What is wrong with me? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

simpler
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What is wrong with me? Nov 28, 2020 1:06:46 GMT via mobile

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Post by simpler on Nov 28, 2020 1:06:46 GMT

I am in a bad place right now, have no one to turn to, so I have come to this forum to find some answers.

I had a turbulent childhood. I come from a highly dysfunctional family (parents had substance abuse issues, father left when I was 15, mother dated some really bad guys)

Fast forward some years. After a few bad breakups I had almost given up hope when I met my current boyfriend.
We hit it off really well. We moved in together, and it's fair to say we have been in a committed long term relationship since.

Fast forward some more years, precisely to last year. I found out a few things about him which have completely destroyed my trust and turned me into an FA.

This is what I learned (by chance):
A. He had become addicted to porn.
B. He had secretly revived touch with a long lost ex and was talking to her on a regular basis.
C. He was often telling me that he was working late when actually he was socialising with colleagues after work.

It all came as a shock to me. How could I have been such an idiot to not see any of this?!

We had a massive argument about these things, and these are the answers he gave me.

A. "Porn is a bad habit but I got addicted only because our sex life was boring. However, if you are ready to spice it up I will work on giving it up"
B. "I am ONLY FRIENDS with my ex, I have no feelings for her whatsoever. I did not tell you because I knew you will raise hell about it"
C. "I didn't tell you I was socialising with people because either you would have wanted to join me or would have asked me not to meet people outside without you"

I see my own part in my story.

I accept that I am not very good in bedroom. I am not as good looking/sexy as I was when we first met, whereas he looks more or less the same.
I agree that I insist on doing things together all the time so he must have felt enmeshed/engulfed by me and wanted to make his own social circle.
His ex is a troubled person so maybe he is being charitable when he talks to her and there is nothing more.

I am thankful that he is with me and like I said, I see my role in my story. I see my mistakes but... I feel heartbroken

Something deep down has changed inside me. I feel restless and worried all the time. I don't know how to fully process this.

Last Edit: Nov 28, 2020 1:10:16 GMT by simpler

anne12
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What is wrong with me? Nov 28, 2020 1:44:05 GMT

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Post by anne12 on Nov 28, 2020 1:44:05 GMT

Hey. There's proberly nothing "wrong" with you.
You are in shock.
What he did can be perceived as infedility. Trust has been broken. (A lot of women find it difficult when their husbands are watching porn).
It can give a shok in your nerveussystem. Something old from the past can also get swirled up so that you can get stuck in a trauma whirlwind.
The way you describe your childhood indicates to me that you also got some desorganied attatchmestyle in your makeup. Then lies and when things are not clear, can feel even worse.
Check out if you got some overdog/underdog dynamic going on in your relationship, which is not healthy.
We all got different boundaries. He was hiding something from you. He could have communicated with you but he didn't.
You have every right to be angry right now. Your feelings matter.
You can try to regulate your nerveussystem if you know how to do this. And then journal. To get all your thoughts down on paper. Go for a long walk. Curl up in bed a rock yourself like you were a baby.. Do the woo sound. Push your hands against a wall. My guess is that you are angry, hurt ect. ?
Your feelings are very understandable.
Give yourself a hug, take a warm bath, be kind to yourself.
Do you have a "helpline" in your country with free councelors you can call and talk to ?
Can you contact a SE practicioner, who can help you to settle your nerveussystem ?
And what about couples counseling ?

Lies are not good in a relationship. You can read some of my posts:

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/33547/

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/34656/

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/34678/

www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-tell-partner-you-lied_l_5e0f76d6e4b0b2520d20d9bd

Last Edit: Nov 28, 2020 7:48:04 GMT by anne12

simpler
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What is wrong with me? Nov 28, 2020 2:38:07 GMT via mobile

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Post by simpler on Nov 28, 2020 2:38:07 GMT

Nov 28, 2020 1:44:05 GMT anne12 said:

Hey. There's proberly nothing "wrong" with you.
You are in shock.
What he did can be perceived as infedility. Trust has been broken. It can give a shok in your nerveussystem. Something old from the past can also get swirled up.
The way you describe your childhood indicates to me that you also got some desorganied attatchmestyle in your makeup. Then lies and when things are not clear, can feel even worse.
We all got different boundaries. He was hiding something from you. He could have communicated with you but he doesn't.
You have every right to be angry right now. Your feelings matter.
You can try to regulate your nerveussystem if you know how to do this. And then journal. To get all your thoughts down on paper. Go for a long walk. Curl up in bed a rock yourself like i f Myou were a baby.. My guess is that you are angry, hurt ect. ?
Your feelings are very understandable.
Give yourself a hug, take a warm bath, be kind to yourself.
Do you have a "helpline" in your country with free councelors you can call and talk to ?
Can you contact a SE practicioner, who can help you to settle your nerveussystem ?
And what about couples counseling ?

anne12 it has been over a year since all this came out. At first I felt angry, I couldn't see the situation properly.
I argued with him, asked him to work on himself and our situation, but that was no use. He was getting extremely angry, blaming me, calling me names and wasn't ready to accept any responsibility for his actions. The more we argued the more complicated it became.
I felt helpless. I wanted to leave, but I didn't have the courage.
Overall I don't think I want to end this but I don't know how to process it and move on.
Right from the start his attitude is to hold me responsible for everything and close the chapter there. He says he doesnt look at porn anymore, he still talks to the ex sometimes. Then covid came and the world turned upside down so there hasn't been much socialising.
I don't think counselling is an option. As far as he is concerned everything is back to normal, we have moved on.

Outwardly I have moved on too because I dont want to fight anymore but internally sometimes I feel pain, and other times I feel numb. I often cry and cant sleep properly.

I want to journal. I did try but every time I sit down to write I start feeling restless and can't concentrate and get chest pains.

I have to accept the fact that my relationship is not as good as I thought it to be, but it's better than what many people have.
If I can make sense of this and accept this truth, I think I will be able to move on.

I will try to journal once again.

anne12
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What is wrong with me? Nov 28, 2020 9:19:28 GMT

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Post by anne12 on Nov 28, 2020 9:19:28 GMT

Have you told him how you are feeling ? About the pain in your chest ect. ?
Does he know how you feel about the way your body has changed - while he still looks the same ?(I don't think that Pierce Brossman would act like this, even if his wife's body has changed over the years) Do you love your own body ? Does your boyfriend ? Does he even care ?

Do you feel safe beeing voulnarble with this man ?
He says that its all your fault 😤

When I read this, something feels off to me:
If you are ready to spice up the sexlife ? What does he mean by this ? Why are you "being boring" in bed ?
What kind of touch are we talking about ? - "secretly revived touch with an ex" ?

Where is his own responsibility ?
Are you able to have a healthy conversation ? (Not screaming and fighting)
If you communicate from your heart while you are decribing your body sensations, people can't judge you.
Maybe none of you have learned to commicate in a healthy way ?

Your chestpain is telling you something...!!!!
Do you know how to regulate your nerveussystem ?
Check out the watertank exercise in self regulating thread in the secure forum. It's about getting up on the balcony so that you can see clearly. (It works for both ap 's and fa's)
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ect

Maybe you are overideding your own boundaries ?
If you have got trauma and or some desorganised attatchmentstyle it can be difficult to trust your own boundaries, your body signals and your intuition, because you've had to override your otherwise healthy fight, flight instincts because it was crusial for you as kid to stay attatched to your parents.
When our body hurts it is (often) a signal that something is wrong and that something has to change.
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1970/intuition

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-trauma

You can't compair your own relationship with other people's relationship - you have to listen to and be honest with yourself ...what is good for you, what are your boundaries, do you feel respected ect in your relationship, do you feel safe, do you respect and worship yourself, do you respect and trust your partner ?
In a good relationship there are two givers -;among other things. And there is no underdog-overdog dynamic. (Well sometimes, but if IT dosent chance with respect and putting Up good boundaries,then IT is not healthy)

Feelings of hurt, sadness, anger ect dont just dissapear if they havent been fully prossed.
Maybe there is something you need from him that you havent asked about, to be able to move on ?
Maybe you need more repair ?
Maybe you need him to do something ?
Maybe you need him to take more responsibility ?
Maybe you need to put up a hard boundarie ? (Leaving something that is not good for you is also setting a boundarie)

Importantt! : Are you using premature forgiveness ?
m.youtube.com/watch?v=AZNHnIUWZJsh

/

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25919/
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/21793/

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/22411/

You can always choose to get therapy yourself.
I would recommend to choose someone who is both an attatchment and a SE therapist (somatic expericing practicioner).

You describe that you are sometimes going numb and othertimes you describe that you got pain in your chest and that you are restless and that you are crying.
A pray animal that can't fight or flee plays dead, in hope that it's predator looses interest, when IT dosent move. IT also dissociate so that it feels less pain when it's about to get eaten.

Last Edit: Nov 29, 2020 12:56:48 GMT by anne12

alexandra
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What is wrong with me? Nov 28, 2020 18:49:31 GMT via mobile ik2020 likes this

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Post by alexandra on Nov 28, 2020 18:49:31 GMT

Nov 28, 2020 2:38:07 GMT simpler said:

anne12 it has been over a year since all this came out. At first I felt angry ...
I argued with him, asked him to work on himself and our situation, but that was no use. He was getting extremely angry, blaming me, calling me names and wasn't ready to accept any responsibility for his actions. The more we argued the more complicated it became.
I felt helpless. I wanted to leave, but I didn't have the courage.
Overall I don't think I want to end this but I don't know how to process it and move on.
Right from the start his attitude is to hold me responsible for everything and close the chapter there. ... I don't think counselling is an option. As far as he is concerned everything is back to normal, we have moved on.

Outwardly I have moved on too because I dont want to fight anymore but internally sometimes I feel pain, and other times I feel numb. I often cry and cant sleep properly.

I want to journal. I did try but every time I sit down to write I start feeling restless and can't concentrate and get chest pains.

I have to accept the fact that my relationship is not as good as I thought it to be, but it's better than what many people have.
If I can make sense of this and accept this truth, I think I will be able to move on.

simpler, I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I agree with anne12. Nothing is wrong with you. But your body is screaming at you that you're in the wrong situation, and your brain is doing everything it can to convince you otherwise to stay, accept unacceptable behavior, take the blame, and avoid fully processing.

I've quoted what you said, keeping the main points and highlighting the most important so you can see what I'm talking about. Everything in your narrative is how you feel powerless and helpless to the point that it's making you feel physically ill, yet because he stonewalled you and projected all the blame, you've tried to pretzel yourself and bend yourself all out of shape to fully take his word for it. I almost feel like this part I put in bold, "I have to accept the fact that my relationship is not as good as I thought it to be, but it's better than what many people have.", is you regurgitating something he or someone else said to you, that you're repeating it over and over to try to brainwash yourself.

First of all, you shouldn't compare your relationship to what others have. Healthy relationships are gauged by if they're a partnership, if there's open and honest communication, if there's full mutual respect, and if they add to your life overall, make you happy, and meet your needs. Second, if you have come from a difficult past, then most relationship examples you've seen have been troubled and your baseline for observing what many people have is unfortunately off, which is part of the problem here. Your past has normalized unacceptable behavior as normal in relationships, and no one around you had the skills to model healthier tools and functional relationships for you to learn from.

It is a lot to process, I know, but this is not a relationship better than most people have. While as I just said, you shouldn't make that comparison, if you're going to anyway I want you to know it's not and it's part of a false and negative self-narrative you're telling yourself to force yourself to cope and stay in a situation that is giving you chest pains. There's a book called Your Body Keeps Score that many people on this board recommend, which in part discusses how people physically store trauma in their body whether or not they are conscious of it. Many people with trauma disconnect from themselves and ignore what their bodies are telling them, which is to avoid facing, and healing, the trauma because it's so painful and a defense mechanism. This is one reason you're stuck and can't process.

Another thing people recommend on the board that has seemed to help a lot is somatic experience therapy. My understanding is this allows you to connect with what your body is telling you and to start addressing and reprogramming it in a way that's different from talk therapy.

I've been in a lot of unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationships, so I recognize them. I have earned secure from an insecure attachment style after years of work and have points of comparison for how functional romantic relationships should feel versus what emotional abuse feels like. I understand where you are with this, because I've been there and done the same, and for me it was this weird cross between denial and uncertainty (am I in a bad relationship? But making excuses for why maybe I was wrong and imagining it and I should stay?), anxiety and unhappiness, but trying to blame myself so I could stay because I could "control" myself and had zero say or control in a relationship where my partner wouldn't listen to me, respect me, or work with me.

If you have an insecure attachment style, this is typical to do. It was a system of self-defense that developed for you to stay attached to adults who couldn't meet your emotional needs, but as a child we're wired to find ways to stay attached anyway so you can get your physical needs met. As a child, it's truly a matter of survival. But unfortunately, we don't naturally grow out of these attachment style defense mechanisms without a lot of conscious work, and that means you are conditioned to accept abuse because that's familiar and normalized from earlier in life. So, you find partners who are similar to previous experiences in your childhood and re-enact, getting trapped and caught in the same cycles. Repeating, stuck, unable to process. This is why you are making excuses for him, taking all the blame, and staying stuck. But these attachment patterns no longer serve you as an adult, because your physical survival no longer depends on staying attached to dysfunctional adults.

Yes, it takes two to tango, so you do contribute to this dynamic. But you don't contribute by doing everything "wrong" as you've tried to force yourself to analyze and figure out what you've done and taken your "share" of the blame. Your contribution to the dynamic is that you're accepting everything he says as right, making yourself wrong, and staying in the situation. That's what you're doing that harmful to yourself, but again, it's not what's wrong with YOU. It's what's wrong with the situation.

I know what I've said is a lot of information and very different from how you're thinking about things. And this stuff takes a lot of time to digest, process, change. I don't expect you're ready to just leave and heal or anything, and that's perfectly okay. But be kind to yourself, try to self-affirm that you can trust yourself and your feelings instead of searching for ways to make this all your fault. And if he won't go to counseling with you (which doesn't surprise me because why should he change a situation he's got complete control over while you're willing to take all the blame and do all the emotional labor for him and overfunction for you both?), I agree with Anne also to look into therapy for yourself. To help with attachment style and relationship skills, to fill up your toolbox, to change your narrative that you tell yourself and trust in yourself. Perhaps the SE somatic experience therapy is a type to explore if you've not already tried it.

Good luck. But don't tell yourself this is better than what most people have. I'm sorry to be so blunt about this, but it's not. Now you've got both your own body and an internet stranger telling you that. You've been through a lot. Take it slow at whatever speed you need, be really nice to yourself, but also trust yourself about what's going on.

Last Edit: Nov 28, 2020 21:56:20 GMT by alexandra

alexandra
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What is wrong with me? Nov 28, 2020 18:55:29 GMT via mobile

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Post by alexandra on Nov 28, 2020 18:55:29 GMT

simpler, also wanted to add how sad this made me. "I accept that I am not very good in bedroom."

I've had FA partners try to convince me of this. They blamed me and said it was my fault. Other partners had never said such a thing. It killed my self-esteem, and I started to believe it. But it turned out, it wasn't even true. They were looking for ways to distance from me due to their own fear of intimacy. This is common enough for some avoidants to do, actually. Partners I had afterwards thought the opposite. Any man (or woman) telling you this, instead of working through it with you (for example, saying to you, "I really like when people do it this way, let's try it.") is selfish and has no respect for you. You do NOT treat a partner this way and make them feel too inadequate for intimacy unless it reflects the partner's deep issues. And I hate that he's cutting you down this way, disconnecting your intimacy instead of growing the connection. Sex shouldn't be about power and control, but he's wielding it that way. Sex should be about connection in healthier relationships.

Last Edit: Nov 28, 2020 18:56:16 GMT by alexandra

anne12
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What is wrong with me? Nov 29, 2020 10:24:29 GMT via mobile alexandra likes this

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Post by anne12 on Nov 29, 2020 10:24:29 GMT

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/22411/

Remember sometimes your intuition about another person is right!

Sometimes people who turns on your skepsism, your NO, your legitimate assumptions against you and who will tell you, that you are the wrong one. That you are the paranoid, sensitive, selfish ect. person.

Be aware of gaslighting and/or crazy making with the intension of making you blurred, confused so that you start doubting yourself.

Ex.
- A person who wants to hug you, can tell you, that you are a person that have a problem with being intimate, if you do not feel like you want to hug back.
- A person who wants to borrow money, and tells you, that you are selfish ect if you say no.
- A person who over and over cancels appointments with you, and who are accuicing you of being hysterical and controlling.

Overstepping boundaries, selfish, calculating, respectless, punishing behaviour is NOT projection.

It is reality.

Do not turn all tings against yourself and think, if I think this person is xxxx, there is a chance, that I am like that myself.

Feel your stomach, your intuition, feel your boundaries.

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1970/intuition

If You feel that your boundaries have been violated, if you feel that you have been treated wrong ect. remember you always have the right to say:

"NO / You are not right / Stop."

Remember the difference in the kind of charge in your own reaction.

If You can feel that you are getting angry, feeling perplex, hurt, confused or you are feeling paralysed, the chance is, it is not projection but a normal, healthy reaction, that shows you, that your boundaries have been violated.

But otherwise - do not let another person tell you, that you are not allowed to have opinions about people, situations or different topics or about how the other person is behaving/treating you..

As long as you do not want to punish, destroy, put down or shame the other person, then you have the right to point out another persons behavior and say:

"I am not okay with the way you are behaving"
"This is totally wrong in my opinion"
"I do not want to participate in this"
"NO'!
"Stop"

Notise that You are not using !!!!! You are only acting on what you are observing.

IT can sometimes show a huge blind spot in the person, who violates you.

Last Edit: Nov 29, 2020 11:04:19 GMT by anne12

simpler
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What is wrong with me? Nov 29, 2020 20:58:35 GMT via mobile

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Post by simpler on Nov 29, 2020 20:58:35 GMT

anne12 and alexandra thanks for writing all this with all the good information. I have read it once, I'll read it again.

He knows about the pain in my chest, and I told him that I feel depressed since our fights have started, to this he said "You read crap on internet and get ideas that you are depressed!"
This is so callous! But I know why he said that. Its because he really believes that depression is a construct of the mind,in other words he thinks its not real!!! If I have any other health issue he looks after me, but mental issues are fake in his opinion, or atleast he thinks that you can easily turn them off because they are only in your mind.
He truly believes that I am throwing tantrums or faking it.
To give you an example, one of his friend also had mental health problems (depression and attempted suicide), about him too he said "Why do people make such a big deal out of nothing!"

When I hear replies like that, how can I have any more conversation. He is ignorant that's all, he doesn't have the ability to feel sympathy or empathy. I almost pity him.

About bedroom performance -
I have gained a bit of weight in the last few years because when my dad passed away I went into a shock, even though my dad wasn't a very good dad, I always dreamt that I will make things better with him one day. I was just upset that things never worked out between me and him and he died before we could mend our relationship. At that time I felt too much pain and went on binge eating spree for a few months and I have carried that weight since, not very attractive and I look older than I am.

In terms of bedroom, a few years ago my bf asked me if we should try something "new", more kinky.
He meant bdsm, he wanted to try with cords and other stuff, tie me up and activities like spit in my face, slap and scratch me. He assured me that we will do it in a safe way, it will be all play and it won't hurt. He said a lot of people enjoy this kind of stuff and he wanted to try it, but whichever way I thought about it it all sounded super weird and scary to me.
I have been a "vanilla" person all my life, I simply refused at the time. After that he never brought it up again. To me it felt like he understood that I am not comfortable doing all that, but he had kept my refusal to try it as a grudge in his heart I suppose.

When I say "secretly revived touch with his ex" I mean he calls her to talk to her but what bothers me is that it's always when I am not around. I found out about this by chance one day, he said he was only calling the ex to give her moral support. He assured me he has no feelings for her. I said ok then call her in front of me when I am around, to this he said he can't time his phone calls around me and I should trust him. He said he would never stand guard on any of my calls whoever I wanted to call.
Thats him! Thats his nature!

I think on some level, I want him to take some responsibility of all that has happened. But he really doesnt think he has done anything wrong.
Now I don't even know if I am entitled to an apology, he is ignorant,like emotionally retarded

I would like to forgive,but don't know how to forgive someone who isn't sorry.

The reason I am with him is because apart from all this he is a caring person. Whenever I had issues with family (my mother, brother etc.) he always helped and was very kind. In day to day life too there are things we enjoy doing together, its only since I found out these hidden activities ... the addiction to porn, secret contact with ex and colleagues etc. that I started feeling betrayed.
He has stopped watching porn, which is something I guess.

Thing is, I don't want to breakup with him. He is my life! You could call this trauma bonding or whatever name you give it, but no one on these forums understands that calling it trauma bond doesn't help. How does that help? You can label it anything you like, call me borderline, codependant, victim or call him narcissist or whatever. Knowing that you call it a trauma bond doesnt mean I will just break away! I dont want to. When I think about life without him it hurts like hell. To even imagine anything bad happen to him brings tears to my eyes. I don't want to imagine any scenario in which we are apart, I'd prefer to die first than to leave him.
These are my feelings, truly and honestly, and that brings me to why I think there is something wrong with me.

All these years that I have been with him, and it has been many years, I have never thought about another man. Never even any crushes on celebrities actors etc.
The object of my attention has always been my bf.
But... last year I developed feelings for one of my boyfriend's friends. I will call him B.

It's beyond my control I swear!!! I have tried not to think about B, but I do. I feel immensely guilty. I feel like I have no control over my own mind. I analyzed this situation. Tried to read about it. This is limerence, and its painful.

Obviously I am deeply infatuated with B because of all that has happened in my relationship. But also because B is such a troubled soul!!! A couple of years ago he was taken advantage of, betrayed and then dumped by a girlfriend after which he went through hell, on verge of suicide. (This is the giy I was talking a out eaier)
I see a lot of myself in B. I feel like hugging him, holding him tight, kissing his face, wiping his tears and telling him that "I am there for you... I care about you"
(Please don't ask me to imagine me doing this to myself, sorry but that sounds ridiculous to do it to yourself!)
I think I am having some sort of "rescue fantasy"... so stupid

But there is more...I feel shame because I keep thinking what would have happened if I was with B.
Its more shameful because sometimes I even imagine doing it with B when bf and I are in bed. (How am I any different, I am doing exactly the same as bf did to me by binging on porn!)

I am utterly disgusted with myself!
I tell myself to ignore all this, forget about B, but secretly I wait for him. He sometimes comes over to watch a game with my bf... I find myself making an extra effort to look good, cook something nice, talk to him extra politely ... then I feel so so stupid.

I AM NOT A CHEATER

My brain is a cocktail of chemicals right now, don't know what to do. I feel helpless and powerless.

Thanks to you, this forum is a blessing.