluding physical affection; avoiding proximity/closeness: (e.g., hugging, kissing, holding hands, sitting close; avoiding sharing the same bed; avoids sharing same bed; walks ahead or behind, etc.); also may retreat when affection is offered. 2.Refusal to make commitment— makes assorted statements to shun commitment to a relationship, “I’m not ready for commitment,” “I’m no good at relationships,” or “I never have good relationships”, all the while engaging in a monogamous relationship, sometimes for years; (relationship looks/appears like a committed relationship). 3.Avoids verbalizing “I love you”— avoids saying “I love you”, while simultaneously asserting feelings towards the other; makes excuses as to why he/she can’t or won’t say, ”I love you"; may say something like, “You know how I feel, why should I have to say it." 4.Sabotages when things are going well— when a relationship seems to be going well, he/she sabotages or disrupts it in some way; e.g., starts arguments; suddenly acts angry or resentful; becomes passive-aggressive; doesn't keep agreements; doesn't call back; becomes overly demanding, controlling arrogant; becomes hostile, defensive, or reactive for no apparent reason; creates unnecessary drama, etc.) 5.Cheats or has affair/’s— establishes a sexual, romantic, or emotional relationship with another person; creates a relationship with people who are unavailable (e.g., married or already in a committed romantic relationship). 6.Refuses to resolve conflicts; communicate— refuses to discuss relational problems or resolve, negotiate conflicts; rebuffs sharing his/her internal or external stressors; withhold feelings, thoughts wants or needs. 7.Criticizes or devalues— partner becomes the “enemy”; focuses on partners flaws or imperfections; makes belittling observations (e.g., comments on way partner talks, dresses, eats, looks, or (fill in the blank); finds fault/blames partner for any current or ongoing issues); displays a negative attitude of resentment, revulsion, or dislike; disparaging comments on traits he/she found to be positive in recent past; devalues, despite partners genuine effort of being open, loving, honest, caring, supportive, etc. 8.Pines for past relationship (ex-girlfriend/boyfriend)— talks or thinks about a past relationship partner with a sense of craving, nostalgia, yearning, or longing for “the long lost love”; may make statements about great qualities of an ex-flame, all the while ignoring/minimizing ex’s imperfections that, in reality, what avoidant focused on in past relationship; convinces self that he/she was “the best partner I ever had”; may also dream of “the one perfect partner” who is “out there somewhere”. * This defense may seem absurd (it is). Yet, in the Avoidants mind, this defense justifies that “I’m okay and not the problem, my partner (current) is the problem” … to them, a perfect rationale to keep a current partner at arm’s length and make him/her seem unimportant by comparison. It also sends a message that the avoidant partner “actually craves or is capable of intimacy." Don’t buy it!– dreaming of an ideal partner or ruminating about a past relationship doesn’t mean the avoidant is capable of real intimacy; the truth is in fact, they drive it away; and would do so in any romantic relationship they get in. 9.Flirting with others— frequently leads on, flirts, teases, or plays with other/'s seemingly potential partners or “flings” (with little or no consideration of current partners feelings) - a tactic to send a conscious or unconscious message that “I’m always on the lookout for another, you’re not that important to me”-- no doubt, this is an emotionally abusive and callous act to make a partner feel insecure, anxious, and self-doubting. As goes one quote, “Flirting is the Art of Keeping at a Safe Distance." 10.Emotionally “checks out” of relationship— spends lots of time away from partner; displays disinterest about partner’s daily life, concerns, thoughts, views, or feelings; rarely initiates conversations and/or cuts them short; indifferent, aloof, and unconcerned attitudes; ignores or minimizes sincere caring and loving acts/behaviors by partner; exhibits a posture such as, “you’re not that important to me”, “I have more important things to do with my time”, or “Don’t bother me." 11. Keeps Secrets — withholds important information from partner (e.g., won’t tell how money is spent; doesn’t share what he/she is doing with their time , or persons, they spent time with when away; conceals important feelings, thoughts, or views); shares information in ways which leaves things unclear, vague, or ambiguous; may keep secrets from close family members, friends, etc. about personal or relational matters. This defense is to maintain an entrenched desire to be independent and self-reliant (all Avoidants have) * Healthy/secure relationships involve inter-dependency: a balance of independence and dependence. One extreme or the other blocks authentic interaction and intimacy, and leads to painful/unhappy relationships. 12.Focus is outside/away from relationship— creates external distractions; diverts essential time and energy away from relationship (e.g., being excessively preoccupied in work, hobbies, children, or other relationships); outside focus can be some addiction or compulsive behavior (e,g., porn, sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, gaming, etc.) -- All a sure way to disengage and avoid giving a relationship time and nourishment; guaranteeing the obstruction of intimacy. This is exactly what I was looking for! Thank you so much. I have seen/am seeing some of this behaviour in him. So it's very clear he's still strongly deactivating and distancing...what do I do? I'm willing to be patient but for my own self-esteem I'm not willing to be treated like shit. He is unaware of what he is doing so I'm giving him space and working on myself. At the moment, it would be a very bad idea for me to try to get him to understand what he's subconsciously doing. I'm not going to feed into his behaviour. I almost see it as a child throwing a tantrum and I'm not giving it attention. I definitely plan to bring it up with him further down the line if/when things are more stable and we're communicating openly again. He's obviously not there yet. I've not had good boundaries in the past and that's something I'm focusing on so if I notice more severe or hurtful strategies I was thinking of saying something to him like...."I’ve really been working on myself lately and learning how to express myself in a healthier manner and having a healthy self-esteem. A huge part of that is having boundaries. And this is one of them." He can get defensive to that statement all he wants but ultimately he would have to respect it, even if that means distancing himself more and leaving me alone, I don't care. At the end of the conversation I said I had to go (I never usually initiate ending the call but, again, new boundaries) and he said "yeah, yeah, I know you hate me." I was very taken aback by this. I just laughed and assured him I did not hate him and we ended the call. If I had asked him what he had meant by that, I know for sure he would have said it was just a joke (he says that to almost everything, especially when he has said some very rude and hurtful comments in the past, easy way out for him to not take responsibility!). Do you think that comment was his insecurities peeking through? It's been two days since that call and everything seems fine. He did ask me again if I was enjoying being back home, but this time he sounded sad. Maybe I'm reading too much into all of this. In the end, it doesn't matter, I just want to concentrate on my own well-being. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if/how I can balance that and his attachment style at the same time. When he's in a better place we can talk about it. He usually is quite open to have conversations like that but right now I can see he isn't. |
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msg
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Post by msg on Oct 21, 2020 8:12:11 GMT
It sounds like normal conversation to me. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion there is a test behind the comments. I have said that to countless people since the pandemic about being sick of being home . Did you ask about the details of the trip. Could have been a fleeting thought, who knows. Maybe he wanted you to volunteer to go with him. I do agree that the next step here is direct communication on your part so he clarifies what he means and you're not guessing. And I did have an FA ex start talking about a trip because he was fishing around to see if I'd volunteer that I wanted to join him but was too scared (or not committed enough!) to ask outright. There's no way me going with him is a possibility. I'm on the other side of the world |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 21, 2020 9:17:38 GMT
msg I do agree that the next step here is direct communication on your part so he clarifies what he means and you're not guessing. And I did have an FA ex start talking about a trip because he was fishing around to see if I'd volunteer that I wanted to join him but was too scared (or not committed enough!) to ask outright. There's no way me going with him is a possibility. I'm on the other side of the world One of the biggest issues with LDR is that the communications often do not allow the opportunity to see a person’s body language and you are left trying to interpret the other person’s intention, mood etc. Has your relationship always been Long distance? |
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msg
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Post by msg on Oct 21, 2020 11:16:54 GMT
Yes, long distance for 3 years. On average we've been able to see each other every 3 months.
I just spent 3.5 months staying with him over the summer, we argued a lot due to me being insecure, needing reassurance, etc. He deactivated as soon as I left saying he wasn't happy due to the fights. Says he loves me and wants to us to work but we have issues and he doesn't know what to do. Whenever he is confused he pushes me away. I agree something wasn't working and respected his need for space and I started focusing on myself. Despite asking for space he's contacted me every day, I think to keep me close because he doesn't want to lose me but not too close. Then I started reading more and more about our attachment styles, realised though my issues have a part to play, HIS issues have a huge part to play as well. I've started seeing everything he's done/said is DA behaviour. Even the fact he pursued a long distance relationship with me is DA behaviour! Or how he thinks if I "fix" my issues, we'll be able to work. Ignoring his own issues and thinking the other person is the problem is DA behaviour. Pushing me away when all becomes too much but still contacting me when it's not a threat anymore is DA behaviour. But I'm unable to communicate any of that to him right now as he's deactivating. I've been doing good, feeling OK, focusing on myself, keeping him at a safe distance and being careful with this "sabotaging" behaviour from him. I can be patient for now and keep myself happy but I'll have to say something/cut him off if it starts becoming detrimental to my own path to secure attachment. But for now I'm just identifying them as AP triggers, whether he means them or not
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Post by maryisback on Oct 21, 2020 12:52:15 GMT
msg I do agree that the next step here is direct communication on your part so he clarifies what he means and you're not guessing. And I did have an FA ex start talking about a trip because he was fishing around to see if I'd volunteer that I wanted to join him but was too scared (or not committed enough!) to ask outright. There's no way me going with him is a possibility. I'm on the other side of the world The point is not about the trip. The point is that you are making up stories in your head about what he might mean or not mean. I think you are triggering yourself. Now the story is, he is trying to subconsciously provoke you. Why create these negative thoughts? |
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msg
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Post by msg on Oct 21, 2020 13:53:21 GMT
There's no way me going with him is a possibility. I'm on the other side of the world The point is not about the trip. The point is that you are making up stories in your head about what he might mean or not mean. I think you are triggering yourself. Now the story is, he is trying to subconsciously provoke you. Why create these negative thoughts? Yeah, I agree it's not about the trip, I was just clarifying because you and alexandra suggested maybe he mentioned it so I would volunteer to go too and that reply was to say it's definitely not a possibility. Anyway, you're probably right, I could just be triggering myself. I'm still trying to figure it all out in my head and understand what are unhealthy AP thoughts or not. And I realise me obsessing over what he says and creating a narrative in my head is total AP behaviour. Maybe I created that story because it hurt less than thinking about him actually going on a trip and having a great time without me. I recognise that all as unhealthy. Thanks for your input |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 21, 2020 14:10:37 GMT
The point is not about the trip. The point is that you are making up stories in your head about what he might mean or not mean. I think you are triggering yourself. Now the story is, he is trying to subconsciously provoke you. Why create these negative thoughts? Yeah, I agree it's not about the trip, I was just clarifying because you and alexandra suggested maybe he mentioned it so I would volunteer to go too and that reply was to say it's definitely not a possibility. Anyway, you're probably right, I could just be triggering myself. I'm still trying to figure it all out in my head and understand what are unhealthy AP thoughts or not. And I realise me obsessing over what he says and creating a narrative in my head is total AP behaviour. Thanks for your input Whenever that happens...say out loud...the story in my head is....”. That will make it very clear to your brain and your limbic system that it is a story. Magical thinking and mind reading are part of the AP insecure attachment. At one point, they served to keep a younger version of you “safe” by trying to predict the reaction of your parent....but as an adult, you can question the validity of those stories. A friend of mine once gave me the following task....whenever you come up with a story....you must also come up with 3 alternative stories, one of which can be...i don’t know what he means or what he intended and I will get clarity from him when it is the right time. So, as an example....there was one night where B did not answer his phone and I had this story in my head that he was leaving me. I then came up with...he is away from his phone/his phone is turn off and he is taking a nap. Both of those were legitimate alternative reasons why he did not answer. The other reason to do this is to give your brain “options” other then going straight for the worst possible outcome. Try it....but make sure you say it out loud. |
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msg
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Post by msg on Oct 21, 2020 15:19:02 GMT
Whenever that happens...say out loud...the story in my head is....”. That will make it very clear to your brain and your limbic system that it is a story. Magical thinking and mind reading are part of the AP insecure attachment. At one point, they served to keep a younger version of you “safe” by trying to predict the reaction of your parent....but as an adult, you can question the validity of those stories. A friend of mine once gave me the following task....whenever you come up with a story....you must also come up with 3 alternative stories, one of which can be...i don’t know what he means or what he intended and I will get clarity from him when it is the right time. So, as an example....there was one night where B did not answer his phone and I had this story in my head that he was leaving me. I then came up with...he is away from his phone/his phone is turn off and he is taking a nap. Both of those were legitimate alternative reasons why he did not answer. The other reason to do this is to give your brain “options” other then going straight for the worst possible outcome. Try it....but make sure you say it out loud. Thank you so much, that is great advice. I have been trying to do that. I guess I still have some practicing to do. Thank you |
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Post by serenity on Oct 21, 2020 19:17:44 GMT
Yes, long distance for 3 years. On average we've been able to see each other every 3 months. I just spent 3.5 months staying with him over the summer, we argued a lot due to me being insecure, needing reassurance, etc. He deactivated as soon as I left saying he wasn't happy due to the fights. Says he loves me and wants to us to work but we have issues and he doesn't know what to do. Whenever he is confused he pushes me away. I agree something wasn't working and respected his need for space and I started focusing on myself. Despite asking for space he's contacted me every day, I think to keep me close because he doesn't want to lose me but not too close. Then I started reading more and more about our attachment styles, realised though my issues have a part to play, HIS issues have a huge part to play as well. I've started seeing everything he's done/said is DA behaviour. Even the fact he pursued a long distance relationship with me is DA behaviour! Or how he thinks if I "fix" my issues, we'll be able to work. Ignoring his own issues and thinking the other person is the problem is DA behaviour. Pushing me away when all becomes too much but still contacting me when it's not a threat anymore is DA behaviour. But I'm unable to communicate any of that to him right now as he's deactivating. I've been doing good, feeling OK, focusing on myself, keeping him at a safe distance and being careful with this "sabotaging" behaviour from him. I can be patient for now and keep myself happy but I'll have to say something/cut him off if it starts becoming detrimental to my own path to secure attachment. But for now I'm just identifying them as AP triggers, whether he means them or not Hugs msg, Its a rough position to be in and most of us has been where you are and definitely relate. Asserting boundaries, and getting your needs met is so difficult when your partner has the ability to completely detach and exit the relationship. I wanted to share this particular resource with you; it describes attachment styles, origins, and the issues in relationships the best and most fairly I've seen articulated anywhere on the web. It also has a section called "what is the solution" that might help with you deciding how to approach this with your partner. www.freetoattach.com/solution-overviewSending you love <3 |
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