We all know how maddening it can be when reestablishing contact with a DA, (I’m for the most part secure, but he does bring out a FA state in me) so I'll skip that and get to the point.
A friend attended an event and noticed another man attending had the same Southern accent as me. Their conversation continued and as it turned out, the man was one of the seven people I hung out with in my 20's.
When my friend told me about the meeting, I went into detail of how the man was attending college in a coastal city and every weekend six of us would head to the city and spend the weekend in the man’s rental house. It was our home away from home. We played on the beaches, dug for clams, tried to find old homestead locations we read about in old books, studied the architecture of the old homes, spent a lot of time in forgotten graveyards and knew all the best mom and pop restaurants in the area that the tourists never heard of. In the end, jobs, marriage and babies happened and over time, we all lost contact. This conversation took place on a public post on social and two days later Ex DA posted photos of the area mentioned in our conversation.
I’ve heard that DAs will do stuff like this to try and reconnect. Some post songs that are relevant to their relationship. Just a coincidence? Bread crumbing would be easier. Any advice?
Last Edit: Dec 3, 2020 3:07:06 GMT by MariBrown: removed sensitive data personal in nature.
MariBrown, I'm wondering from your post, what's it matter? I have found that if someone can't reach out directly, and is either bread crumbing or trying to get your attention passively, then they haven't confronted their own issues. You filling in the emotional labor by responding to their indirect cues either gets you stuck in an unhealthy cycle (nothing good comes out of a situation where you need to mind-read because they can't communicate properly) or you're projecting and seeing more than is there and then they'll use it as plausible deniability as soon as things deepen ("you came to me, I don't want this or I'd have taken initiative").
You're right that you deserve better and more mature and straight-forward communication in your 50s. Hold your healthy boundaries and don't waste your time. If he really has something important to say AND he's ready to say it, he will let you know. If he's actually ready, then it may also be worth your time to hear it.
What's it matter? A year ago, I've never heard of attachment styles. I was so broken hearted, that I started to look for answers. Like most people who get involved with a DA, they learn they didn't "do" anything wrong to cause the person to leave. Despite all of the information and warnings out there, we take them back and like you stated and get stuck in an unhealthy cycle. I've been mourning over this guy for five months and learned just a few hours ago, he dumped his latest "victim" two weeks ago, because she wants a committed relationship. Most women would be jumping for joy, I'm in total dread.
I know exactly where he is headed, so that's why I asked if DAs try to passively reconnect via social media sights. I know it sounds dramatic, but I feel like I'm going to battle, because my heart and my mind aren't on the same page yet. It's immature to block people on social media and on your phone, but if that's what it takes to protect myself, so be it. He's 58 years old, he's not going to change.
Thank you for the reality check and putting things into perspective.
It doesn't sound dramatic. I've been there, and yes, I've had FA exes (not usually DA) very passive-aggressively try to get my attention. Most of the time, like in your situation, it turns out they often just ended a relationship and are looking for validation from someone so that they can feel better. It's better to not read into things so that, as I said, you can stop a new cycle before it starts. And apologies, it seemed like you were talking about someone from deeper in the past. Stick with what you're doing and be kind to yourself!