How to turn secure: let's share experiences and tips? Oct 21, 2020 22:17:44 GMT ocarina likes this
Post by annes on Oct 21, 2020 22:17:44 GMT
This forum has been an extremely valuable resource. Reading books and watching videos is not the same as exchanging real life experiences with people. This is great.
I've been for a long time with an AP which triggered my avoidance. Then fell hard for a DA which triggered my anxiety. Now I'm single again after many years, and have this awareness of attachment styles that had no idea about when I was in relationships. So I'm super motivated to become secure. I've made the test again, and apparently now I'm half secure half AP, but still, surprise surprise, I systematically feel attraction for avoidants, those who make me feel as we all know - anxious, confused, obsessed.
I feel like I want to do everything I can to turn secure. I would love to learn what you have been doing, from small to big things, to make that happen. I'll share my own ways:
- psychotherapy. It helped me break the long-term relationship with an AP which triggered my avoidance tremendously. Actually I'm not even sure that was avoidance, at some point it was just that I fell out of love, sadly, but didn't "authorize" myself to leave him because I was trapped in guilt and stuff. Therapy helped me seeing all the traps that I built against myself basically. It also helped me dealing with the subsequent relationship with a DA, a very tumultous one which made me quite miserable. I'm now in a place where I am dating and I feel like a new person. The perspective is very different and new. I can choose more wisely. I can cut off more wisely. I can recognize red flags and patterns early on. This is a sort of privileged point. Can't wait to put into practice what I've been learning.
- "self-aware dating". I posted about this recently. Despite being very attracted to a FA I've been dating, I've made the decision to cut him off very early. Please note I WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS A COUPLE YEARS AGO. Therapy and two awful breakups, including a depression, have brought me to this point. When they say that pain is the major source of growth, I am the living example of how that is true. So while dating a FA my now attachment-styles-aware thought process has been:
#1. I like him. A lot. --> Back off. Realizing that I was getting attached very quickly, without even knowing him.
#2. Starting to obsess about his ambivalence and inconsistency. Spent days waiting for his texts or exhausting second-guessing. Felt like my emotional space was completely filled with this guy, a perfect stranger after all, adn didn't even have energy to focus on my interests in life. --> Hey, I don't like this. This isn't love or whatever. This is my anxiety being triggered. Period.
#3. --> Decide to be upfront and to communicate. I tell him what I'm looking for - not just a casual thing. I've clearly asserted my boundaries and needs. He responds well, but as I've also learned --> wait. Will words and actions align?
#4. --> I realize his actions and words do not align, as he keeps being inconsistent. So I think, I'm getting attached to this guy and I don't want to end up in the same avoidant hell I experienced before.
#5. --> Tell him. Cut off.
A couple years ago I would have just desperately waited for him to be consistent, accepted whatever his behavior was, thought that my anxiety was love. I'm super happy of these very first steps towards a secure style.
Now I feel like ACTION based on awareness instead of action based on blind feelings is the only way out of the anxious trap. Basically, all of this awareness is helping me taking a step back and reconsider things before rushing into them. It's like putting a layer of awareness between me and the guy and the whole thing. This is super new to me. I used to just rush into things, following the flow of feelings, even when it was dangerous. As my therapist told me, if danger used to be a challenge and attractive, now you are seeing it for what it is, a danger, and you step back to protect yourself. This is a healthy reaction. You can't believe how new all this is to me.
Now I am very willing to keep pursuing this road, and become more and more secure. What are your experiences/strategies? What else can I do to turn secure? Thank you!
PS: an incredibly helpful reading: natashaadamo.com/how-to-control-your-emotions/