Post by panda on Nov 15, 2020 10:05:52 GMT
Hi everyone, new member of this morning.
I've posted these paragraphs in the context of another thread this morning on the AP board, as that is my attachment style and I wanted some advice in that context. However, I'd like any advice that those who identify as DA/FA could offer in a different context as well which I will explain at the end.
I've just this week ended an 8 month situation with a DA (he may have some FA traits but not sure). All was fine whilst we could only communicate via facetime, and socially distanced dates (and when I say fine, I mean he was absolutely ALL IN). At the end of March I went away for a few days of work and when I came back everything had changed. The day before I went away, he had been all over me, arms around me..looking forward to me getting back etc and then boom - weird and distant, withdrew sex, said he couldn't do relationships. Nonetheless, at his whim, this changed back and forth a few times throughout our connection. He is extra complex I feel as he is ex military, diagnosed with PTSD, possibly has ADHD (is waiting for a diagnosis) and I have also detected some other traits (extreme anger, not towards me but I have witnessed extreme aggression to at least two strangers and he continually talks about how useless ALL other people are). He is having therapy, whilst at the same time telling me he doesn't NEED therapy, and he has become his therapists part time gardener and builder. He smokes weed, incessantly and daily, and I have known him to buy coke (just to snort on his own, in his house), mushrooms, and DMT. As I would only see him once a week, if that, I don't know the full extent of his drug use of course. He has a phantom ex, who he sentimentalises, and yet has also told me that his feelings for her weren't "real" and that he only wanted her because he couldn't have her (no idea if she was avoidant or just triggered by his behaviour of course). He has spoken to me really badly at times, including in front of my adult children, and was hyper sensitive to perceived criticism (I once didn't like a programme we watched together - was nice about it just said it wasn't my thing - but because he had enthused about it this triggered a huge meltdown where he said I took the piss out of him). I got the silent treatment and a storm off on a country walk one day too for a reason I never did discover. Was like walking with a child. Obviously this is all the BAD stuff, he had a charming side and was funny and bright, as well as attractive to me.
So, after much patience, fantasy thinking, hoping he would change and wanting things to go back to the first few months where he was super keen and super complimentary, I finally told him this week that I can't be in touch with him. The trigger was actually some inappropriate but well intended attention from someone I DON'T want it from, which highlighted for me what a non relationship I've been engaging in and after a glass of two or wine I got the courage to end it. He told me he was sad, but would rather that he be sad than I be in pain, and he also told me that he loved me and that he had opened up to me more than anyone in his life.
So, the advice or comments I am inviting is in respect of how HE might be feeling. It is taking ALL my strength to not reach out to him. I feel like I love/long for him, and I feel like I miss him but I realise that these are misrepresentations of my actual feelings. There isn't a great deal to miss, to be honest, as I barely saw him and was receiving breadcrumbs at the end. And as for love, I know logically that is NOT what this was at all. I know no one can say for certainty, but I am struggling with the idea that I meant NOTHING to this man, he has let me go so easily. Did I really mean nothing to him at all, how does it work for people with this attachment style? Thank you in advance!
I've posted these paragraphs in the context of another thread this morning on the AP board, as that is my attachment style and I wanted some advice in that context. However, I'd like any advice that those who identify as DA/FA could offer in a different context as well which I will explain at the end.
I've just this week ended an 8 month situation with a DA (he may have some FA traits but not sure). All was fine whilst we could only communicate via facetime, and socially distanced dates (and when I say fine, I mean he was absolutely ALL IN). At the end of March I went away for a few days of work and when I came back everything had changed. The day before I went away, he had been all over me, arms around me..looking forward to me getting back etc and then boom - weird and distant, withdrew sex, said he couldn't do relationships. Nonetheless, at his whim, this changed back and forth a few times throughout our connection. He is extra complex I feel as he is ex military, diagnosed with PTSD, possibly has ADHD (is waiting for a diagnosis) and I have also detected some other traits (extreme anger, not towards me but I have witnessed extreme aggression to at least two strangers and he continually talks about how useless ALL other people are). He is having therapy, whilst at the same time telling me he doesn't NEED therapy, and he has become his therapists part time gardener and builder. He smokes weed, incessantly and daily, and I have known him to buy coke (just to snort on his own, in his house), mushrooms, and DMT. As I would only see him once a week, if that, I don't know the full extent of his drug use of course. He has a phantom ex, who he sentimentalises, and yet has also told me that his feelings for her weren't "real" and that he only wanted her because he couldn't have her (no idea if she was avoidant or just triggered by his behaviour of course). He has spoken to me really badly at times, including in front of my adult children, and was hyper sensitive to perceived criticism (I once didn't like a programme we watched together - was nice about it just said it wasn't my thing - but because he had enthused about it this triggered a huge meltdown where he said I took the piss out of him). I got the silent treatment and a storm off on a country walk one day too for a reason I never did discover. Was like walking with a child. Obviously this is all the BAD stuff, he had a charming side and was funny and bright, as well as attractive to me.
So, after much patience, fantasy thinking, hoping he would change and wanting things to go back to the first few months where he was super keen and super complimentary, I finally told him this week that I can't be in touch with him. The trigger was actually some inappropriate but well intended attention from someone I DON'T want it from, which highlighted for me what a non relationship I've been engaging in and after a glass of two or wine I got the courage to end it. He told me he was sad, but would rather that he be sad than I be in pain, and he also told me that he loved me and that he had opened up to me more than anyone in his life.
So, the advice or comments I am inviting is in respect of how HE might be feeling. It is taking ALL my strength to not reach out to him. I feel like I love/long for him, and I feel like I miss him but I realise that these are misrepresentations of my actual feelings. There isn't a great deal to miss, to be honest, as I barely saw him and was receiving breadcrumbs at the end. And as for love, I know logically that is NOT what this was at all. I know no one can say for certainty, but I am struggling with the idea that I meant NOTHING to this man, he has let me go so easily. Did I really mean nothing to him at all, how does it work for people with this attachment style? Thank you in advance!
