Post by standintheheart on Dec 30, 2020 5:57:35 GMT
Hey y'all. For 2 months, I've been casually seeing an avoidant type who I've known for years (regularly get covid tests) and my anxiousness has now kicked in. Feeling the need to leave the relationship because all my anxieties are triggered (hours between texts, I feel myself wanting more attention, etc.) I made plans with her to meet up on New Year's. A bit frustrating, because it's once again me making the plans and her not contributing much. But I digress! Seems like NYE is a shitty time to have a "serious convo." One that would likely end in me deciding to leave (unless she expresses an interest in becoming more than casual and makes an effort to squash my anxieties).
Question is: Do I just journal and chill and not bring it up until after New Year's? Do I give her a head's up that I'd like to talk on New Year's? Do I just address it ASAP and have a talk now (day before NYE) then decide from there about NYE plans?
I've been looping the potential conversation in my head, and journaling about it, and I'm tired of carrying it around. Frustrations become compounded by long periods between texts, without much substance to her responses.
I don't want to make the mistake of discussing this NYE after midnight, when we're tired.
It sounds like a bad idea to do anything, if you are coming from an activated triggered state. APs can make bad decisions, when they are not well-regulated. You write, that you are seeing eachother casually. So you havent agreed on seeing where this relationship will lead you yet. Maybe she still thinks, that you are only casual, and why would she think anything else ? You know that shes avoidant - so you also know that they move slow.... Expecting an avoidant to text back within a couple of hours is a bit too much to expect from a casual relationship (with an avoidant person) - or with anyone. By the way - what do you text and why do you text her ? What happens right before you text her ? What is it that you expect, when you text her ? What is it that you want to talk to her about on New Years Eve ? Do you want to give her an ultimatum or ?
Do you know what you want with your dating ? Do you know what she wants ? People can date for many different reasons.
APs can want other people to read their mind, and when they cant, the AP can get pissed.
Do you know your dealbreakers and whishes, wants and values to a relationship ?
Are you having diffculty knowing what you want - what feels right for you ?
Maybe you already know, that your casual relationship is a no go, but then you start doubting yourself ? Maybe you are only turned on, because she is avoidant, so that you have to chase her ? What would happen if you just stand still and dont chase ?
Talking about serious stuff when you are triggered, tired, tipsy, stressed out ect. is just bad timing imo. Im also against having serious talks on New Years Eve.
Never a good idea to talk when you are triggered, or at least triggered enough not to have a good strong handle on your emotions.
I'd figure out what it is I want from relationships (in general) and then plan a conversation around finding out if we are on the same page on relationship desires and outlooks. I'd also figure out what I would do if we were/ were not on the same page e.g., call it quits if not on same page. If we were on the same page, then I'd state what I am looking for more specifically e.g., more equal distribution of the emotional labour of the relationship and what that looks like. If they were not willing/able to do so and/or suggest what they want/do, then I'd think about what I'd like e.g., cut it off and/or lower expectations. Instead of looping ruminations, I would create a decision tree for myself so it becomes systematic, externalized and unemotional.
I would NOT tell them that they need to step up so I won't be anxious - the anxiety is just my own internal signal that this relationship is not completely safe for me and is not meeting my needs. Only I need to know and only I need to deal with it. I would NOT have these discussions on major events - NYE, holidays, anniversaries etc etc, though those are massive triggers for insecures.
In the meantime, I would spend my efforts on what anne12 asked, creating a decision tree and talking myself down so that my immediate action is not "LEAVE NOW" but more "mm, I have uncertainties that I'd like to clear up.".