differences between dismissive avoidant and 'not into you'

This is a really good question.

Most of the time I'm really not into the men who are interested in dating me. So some of them conclude that I'm a great person but distant, unsure, troubled etc. It's really difficult to see that I'm not into them, it's much easier to think that I'm just not the right one at the right time and place.

The problem is of course I actually would like to remain friends with many of them, I can see their good qualities but also qualities that are deal breakers for me as a long term partner.

I simply do not sleep with men I'm not into, no matter how attractive. So that's a clear sign of not being into someone.

Another sign is boredom or lack of enthusiasm - sometimes I'm happy being with someone without doing much but a recent good-looking date was excruciatingly boring because of his bland isolated countryside lifestyle.

If I hold hands, get close, smooch, act affectionate, light up when I see him, I'm into him.

So with the recent DA ex, I could tell (perhaps wrongly) that he was into me - he made great efforts on dates, he is very affectionate and he keeps telling me he is physically attracted to me and that we have so much in common. He came back to me after I broke off once because he dropped off and didn't communicate for weeks.

After we got back together, again the pattern repeated. He didn't ask to break up, but I just can't see going 3 weeks with him gone on yet another vacation only a couple of texts and emails, after a great dinner where he cooked for his kids and mine, gave them presents, consulted me on his apartment arrangement, etc.

I just cannot accept meeting only once or twice a month in a LDR. After I wrote that I would like to retreat from this relationship with hardly any communication, he apologized that he couldn't keep up with my pace and that it's better to remain friends. So it is either he is truly DA or he isn't really into me enough to change. He had two divorces, and the second divorce was due to his ex not feeling that he cared about her, i.e. DA.

I had a taste of what it would be like with him for the long term, and better break off now than later!

While I still pine for the great times we had, when I read about how many such relationships washed out in the end years later, I am convinced I made the right decision.

I am also asking myself why I'm into him? He has the looks that I like, he is highly intelligent and I feel I have met my match, he is a successful businessman and that might have been an attraction too. All of these are superficial qualities in the end, and what some posters wrote ring true - why do we see such partners as The One even though they never stayed long enough to share life with us? It's a tough question to answer, and I am forcing myself to face up to it honestly. I am myself in a state of transition, and I could be unconsciously seeking stability.

However, most of the men on dating sites are too much into physical attraction and that makes me feel even more destabilized as their attraction is very obviously superficial, thus more ephemeral.

This DA seems to have more depth and I accept that he is also like most men, but his maturity and intelligence might make a difference.

I'm still confused and sorting out my thoughts, but one thing I'm sure of - I MUST forget him and move on. Dating others help, even if they are not the right ones. It really starts to dilute his presence in my mind.

Hey trevjim,

So I'm going to push back on this one, and say that being "not that into someone" despite finding them both attractive and easy to get along is textbook DA. A secure person doesn't date a girl who they are attracted to and get along with, while waiting around for someone else to "steal" his heart.

If all your exes would describe your actions and the way you treated them as Dismissive Avoidant...then chances are you're probably Dismissive Avoidant.

A lot of the language you use above, for example: "fall hard and fast" is exactly how Dismissive Avoidants expect to feel. And when the don't feel that way immediately in dating, it's the excuse that's used to end the relationship and push intimacy away.

Even without knowing all the details, I'd still wager that all the girls that you fell "hard and fast" for were Dismissive Avoidants themselves. It's also possible they were Secures who recognized your DA tendencies (even if they know nothing about attachment theory) and ended things in order to have their intimacy needs fulfilled in relationship with another Secure.

Don't let the media and social constructs of bullshit dating rules/concepts like "he/she is just not that into you" cover for what are really just human attachment issues deep down. No healthy and secure person in their 20s and 30s leads someone on. A healthy and secure person ends things after 3 or 4 dates using mature and kind communication, when they are certain there are TRUE compatibility issues.

You seem like you're pretty self-aware, which is awesome. Definitely just some food for thought. We're all works in progress in the attachment arena! And it's definitely complex and not all black and white.

It's really interesting because I've heard/read/had personal experience with DAs who are really, really attracted to other DA and BPD types. In fact, to the point where BPDs are the only ones who can make the the DA think "this is what love is supposed to feel like" or "this was what everyone talks about" (ie: fairy tale ideal), even after the relationship has fallen completely, utterly and spectacularly apart, they still romanticize the "good times" with that person.

This is so true of me too.

Get sucked in with the looks and sparks. Ignore red flags.

Feel ok until they start distancing and then i fall for them, by which time they have left.