ecila
New Member
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Post by ecila on Oct 15, 2017 9:22:09 GMT
I'm a 30 year-old AP and met my ex at work. Being aware of the attachment theory, it was clear to me from the beginning that he was the avoidant dismissive type. After 5 months of friendship in which we got closer and closer, he never made a step despite seeking my company and asking me out. So I did. It might sound stupid from me giving that I could see his attachment style, yet I like him so much. He is such a good, nice person and I really felt great around him. That does not happen much to me - I am very reserved person and like being alone. From early on, he told me he was not so much into me as I was into him. We were having a great time and I do not know why he said that, I figured he was just being insecure and I started to indulge. We were seeing each other once a week or max twice, even if working in the same building. Sometimes I wanted more, I wanted to improvise, but felt resistance on his side and I knew he needed space.
He even agreed to meet my mom. After 6 months of dating, he told me again clear and straight that he is not so involved in this relationship. That was just how it was, and I should not demand to see him more. I was really hurt because I could not understand what he was missing. I then said we should break up if he is not involved, but he said for him things work differently. He had a previous relationship where he had lost his head for a woman, but it did not end well and that is not what he seeks; he also said that his most important relationship was instead one that lasted 5 years and grew gradually with time (in the end, he left her because he couldnt see himself with her for the rest of his life). That he wanted to give it a try between us, but could not promise anything.
We went on and suprisingly the relationship got better after this speech. After 1month, we go together on a long weekend trip. For no apparent reason, I saw him gradually shutting off during the weekend and the last day he was so rough to me that he made me cry. Big fight, big apologies, everything wonderful again for a month. But this time, really wonderful. He moved to a nearby city and was texting and calling and being affectionate. After a month from the move, he gradually stopped contacting me. I asked him what was going on and got no answer ('I don't know..'). At the time I was having a terrible time at work and he did not mention anything anymore until I met the work deadline. From then on, he disappeared. He was not openly avoiding my calls, he was nice, but not like a boyfriend. When we met he finally openly broke up, with the only explanation that 'he cannot say now if this is gonna be The Relationship of his life'. I am broken now. I feel so lost and stupid because I allowed this in the first place. Because the few time I could spy into his walls, I saw something wonderful, and I was not able to take it out. I feel like I failed in something that could have been great, and I still wonder why I was not enough.
I am sorry, I guess there are many more stories like this here...I just really need to tell someone because I feel so down, can't get up from bed and I do not know how to get over this.
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Post by trevjim on Oct 15, 2017 12:16:27 GMT
Thats alot like my experience but mine was more short lived.
Very good to begin, but she didnt feel she could do a relationships, even though we were pretty much in one.
Had a few arguments towards the end, felt her pulling away for no apparent reason, then she ended it.
She rang the next day all happy to clear the air, being really nice but treating me like a friend.
I don't know what went wrong for me, i either think someone else turned her head or she still had feelings for her ex which stopped her developing any for me.
That was 3 weeks ago.
My advice, go no contact, dont contact him, dont facebook stalk him etc.
The first week for me was really bad, but now on week 3 im feeling better.
I know you probably cant see a light at the end of the tunnel but time does help.
Ive had 3 rough break ups, each time i felt like id never get over them, but each time i did.
I personally like to wallow in self pity and grieve for a few days/weeks, then keep busy, workout and treat myself.
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Post by DearLover on Oct 15, 2017 12:51:08 GMT
I am also struggling to overcome my ex, nearly 2 months on from the break up with no closure and no goodbyes. I ended in a flash of realisation that the real him was not only the amazing guy that turned up sometimes. The real him was also the one that couldn't make up his mind about his feelings, couldn't keep up with his word, couldn't talk about the future even if the future was the next day. Most importantly he could not be there for me if I was going through any sort of inevitable life 'problem' but he expected me to be there for him, to lick his wounds and kiss him better on the click of his fingers.
What we need to ask ourselves is why we attract, accept or seek them and why we stay with them even when them tell us in plain english and to our faces that they are not what we are looking for and can not reciprocate?
I miss mine terribly even though I don't want him in my life.
Why?
The connection we miss with them, is in reality the lack of connection with our own selves. The wonderful qualities and potential we see in them is nothing more than the wonderful qualities and potential we have hidden deep in our true selves but we are unable to see. We need them to mirror it back to us and show us that we are neglecting our gifts to ourselves.
Their job is done. They came, they reflected to us what we need to do and they left.
We carry on doing the work.
Hope this makes sense. I write what I need to be told.
Peace
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2017 17:33:39 GMT
I am also struggling to overcome my ex, nearly 2 months on from the break up with no closure and no goodbyes. I ended in a flash of realisation that the real him was not only the amazing guy that turned up sometimes. The real him was also the one that couldn't make up his mind about his feelings, couldn't keep up with his word, couldn't talk about the future even if the future was the next day. Most importantly he could not be there for me if I was going through any sort of inevitable life 'problem' but he expected me to be there for him, to lick his wounds and kiss him better on the click of his fingers. What we need to ask ourselves is why we attract, accept or seek them and why we stay with them even when them tell us in plain english and to our faces that they are not what we are looking for and can not reciprocate? I miss mine terribly even though I don't want him in my life. Why? The connection we miss with them, is in reality the lack of connection with our own selves. The wonderful qualities and potential we see in them is nothing more than the wonderful qualities and potential we have hidden deep in our true selves but we are unable to see. We need them to mirror it back to us and show us that we are neglecting our gifts to ourselves. Their job is done. They came, they reflected to us what we need to do and they left. We carry on doing the work. Hope this makes sense. I write what I need to be told. Peace Thanks for posting this is just what I needed to hear at the moment. |
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Post by chicago on Oct 22, 2017 3:06:11 GMT
Ecila,
I am so sorry this happened to you. You are plenty enough. If you haven't already, please read through more of this forum and you will see a trend with avoidants enough to realize it was never you that was the problem.
Did he tell you anything else about the "woman he lost his head for" and can you elaborate about "that is not what he seeks?" I wonder if his experience with her was so painful that he still hasn't recovered.
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Post by howpredictable on Oct 22, 2017 13:40:19 GMT
The connection we miss with them, is in reality the lack of connection with our own selves. The wonderful qualities and potential we see in them is nothing more than the wonderful qualities and potential we have hidden deep in our true selves but we are unable to see. We need them to mirror it back to us and show us that we are neglecting our gifts to ourselves. Those of us who struggle severely at the end of relationships with Avoidants usually have our own attachment injuries, which is why we are drawn to them in the first place. These videos, by Alan Robarge who specializes in this kind of relationship dynamic, explains some of it. youtu.be/0wOQohv_0Rgyoutu.be/D4N0UDijV5cAs DearLover says, these people come into our lives to shine a mirror on ourselves. Sorry for what you are going through, hopefully you can take it up as a growth opportunity. |
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Post by DearLover on Oct 22, 2017 14:31:32 GMT
YES howpredictable! I came back here to exactly recommend the same video (the second one) 'Obsessing Over Ex-Partner - Trauma Mind.
Amazing stuff and very insightful and helpful.
Unfortunately just watching it doesn't 'cure', doesn't heal. Only time does. Don't I know it? Tomorrow is going to be 2 months I (we? him?) ended, 2 months no contact, his choice, 2 months of no closure or good bye.
Yesterday I was crying alone and hiding under my blankets in my warm and soft bed.
Couldn't resist anymore and today did some online snooping. He is travelling, having an amazing adventure, an old dream. I am happy for him. I always encouraged him to go after what he wanted.
Although I learned a lot, changed a lot, grew a lot and did a lot of new thing over these two months, I am nowhere near being 'over it'. It hurts. I trust my time will come. I am not even asking for a new love. I just want to be happily single again and have him out of my mind. Or heart.
Yesterday I had lunch with my two best friends and obviously his name came up. One of them hates him, calls him swear words. When she says that he was just after sex or a friends with benefits situation it feels like a sharp knife turning in my insides even though I know she is probably speaking the truth. It hurts because he said I was his lovely girlfriend and his beautiful partner. It was music to my ears. And I don't like lies, I don't ever lie. I don't understand why I was lied to.
The other friend doesn't understand why I am not angry, why I don't hate him. Why I say I still love him even though I want nothing to do with him (or at least I understand that I shouldn't want and I know I wouldn't let myself back even if there was an opportunity) But the love is not about HIM is about ME. It was my love that irradiated toward him, and still does. I don't know how to turn it off. I guess I just need to keep trying to redirecting it more and more towards myself and my life.
Lets trust time. If there are still residues, there is still work to do. Lets roll up our sleeves and get on with it. We will have a nicely finished result. Better than before for sure. Their most precious gift.
Stay strong everyone.
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Post by inspiring on Oct 22, 2017 17:01:43 GMT
Yesterday I had lunch with my two best friends and obviously his name came up. One of them hates him, calls him swear words. When she says that he was just after sex or a friends with benefits situation it feels like a sharp knife turning in my insides even though I know she is probably speaking the truth. It hurts because he said I was his lovely girlfriend and his beautiful partner. It was music to my ears. And I don't like lies, I don't ever lie. I don't understand why I was lied to. The other friend doesn't understand why I am not angry, why I don't hate him. Why I say I still love him even though I want nothing to do with him (or at least I understand that I shouldn't want and I know I wouldn't let myself back even if there was an opportunity) But the love is not about HIM is about ME. It was my love that irradiated toward him, and still does. I don't know how to turn it off. I guess I just need to keep trying to redirecting it more and more towards myself and my life. Dear Lover, I looked up your initial thread to validate my gut feeling. I don't think your ex was only after sex. And according to your description it really doesn't seem like that. And you know that. It is the closest explanation for such behaviour for externals, and I sometimes justified my ex-partner's behaviour by the same reason when I was with him and had not heard of DA yet. But this sex-explanation doesn't necessarily apply to a DA. Only you and him know what happend in your relationship. Don't be too affected by other people's estamations. They just don't know better. (But of course, there are people out there who reach out only for sex.....I don't want to deny this phenomenon in general.) However, his behaviour towards you was disrespectful even if he had sincerely serious feelings for you.......even if you know that he has a serious personal disorder in terms of intimacy. It doesn't change the fact that his behaviour hurt you. And you can be angry about that or not. That's your choice. Don't push yourself. Don't blame yourself either. It wasn't your love who made him acting like this. It was his disorder. This whole thing is not about guilt. It is about responsibility by analysing the different dynamics. So yes, pushing someone away that way because of fear is something very hurtful and destroying. And you obviously showed responsibilty for yourself by ending the relationship because you can't handle such disrespectful behaviour. That's okay. Now you can dig deeper and exploring what this encounter should tell you about yourself or about your deeper issues. I had a very similar story. Very intense encoutners in the course of our 7-month relationship, I also felt like his toy because he really cared about me when we were together. But when we were apart, he distanced himself very much. He also let me down in situations in which I was so full of distress and needed him most. He gave me silent treatments for weeks at the end of our relationship. I also had to end the relationship via text message but fortunately I received a couple of replies back....all of them entailed "I love you"....which is soothing on the one hand, but on the other hand, it doesn't make the process of letting go any easier. Stay strong and trust yourself that all necessary emotions will pop up and one day you'll be over him. |
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Post by DearLover on Oct 23, 2017 11:40:04 GMT
Thank you.
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Post by mitchhed on Oct 23, 2017 18:22:59 GMT
thank you dear lover
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 13, 2017 19:50:20 GMT
I'm a 30 year-old AP and met my ex at work. Being aware of the attachment theory, it was clear to me from the beginning that he was the avoidant dismissive type. After 5 months of friendship in which we got closer and closer, he never made a step despite seeking my company and asking me out. So I did. It might sound stupid from me giving that I could see his attachment style, yet I like him so much. He is such a good, nice person and I really felt great around him. That does not happen much to me - I am very reserved person and like being alone. From early on, he told me he was not so much into me as I was into him. We were having a great time and I do not know why he said that, I figured he was just being insecure and I started to indulge. We were seeing each other once a week or max twice, even if working in the same building. Sometimes I wanted more, I wanted to improvise, but felt resistance on his side and I knew he needed space. He even agreed to meet my mom. After 6 months of dating, he told me again clear and straight that he is not so involved in this relationship. That was just how it was, and I should not demand to see him more. I was really hurt because I could not understand what he was missing. I then said we should break up if he is not involved, but he said for him things work differently. He had a previous relationship where he had lost his head for a woman, but it did not end well and that is not what he seeks; he also said that his most important relationship was instead one that lasted 5 years and grew gradually with time (in the end, he left her because he couldnt see himself with her for the rest of his life). That he wanted to give it a try between us, but could not promise anything. We went on and suprisingly the relationship got better after this speech. After 1month, we go together on a long weekend trip. For no apparent reason, I saw him gradually shutting off during the weekend and the last day he was so rough to me that he made me cry. Big fight, big apologies, everything wonderful again for a month. But this time, really wonderful. He moved to a nearby city and was texting and calling and being affectionate. After a month from the move, he gradually stopped contacting me. I asked him what was going on and got no answer ('I don't know..'). At the time I was having a terrible time at work and he did not mention anything anymore until I met the work deadline. From then on, he disappeared. He was not openly avoiding my calls, he was nice, but not like a boyfriend. When we met he finally openly broke up, with the only explanation that 'he cannot say now if this is gonna be The Relationship of his life'. I am broken now. I feel so lost and stupid because I allowed this in the first place. Because the few time I could spy into his walls, I saw something wonderful, and I was not able to take it out. I feel like I failed in something that could have been great, and I still wonder why I was not enough. I am sorry, I guess there are many more stories like this here...I just really need to tell someone because I feel so down, can't get up from bed and I do not know how to get over this. Ecila, Never feel bad for loving people. Your heart was open and willing. From now on, just try to see these folks for who they are and leave them alone or just be their friend. You'll notice they aren't very good friends either. I think that they have a limit for how much they can show up. Mine would reschedule dates a lot. I now see that maybe he is bi polar too, but he could only show up for a date if his mood allowed. When he did show up, he would light up the moment he saw me. He couldn't keep his hands off of me and it was pure bliss. But, he also said hurtful things. He just saw them as truth, but more emotionally connected people would know better. Once I commented don how great of a kisser he was. He said that I could thank his first girlfriend for that. Yep, he said that.... The classic DA pines over the ex that was perfect and might have a fantasy person they think would be perfect. Mine is like that. He pines for his ex that ghosted him after four years together and is in love with a woman who treats him poorly. Once he asked her to go for a drink and she said she would never "waste a babysitter on him". I wanted to yell at her for saying such horrible things to him, but thats not my place. He said once that he really cared about me but that I was more into him than he was into me. In fact he told me that I wasn't his type. We had been having amazing sex for half a year at that point. So painful. These folks are struggling so deeply. They do not know how to properly bond with others. They all have different reasons for that and it can look so many different ways. I am reading here about DA's that beg for their AP's back and I think what? Wow! Mine would never do that. Just know that your heart will be more peaceful now. Keep reading about these folks. Try not to put them down or put yourself down. That doesn't help anything. Everyone is doing their best with the knowledge they have. We as AP's have the depth to change and to love deeply. Look inside of yourself and find that love and only give it to people who will cherish it and give you some back. |
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