Post by sarah on Nov 18, 2020 8:42:04 GMT
I hope people here with knowledge of attachment can help me with my situation and some understanding.
My partner is an avoidant (I think DA but maybe FA as he becomes very desperate if I try and leave the relationship). I have known this for some time but he has only recently acknowledged and sought help.
I have read the forums here, and he has never been as "severe" in his behaviors as some of the situations described, but the main issues for us have been:
1) he always avoided verbalising "I love you", he used other phrases instead.
2) he formed time-consuming habits outside the relationship (lots of hobbies) and worked too many hours
3) he was secretive - he often didn't mention quite important things, he was evasive, he would get extremely nervous about the hallmarks of sharing (eg: meeting family) and he preferred to keep his inner life (me) completely private.
He has never shown any of the other "classic" avoidant signs, so the relationship has always been consistent, loving, affectionate but with me always feeling he was not wholeheartedly loving me and an element was at arms length.
I realised this about 6 months into the relationship. I am extremely secure. I ended it a few times in the first year because I felt like he was holding something back and the secretiveness, in particular, was irritating but overwhemlingly the relationship was great and he was slowly improving / opening up so I stuck with it.
Then, 18 months into our relationship when we began planning a future together (moving in etc), he announced he had been offered a promotion 4000 miles away for a two year posting overseas. He said it was incredible money, great for our future and we could visit regularly and he convinced me to stay with him while he took the job.
I was nervous, and bought him the book on attachment / sent him the website because I thought he was "running away" from commitment, but he assured me it was only about our future and we would be fine.
He went, and things were great for a long time, but not long before he was due to come home for his first visit, the pandemic hit and to cut a long story short we have been separated by that and have now not seen each other for 14 months. It is extremely difficult to see each other, as to get home the route involves going through numerous locations under quarantine.
I found out last week, that he had a brief affair with someone there. I won't go into too much detail, but it's someone from work he was spending a lot of time with in an isolated situation and while drunk they slept together a few times. She is an anxious attacher, and has been pursuing him heavily went a bit crazy when he said reiterated that it was just a drunken mistake, he was in love with someone back home and did not want a relationship with her.
She googled me and has been harassing me in her anger, and I have had to block her. He has had to call in the police because she was trying to break into his house. It's obvious she has some mental health issues.
I was devastated by the news and ended the relationship. I believe that he took the job because he is avoidant and because he was running away, and I believe he compartmentalised me / wasn't fully committed in his heart and all this led to these circumstances that should never have happened.
His reaction has been desperate.
This man who was always very cold, can't stop crying. He always had a limited range of emotion, but his pain at causing me pain has been monumental. He finally read the books on attachment and says he realises he is avoidant and I was right. He is crying that he wishes he never got on the plane.
He has ceased all contact with the woman. He has entered into counselling to "fix himself" (I am amazed by this because he was terrified of counselling). He says he will do anything to repair the relationship. He has also now resigned the job so he can come home immediately. He says he now realises "how much he loves me" and after nearly three years of NEVER saying "I love you", he now says it every ten minutes.
He says that reading the book he realises I am the only "secure" he has been in a relationship with before and that all previous relationships were the anxious /avoidant trap that scared him off committing because he always found relationships awful, but he realises ours was nothing like that.
I see that what he is saying to me is honest. I think we love each other deeply. I am glad this pain has been a catalyst for him to address his issues and get help.
But I CANNOT move past the infidelity. I am so angry and hurt and betrayed.
I wonder how much of this is him just being selfish and dishonest; and how much is related to being avoidant. It is strange to me, even when separated for so long, that he was able to compartmentalise me /us to this level and I can't process it at all.
He says he will do anything to take away my pain, whatever is necessary, and he will work on himself no matter how difficult. He says he will take my anger and sadness for as long as I want to give it, and that he clings to the hope that he can have me back because he knows he can never be happy without me. But he says if I decide to walk away forever that it is no more than he deserves.
I am not sure what to do.
Can anyone offer insight for me?
My partner is an avoidant (I think DA but maybe FA as he becomes very desperate if I try and leave the relationship). I have known this for some time but he has only recently acknowledged and sought help.
I have read the forums here, and he has never been as "severe" in his behaviors as some of the situations described, but the main issues for us have been:
1) he always avoided verbalising "I love you", he used other phrases instead.
2) he formed time-consuming habits outside the relationship (lots of hobbies) and worked too many hours
3) he was secretive - he often didn't mention quite important things, he was evasive, he would get extremely nervous about the hallmarks of sharing (eg: meeting family) and he preferred to keep his inner life (me) completely private.
He has never shown any of the other "classic" avoidant signs, so the relationship has always been consistent, loving, affectionate but with me always feeling he was not wholeheartedly loving me and an element was at arms length.
I realised this about 6 months into the relationship. I am extremely secure. I ended it a few times in the first year because I felt like he was holding something back and the secretiveness, in particular, was irritating but overwhemlingly the relationship was great and he was slowly improving / opening up so I stuck with it.
Then, 18 months into our relationship when we began planning a future together (moving in etc), he announced he had been offered a promotion 4000 miles away for a two year posting overseas. He said it was incredible money, great for our future and we could visit regularly and he convinced me to stay with him while he took the job.
I was nervous, and bought him the book on attachment / sent him the website because I thought he was "running away" from commitment, but he assured me it was only about our future and we would be fine.
He went, and things were great for a long time, but not long before he was due to come home for his first visit, the pandemic hit and to cut a long story short we have been separated by that and have now not seen each other for 14 months. It is extremely difficult to see each other, as to get home the route involves going through numerous locations under quarantine.
I found out last week, that he had a brief affair with someone there. I won't go into too much detail, but it's someone from work he was spending a lot of time with in an isolated situation and while drunk they slept together a few times. She is an anxious attacher, and has been pursuing him heavily went a bit crazy when he said reiterated that it was just a drunken mistake, he was in love with someone back home and did not want a relationship with her.
She googled me and has been harassing me in her anger, and I have had to block her. He has had to call in the police because she was trying to break into his house. It's obvious she has some mental health issues.
I was devastated by the news and ended the relationship. I believe that he took the job because he is avoidant and because he was running away, and I believe he compartmentalised me / wasn't fully committed in his heart and all this led to these circumstances that should never have happened.
His reaction has been desperate.
This man who was always very cold, can't stop crying. He always had a limited range of emotion, but his pain at causing me pain has been monumental. He finally read the books on attachment and says he realises he is avoidant and I was right. He is crying that he wishes he never got on the plane.
He has ceased all contact with the woman. He has entered into counselling to "fix himself" (I am amazed by this because he was terrified of counselling). He says he will do anything to repair the relationship. He has also now resigned the job so he can come home immediately. He says he now realises "how much he loves me" and after nearly three years of NEVER saying "I love you", he now says it every ten minutes.
He says that reading the book he realises I am the only "secure" he has been in a relationship with before and that all previous relationships were the anxious /avoidant trap that scared him off committing because he always found relationships awful, but he realises ours was nothing like that.
I see that what he is saying to me is honest. I think we love each other deeply. I am glad this pain has been a catalyst for him to address his issues and get help.
But I CANNOT move past the infidelity. I am so angry and hurt and betrayed.
I wonder how much of this is him just being selfish and dishonest; and how much is related to being avoidant. It is strange to me, even when separated for so long, that he was able to compartmentalise me /us to this level and I can't process it at all.
He says he will do anything to take away my pain, whatever is necessary, and he will work on himself no matter how difficult. He says he will take my anger and sadness for as long as I want to give it, and that he clings to the hope that he can have me back because he knows he can never be happy without me. But he says if I decide to walk away forever that it is no more than he deserves.
I am not sure what to do.
Can anyone offer insight for me?
