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Post by mixedsyles on Nov 22, 2020 10:50:51 GMT
I have traits of both styles so I don’t know where to start. I joined the Personal development School and I started with the FA’s curses but I’m not sure if I should take the DA instead.
For me the ideal relationship is a harmonic relationship and I’m capable of having this kind of interactions with secures guys.
I had a “situationship” with someone for 2,5 years. I thought he was DA because he was always pushing me away when we were the most happy together. I pushed him away when I was hurt. I felt like a had no choice, I had to pull back to protect myself. Sometimes he was the one making the first move to reconnect, sometimes it was me. I got tired of his lack of consistency and started casually seeing other guys but I didn’t want to stop seeing the DA, I had feelings for him and I enjoyed his company. I though that by dating others I would stop annoying him. I would be able to enjoy our connection without pushing for more while getting what he couldn’t give me with others guys. I honestly thought he wouldn’t care, because he said he wasn’t in love with me and that we were just fwb. But it seems like he did care and was hurt because he started treating me very differently, kind of harsh and cold. I tried to have an honest conversation but he blocked me everywhere and we have been no contact for 4 months and this time I don’t think he will come back.
With this other guy I have been casually seeing since February things are much more calm. There is no push and pull, he is consistent and I enjoy. He is not smothering me, neither is he pushing me away... but I really have to fight my instinct to deactivate. I don’t want a committed relationship and I feel like he is starting to fall in love with me. If this happens he will dump me because I won’t commit to anything long therm. I’m really afraid of breaking his heart, he is wonderful and I feel like running away because I don’t want him to waste his time on me. I find myself trying to figure out an way to make him enjoy my company without falling in love because, it’s better for him if he falls in love with someone else. I’m getting attached to him too but I prefer getting my heart broken than broking someone’s else heart.
I keep having this fantasy that the DA guy is coming back, being consistency like this new guy is being and we having this “wonderful no committed relationship” for the rest of our lives.
Do I sound more FA or DA?
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Post by serenity on Nov 22, 2020 18:26:21 GMT
Hi mixedsyles,
I really like Thais Gibson's videos too; I really love how a lot of her work puts the focus back on yourself, and learning to identify subconscious drives and unmet needs. She offers such a positive and empowering approach to healing.
Just my own opinion, I believe you'll get more from Thai's course by starting with the FA courses. FA's can swing both avoidant and anxious in relationships, and FA attachment can also be a result of abusive adult relationships and/or intermittent reinforcement/trauma bonding. This seems like a fit for what you've described.
Something I learned during healing from my ex was about trauma bonds and the effects of intermittent reinforcement. You are likely still "addicted" to the dynamic with your ex, and it will take more time to stop craving the "highs". This is because your brain chemistry has changed, and needs time to stabilise. Your new guy sounds stable, so this will seem unattracve to "addicted you". But he may be a much better fit in th long run.
Do you feel you could block your ex for now, so you are not expecting contact from him any more?
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Post by mixedsyles on Nov 22, 2020 19:03:03 GMT
Hi mixedsyles, I really like Thais Gibson's videos too; I really love how a lot of her work puts the focus back on yourself, and learning to identify subconscious drives and unmet needs. She offers such a positive and empowering approach to healing. Just my own opinion, I believe you'll get more from Thai's course by starting with the FA courses. FA's can swing both avoidant and anxious in relationships, and FA attachment can also be a result of abusive adult relationships and/or intermittent reinforcement/trauma bonding. This seems like a fit for what you've described. Something I learned during healing from my ex was about trauma bonds and the effects of intermittent reinforcement. You are likely still "addicted" to the dynamic with your ex, and it will take more time to stop craving the "highs". This is because your brain chemistry has changed, and needs time to stabilise. Your new guy sounds stable, so this will seem unattracve to "addicted you". But he may be a much better fit in th long run. Do you feel you could block your ex for now, so you are not expecting contact from him any more? Thank you for answering! I really like the connection with the new guy! I love “boring” interactions. The problem is that I believe he is starting to falling in love with me and I know if this happens he will break things off with me as I’m not interested in a traditional long therm relationship, I want a more casual relationship. I don’t miss the push and pull while interacting with the DA. I hated the inconsistency but it felt safe that he wanted a casual relationship with me while he was looking for ”the one” that he will probably never find because it’s just a fantasy. We were both afraid of commitment so it was nice to have his company, enjoying the journey and not worrying about the destination. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 24, 2020 10:17:21 GMT
Hi mixedsyles, I really like Thais Gibson's videos too; I really love how a lot of her work puts the focus back on yourself, and learning to identify subconscious drives and unmet needs. She offers such a positive and empowering approach to healing. Just my own opinion, I believe you'll get more from Thai's course by starting with the FA courses. FA's can swing both avoidant and anxious in relationships, and FA attachment can also be a result of abusive adult relationships and/or intermittent reinforcement/trauma bonding. This seems like a fit for what you've described. Something I learned during healing from my ex was about trauma bonds and the effects of intermittent reinforcement. You are likely still "addicted" to the dynamic with your ex, and it will take more time to stop craving the "highs". This is because your brain chemistry has changed, and needs time to stabilise. Your new guy sounds stable, so this will seem unattracve to "addicted you". But he may be a much better fit in th long run. Do you feel you could block your ex for now, so you are not expecting contact from him any more? Thank you for answering! I really like the connection with the new guy! I love “boring” interactions. The problem is that I believe he is starting to falling in love with me and I know if this happens he will break things off with me as I’m not interested in a traditional long therm relationship, I want a more casual relationship. I don’t miss the push and pull while interacting with the DA. I hated the inconsistency but it felt safe that he wanted a casual relationship with me while he was looking for ”the one” that he will probably never find because it’s just a fantasy. We were both afraid of commitment so it was nice to have his company, enjoying the journey and not worrying about the destination. So the way to address this is to have an honest conversation with this new guy instead of creating a scenario in your head of what he wants. I had the same conversation with my brother when he was thinking about ending things with a woman he felt wanted something more committed then he did. He, like you, just wanted something casual. What I suggested was to have a casual conversation over drinks or dinner where he would lay out what he was looking for and ask her if she was looking for the same...and if not, no big deal....but it would give her a chance to decide whether she wanted the same thing or not. If you haven’t already explained what you want with him....now is the time to do that. If you already had that conversation and feel that he is veering into something more serious, then I think it is best to have a “refresher” talk where you state what you are looking for again. It is never a good idea to work off of mind reading another person...especially when you have a fear of commitment that could be giving you false cues. Since you asked, I think you are an avoidant leaning FA....just like my brother. |
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Post by mixedsyles on Nov 24, 2020 15:18:51 GMT
Thank you for answering! I really like the connection with the new guy! I love “boring” interactions. The problem is that I believe he is starting to falling in love with me and I know if this happens he will break things off with me as I’m not interested in a traditional long therm relationship, I want a more casual relationship. I don’t miss the push and pull while interacting with the DA. I hated the inconsistency but it felt safe that he wanted a casual relationship with me while he was looking for ”the one” that he will probably never find because it’s just a fantasy. We were both afraid of commitment so it was nice to have his company, enjoying the journey and not worrying about the destination. So the way to address this is to have an honest conversation with this new guy instead of creating a scenario in your head of what he wants. I had the same conversation with my brother when he was thinking about ending things with a woman he felt wanted something more committed then he did. He, like you, just wanted something casual. What I suggested was to have a casual conversation over drinks or dinner where he would lay out what he was looking for and ask her if she was looking for the same...and if not, no big deal....but it would give her a chance to decide whether she wanted the same thing or not. If you haven’t already explained what you want with him....now is the time to do that. If you already had that conversation and feel that he is veering into something more serious, then I think it is best to have a “refresher” talk where you state what you are looking for again. It is never a good idea to work off of mind reading another person...especially when you have a fear of commitment that could be giving you false cues. Since you asked, I think you are an avoidant leaning FA....just like my brother. Thank you for your input! When started chatting back in January, I was honest and I said I wasn’t looking for a long therm relationship. Back them he said casual worked for him as well because it wasn’t that long since him and his long therm ex broke up but that he wants to be in relationship again when it feels right. Months has passes, we go along incredible well and maybe it’s time to a refresher talk because he has been more sweet and vulnerable than ever. He said he liked me and he has this warm feeling when he is with me. I believe he is sincere because he never game me any mixed signals. He asked why I don’t want to have a relationship again and I explained my fears about committing and that I have an avoidant attachment style. I said that I take commitment really serious and it seems like other people just don’t. He said that commitment isn’t something that people should stress to get because it comes when/ if it feels right. He never said he wanted a relationship with me but he said he could have one with me. I’m afraid of commitment because I take it too seriously. If I commit to someone I don’t wanna feel like I wasted my time on someone who doesn’t deserve me and my commitment. I know there are awesome guys out there but unfortunately they don’t come with a sign in their face written “I’m the one for you” and I don’t feel like trying either. My ex DA was also afraid of committing. He said he had a hard time letting people in and trusting others but he said he was looking for a relationship and hoped to find the one. He would constantly push me away when we got too close. I don’t push people away, no one ever complained about that... I kind of want someone around just not too close. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 24, 2020 15:32:09 GMT
So the way to address this is to have an honest conversation with this new guy instead of creating a scenario in your head of what he wants. I had the same conversation with my brother when he was thinking about ending things with a woman he felt wanted something more committed then he did. He, like you, just wanted something casual. What I suggested was to have a casual conversation over drinks or dinner where he would lay out what he was looking for and ask her if she was looking for the same...and if not, no big deal....but it would give her a chance to decide whether she wanted the same thing or not. If you haven’t already explained what you want with him....now is the time to do that. If you already had that conversation and feel that he is veering into something more serious, then I think it is best to have a “refresher” talk where you state what you are looking for again. It is never a good idea to work off of mind reading another person...especially when you have a fear of commitment that could be giving you false cues. Since you asked, I think you are an avoidant leaning FA....just like my brother. Thank you for your input! When started chatting back in January, I was honest and I said I wasn’t looking for a long therm relationship. Back them he said casual worked for him as well because it wasn’t that long since him and his long therm ex broke up but that he wants to be in relationship again when it feels right. Months has passes, we go along incredible well and maybe it’s time to a refresher talk because he has been more sweet and vulnerable than ever. He said he liked me and he has this warm feeling when he is with me. I believe he is sincere because he never game me any mixed signals. He asked why I don’t want to have a relationship again and I explained my fears about committing and that I have an avoidant attachment style. I said that I take commitment really serious and it seems like other people just don’t. He said that commitment isn’t something that people should stress to get because it comes when/ if it feels right. He never said he wanted a relationship with me but he said he could have one with me. I’m afraid of commitment because I take it too seriously. If I commit to someone I don’t wanna feel like I wasted my time on someone who doesn’t deserve me and my commitment. I know there are awesome guys out there but unfortunately they don’t come with a sign in their face written “I’m the one for you” and I don’t feel like trying either. My ex DA was also afraid of committing. He said he had a hard time letting people in and trusting others but he said he was looking for a relationship and hoped to find the one. He would constantly push me away when we got too close. I don’t push people away, no one ever complained about that... I kind of want someone around just not too close. It is great that you have such a good understanding of yourself and your needs.....it does sound like another avoidant leaning FA or a DA would suit you or dare I say....a secure who also isn’t looking for something committed at the time. What won’t work well for you is an AP or an AP leaning FA (which is me by the way). Because APs long for commitment and fear abandonment which will just trigger your fear of engulfment. Have you ever explored why you have a fear of commitment? I know it feels incredibly safe to stay casual....but, is there something from your past that drives that feeling? I know that for my brother....my mom put a lot of responsibility (emotionally) on him...so he had to grow up much faster and did not really get to enjoy his childhood. She also made him feel overly responsible to women in general and that has resulted in his fear of commitment as he tends to feel overly responsible for his partner. |
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Post by mixedsyles on Nov 24, 2020 19:08:02 GMT
tnr9 It always works well with secures until they get ready and want a commitment, than they dump me because I can’t give them that. I haven’t dated an AP but I guess it would be hard for me if they can’t respect my need for alone time. I would also feel guilty if I dated an AP because they would probably stay with me, even knowing they should leave me. Me being nice and having feelings for them doesn’t mean I want to commit to anything long therm but they would stay in hope that I would change my mind and I probably won’t! I don’t want to feel guilty. I have dated one FA, too much drama, I dumped him because of his volatility. And than I dated this DA. He would push me away out of blue, when things were going just fine, come back like nothing. I would take him back but got tired of cycle so I started to pushing him away too. When both are pulling away there’s no one really trying to keep the connection going. I don’t know for sure why I’m afraid of committing. I got married because I come from a very traditional, conservative and religious family. Honestly I wouldn’t have a problem being single and enjoying life. I was happy while married. It was actually the best years I have had so far... but at some point my ex husband was unfaithful and his infidelity kind of destroyed all positive things I experienced while committed to him. It was nice to share my day to day life with someone but when things went bad I lost too much. Commitment can be good but it’s not worthy the risk if I can get some kind of connection without having to give too much of me. My marriage was supposed to least until one of us died, or so we promised each other... I can’t see myself doing that again.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 25, 2020 16:28:01 GMT
tnr9 It always works well with secures until they get ready and want a commitment, than they dump me because I can’t give them that. I haven’t dated an AP but I guess it would be hard for me if they can’t respect my need for alone time. I would also feel guilty if I dated an AP because they would probably stay with me, even knowing they should leave me. Me being nice and having feelings for them doesn’t mean I want to commit to anything long therm but they would stay in hope that I would change my mind and I probably won’t! I don’t want to feel guilty. I have dated one FA, too much drama, I dumped him because of his volatility. And than I dated this DA. He would push me away out of blue, when things were going just fine, come back like nothing. I would take him back but got tired of cycle so I started to pushing him away too. When both are pulling away there’s no one really trying to keep the connection going. I don’t know for sure why I’m afraid of committing. I got married because I come from a very traditional, conservative and religious family. Honestly I wouldn’t have a problem being single and enjoying life. I was happy while married. It was actually the best years I have had so far... but at some point my ex husband was unfaithful and his infidelity kind of destroyed all positive things I experienced while committed to him. It was nice to share my day to day life with someone but when things went bad I lost too much. Commitment can be good but it’s not worthy the risk if I can get some kind of connection without having to give too much of me. My marriage was supposed to least until one of us died, or so we promised each other... I can’t see myself doing that again. So.....an affair can certain shatter one’s trust in commitment. So....I am thinking about what my therapist would say to me if I were in your shoes. She would want me to write down all the positives and negatives of commitment and if I have a really visceral reaction (tightness, clenching) in my body...she would want me to write that down....not to judge it, but just to notice it. Then, at a later time....she would want me to revisit the ones I had those strong reactions to and see whether they tie to anything in my past and write that down. The goal isn’t necessarily to change your preference of relationship, but to work through your issues with commitment. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 25, 2020 20:09:45 GMT
The goal isn’t necessarily to change your preference of relationship, but to work through your issues with commitment. I agree with this. You're writing about some pretty traumatic stuff in your marriage, and whether or not it impacts your preferences, it's good to work out and heal underlying trauma like this. Letting it fester can adversely affect your physical health, even if you're not consciously feeling the stress in the distrust you're still carrying. |
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Post by mixedsyles on Nov 27, 2020 17:17:12 GMT
The goal isn’t necessarily to change your preference of relationship, but to work through your issues with commitment. I agree with this. You're writing about some pretty traumatic stuff in your marriage, and whether or not it impacts your preferences, it's good to work out and heal underlying trauma like this. Letting it fester can adversely affect your physical health, even if you're not consciously feeling the stress in the distrust you're still carrying. It have been years since the infidelity trauma. Maybe I had some kind of high functioning depression right after the break up and from time to time I feel like I’m just watching my life pass and not living it but it’s not all the time. I still haven’t experienced any healthy issues. I believe my mental health is ok as well. I don’t need to take any medication as I don’t struggle to do well at work or anything like that. I joined the PDS because I’m really curious to understand why I’m the way I’m and I want to be the best version of myself even in less traditional relationships. So I guess the infidelity did impact my preferences, my well being not that much (yet). |
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