Is He Dismissive-Avoidant or Player?

MariBrown, I think the bigger question is, is your sister AP? He may be avoidant, he may be a narcissist, he may just be kind of a jerk, but it's not the question that will give her answers. He and your sister don't want the same things right now. 8 months is a long time to refuse to commit and fear labels, and she won't lose anything much if she leaves... she'll lose her time and opportunity to meet someone looking for the same things if she stays. I suppose since you're asking and not her, she's likely not ready to look into her side and figure out why she'll stay for crumbs. But when I had a fearful-avoidant yet official bf being weird about the social media thing, he said it was in part because he didn't want the site to keep tabs on him and updates it very little. After several months, I said, can you at least delete that you're single then, so it's just blank? He said oh absolutely, the less info I'm showing the better. So he did that, and never updated that he was in a relationship with me (even after years). He'd say he wanted the same things as me but actions didn't reflect it. Moving on and addressing my own AP was the best thing I could do to find a healthy and satisfying romantic relationship.

MariBrown, I'm glad it's not your sister!!!!

He sounds like he could be a narcissist. Dismissive avoidants don't just use people that way... they have feelings but connection to self is harder to access and intimacy can make them shut down. They may not make good partners, but they're not trying to be intentionally hurtful if there isn't something else going on. This man sounds like he doesn't care about anyone's feelings!

You're limited in what you can do. As I said, the friend is codependent and probably AP. She knows she's not being treated well but is choosing to stay. If she's older too, then this probably isn't her first rodeo in being in an imbalanced relationship. She may not be ready to stand up for herself. The most direct solution to her problems is if she wants to explore and get help for her AP, but it's such a personal decision that there's very, very little you can do besides ask if she's familiar with attachment theory and see if she's interested in learning more. Jeb, the site owner, has his book, and there's also the book Attached, as intro points. If she's staying with him through all this so far, then she knows he's not treating her right and rationalizing it anyway, so she probably won't hear criticism of him... though it's still good for her to know he's not a good partner and it's him not her, in case she's ever ready to start processing. (Hearing it when she's ready to hear it can be positive reinforcement.)

Ick.

They're not mutually exclusive. People with personality disorders have attachment styles, too. However, DAs without comorbid mental issues such as personality disorders don't totally lack empathy or act vindictive, as this guy sounds like he does. DA get triggered into shutdown by intimacy and also lack good communication skills, as do all insecure attachment style types. All this extra malicious and using-others behavior doesn't sound like DA alone. She should definitely be steering clear, but as I said, she doesn't sound ready to hear or face it :/

He does not meet the 9 official criteria for NPD, so comorbid mental issues makes sense.  They broke up last night and she is back at her home.  According to my sister he's been withdrawing and giving her hints to leave.  He didn't like it, but I give her two thumbs up, she didn't go quietly. Maybe she's starting to see the light. 

 
  

I believe an official clinical diagnosis for a narcissist is when you meet five of the nine DSM criteria in a pervasive way, meaning, not just occasionally but regularly. You definitely don't have to meet all 9, but one is not enough.