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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2017 4:24:15 GMT
I've noticed that when my DA on-again-off-again ex-wife that I gotta see multiple times a week to trade off children duties, when she starts to notice that I'm checking out (like now) she starts to get sick. I am never sure how much of it is real sickness or feigned; I do know that at least some of it is real. She really does tend to get sicker when I check out. I think she may subtly embellish it a bit, though, I don't know.
Now, being a DA, it's never a thing where she wants sympathy or wants me to do something for her--oh heck no, that would be too close to showing a tiny nano-particle of vulnerability. And she will NEVER do that.
No, what it really is all about, I am now finally just starting to realize, is just to make me feel like sh#t.
But I really am at the point where I no longer care.
So what comes next? She gonna die on me now? How far is her mental disorder gonna plunge her health downward?
Gosh, I wonder.
I sure ain't gonna kill myself helping her out, though. I've already done that so many times, and for zero thanks.
I'm still betting she outlives me.
She has family to support her through this nightmare, I do not. I've gutted this out by myself, largely. Portrait of invulnerability or not, she couldn't have made it through all this by herself like I have. All my family is a helluva long way away.
So yeah, now she's sick again, coincidentally timed for when I have checked out again. Another one of those "general malaise" sicknesses, but she does have some real stuff going on in addition to the fake stuff, I think.
Gosh I hate this so much.
If she ever could be vulnerable in front of me, I'd love her and protect her and slay dragons for her.
But she will never be vulnerable in front of me.
She has always been too checked out.
And so now I'm checked out.
This is how it got with my mother: you can abuse a man so much he just becomes numb to you. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that you've burned up all his emotional nerve endings so that he is numb towards you.
They say, when you get burned alive, you only feel it for the first few seconds, till the nerve endings are burned up. That's what I've heard, anyway. I wonder how anyone ever figured that out.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2017 4:55:47 GMT
Indeed, I think if my ex would ever be vulnerable with me, even for five authentic seconds before she turned back into a DA pumpkin, then she would be the master over my heart. I'd be in a lot of trouble and she could seriously play with my emotions after that, if she wanted to be mean. But then, DAs aren't mean like that. They are mean in the stingy sense of mean, not in the cruel sense of mean.
At any rate, I guess it's a good thing she ALWAYS conflates "being vulnerable" with talking a great deal about emotional vagueness and then wanting to argue over what vagaries she just said. Ha. Soooooo unlike a real show of vulnerability. Real vulnerability lays it all out there and just, momentarily at least, completely surrenders to the other person. No arguing. Just surrender. And then, ironically, the other person's emotions are conquered by the surrenderer. At least it's what happens when the two have already invested in a long term relationship.
It will never happen. I may someday be so conquered by a female who knows how to do this still (though in the entire Western Civilization there may be only two or three such female unicorns left), but I know it won't ever happen with this DA or any other DA. As horrid as this situation is, that fact that I now know so acutely--that she can never ever be vulnerable with me--is itself a firewall I can stand behind to keep from being hurt by her anymore. Her involuntary firewall becomes my own sanctuary firewall when I go pick up the children or gotta deal with her for what all else in the coming years.
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Post by osemka8 on Oct 9, 2017 8:44:41 GMT
Hey trinn, are you planning to dettach? I would advise you so. It will be harder since you are and will still be involved with her, but it's possible. Come to terms that it is the best thing you can do in your situation. You are a man, have your self-esteem back which can attract a lot of other things, not only women. But you have to let her go. I don't think anything can be done in your marriage, since things came to the point they are now and you will never have what you desire. Even if you both decide to "work on it". As I mentioned, be a role model to your kids. You don't have to be mean to her even if she is bullying you. Forgive and forget, be patient. It is what it is now, you won't make anything right if you are angry. This is also the best defence against other people and will drive them crazy, knowing you are stronger then them. But you gotta be confident. This is crucial. If you are indeed prepared on working on yourself, I have one not well known but extremelly effective solution to conquer your traumas and fears. It's called neurolinguistical programming and the method itself "Reconsolidation". If you are interested, I can guide you through the 5min/day process, but it's nicely explained in this video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_xrTtjpCpE&t=289sI came across it on a seminar, tried it and it really does work if done right. I did it 5mins each day for 5 days and I succesfully lowered my anxiety levels and completely dettached. It can be used for a lot of things. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2017 13:48:28 GMT
Hey trinn, are you planning to dettach? I would advise you so. It will be harder since you are and will still be involved with her, but it's possible. Come to terms that it is the best thing you can do in your situation. You are a man, have your self-esteem back which can attract a lot of other things, not only women. But you have to let her go. I don't think anything can be done in your marriage, since things came to the point they are now and you will never have what you desire. Even if you both decide to "work on it". As I mentioned, be a role model to your kids. You don't have to be mean to her even if she is bullying you. Forgive and forget, be patient. It is what it is now, you won't make anything right if you are angry. This is also the best defence against other people and will drive them crazy, knowing you are stronger then them. But you gotta be confident. This is crucial. If you are indeed prepared on working on yourself, I have one not well known but extremelly effective solution to conquer your traumas and fears. It's called neurolinguistical programming and the method itself "Reconsolidation". If you are interested, I can guide you through the 5min/day process, but it's nicely explained in this video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_xrTtjpCpE&t=289sI came across it on a seminar, tried it and it really does work if done right. I did it 5mins each day for 5 days and I succesfully lowered my anxiety levels and completely dettached. It can be used for a lot of things. Thank you, osemka. I will check it out. |
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Post by serene13 on Oct 9, 2017 15:39:57 GMT
osemka8 you've got me interested! I watched the Bandler video and it was great but seemed geared toward handling stress *which is always good. Are there any more specific videos you use in your 5 minutes a day or is that the one you use? Thanks for the help!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2017 20:50:39 GMT
trinn, You do understand that your wife isn't well, which is why she is adopting maladaptive behavior to get what she wants, perhaps care and attention.
This is exactly the tactic that my NPD ex used, whenever I was finished he would get really sick and I was supposed to feel sorry/guilty even though he did something wrong to me.
He didn't know how to do anything else to "reconcile", he couldn't admit to mistakes, couldn't say sorry, couldn't say "I love you, please stay with me."
I stay away as much as I can, I asked after his health and wished him a quick recovery, etc.
There are only upsides to staying classy and sympathetic - one of us need to be the adult in the marriage.
Good luck.
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Post by osemka8 on Oct 10, 2017 13:35:26 GMT
serene13 : I guess there are many resources on what that is and I'll just share the technique since I'm a bit short on time. There are 4 steps and you have to follow them each by each, repeating the process until you hit the 5-10min mark a day. This can be applied for everything. I will show you an example for improving confidence. Step 1: imagine yourself on a stage (or any other situation where you would like to develop confidence) and how you are nervously shaking and try to experience emotional side as much as you can when thinking about it. First time doing this try to make the big image as clear as possible because later this process of imagining the same picture should be done as quick as possible (2-3s). Step 2: after completing the first step, shrink the image you are seeing to a size of a quarter and make it blink (preferrably in black and white). This process lasts for another 3s. Step 3: after both of above steps, remove the image you are experiencing (you can swipe it away with your hand) and bring up a new big picture, where you are confident in front of an audience. Try experiencing what you would have: joy, fun, charisma etc. The things you want and desire, you know. That should last about 15s every time. Step 4: remove the image from step 3 from your face and erase your mind. Look around you and start thinking a totally different thing (like what is that person doing or what you are having for a next meal). This should last from 15 to 20s. Repeat everything. I myself have done this with my ex like this: Step 1: relived the most traumatic moment where she told me some crazy things, with all the emotions then and there. Step 2: shrink, blink Step 3: I shrinked her down to a size of a baby and I told her she was not emotionally mature enough, then I walked away smiling and happy and tried to actually be as close to it as possible. Step 4: I started singing to take my mind off of it.
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