Asking myself (gently 😛) if this is my Avoidant Tendency

Hello all. The last one year has been a roller coaster for me in terms of self work - learnt about attachment theory, recognised and healed a lot of FA push-pull tendencies, read up on somatic work and learnt to recognise when I'm triggered and do breath and body work to calm my flight/fight state. I do not know if I'm secure because I'm not in a relationship yet and I know that a lot of my latent avoidant tendecies crop up when talking to a potential partner.

I'm posting this because I'm confused about my reaction a little bit. I have been talking to someone I met on a dating platform about 2 weeks ago. I asked him what he wanted and he said "a serious relationship that leads to marriage". I was genuinely happy to have connected with him. I told him I was looking for the same thing. Our conversations, while not "super fun" were intellectual enough for both of us to keep texting each other every day. He was kind, considerate, very present, replied to texts promptly. I never had a phone conversation with him.

About two days ago, he sent me a photo of himself with his folks and he looked way different in that than he did on his dating profile. At the risk of sounding shallow, I'd say he looked very unattractive to me.

I'm not big on men being super fit but I like them to present well. Something about that photo threw me off. I'm not sure if it's seeing him with his parents, or seeing him look a particular way. After this, I seem to have latched on to all the small things which I thought I could overlook - he doesn't eat meat, he hasn't travelled much, he lives in another city, lives with his parents(to be fair, in my country a lot of men do), he probably won't "fit" into my lifestyle. While ignoring the things that are potentially good - he's present, patient, clear about what he wants.

I sent him a text ending it and being as honest as I could - that I'm not comfortable continuing this as we both live in different cities and I'm someone who needs to meet often to get a sense of the person. He was considerate and said he understood.

I think at some level this is my Avoidant side acting up, but I'd like to be a little more gentle and enquiring with myself to understand what is happening - if it was me being genuinely not attracted or if something about him being too present was a turn off. I think if I had met him and gotten a sense of his body language, I might have had a better idea. But this is where I am now.






Hey becoming me...so as I read this...I thought about what my therapist would say to me. She would want me to stop at the photo that he shared with his parents. She would want me to think if there was anything else about that photo that bothered me....did I feel misled? Did I feel lied to? (She would want me to look at the photo and just speak to whatever came up regardless of how trivial or selfish it seemed). Then she would ask if the things that I spoke to had come up before in other relationships....specifically if they came up with my mom or dad or siblings. I do think you are on to something when you say you saw a pattern after the photo where you were looking for all the things that bothered you. I think you did the right thing by recognizing that a core need in you was not being met and you politely ended things. We all have preferences and it is ok to say....” this person truly isn’t a good fit because....” but if you have a visceral reaction that then radically changes how you view someone....that could be a sign that there is more going on at a deeper level.