Insecure anxious type scarcity

LPC, where did you read this? I am new to this whole set of ideas and haven't read any of the books yet.

I have to admit that my first reaction, too, is that that passage is telling us clingy types that if we didn't find and benefit from these ideas by our very early twenties, we are doomed. Even if against all odds we manage to improve our style--and is that even possible?--no one is left out there that we can have a healthy relationship with.

I guess one reason I reacted so strongly to this bad news is that, for me, scarcity was a reality even when I was young and surrounded by single people. If no one will date you, or if maybe once or twice in a good year you can find someone who will consent to a single date, then for practical purposes there really isn't much of a dating pool.

Thanks for your reply, Jeb, and your useful suggestions for thinking about my past life of near-total dating failure. Of the possibilities, it certainly wasn't number 1; I saw a lot of people I'd like to date. If anything, I was desperate (and I do know that desperation and a real interest in individuals are not the same) and my desperation showed. Two, for sure, I was invisible. A few women have said I'm not bad-looking; but lack of charm, for sure, no charm at all. And yes, as I have thought in recent months about these things I have realized that there were times I didn't pick up on people's interest, or what might in any case have been interest.

Some time during the eighties, I think it was, I revived an interest in dressing well (I mentioned the sixties; grateful as I am to have come of age then, the era did kind of interrupt the development of my self-presentation skills). Alan Flusser's books were invaluable, though I didn't have (and still don't) anything like the budget for his recommendations: instead I learned a little about quality and cut and hit the thrift stores, and while I may not have much going for me, I think I can say I dress better on a smaller outlay than most. More recently I've been trying to get stronger and lose some weight--difficult because I lack not only self-discipline, but time and space. But I decided to start with just incorporating more movement and physical challenge into daily life--taking the stairs faster, doing (or attempting) a couple of push-ups or lunges in passing once in a while, that sort of thing; then a couple of weeks ago I started doing a few beginning Pilates exercises first thing in the morning, and now that that habit has started getting established I'm looking at some paleo-style routines. If nothing else, I'd like to be, as the saying goes, more useful and harder to kill. And I can, in fact, chat people up and signal approachability quite a bit better than I could when young.

So who knows--if I'm ever in a position to try dating again, maybe I wouldn't be as invisible, or as repellent when seen, as I once was. Though there are the little details of being old, bald, and relatively poor, and the fact that all the women who might have been dating prospects 40 years ago, and their younger counterparts, are now comfortably paired up.

This will seem very strange in light of what else I've written here, but I have had times in the last few months when I have felt much more confident, much more attractive, and in a way younger, than I ever did in my twenties. And I've even been able to look back on the past and reinterpret it as "look at that, you *were* attracting women, you were just too wrapped up in your own story to know it." But I don't know how to hold on to that.

P.S. (added later because for the last couple of days and nights I can't stop thinking about this):  And I'm afraid that almost never dating when everyone else was, and losing my virginity so late, left deficits that can never be remedied, no matter what I do later in life.  It's not just the memories and experiences that the rest of the world has that can never be mine, but the foundation that was never properly laid (pun unintended but I'll leave it, such as it is).  I fear it's like the violin: you can learn at any age to draw the bow across the strings and place your fingers to make the right notes, but as any classical musician will tell you, you'll never be really good if you didn't start young.

I've found identifying avoidants pretty easy. The most surefire way I have found is to ask them about their exes. If they refer to them as clingy or jealous, red flag, ask more questions. One guy volunteered that he shuts down in fights. I made a very obvious nervousness laugh to let him know that I was fine seeing him again but that he would not be making the serious dating cut.
People really tell you about themselves if you listen.
As for your question about aren't we designed to attach. I'd say that yes we are designed to need SOMEONE but it may not necessarily be a particular person for life. Evolution is not best fit, it's quickest answer. So in our history giving us a need for someone was enough to ensure we paired off and then the environment made monogamy the easiest way to fufill that need. Now there is no shortage of people available for shorter term relationships so the evolutionary drive may not be sufficient to form life long relationships in the modern environment.
I'm still hopeful but we need to accept that due to economic and social factors we aren't as forced to stay with someone, and there are definitely advantages to this, but that also leaves less incentive to do the work to make something last.