Post by alexandra on Jan 16, 2021 20:41:32 GMT
I'd recommend looking up fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses to stress and conflict. These can be automatic and not conscious or intentional, but do get in the way of open communication. Reading more about it may help you to depersonalize how you're receiving it, because it sounds like you're trying to make assumptions about the motivations. AP read into everything in a way that puts themselves in the most negative light possible, and even saying sabotaging intentionally/unintentionally implies you think you may be doing something to cause this.
I'd also take into consideration that if someone's stuck on the past but at the same time defensive and shut down about it when you bring it up, they probably get stuck because they never fully process things and don't know how to move forward. Which means feelings and past events, and any conflict around them, never got resolved and is still a sore point -- either because they're defensive about something they did wrong that they can't handle OR because they're repressing negative feelings they felt and bottling up resentment. You can't fix it for someone else if they are doing this. You can only say what you need to say and process through what you need to on your own, in spite of whether or not they'll participate in the conversation.
If the avoidant person in question is not interested in addressing their issues within themselves, there's nothing you can do to stop the cycle except stop participating in it yourself. It takes two people to continue it. It's a hard decision, but if someone's on repeat indefinitely no matter what you do or how you respond, they'll keep the cycle going for as long as the other person allows it. Because it's not about the other person, so the other person can't change it, they can only continue participating in it.
It sounds like in your situation, you've been trying to work through this for years without any change. You are correct that boundaries, and also consistency, are incredibly important. So if you feel you haven't been consistent and responding securely over time, and you're not ready to leave, I know anne12 posted a list of tactics for how to talk to an avoidant but I absolutely cannot find it! Anne, could you reply with it?
My personal opinion is, these tactics can work if the other person is already aware and wants to change for themselves. But if the other person has their heels dug in, isn't emotionally ready to change, is unaware of their attachment issues, or simply doesn't ever want to change, then these tactics perhaps will help you become a better communicator over time with other people, but it won't change the distancing and cycle dynamic with this specific person, and you don't want to further enable unhealthy communication. You can be consistent and secure with that person and experience the same cycles anyway, which may lead you to the same conclusion. But you may feel better about it too: I did all I could, nothing changed, this is simply not what I want and we're not compatible.
I'd also take into consideration that if someone's stuck on the past but at the same time defensive and shut down about it when you bring it up, they probably get stuck because they never fully process things and don't know how to move forward. Which means feelings and past events, and any conflict around them, never got resolved and is still a sore point -- either because they're defensive about something they did wrong that they can't handle OR because they're repressing negative feelings they felt and bottling up resentment. You can't fix it for someone else if they are doing this. You can only say what you need to say and process through what you need to on your own, in spite of whether or not they'll participate in the conversation.
If the avoidant person in question is not interested in addressing their issues within themselves, there's nothing you can do to stop the cycle except stop participating in it yourself. It takes two people to continue it. It's a hard decision, but if someone's on repeat indefinitely no matter what you do or how you respond, they'll keep the cycle going for as long as the other person allows it. Because it's not about the other person, so the other person can't change it, they can only continue participating in it.
It sounds like in your situation, you've been trying to work through this for years without any change. You are correct that boundaries, and also consistency, are incredibly important. So if you feel you haven't been consistent and responding securely over time, and you're not ready to leave, I know anne12 posted a list of tactics for how to talk to an avoidant but I absolutely cannot find it! Anne, could you reply with it?
My personal opinion is, these tactics can work if the other person is already aware and wants to change for themselves. But if the other person has their heels dug in, isn't emotionally ready to change, is unaware of their attachment issues, or simply doesn't ever want to change, then these tactics perhaps will help you become a better communicator over time with other people, but it won't change the distancing and cycle dynamic with this specific person, and you don't want to further enable unhealthy communication. You can be consistent and secure with that person and experience the same cycles anyway, which may lead you to the same conclusion. But you may feel better about it too: I did all I could, nothing changed, this is simply not what I want and we're not compatible.
