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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 16:33:10 GMT
So I am very strongly fearful avoidant. Family issues and brutally bullied at school so don't trust care givers and my peers. I have been in therapy for 12 months after my marriage was destroyed by my then wife's infidelity. I am starting to date again but this is the first time I have dated since finding out about my attachment type and being in therapy with someone who knows about this stuff.
Would it be helpful if I shared my experiences? Anonymized a bit to protect the privacy of those involved.
I have come a long way in terms of being able to consciously drop my fake self and be more authenticate. Currently getting to know a woman and I feel like I am emotionally drowning/being smothered. Fighting the urge to run a mile because now I know where the feelings come and so can hopefully choose a healthier path.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 17:22:45 GMT
So I am very strongly fearful avoidant. Family issues and brutally bullied at school so don't trust care givers and my peers. I have been in therapy for 12 months after my marriage was destroyed by my then wife's infidelity. I am starting to date again but this is the first time I have dated since finding out about my attachment type and being in therapy with someone who knows about this stuff. Would it be helpful if I shared my experiences? Anonymized a bit to protect the privacy of those involved. I have come a long way in terms of being able to consciously drop my fake self and be more authenticate. Currently getting to know a woman and I feel like I am emotionally drowning/being smothered. Fighting the urge to run a mile because now I know where the feelings come and so can hopefully choose a healthier path. Thank you very much for offering and I would love to hear your experiences - of therapy and what drove you to it and your current situation. I was in a relationship with a FA man until recently who described the experience of closeness exactly as you did - as being suffocated. Our relationship lasted largely because I am pretty self contained and secure - eventually though I couldn't take the apparent lack of care and realised I was being hurt and I left - he said he didn't understand how therapy would help and that was the final straw and I couldn't consign myself to a lifetime of what he aptly termed neglect. Really good luck going forward. |
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Post by osemka8 on Oct 8, 2017 21:49:22 GMT
Hey, pkidza. I want to congratulate you for deciding and working on yourself. A huge thing for any person in my opinion. Shows character.
I too would like to hear your story as it would shed a light on my previous situation where she is also a FA with past bullying and probable family issues. Every word would be much appreciated and if you're open to questions (if it helps you in any way), I would gladly participate in a discussion.
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Post by joanneg on Oct 8, 2017 22:07:36 GMT
I would definitely like to hear your experiences. I can't believe you feel "suffocating / drowning " I never realised it was such a strong feeling like that... it makes me feel empathetic Pleas share if it doesn't trouble you  |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2017 15:07:30 GMT
Great. This week is hectic but I'll try to post something if I have time. osemka8 Any questions welcome. joanneg It feels like I am going to die, lose my sense of self, everything I am and be overrun by the other person. The anxiety is this dread feeling that I carry in my gut. The "gift" of finding intimacy painful... |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2017 17:26:24 GMT
Great. This week is hectic but I'll try to post something if I have time. osemka8 Any questions welcome. joanneg It feels like I am going to die, lose my sense of self, everything I am and be overrun by the other person. The anxiety is this dread feeling that I carry in my gut. The "gift" of finding intimacy painful... Thank you - could I ask please - is this feeling something that you carry with you all the time - or just in relationships and is it related to feeling smothered by your partner's behaviour or when you begin to have a feeling of intimacy yourself? Hope all is going well for you. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2017 18:20:34 GMT
Thank you - could I ask please - is this feeling something that you carry with you all the time - or just in relationships and is it related to feeling smothered by your partner's behaviour or when you begin to have a feeling of intimacy yourself? Hope all is going well for you. I have an anxiety disorder and so I am always anxious. The smothering feeling definitely gets triggered when I feel that intimacy is growing with someone. It is almost instant, like a button is pressed. So if I am not experiencing intimacy with anyone it is not there. When that button is pressed I have withdrawn in the past. If my partner then pursued I would feel worse and run even more. |
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Post by joanneg on Oct 9, 2017 21:02:07 GMT
I suffer bad anxiety and often I have to force myself to do something that causes anxiety to "overcome" whatever it is.
I can't believe you feel such a strong feeling like that.
I wonder do all avoidant feel like that on some level or is it slight. I wonder if yours is just very extreme and then paired with the anxiety disorder as well.
Do other avoidant feel "drowning/can't breathe" ?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2017 21:36:00 GMT
I suffer bad anxiety and often I have to force myself to do something that causes anxiety to "overcome" whatever it is. I can't believe you feel such a strong feeling like that. I wonder do all avoidant feel like that on some level or is it slight. I wonder if yours is just very extreme and then paired with the anxiety disorder as well. Do other avoidant feel "drowning/can't breathe" ? My ex described the feeling as just that - suffocating, being taken over. He said it wasn't like that with me - but I suspect that's because I am on the autistic spectrum and very emotionally cool - I have a family, demanding job - a life and no desire to make him into something else. He could do intimacy in small doses but as soon as any expectations reared their head (even the usual ones like keeping in touch every couple of days by text) it sent him into an almost visible panic - cold sweat and then withdrawal. Not easy for either of us. |
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Post by howpredictable on Oct 11, 2017 23:25:44 GMT
Do other avoidant feel "drowning/can't breathe" ? Yes. I don't suffer from anxiety ... except in relationships. And when I get triggered by too much intimacy, I feel like I can't breathe. Like someone is squeezing me around the middle. If I am in the presence of the person triggering me, I have to leave the situation immediately. It doesn't always relief the sense of panic, though. |
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