Thank you for your support. I haven't contacted him and I've focused on myself. I've created a group on FB where I can go and meet new people. I've started working out on my body and my mind.
As you can assume I'm anxious preoccupied. The biggest difficulty I've had was to admit that my ex is a dismissive avoidant. I wasn't happy in this relationship but I was often feeling sorry for him. I was also feeling quilty and ashamed of my behaviour. I remember a day when one Saturday he was playing video games as of 10am until 5pm. I completely lost it. I was throwing everything around and shouting. It took me a while to understand that nobody gets that angry after a first request. For some reason my mind didn't want to focus on all the previous times when I was asking for some time together.
When he broke up with me the first time he really broke my heart and when he came back nothing was ever the same. I've stopped trying and I didn't want to put much effort anymore because I knew it doesn't matter what I do or what I don't do at some point he will leave anyway. First time round I was doing everything to make him happy. I was the most understanding person you could have imagine but it didn't change anything so second time round I didn't want to try hard. I also always had at the back of my head that it can end at any time so I've never opened my heart fully again. I've seen how cold he can be and how easy for him it was to leave. He was keeping me hanging as well by not changing his fb status to single and occasionally messaging me. Second time round he just removed everything the same day.
Near the end I've started being snappy and I was picking up fights. When he broke up with me again I didn't try to stop him and I didn't cry. It was what it was. Of course I'm sad because I really think he was doing his best to be a good boyfriend. But I also understand that I can't build a relationship on ' sandwiches made for work'. I need more. I need intimacy. I need reassurance. Instead I was just getting more and more depressed. The more depressed I was the more annoyed I was with my work and my family. And when I got really depressed he left.
As an anxious preoccupied of course I focused on all the good things but after thinking about it was they really so good? No, not really. As a reminder to myself I've listed some things so if I have a need to contact him I'll read it.
~He didn't have contact with his brother or sister. He called his mum a ' B**th' and haven't spoken to her in years. I don't know if he had any aunts or uncles. I don't even know if his grandma is alive. I've never met anyone.
~I've never met any of his friends. He would talk about his best friends but would not see them for nearly 2 years. ( saying that, when he broke up with me it took him 4 hours to move in with his friend)
~ He would completely dismiss my needs. I've said many times that I need to spend quality time with him because sitting in the same room isn't quality time. I've tried different things but nothing was ever good so we would just sit in the same room, him playing video games and me cooking or doing puzzles. Every weekend was exactly the same. Him playing games until 9pm, watching a movie and going to sleep.
~ He was totally obsessed with video games. He had 5 consoles plus hand held consoles ( nintendo etc- at least 4 of them).We went for a weekend away and he would leave me downstairs with a bottle of wine saying that he is tired. When I went upstairs he was playing on nintendo! Which he took with him for our weekend away. I completely lost will to do anything and just went to sleep.
When we went out, anywhere really, and there was silence for longer that 30 seconds he would go on his phone to watch videos on youtube. Every single time. We went for a walk and when we sat down for a cigarette break, he would go on his phone instead of talking to me.
~ I would be talking to him and half through my sentence he would go on his phone to check something or to watch something
~ He would put me down by making jokes like ' o, sad boobie' or joking that he wouldn't mind if I had my boobs done. I wouldn't be thinking about it much if it wasn't said after a few previous comments. Plus his likes like anime ( girls with massive tits), twitch streamers ( girls with massive tits) plus video games where some of them are really sexist.
~ I was telling him a story that I go to one of the little shops where only guys are working so they are always happy to see me and he replied that he has the same at work. An average woman walks by and everyone is going crazy. ( again putting me down)
~ He would never reassure me. If I've asked for reassurance he would say ' I don't know what to say' I love you'
~ We would do things or go somewhere only if I've asked and planned it. He said he doesn't understand why does he have to ask me if we can just do what I want. ( It made me feel like I'm not needed and that he doesn't want to spend time with me)
~ He would say that he hates footbal. He would say that he hates wearing shirts. Looking at his social media he was with his ex to football games, of course wearing shirts. He would ask me before Christmas if I want a lego set. I'm a 36 years old woman who never ever expressed a desire for a lego set. As you can imagine that's his ex interests. Just bare in mind that we are talking about a relationship from 7 years ago. The woman in question is now married for 5 years. He would also say that she would criticize everything but to be honest whatever was said he would always take as critique.
~ I've had foreplay twice in a nearly 2 years relationship. I've asked many times but it would never happen. I was thinking that he just doesn't know how. He was addicted to porn previously so he was just doing what he was thinking is normal.
~ When he came back after he broke up with me the first time we actually started going for walks ( first 6 months we've been out-and I don't mean out out, I mean outside of my flat 4 times. I've blamed that on a fact that his father died so he didn't want to go out) he said that he enjoys it now. I've asked if he didn't enjoy going out before but he didn't answer.
~Going out was always awkward. Even shopping wasn't a pleasant experience so I've started going alone. He would just get really anxious and it would make me feel anxious.
~He wouldn't have his opinion on any subject. Or any views on anything. He would just agree to everything I've said and do whatever I wanted him to do. I suppose to avoid any kind of conflict.
I'm sorry this is so long but I'm trying to put on a screen my thoughts.
