How to turn secure: let's share experiences and tips?

Gosh, I have alot (below) but it basically boils down to this question "Does dating this person make me feel calm and content today?" If I'm dating someone and daily feelings are NOT calm and contented, then I cut it off, even if I am lonely. The point of it all is to be in a neutral and calm zone, so that any decisions made from that place comes from a deeper sense of self that can only be heard when one is emotionally/mentally quiet. I have applied this question to other aspects as well e.g., work, friendships, activities. Anything that shakes my inner calm needs to be cut. This has been my strategy, and it works!

I think the process of turning secure is a combination of making the hard decision to stop being you (AP) and try out a different identity PLUS learning new skills (like what your therapist said!). I say "hard decision" because it is a conscious and emotional commitment to give up current coping mechanisms, which is quite a scary thing to do. For myself, I just wanted an easier life for myself and being AP was making my life hard. Anything was better than being AP, and once I let go of the APness that "protects" me, the easiest state to be is secure because it's literally the most psychologically and emotionally comfortable state to be in. This of course comes with the need to learn new skills such as communication, emotional landing, self-soothing, improving self-esteem etc to beef up on that comfortable state. but personally, the foundation for turning secure is the desire to be at peace and in a much easier psychological/emotional state. This is also why danger is no longer attractive to me - it is not a comfortable state to be in and it requires me to take action to get something that isn't coming to me naturally (e.g., validation, connection, support).

My top resources:
this forum
Steve Harvey's videos/dating tips
tiny buddha
attachment literature (academic)
Abraham Hicks

Processes:
- lots of crying - did not suppress emotions
- journalling, writing stuff down, making mindmaps, glossary of key terms
- lots of self care e.g., if I'm crying, i do so comfortably

Decisions I made for myself:
- no rumination/fantasizing/daydreaming
- do not get upset when things are not what I desire. nod, accept, and walk away!
- no chasing the other party
- protect myself and make sure that i will be fine even if I'm "abandoned" e.g., financially secure, be decent at my job, have options, take good care of myself
- being ok with the fact that i may be alone forever
- communicate and be clear what I want, do not feel pressured/judged/ashamed to have those criteria.

Dating criteria:
- consistency. one thing I paid particular attention to is hot/cold/withdrawal. If someone goes cold/withdraws after things are going well, it's a huge red flag and I cut it off immediately. 
- upward trajectory. things should be progressing, expanding and growing. if things are stagnating, too much variation, very slow growth, then it's not for me either. 
- honesty, authenticity, forthcoming
- willing and able to be in committed relationships with ME
- provides stability, security and normalness (judge by their actions and words, evidenced by my feelings of being calm and content)

Rules for myself
- be calm and content everyday - if something/someone does not make me feel this way, disengage! Any feelings of excitement is probably a bad sign.
- no rumination/fantasizing/daydreaming/obsessing - think only in concrete terms of actual real-life situations e.g., is this person calling himself my bf vs I think he is my bf cos we act like partners? are we booking a trip already or are we just talking about it?
- no effort needed to make relating happen i.e., no chasing, courting. invest effort only in nurturing a natural relation. this also means no rushing into affiliating/relationships, if it happens, it happens.
- no conflict from my end i.e., only talk, no crying no screaming.
- be willing and able to be in committed relationships i.e., make sure I am in the right headspace and emotional space every day so as to be a good partner. If i am not in a good space, do not be in a relationship
- everyone is an individual - respect that by keeping distance from them (to compensate for AP's natural tendencies to cross boundaries). let them come to you i.e., natural relation.
- be ok if you're rejected
- act on demonstrated actions, not just on my feelings. this goes back to "do not pursue", but affiliate and nurture only when the relation is naturally established.

hi annes - yes you're very right on all accounts. here're some of my personal reflections on these points you've brought up that I've experienced myself, and I hope it is of help to you.

1. Thought: "oh they so rare". The truth is they are not! What is really rare is a stable calming loving connection. Liking someone is not that rare, if you put in a bit of effort, you can LIKE many people and/or form difficult relationships with them. What is rare is finding someone you like AND having a good calm stable relationship. The issue here is that the latter (calmness) is mistaken as no passion, no spark, boring, not romantic, and so we often take that as a cue that we don't like the person. the way I managed this was really just placing a very high premium on calmness and stability, and whether I liked someone or not is completely irrelevant. My starting point is neutral - if I don't like the person, it's natural that you will not feel stable/calm. So, I acted based on consistency over time which will give me a sense/state of calmness and stability. I do not act on how much i LIKE someone. This applies also to friendships and colleagues.

2. Feelings: yes, so all these tricks about acting secure, they're just a symptomatic cure. The root of turning secure is to turn your emotional profile over. Our actions are motivated by how we feel. Liking someone? Pursue! We act on emotion too much, and therefore, we need to learn 3 things. 1. how to not act on emotion, 2. how to change our emotion profiles (e.g., how to stop being so anxious), and 3. how to behave no matter how you feel. So it's important to mirror secure behavior to learn skills #1 and #2, the crux is really #2 because that forms your reality.

3. Fears: for me, this was what #2 was all about. it was fear of abandonment, fear of not finding someone I like, fear of being alone, fear of this fear of that -- this is all based on the idea of scarcity. and this fear motivated a lot of other feelings and actions. For example, quick emotional investment into someone, liking them too fast too much, want the relationship to progress as quickly as possible, ignoring red flags etc. these fears are based in childhood and adult trauma, so it's important to face AND accept them. I didn't do anything really special, didn't go for therapy and what not. I just read as many articles as i can (academic and non-academic) and formed some language around my own experiences. Sensemaking for APs is very important - understanding yourself and how other people are and how it all fits together. The key here is understanding yourself, understanding others is a complementary piece of the knowledge for you to understand what triggers you and why. It's a part of the puzzle that helps you understand yourself, not for you to change the situation. That is why on this forum the advice is always to focus on yourself.

I hope this helps.

annes The replies above are really good, as is your own progress in your process! I believe I wrote in your original thread that you absolutely made the right choice ending things with that FA guy before they went too far. It was a huge deal when I did something similar about a year and a half ago with an FA guy I was casually getting to know. Former AP-me also would have kept trying harder, blaming myself, and stayed, and both being aware (and I was secure already, at that point, but it was the first time since earning secure I had that choice to make) and following through strengthened my trust in myself so much more! Which was reflected in continuing to date "better" and better as I kept moving further into security. So even if it doesn't feel good to you right now, it's okay, that's part of the process. I still had moments of being sad and missing that casual FA even though it was only a 3 month thing... in fact my last ever major anxious-triggered episode was the few hours that night after I ended things with him! But I recognized what it was and that I just needed to let it pass, which it did quickly enough -- again, was fully secure and still had to go through that motion to process it. Uncoupling from FAs is difficult for anyone, and only gets harder over time. So just because you miss him sometimes doesn't mean you're not moving forward in your progress (as long as you keep choosing yourself and don't act on missing him).

Here's a couple older threads where I talked about how I earned secure:

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1262/attachment-style-self-help-suggestions

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1559/anxious-susceptibilities?page=1#post-19922

This is my thread discussing thoughts and pitfalls and recoveries while dating post-AP healing as earned secure since early last year: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1723/trying-date-first-earned-secure

And this thread I think just has incredibly helpful information for anyone!
Over coupling:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response

Hope some of that helps!

I agree with all of these things ocarina that you've said! such a good reminder too. 

I made it a priority to form strong secure friendships with potential dating partners first and I make that explicit. i.e., I would say something like.. I am interested to form a friendship first and see how we can develop it from there. Those who are not interested in doing so pretty much exit almost immediately - which hurts but it's a really good thing. It can feel like rejection but the truth is these pp aren't interested in you as a person, but more interested in you as being an accessory to their lives, rather than creating a life with you. Here is also where I put in place boundaries - I may have some "unreasonable" expectations by some people's standards but I developed these rules that are very specific to me. I don't expect everyone to toe the line, but if someone doesn't even respect me trying to protect myself or seek to understand why those boundaries came about and what they are for, then it's very telling. That's how I ended up with my current partner, to be honest. I remember telling him I'm looking to develop friendships first before anything else. His response was that he already has many friends and don't need another one, but it was very matter of fact and he never pushed or pulled away from me. on subsequent dates, we discussed our approach to and preferences for romantic relationships, which allowed us to share our perspectives, motivations, rules and criteria, and gain a deeper understanding of each other that is more respectful and less personal. We didn't end up being fast friends before dating seriously (that's another story) but the point here is that I had a boundary, he respected it, we communicated and understood the purpose and motivation of the boundary = safe, stable and calm interactions. 

and more importantly, I made sure that I behaved as a secure friend myself first and foremost, and then see how the other person reacts. Here is where mirroring secure behaviors is really important while working on your inner emotional profile. Acting in secure ways is immediate while emoting as a secure takes a longer time - and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I've always been upfront about that too with those around me, that I might feel differently but I'm committed to creating a better life for myself and so I have a behavioral framework put in place. it does take time and it's a process of trial and error, and it might be stressful/scary enacting these behaviors because they're so foreign, but it's all part and parcel of the journey. Don't be discouraged at all!! 

Alexandra, I'm reading the thread you've suggested and I'm finding it extremely helpful. Thanks. Particularly the idea of "getting attachment theory" in "waves". I'm also feeling like this sometimes.