What is wrong with me? Nov 28, 2020 1:06:46 GMT via mobile
Post by simpler on Nov 28, 2020 1:06:46 GMT
I am in a bad place right now, have no one to turn to, so I have come to this forum to find some answers.
I had a turbulent childhood. I come from a highly dysfunctional family (parents had substance abuse issues, father left when I was 15, mother dated some really bad guys)
Fast forward some years. After a few bad breakups I had almost given up hope when I met my current boyfriend.
We hit it off really well. We moved in together, and it's fair to say we have been in a committed long term relationship since.
Fast forward some more years, precisely to last year. I found out a few things about him which have completely destroyed my trust and turned me into an FA.
This is what I learned (by chance):
A. He had become addicted to porn.
B. He had secretly revived touch with a long lost ex and was talking to her on a regular basis.
C. He was often telling me that he was working late when actually he was socialising with colleagues after work.
It all came as a shock to me. How could I have been such an idiot to not see any of this?!
We had a massive argument about these things, and these are the answers he gave me.
A. "Porn is a bad habit but I got addicted only because our sex life was boring. However, if you are ready to spice it up I will work on giving it up"
B. "I am ONLY FRIENDS with my ex, I have no feelings for her whatsoever. I did not tell you because I knew you will raise hell about it"
C. "I didn't tell you I was socialising with people because either you would have wanted to join me or would have asked me not to meet people outside without you"
I see my own part in my story.
I accept that I am not very good in bedroom. I am not as good looking/sexy as I was when we first met, whereas he looks more or less the same.
I agree that I insist on doing things together all the time so he must have felt enmeshed/engulfed by me and wanted to make his own social circle.
His ex is a troubled person so maybe he is being charitable when he talks to her and there is nothing more.
I am thankful that he is with me and like I said, I see my role in my story. I see my mistakes but... I feel heartbroken
Something deep down has changed inside me. I feel restless and worried all the time. I don't know how to fully process this.