Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2021 1:39:01 GMT
Hi all,
My first post is a lengthy one.
Been in a relationship with a suspected avoidant for 3yrs. At the end of 2 year they told me they cheated at the start (I believe they told me this to create distance and sabotage us due to various reasons at the time). The 1st and 2nd year were fantastic. 3rd year was difficult more sabotage (lateness, cancelling plans, holidays, accusations of control etc, they were flirting with others, still reaching out to their exes etc). They ended the relationship at the end of the 3rd year after relatives blamed their unhappiness and change in behaviour on me.
Ex refused to tell them the truth making me seem the bad person. We made up, since then we were in a secret relationship for 1yr all was fine expect for their relatives not knowing. When I raised concerns about concealing relationship my ex would sabotage and end it. We would then be on and off (privately) for another year before I would then enter into a very emotionally distressing stage of being ghosted for weeks at a time (very traumatising). Weeks / months later they would show up like nothing happened saying they wanted to check i’m ok (really they needed emotional support but disguise it as checking on me)….we get back to a level of closeness and they stop responding to texts, calls, always “busy” with work etc…only to pick at things I say or do (devalue me) Bring up past issues (I believe they are made up but listen and try to understand) I see it as a stopper to progress or me wanting to talk and work on things. Now (recently) these past few months have been good, they reestablished connection due to needing someone to talk to I supported them through it, we now have had a (connected) 7 months with limited physical contact due to Lockdown restrictions. Having supported them through many difficult times I called the other day as I had a personal loss a couple of days ago (I needed emotional support). They took this opportunity to verbally attack my character insisting its not their problem I shouldn’t be going to them for support and projected a lot of their negative behaviour on me: Controlling, manipulation etc (I have never done this). After all the support I have given them recently I was taken back and very hurt with the response.
They changed the talk from me needing support to complaining about a talk from last month (out of nowhere): It was discussing their reasons for (ghosting) so I can understand and avoid this in the future, if space required just say (its totally fine). But they were attempting to force me into a confrontation, I said this line of conversation is not helpful, they are upset and looking to fight, lets take 10 min to calm. They then told me “they hate when I do this, make them out to be the one in the wrong” (I said nothing at this point). They said: don’t ever want to see me again, don’t want to know me and I have just been a burden to them, they were happier without me. They then asked me my feelings, I start to talk and they intentionally hang up and block me on everything. (This cycle has happened before - I really love this person but don’t want to do this cycle again 3 years of it is draining) I want to reach out, but I feel it empowers them in their decision and it hurts me to say this I feel they get some sort of boost having control like this. To much space they come back (after weeks/months), check i’m interested we get close and they disappear again. They say they feel guilty and bad all the time but won’t explain why or try to work it out, they come back emotionally dump on me and leave. I love this person when things go well its fantastic but the sabotage is not far away when things go well and they don’t want it to work. I am lost.
My first post is a lengthy one.
Been in a relationship with a suspected avoidant for 3yrs. At the end of 2 year they told me they cheated at the start (I believe they told me this to create distance and sabotage us due to various reasons at the time). The 1st and 2nd year were fantastic. 3rd year was difficult more sabotage (lateness, cancelling plans, holidays, accusations of control etc, they were flirting with others, still reaching out to their exes etc). They ended the relationship at the end of the 3rd year after relatives blamed their unhappiness and change in behaviour on me.
Ex refused to tell them the truth making me seem the bad person. We made up, since then we were in a secret relationship for 1yr all was fine expect for their relatives not knowing. When I raised concerns about concealing relationship my ex would sabotage and end it. We would then be on and off (privately) for another year before I would then enter into a very emotionally distressing stage of being ghosted for weeks at a time (very traumatising). Weeks / months later they would show up like nothing happened saying they wanted to check i’m ok (really they needed emotional support but disguise it as checking on me)….we get back to a level of closeness and they stop responding to texts, calls, always “busy” with work etc…only to pick at things I say or do (devalue me) Bring up past issues (I believe they are made up but listen and try to understand) I see it as a stopper to progress or me wanting to talk and work on things. Now (recently) these past few months have been good, they reestablished connection due to needing someone to talk to I supported them through it, we now have had a (connected) 7 months with limited physical contact due to Lockdown restrictions. Having supported them through many difficult times I called the other day as I had a personal loss a couple of days ago (I needed emotional support). They took this opportunity to verbally attack my character insisting its not their problem I shouldn’t be going to them for support and projected a lot of their negative behaviour on me: Controlling, manipulation etc (I have never done this). After all the support I have given them recently I was taken back and very hurt with the response.
They changed the talk from me needing support to complaining about a talk from last month (out of nowhere): It was discussing their reasons for (ghosting) so I can understand and avoid this in the future, if space required just say (its totally fine). But they were attempting to force me into a confrontation, I said this line of conversation is not helpful, they are upset and looking to fight, lets take 10 min to calm. They then told me “they hate when I do this, make them out to be the one in the wrong” (I said nothing at this point). They said: don’t ever want to see me again, don’t want to know me and I have just been a burden to them, they were happier without me. They then asked me my feelings, I start to talk and they intentionally hang up and block me on everything. (This cycle has happened before - I really love this person but don’t want to do this cycle again 3 years of it is draining) I want to reach out, but I feel it empowers them in their decision and it hurts me to say this I feel they get some sort of boost having control like this. To much space they come back (after weeks/months), check i’m interested we get close and they disappear again. They say they feel guilty and bad all the time but won’t explain why or try to work it out, they come back emotionally dump on me and leave. I love this person when things go well its fantastic but the sabotage is not far away when things go well and they don’t want it to work. I am lost.
