How to learn self-worth to overcome codependency?

So I think a key in all of this is your longing for connection and feeling lonely.  During this pandemic...it is completely understandable that those cravings would go into high gear.   I still miss B.....last night I had a solid 30 minutes of missing him even though I know we were not a great pairing.  I just allowed myself to miss that connection while showing empathy towards myself.  Do you have friends you can connect with?  I have 1 friend who touches base with me every single day and that helps. 

Hi annes, I see in your other post that you said it's about you taking care of yourself, and no one else can do it. I think this is absolutely the key - it was also one of my turning points. Deciding that I will not rely on anyone, not even therapists or whatever, except myself to take care of myself was psychologically crucial. I stopped looking towards outside for help and validation, even when I didn't have any to provide myself. I didn't practice self-worth using therapy or anything, i literally got tired of being blamed by other insecures and for placing them before me. It got me nothing, not even money, so it was all a very pointless exercise that didn't earn me anything except trouble and pain. Self-blame is the same - it didn't help me achieve anything beyond pointless self-indulgence, so what for engage with it? It is not that I do not blame myself, but I simply acknowledge that I do, and leave it as is while focusing on being neutral about all things good/bad. 

At the same time, I decided that I may not deserve/entitled to good things, but I sure as hell don't deserve bad things. There's a difference between having no self-worth and self-hate, and getting to neutrality is critical - only from a neutral point can you decide where you want to go. Consider it like arriving at an intersection, and having multiple roads. I decided also to live in reality - what do I have and do not have NOW as a fact, rather than ruminate and focus on what could be or what I want i.e., fantasies. 

I don't think you need to believe in engaging actions and twist yourself into a pretzel into that belief. I didn't do meditation nor CBT (but I do have a psychology background so those practices weren't new to me), I only did lots of guided meditations that helped me sleep i.e., reset. a belief is simply a thought you keep repeating - stop repeating those thoughts and find new ones to think. You do not need to make yourself think thoughts, just pay attention to yourself and find those that occurs naturally to you. It's usually very very small and fleeting e.g., this shower makes me feel refreshed, oo this coffee hits the spot, it's a really quiet lovely afternoon. That is all you need to do - pay attention to your thoughts and practice picking up the good ones. 

There isn't anything wrong with feeling the void and craving connection - that is very normal and human, and it would do you good to acknowledge and accept it, and understand how this feeling has motivated your behaviors, thoughts and emotions in the past. Like I said for me, I got tired of being that version of me, and I want to move on to doing things differently even though I do not know what lies ahead. These days, I still occasionally feel the void and crave connection but I simply acknowledge that is how I feel and look for safe ways to fulfil those needs. The rule is I rather be by myself than engage in ways/activities/people whom I am not quite sure about - this means I spend alot more time by myself than I necessarily like, but it's better than spending time with those I do not feel safe with. 

I think I earned secure starting 2 years ago, when I made the abovementioned decisions. The shifts came rather suddenly as I was working on my self-worth like you've described - the truth is, the shifts don't happen because of some mechanical action/practices that others have advised. For me, it was listening to alot of youtube videos (thais gibson, abraham hicks, alan robarge), reading a ton of tinybuddha articles, watching alot alot of tv, sleeping alot, and keeping to a simple routine that involves only me (don't go on regular dates, don't plan to meet people much etc). I didn't do anything like get fit or meditate every day or went to the mountains to find myself - these are just some ways that you may find helpful to you, it's really more internal work that you can do everyday in your own way. Think of it like... wanting to be a good person. you don't need to be obsessing over what to do in actions to be a good person, you just need to focus on your thoughts and if you're a good person, you will act like one. To be clear, I'm not saying don't engage in CBT or meditation or exercise or whatever, I'm just saying don't pressure yourself into doing things because that is not the point at all.

You are right that can be a lonely journey because only you are on it, no matter how many friends/family/forum peeps support you. This is not meant to depress you, but to let you know that this is normal and expected; alot of us here are going/went through the same thing. It's been 2 years and it's still work in progress for me - it is not the case that the anxiety disappears completely when one earns secure. it's simply learning to live differently, making different choices, and having more capacity to react differently because you've broadened your repertoire of values, beliefs and skills through the work you're doing right now. In fact, you not only become secure but you also understand and remember what it's like to be triggered insecure, so it's not really a shift per se but simply just a greater understanding and lived experiences. I still feel anxious at times (I trigger myself) even though I have a great partner who really steps up. The difference is having much fewer triggers and being able to identify and manage the triggers in a healthier way. I strongly believe that my earned secure journey was improved/facilitated by finding another earned secure partner whom I am able to discuss many things with, but finding a partner was in part due to my own earning secure and in part due to sheer luck. I do not encourage finding a partner as a way to earn secure; it would be much more important to figure out yourself and who you are as a partner, and then find someone who appreciates that.