Post by elizabeth8 on Oct 11, 2017 15:07:48 GMT
Hi everyone,
Stumbling upon this message board was a godsend because what you all are describing is exactly what I’ve been going through and it’s a relief to read about how strongly attachment styles affect the perception and internalization of conflict in relationships. I had no idea of the magnitude and spent much of the time confused and hurt.
Current situation:
Last week I had a situation where I thought my car was stolen. I had just purchased the car a few months ago and, for background, in the past 12 months I was both injured in a car accident (requiring treatment still) and my car was totaled while parked. So last week’s car situation was particularly emotional for me and I was running around like a madwoman to find it. My boyfriend and I were supposed to hang out on the night of this incident and so he ended up running around with me to find it. Fast forward 2 hours (and police involvement), he suggests we go home, but I am so determined that I couldn’t fathom giving up. We end up arguing in the street because I want to continue searching, I tell him to go home, but out of obligation he refuses to leave me outside alone. But he’s not happy about it. Eventually we go home and the police locate my car... it was a hellish night. And personally, I was hurt that my boyfriend was making the situation about himself instead of having empathy for me and the situation given the background. He’s cold to me for the rest of the night, and has been ever since.
The next morning he makes a snide comment about how I should’ve listened to him because he was “right” and I was “grumpy”, illustrating (1) he’s made MY hellish situation about HIMSELF, and (2) he’s taken my disregard for his advice as a stab to his ego/ disrespect of who he is. Which is a completely warped view of what happened.
He kisses me goodbye in a somewhat loving way before leaving, and later in the day texts to ask me if I want to go to dinner with his family. That night at dinner he holds my hand under the table and is very affectionate toward me, then walking to the car he initiates holding my hand and we’re chatting normally. It seems like everything is normal. I drive us to his house (in my car that was missing the night earlier) and I don’t know if this triggered him or what, but his attitude towards me changed once we got home. We’re both exhausted after the previous night looking for the car + a full day of work + dinner so I attribute his attitude to being tired. It’s only when we’re about to go to bed that I realize he’s angry- he tries to order me to get something from the hallway (for no reason at all and also not how we treat each other), I play dumb to refuse, and he eventually gets the item himself. I again don’t pay too much attention to this and attribute it to him being tired. I start to initiate sex since we hadn’t been together all week, he finishes and doesn’t make any attempt to take care of me - the first time he’s ever not. Ever.
The next morning he’s icy and distant, I ask him if I did something wrong, he tells me I didn’t he just doesn’t want to be affectionate, and I leave for an appointment. I call him later in the day and he eventually tells me that he’s been mad at me but it’s not my fault: he’s annoyed with me for being me and he’s annoyed with my car. He says it’s just a bad mood and we sort of talk things out but it’s a conversation that leaves me feeling alone, drained, and hurt - because again, the lack of empathy and inability to see my perspective at all. He comes over a few hours later, we have some cocktails and dinner, and chat for hours in our normal way. Finally, it seems like things are back to normal. We have sex (he’s not selfish this time) and go to bed. In the morning I make us breakfast and we cuddle on the couch watching tv. He wraps his arms around me and is very affectionate. I leave the house for an hour and when I come back, he’s noticeably different. We were planning to go to the movies but now he doesn’t want to go and says he feels ill. He goes home and later when I text him he replies with a one word answer and doesn’t ask me how my day went or anything that he would normally do.
The next day I call him in the evening to chat after work, again one word answers and I finally ask him if we’re good (like the 5th time we've has this stupid conversation) and he says that he’s having doubts about us and again brings up my car situation. Now for some background, my bf and I have been together for 3 years, he’s 36 and I’m 30. This is the longest relationship both of us have had, however where I’m willing to dive in and resolve conflict to move forward (and I understand that couples will have disagreements and that’s part of life), he seems to think relationships should be some utopia where you don’t have to put in any work at all. He takes the smallest conflict as a sign that we shouldn’t be together and once he gets into this thinking he throws the kitchen sink at it: he says that he’s going through the motions, we just do our routine and nothing new, he claims to have felt this way for a while, etc. HOWEVER all of his actions/ behaviors/ things he said before the car situation proved otherwise. He called me when he was done work everyday to chat (and was animated and happy), he told me how much he’d missed me since we hadn’t been able to spend as much time together, he spent significant amounts of time with my family and mine with his - and we’d joke about how crazy certain family members are in that way that couples do. I could go on with examples, there are countless to show that he was NOT feeling this way about me beforehand.
Upon reading about attachment styles my boyfriend is definitely an FA: he retreats/runs and blocks himself off and everyone else is the problem, never him. Back when we first met he told me that he has a pattern of “blowing things up” and that’s why his relationships haven’t worked. He needs long periods of time to process when he gets mad (triggered) and he doesn’t get mad often but when I set him off unknowingly I pay the price for at least a week. In the beginning I reacted in my default way: I’m quick tongued, need to get all my emotions out, and then I can move on... this does not bode well for the FA. I’d say I’m anxious attachment style naturally but have been working on it quite a bit so more anxious/secure. Or at least I recognize how my default reaction only makes things worse so I know better than to pop off and for the most part, respond calmly instead. So my bf holds this over my head and claims that he doesn’t share things because I get defensive and angry and it makes him not want to share so he claims he’s been holding things in. I pointed out how he’s using that as an excuse for not sharing, because actually more times than not I’ve reacted calmly. He agrees that he may be doing this. Once triggered he completely forgets that 9/10 times we have a great time together - I’ve listened to him twists everything around and it’s appalling. Before finding this board I wondered if he’s a narcissist or if he’s gaslighting me or if I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship: prior to this I’d never seen anyone rearrange facts like that.
We stay on the phone for hours, mostly not talking, and he eventually tells me he doesn’t want to do this anymore. This = be in a relationship with me. This is the first time he’s ever said that to me. I’m so hurt and stunned but still react calmly, I end up driving over to his house. He’s surprised to see me and is lying in bed watching tv, he looks a mess - all color drained from his face. He’s tired and after talking for a while he claims that I pushed him to have a breakup conversation with me on the phone because I asked if we’re ok (which is definitely not true). I’m exhausted too as I was anxious about us all day and didn’t sleep well the night before, we go to bed. It’s cold in the bedroom, he asks me if it’s cold to which I say yes we should cuddle, and he does. His alarm goes off super early the next morning, he’s somewhat surprised when I get up to leave but I hadn’t planned on staying so I needed to go home to get ready for work. He texts me a few hours later suggesting we talk at night and I never respond because I don’t know what to say. I struggle through work because I’m so sleep deprived from the night prior, he doesn’t call/text me and I go to bed early.
How do I get us back on track?
As dysfunctional as the above sounds, most of the time our relationship is wonderful. We balance each other really nicely, have had several exciting trips, He would often tell me how much he loves me. He’s complimentary, supportive of my career and vice versa. We’ve been planning to move in together later this year (he’s been remodeling his house for me, putting in specific accents with me in mind), we’re aligned in terms of what we want long term except for when he suddenly starts believing that everything is shit and I’m the issue. I can’t fathom us not being together and now that I see how he falls into FA attachment patterns, our conflict makes more sense to me. In the past when he’s gone into this funk and I’ve gone over to his house he’s later told me that he appreciates it/ my invasion of his space like that has been helpful. But now I’m both angry and scared.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
Stumbling upon this message board was a godsend because what you all are describing is exactly what I’ve been going through and it’s a relief to read about how strongly attachment styles affect the perception and internalization of conflict in relationships. I had no idea of the magnitude and spent much of the time confused and hurt.
Current situation:
Last week I had a situation where I thought my car was stolen. I had just purchased the car a few months ago and, for background, in the past 12 months I was both injured in a car accident (requiring treatment still) and my car was totaled while parked. So last week’s car situation was particularly emotional for me and I was running around like a madwoman to find it. My boyfriend and I were supposed to hang out on the night of this incident and so he ended up running around with me to find it. Fast forward 2 hours (and police involvement), he suggests we go home, but I am so determined that I couldn’t fathom giving up. We end up arguing in the street because I want to continue searching, I tell him to go home, but out of obligation he refuses to leave me outside alone. But he’s not happy about it. Eventually we go home and the police locate my car... it was a hellish night. And personally, I was hurt that my boyfriend was making the situation about himself instead of having empathy for me and the situation given the background. He’s cold to me for the rest of the night, and has been ever since.
The next morning he makes a snide comment about how I should’ve listened to him because he was “right” and I was “grumpy”, illustrating (1) he’s made MY hellish situation about HIMSELF, and (2) he’s taken my disregard for his advice as a stab to his ego/ disrespect of who he is. Which is a completely warped view of what happened.
He kisses me goodbye in a somewhat loving way before leaving, and later in the day texts to ask me if I want to go to dinner with his family. That night at dinner he holds my hand under the table and is very affectionate toward me, then walking to the car he initiates holding my hand and we’re chatting normally. It seems like everything is normal. I drive us to his house (in my car that was missing the night earlier) and I don’t know if this triggered him or what, but his attitude towards me changed once we got home. We’re both exhausted after the previous night looking for the car + a full day of work + dinner so I attribute his attitude to being tired. It’s only when we’re about to go to bed that I realize he’s angry- he tries to order me to get something from the hallway (for no reason at all and also not how we treat each other), I play dumb to refuse, and he eventually gets the item himself. I again don’t pay too much attention to this and attribute it to him being tired. I start to initiate sex since we hadn’t been together all week, he finishes and doesn’t make any attempt to take care of me - the first time he’s ever not. Ever.
The next morning he’s icy and distant, I ask him if I did something wrong, he tells me I didn’t he just doesn’t want to be affectionate, and I leave for an appointment. I call him later in the day and he eventually tells me that he’s been mad at me but it’s not my fault: he’s annoyed with me for being me and he’s annoyed with my car. He says it’s just a bad mood and we sort of talk things out but it’s a conversation that leaves me feeling alone, drained, and hurt - because again, the lack of empathy and inability to see my perspective at all. He comes over a few hours later, we have some cocktails and dinner, and chat for hours in our normal way. Finally, it seems like things are back to normal. We have sex (he’s not selfish this time) and go to bed. In the morning I make us breakfast and we cuddle on the couch watching tv. He wraps his arms around me and is very affectionate. I leave the house for an hour and when I come back, he’s noticeably different. We were planning to go to the movies but now he doesn’t want to go and says he feels ill. He goes home and later when I text him he replies with a one word answer and doesn’t ask me how my day went or anything that he would normally do.
The next day I call him in the evening to chat after work, again one word answers and I finally ask him if we’re good (like the 5th time we've has this stupid conversation) and he says that he’s having doubts about us and again brings up my car situation. Now for some background, my bf and I have been together for 3 years, he’s 36 and I’m 30. This is the longest relationship both of us have had, however where I’m willing to dive in and resolve conflict to move forward (and I understand that couples will have disagreements and that’s part of life), he seems to think relationships should be some utopia where you don’t have to put in any work at all. He takes the smallest conflict as a sign that we shouldn’t be together and once he gets into this thinking he throws the kitchen sink at it: he says that he’s going through the motions, we just do our routine and nothing new, he claims to have felt this way for a while, etc. HOWEVER all of his actions/ behaviors/ things he said before the car situation proved otherwise. He called me when he was done work everyday to chat (and was animated and happy), he told me how much he’d missed me since we hadn’t been able to spend as much time together, he spent significant amounts of time with my family and mine with his - and we’d joke about how crazy certain family members are in that way that couples do. I could go on with examples, there are countless to show that he was NOT feeling this way about me beforehand.
Upon reading about attachment styles my boyfriend is definitely an FA: he retreats/runs and blocks himself off and everyone else is the problem, never him. Back when we first met he told me that he has a pattern of “blowing things up” and that’s why his relationships haven’t worked. He needs long periods of time to process when he gets mad (triggered) and he doesn’t get mad often but when I set him off unknowingly I pay the price for at least a week. In the beginning I reacted in my default way: I’m quick tongued, need to get all my emotions out, and then I can move on... this does not bode well for the FA. I’d say I’m anxious attachment style naturally but have been working on it quite a bit so more anxious/secure. Or at least I recognize how my default reaction only makes things worse so I know better than to pop off and for the most part, respond calmly instead. So my bf holds this over my head and claims that he doesn’t share things because I get defensive and angry and it makes him not want to share so he claims he’s been holding things in. I pointed out how he’s using that as an excuse for not sharing, because actually more times than not I’ve reacted calmly. He agrees that he may be doing this. Once triggered he completely forgets that 9/10 times we have a great time together - I’ve listened to him twists everything around and it’s appalling. Before finding this board I wondered if he’s a narcissist or if he’s gaslighting me or if I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship: prior to this I’d never seen anyone rearrange facts like that.
We stay on the phone for hours, mostly not talking, and he eventually tells me he doesn’t want to do this anymore. This = be in a relationship with me. This is the first time he’s ever said that to me. I’m so hurt and stunned but still react calmly, I end up driving over to his house. He’s surprised to see me and is lying in bed watching tv, he looks a mess - all color drained from his face. He’s tired and after talking for a while he claims that I pushed him to have a breakup conversation with me on the phone because I asked if we’re ok (which is definitely not true). I’m exhausted too as I was anxious about us all day and didn’t sleep well the night before, we go to bed. It’s cold in the bedroom, he asks me if it’s cold to which I say yes we should cuddle, and he does. His alarm goes off super early the next morning, he’s somewhat surprised when I get up to leave but I hadn’t planned on staying so I needed to go home to get ready for work. He texts me a few hours later suggesting we talk at night and I never respond because I don’t know what to say. I struggle through work because I’m so sleep deprived from the night prior, he doesn’t call/text me and I go to bed early.
How do I get us back on track?
As dysfunctional as the above sounds, most of the time our relationship is wonderful. We balance each other really nicely, have had several exciting trips, He would often tell me how much he loves me. He’s complimentary, supportive of my career and vice versa. We’ve been planning to move in together later this year (he’s been remodeling his house for me, putting in specific accents with me in mind), we’re aligned in terms of what we want long term except for when he suddenly starts believing that everything is shit and I’m the issue. I can’t fathom us not being together and now that I see how he falls into FA attachment patterns, our conflict makes more sense to me. In the past when he’s gone into this funk and I’ve gone over to his house he’s later told me that he appreciates it/ my invasion of his space like that has been helpful. But now I’m both angry and scared.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.