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Post by monmon13 on Feb 11, 2021 9:12:22 GMT
We’ve been dating for 6 months. We’ve decided to move I together and, on the day, when he
supposed to move in with me, he broke up with me in the morning over a text message. He said he want’s to
be alone. It completely broke my heart. I could sleep, I couldn’t eat. I was begging him to come back.
He didn’t care and was extremely cold. After a month I gave up and deleted him everywhere. He
came back the next day saying how much he regrets his decision. His dad died 4 months prior to this
so I blamed it on that and took him back. He moved in with me the very next week. He was really
trying by helping with the housework etc but there was always something missing I just couldn’t put
my finger on it. Fast forward 7 months.. He was talking about moving to another town, buying a dog
and a house together. We were saving money for it so we could move asap. He broke up with me 2
weeks before Christmas after I questioned why he doesn’t want to spend time with me or do
anything with me. He replied that he is doing the bare minimum because he knows that he shouldn’t
be in a relationship and he wants to be alone. When I’ve said that relationships take work, he replied
that he can’t be bothered to work on a relationship. This is 3 months before the day we supposed to
move (!)
I’ve discovered the attachments styles after he broke up with me for the second time and now, I
understand what was missing. INTIMACY. After his dad died there was no emotions, no sadness. It
kicked in 4 months later. His stepmother kicked him out and just left his stuff in the back garden.
Again, no emotions, no sadness. He never talked about his previous relationships. He said once that
he was seeing a girl for a year, but it never felt serious to him (!). He was up for one night stands
with no connections. He didn’t feel empathy. I would have to ask, ‘feel sorry for me’. I ended up
really depressed going through some problems with my job and my family. He said, there is always
something with me, my job or my family and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship where
everything is so negative – I had a month of troubles but nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a little
bit of support. He didn’t have contact with any of his family members (mother, brother, sister). He
had zero family values und understanding that families sometimes upset each other.
When he felt insecure, I would reassure him, but it never worked the other way round. He would
refuse to reassure me or just say ‘ I don’t know what to say’. Sex was very mechanical (very porn
like). There was no connection or intimacy. No bed talking. No foreplay (I’ve had foreplay twice in
nearly 1,5 year together even when I’ve asked for it). He would message me during the day saying
that he misses me and can’t wait to see me but then he would prefer to watch videos on youtube or
play games than to spend time with me when I came back home. He was addicted to video games
and podcasts (anything really to distract himself from feeling). He would often check out physically
and mentally from the relationship by playing video games (60+ hours a month. He had 5 consoles).
Any request to spend time with me was treated as a personal attack. He would make comments like
‘I wouldn’t mind if you had your boobs done. Or ‘Ooo, sad boobie’ when I bent over. He would talk
about the perfect bodies in video games ‘You know, the perfect body with slim waste and big
boobs’. This all led me to some serious paranoia and insecurity. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I
became jealous of the video games. He had his perfect girlfriends there and I was just, as he said
‘average’. He would never initiate sex. Even when I’ve asked for it. If I didn’t initiate it, we just
wouldn’t have sex at all. We went on a little romantic trip and he left me alone with a bottle of wine
saying that he is tired just to go upstairs and play video games on a console that he brought with him
(!). We would go places and do things but only if I’ve said so. He didn’t have the need to ask me out
on a date or to do anything with me. I really started kicking off over the games but at the time I
didn’t know why it made me so angry. When I said I don’t want him to play games where he is
having sex with someone (those games are very graphic) he said he is sacrificing for me by checking
what is in a game before buying it. 90% of our arguments was because of video games. Now I know
it wasn’t about the games but about how he made me feel about myself. I was never ever feeling
secure when I was with him. After an argument he would give me the silent treatment, refuse to
cuddle, and just go to look for a room to rent, then come back in the afternoon. I ended up
apologising for feeling insecure (!). He always had one foot out the door no matter what
commitments we’ve discussed previously (and no matter if it was a month ago or an hour ago). His
feelings would change from I love you so much to I’m moving out because I want to be alone in a
matter of seconds. He would never put up a fight for me (or anything in his life really). I never felt
like I’m on the first place. This relationship left me extremely broken, with low self esteem and just
confused. I became needy, jealous and obsessive. I still love him but I honestly wish I’ve never met
him. Oh, and let’s not forget after that 4 weeks after he broke up with me he went on Tinder (!) like
I’ve never existed.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 11, 2021 11:18:21 GMT
Hi there.....I am so sorry you had to go through such a painful relationship.....he sounds like he has something else going on besides attachment issues. If he was checking out often and struggled with impulsivity etc....he could have undiagnosed ADHD.
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Post by monmon13 on Feb 11, 2021 11:39:28 GMT
I don't know what else there is going on in his head. He would not talk about feelings. What I don't understand is why I still miss him. Clearly he was just messing me about but I'm still thinking should I contact him..  I just want to let it go and move on but I can't. I'm still dreaming about him and he is the first thing on my mind when I wake up |
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Post by dullboat123 on Feb 11, 2021 12:31:43 GMT
That's a lot of things happening in 6 months! I'm so sorry you're going through this and can totally understand the hurt. 😔
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Post by annieb on Feb 11, 2021 13:43:12 GMT
Girlfriend, just no. Please leave the video gaming, boob insulting silly man to the the professionals. And figure out why after a breakup you went back to someone like this. Find the answers about yourself. What compelled you to stay with a negatively validating person. What was it about you that needed that and where it came from. For you.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 11, 2021 14:27:39 GMT
I don't know what else there is going on in his head. He would not talk about feelings. What I don't understand is why I still miss him. Clearly he was just messing me about but I'm still thinking should I contact him.. I just want to let it go and move on but I can't. I'm still dreaming about him and he is the first thing on my mind when I wake up Are you seeing a therapist? If not.....that is the first thing I recommend. We can give you some tips, but to really get to the root of this, a therapist can help tremendously. Also lookup suggestion from anne12 on exercises and videos. A lot of people come here because they still miss/think of the person who broke up with them so you are not alone...it is quite common. If ruminating interferes with your work, sleep etc even more of a reason to get support from a professional. |
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Post by monmon13 on Feb 11, 2021 14:52:06 GMT
That's a lot of things happening in 6 months! I'm so sorry you're going through this and can totally understand the hurt. 😔 Hi, this is a total of a year and a half. 7 months of living together.. |
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Post by monmon13 on Feb 11, 2021 14:54:36 GMT
I don't know what else there is going on in his head. He would not talk about feelings. What I don't understand is why I still miss him. Clearly he was just messing me about but I'm still thinking should I contact him.. I just want to let it go and move on but I can't. I'm still dreaming about him and he is the first thing on my mind when I wake up Are you seeing a therapist? If not.....that is the first thing I recommend. We can give you some tips, but to really get to the root of this, a therapist can help tremendously. Also lookup suggestion from anne12 on exercises and videos. A lot of people come here because they still miss/think of the person who broke up with them so you are not alone...it is quite common. If ruminating interferes with your work, sleep etc even more of a reason to get support from a professional. Thank you for your reply. I think I'm still focused on all the good times we've had together. It wasn't all just horrible. I also feel sorry for him because I know how damaged he is. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 11, 2021 17:30:20 GMT
Are you seeing a therapist? If not.....that is the first thing I recommend. We can give you some tips, but to really get to the root of this, a therapist can help tremendously. Also lookup suggestion from anne12 on exercises and videos. A lot of people come here because they still miss/think of the person who broke up with them so you are not alone...it is quite common. If ruminating interferes with your work, sleep etc even more of a reason to get support from a professional. Thank you for your reply. I think I'm still focused on all the good times we've had together. It wasn't all just horrible. I also feel sorry for him because I know how damaged he is. My relationship wasn’t all horrible either...and I used to fantasize about all the good times as if there was a possibility of those having occurred all the time. What I think is important for now is to accept that you are not responsible for him....because it sounds as if you getting into a space where the lines of where you end and he begins are getting blurred. That is called enmeshment and many people with an AP or AP leaning FA attachment show signs of this. Part of how it is demonstrated is a focus on the other person’s issues. Whatever he is going through is solely his responsibility....it would better serve you to look at your own insecure attachment issues. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 11, 2021 19:12:23 GMT
Hi monmon13, I'm sorry you went through this -- but many of us have been there after an anxious/avoidant relationship pairing. It's best to look into therapist availability, and probably try to find someone with attachment theory expertise. Two other things to consider are trauma bonding (the intermittent reinforcement as things go from good to bad leaving you only hoping to go back to the good times can indicate this). And that if you are AP or anxious-leaning FA to endure this, it may reflect coping methods you learned as a child to stay attached to an emotionally unavailable adult caretaker. Someone who didn't give you what you needed but who you had to stay close to for actual survival, so this feels familiar because that situation shifted your attachment wiring to stay attached even when behavior towards you is completely unacceptable and perhaps abusive. On some level, AP/FA are often attracted to more avoidant DA/FA and vice-versa as there's an unconscious pull back to these familiar early dynamics and possibly a desire to try to fix them through recreating them and repetition. (This doesn't work, of course, because only the individual can fix their own attachment insecurities with help from knowledgeable sources, and recreating dynamics with someone with their own problems, especially someone unaware and placing blame, will just trigger them worse for everyone). His video game addiction, similar to a porn addiction, reflects his lack of emotional availability as he fears intimacy so much he can only feel sexually drawn to fantasy versions of women who have no needs. This is not a reflection on you, but as you learned, it's also not something you can do anything about and the more you try, the more it'll destroy your own self-esteem (or what's left of it). No contact is the way to go here. After a breakup like this, it's easy to feel like you're in a fog and ruminate over the ex. That's normal, because you're looking to calm your anxiety and fear of abandonment through reconnection. But longer-term, you can't do that with an emotionally unsafe person, you can only learn new tips and tricks (a therapist often has a useful toolbox) to rebuild your self-esteem and learn to emotionally regulate yourself instead of looking for it externally. There's also a chemical biological component in the first month or two after a breakup -- your body actually needs to break the attachment connection and it is painful as it's a type of withdrawal but will pass with no contact. Mourning and processing is a natural part of this, but it can last indefinitely if you stay stuck and avoid processing. However, insecure attachers often lack the tools to process trauma due to having to learn to tolerate it as children, which is why situations like this endure and why therapy helps. Read through other posts here as well. tnr9 recommends Anne's helpful exercises, and others have posted their similar relationship experiences. You'll get through, but to get back to yourself you've got to keep him out of your life. He has no respect for you, and you can't help him with his issues because they formed before you met and are unrelated to you. The way out of this is to face the emotions, knowing your pain is real and justified but with time they'll ease and you'll be able to process them with a better perspective. The trick is to focus on yourself in the meantime (facing past pain, getting tools to help unravel it even if it's painful but trusting the process) so that you learn how to heal when you're ready to move forward. |
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Post by doctora on Feb 20, 2021 11:04:06 GMT
monmon13.... I can relate to you so much. Everything you said about your relationship was in mine - iterated differently, but sooo similar. From the boobies thing to the lack of empathy to him trying but doing the minimum to the video games to the inconsistency....Your ex sounds extremely avoidant. I had a relationship like this that was great at first and then on and off like this for YEARS. 11 years. We were in our honeymoon period/starting to get out of it when I started to notice a feeling of something missing that I too couldn’t put my finger on. Intimacy. Exactly. I actually had very similar complaints to you. The distractions, the porn (in the first part of our relationship) . The lack of emotional responsiveness in real time. Anything and everything being a priority but me, etc. But also interspersed with love and fun and connection and even shared values/goals. For years we would take two steps forward, 1.5 steps back. And he was the one who would do the breaking up, and I would get upset, “heal”, and ultimately miss him, I’d reach out, rinse and repeat. Like you said, part of it was also that I felt bad for him - I loved him and wanted to save him from self-sabotage, since I believed he actually loved me but didn’t know how to be a good partner. I wanted to save the relationship, partly for me but also for him. I constantly found myself explaining and lecturing and instructing him on how to be in a healthy relationship, telling him that I needed to be supported and heard and loved. It sometimes landed but not much would change. It took years for me to discover attachment theory. When I did, I reached out again with a book on attachment theory, which blew his mind, too. I got so excited when he finally said he wanted to work on things. We went to couples therapy. Things went ok til they didn’t. An argument over something that wasn’t a big deal. So yeah. My ex dumped me for the millionth time after finally going to couples therapy, when we were talking about moving in together and getting a dog and getting married and having kids. I relate to that kind of whiplash. Yep. I thought we were getting somewhere finally, but no. I am telling you all this because ultimately I think my story may be a good cautionary tale for you. Your ex may miss you too, he may be attached to you, but he is actually, at this point in time at least, incapable of giving you what you deserve in a relationship. Simply put he would need to do a lot of work. You can’t do it for him. My advice: don’t “do” anything, you can say final words to him or tell him about attachment theory if you haven’t already, but walk away with your head high. Well, he did the breaking up do you may ask “how can I walk away from him?” Energetically you decide you’re done with this. Specifically, don’t reach out to him to reconcile. Let the break up happen. Set a boundary now for yourself and you won’t regret it. Besides the fact that doing so is essential for your healing, and will raise your self esteem back to more normal levels,believe it or not, it is important to do so for the relationship. It sets a standard, a signal that you are not OK with having not your needs met. (BTW, I suppressed my own needs in that relationship to protect the relationship, to the point where I didnt even fully understand what they were. Maybe you can relate?). If he’s incapable of becoming a better man, good riddance. But if he IS capable of it, by walking away and working on your own attachment stuff and focusing on healing, believe it or not you’re actually giving the best chance for his potential better man to come through, if it even exists. I was preoccupied with my ex’s potential. If only he would (fill in the blanks) things would be great. I was so convinced of it that it fueled me for years in chasing him trying to get him to hop on the self improvement/relationship improvement bandwagon. I thought if I got through to him, or did xyz, that something would improve, but fact is is he was not internally motivated at the end of the day and actually took me for granted because I’d reached out so many times. To this day, I have no idea what would’ve happened if years ago I set a boundary and walked away. But if I had, I would have my answer by now. He never, truly lost me, and thus far I’ve deprived myself of seeing how powerful my goodbye actually could be to him. Let yourself grieve the relationship. Whatever happens between you two in your lives, THIS chapter needs to end regardless. Truly grieve it and give yourself all the time you need to, be easy on yourself. Of course, working towards becoming more secure is gonna be your ticket out of this place, but grieving the relationship is actually part of that process. When did you discover attachment theory and what are you working on for yourself now?
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Post by monmon13 on Feb 21, 2021 15:39:34 GMT
Oh my god this is crazy. I've never dealt with anyone like him before and I was thinking I'm just crazy. I think that a lot of what I'm feeling at the moment is shame and guilt. This relationship brought up in me everything what is the worst. One day when he got up he started playing video games from 10am until 5pm. I've came a few times asking him if he is going to do something productive and he said no. I went for a walk, went shopping, came back home and he was still playing. I completely lost it. I was shouting, throwing all the shopping around. I've never behaved like this before. he left, sat in his car for a while then came back home. I calmed down and I've said to him that he should never be in a relationship if he wants to act like this. I've slept on the sofa. In the morning he said he is going to look for a room. I begged and apologized but he left anyway. He messaged me at 9pm saying ' Baby can we talk when I come back home'. He came back 10:30pm and I was just so upset again. I've ended up crying and apologizing. After every argument or sometimes even without an argument he would just sleep on a sofa. I was feeling more and more insecure knowing that he always has one foot out the door. If I asked for a reassurance saying that I feel insecure he would say 'I dont know what to say, I love you'. At some point I ended up apologizing for feeling insecure. I've also experienced some extreme emotions outside of the relationship. I really hated my job and I was really upset with my family. My brother would call me and I was just more and more upset every time. Since he is gone those feelings are gone as well? Don't get me wrong, my family is far from perfect and they do drive me crazy sometimes but it's nothing like before. I don't know if I've created those feelings because I wanted the attention from him that I wasn't getting. I also really started obsessing over the video games. He would be playing over 60 hours a month. I think I'm feeling so bad because I know that he was trying. He would make me sandwiches for work. I've had a cup of coffee on a table when I came back. He would message me during the day saying that he misses me. I really think that he is a good guy. Part of me thinks did I fuck up for being so needy. I've seen his pictures from his previous relationship and I believe he wasn't always like that. He was going places with his ex and they was always doing something with his and hers family. He even proposed to her. That's why I'm thinking is it me and I'm feeling so guilty. When we was living together he would come in for a cuddle and I didn't feel nothing. I was more annoyed if anything. If we went something it was just awkward most of the time. I was talking about my work a lot because we've had nothing to talk about. Sex was really mechanical and he would never look me in the eyes. He was talking about the connection that we have but I really didn't feel it. I know that he was trying to change and do things for me so I'm thinking am I the crazy one. Or is it that I just got fed up of always having to ask to go or to do things. He would send me a message that he misses me but after getting back home he would prefer to sit on his phone watching youtube than to actually talk to me or do something together. I'm sorry if it's all very chaotic. It's been 2 months since I've last time contacted him but I still think about him a lot and I do miss him. I've discovered the attachment theory a week after he was gone and I've been really trying to work on myself to become more secure. I really don't think I would want him back in my life but I can't get over him for some reason.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 21, 2021 18:45:53 GMT
Oh my god this is crazy. I've never dealt with anyone like him before and I was thinking I'm just crazy. I think that a lot of what I'm feeling at the moment is shame and guilt. This relationship brought up in me everything what is the worst. One day when he got up he started playing video games from 10am until 5pm. I've came a few times asking him if he is going to do something productive and he said no. I went for a walk, went shopping, came back home and he was still playing. I completely lost it. I was shouting, throwing all the shopping around. I've never behaved like this before. he left, sat in his car for a while then came back home. I calmed down and I've said to him that he should never be in a relationship if he wants to act like this. I've slept on the sofa. In the morning he said he is going to look for a room. I begged and apologized but he left anyway. He messaged me at 9pm saying ' Baby can we talk when I come back home'. He came back 10:30pm and I was just so upset again. I've ended up crying and apologizing. After every argument or sometimes even without an argument he would just sleep on a sofa. I was feeling more and more insecure knowing that he always has one foot out the door. If I asked for a reassurance saying that I feel insecure he would say 'I dont know what to say, I love you'. At some point I ended up apologizing for feeling insecure. I've also experienced some extreme emotions outside of the relationship. I really hated my job and I was really upset with my family. My brother would call me and I was just more and more upset every time. Since he is gone those feelings are gone as well? Don't get me wrong, my family is far from perfect and they do drive me crazy sometimes but it's nothing like before. I don't know if I've created those feelings because I wanted the attention from him that I wasn't getting. I also really started obsessing over the video games. He would be playing over 60 hours a month. I think I'm feeling so bad because I know that he was trying. He would make me sandwiches for work. I've had a cup of coffee on a table when I came back. He would message me during the day saying that he misses me. I really think that he is a good guy. Part of me thinks did I fuck up for being so needy. I've seen his pictures from his previous relationship and I believe he wasn't always like that. He was going places with his ex and they was always doing something with his and hers family. He even proposed to her. That's why I'm thinking is it me and I'm feeling so guilty. When we was living together he would come in for a cuddle and I didn't feel nothing. I was more annoyed if anything. If we went something it was just awkward most of the time. I was talking about my work a lot because we've had nothing to talk about. Sex was really mechanical and he would never look me in the eyes. He was talking about the connection that we have but I really didn't feel it. I know that he was trying to change and do things for me so I'm thinking am I the crazy one. Or is it that I just got fed up of always having to ask to go or to do things. He would send me a message that he misses me but after getting back home he would prefer to sit on his phone watching youtube than to actually talk to me or do something together. I'm sorry if it's all very chaotic. It's been 2 months since I've last time contacted him but I still think about him a lot and I do miss him. I've discovered the attachment theory a week after he was gone and I've been really trying to work on myself to become more secure. I really don't think I would want him back in my life but I can't get over him for some reason. Hey there...I would be curious about the story you are telling your self about him. It is certainly within your rights to say “I feel my needs were not being met”....”I feel like I was getting breadcrumbs of the relationship that I would like...massages, sandwiches etc...but, there was so much missing...intimacy, connection, communication etc.”. He does not have to be a bad man to be a bad fit and there are plenty of other men in this big wide world who could meet your needs if you were open to them. I say this because I have been right where you are.....B did not play video games....his choice of avoiding intimacy was to watch the flash...episode after episode....then he got into other series on Netflix. He also would drink a lot and vaped. I always told myself he had had a long day at work so he deserved to just chill....but there is a difference between chilling and zoning out. And just like the guy you are talking about...B had some really great qualities...he would make breakfasts every time he was over, he gave the best kisses and hugs, he took good care of me when he was attentive...but if I put it all together.....in reality...it was not enough....because neither of us was working on our core wounds...sooo he would check out and avoid...and I would get needy and desire closeness. There was no middle ground. If you want...you can click on my name and read my posts from when I started here....when I was trying to “understand” him so I could win him back. It took me almost 3 years to finally start to let those feelings of wanting him back go. |
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Post by monmon13 on Mar 8, 2021 7:34:26 GMT
I was unhappy with him but I'm miserable without him. I was thinking all weekend that I want to contact him. I know he left me twice. I know I should do myself a favour and move on but I can't do that. I feel this massive guilt that it's me who ruined this relationship. I know he was really trying and I was really not so nice to him near the end. How do you get over that?
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Post by alexandra on Mar 8, 2021 20:04:20 GMT
monmon13, you're still almost exclusively focused on him and not yourself here. That's why it's hurting so much. You're deep in your fear of abandonment and need for reconnection to someone who can't provide intimacy or any sort of relationship you want. Even worse, who took every opportunity to put you down and reinforce your insecurities! But you're clinging to him as an attachment figure, most likely because he triggered every one of your childhood insecurities. You haven't discussed your own attachment style at all. Have you been taking the other advice in this thread and turning your rumination inward? He's treated you terribly and that isn't your fault... but if you have an insecure attachment style yourself, then you have a pattern of getting stuck instead of fully processing emotional trauma. So your feeling miserable is the breakup plus layers upon layers of old attachment wounding you have that also is unprocessed but all hitting you at once, since the breakup stirred it all up. Looking more into why you chose a partner who can keep insulting and leaving you will be more fruitful for you over time than obsessing over finding ways to blame yourself. Blaming yourself and staying focused on him will keep you stuck and miserable, and you deserve better. Post here. Do not contact him.
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I just want to let it go and move on but I can't. I'm still dreaming about him and he is the first thing on my mind when I wake up