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Post by anne12 on Feb 23, 2021 9:18:44 GMT
How do you learn to get help and care from other people, if you have learned to be strong and manage yourself ?
The cognitive part of the brain can learn to reach out for care even if one did not learn this as a child The emotional part of your brain has a harder time with this, but if you decide to be with the emotions that comes up when you reach out, then you can do it. The instinctive part can be difficult to convince that it is okay to reach out and ask for care and that it is okay get care, help and nourishment It is important to reach out for care from the people with whom, it is possible to get care from. Not all people are able or want to provide care! There may be shame associated with reaching out. Shame makes us feel wrong. Its in the instinctive part of your brain The emotional part of the brain and the cognitive part of the brain can say that it is okay to reach out. But the instinctive part of the brain can say, that you are too demanding, that you are needy, that it's embarrassing, that your friends and your partner will only get tired of you ect. You can learn to convince the instinctive part of your brain, that it is okay reach out by going into therapy, with a therapist who is interested in you. Therapists are like parents for rent. What you can do yourself is: Notice how the body reacts, when the mental part of your brain decides, that it is okay to reach out and ask for help. What reactions comes up in the body? If you get hard, harsh, angry, if you feel discomfort, if you feel like pulling away, then use the water tank exercise. By being strong, you can unconsciously signal to others, that you do not need others and you can prevent others from giving you care. You subconsciously signal to others that you can easily manage yourself. You can try to be aware of, when you are in the being strong mode. It sits in the autopilot. Where does the more feminine and receptive part of of you sit in the body - were there are more need for care and nourichment? - Does it sit In the heart, in the stomach, in the left side of your body (if you are the right handed - the left side is the receiving side of your body). You can also use the coming into secure attachment exercise. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39952/
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Post by anne12 on Feb 23, 2021 9:54:33 GMT
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/21793/Needs: How to get your vulnerability out of the shadow • Consider what other strategies (other than communicating directly) you have used to get your needs met. Do you tend to - charm, - manipulate, - sulk, - picture yourself that you do not need anything / anyone. • Reflect on which relationships / situations you hold back / do not express - directly and honestly - your needs: - Partner / on dates - Managers / colleagues / working relationships - Authorities - Friends - Family Write a list. • Choose one example and try using the step-by-step guide • Practice in general to be aware of feeling your feelings / needs / desires What is it I would like? What do I need right now? What do I fancy? What would I wish xxx could mind read and do without I needed to ask for it right now? Practice expressing your needs. Honest and vulnerable. Ask for something you have not asked about before. Or express a need, desire or longing - directly. Consider also what sweet words and declarations of love you hold back (by fear of being rejected or laughed at). Be brave and say it out loud How to ask:' When You feel angry, dissapointed, sad, frustrated, blocked, locked You havent recieved what you would have wanted You havent communicated your need clearly enough You have hoped, that the other person could have guessed your need When you manipulate (talking about the kids or the dogs need when it is your need), when you charm, when you sulk, when you withdraw, when you please Ask yourself what is my honest wish ? What is it that i am not getting, what is it that you havent asked directly about, what would you like/ suggest ?
What is it that you should risk (beeing seen as) (your shadow/shame) ? What is your historie with that word ? What is the gift with that word ? You can say: I really feel needy/difficult ect when I have to ...... Ask in an honest way for what you wish I would like to I will/ I want Will you What do you think about that ? Do you want to ... ? Be precise and clear www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=35kztOPhY1Y
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Post by anne12 on Feb 23, 2021 10:05:38 GMT
Attatchment exercise - recieving and giving:
Raice arms up and hold in air, as if reaching toward mother (longing)
Reach one out in front and close fist as if grabbing something tight and then bring arm in to rest, closed fist, against chest as if grabbing something tight and then bring arm into rest, closed fist, against fist as if not letting something go. (Repeat with Other hand)
With open palm and moving palm out in front of body , push and hold at a distance as if pushing away and keeping something at a distance but maining contact.
Give is to Extend arm and open palm downward. (As if giving something to someone) Recieve is to have arm extended with open palm up. People who can't give, also can't receive,
Crossing arms as if you are holding / hugging. People can be collapsed or puffed forward in a frozen way.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 23, 2021 11:30:37 GMT
The given up state:
There are two basic forces in the world.
One is Love. Also called "The Good". One of the many faces of love is trust.
When we trust and we are confident, we feel protected and we feel safe - and that makes us brave so that we dare to make big decisions in life. We lean into a knowledge, that if we fall, then someone has tied a safety net under us. We have a fundamental sense of being worthy of experiencing good things - and we actually expect it. In my terminology I call it living from a high vibration. Love is the highest feeling, condition if you want, we can live our life from.
We may at times have an experience that love is gone, that life does not catch us if we fall. But in reality, love is not gone. It is the only constant thing that exists. It is our confidence in love that makes us feel despair. It is so to say the xx (I forgot the right word) that removes us from love, not the other way around. But as we experience ourselves as the center of the universe, we believe that it is love that disappears from our lives, when we experience violent things.
But at any time we can choose whether we want to be trusting. No matter how much adversity we think life discovers, we always have the choice to be confident - or the opposite: fearful.
If we insist on choosing to be trusting, even if we have experienced something, that makes us uncertain, maybe even something that has traumatized us, then we WILL land on our feet again. We can learn to choose our feelings. Or - I'd rather say it this way: we can learn to take care of our feelings as if they were little troubled children. And then see what happens! Then they soften and stops screaming and screaming.
So you might be tempted to ask: Is there an adult present?
Is there an inner adult in you, who will kindly take care of all the fearful, troubled inner children, as these feelings are basically - and give them some care, comfort and ... love?
But what happens then if there is NOT an adult present?
What happens if these scared emotions do not get the portion of love they really need? What happens when a child is allowed to scream and no adults take care of it?
Then the child gives up.
The child abandons having its needs met. The child gives up fighting. It gives confidence in a child, that it knows that is useful to express its needs. But it gives up the idea, that it deserves love and care.
And on a deep level, the child decides to NEVER try to expect anything again. Or express needs. In some cases, it almost coincides with having any needs at all. It closes itself off.
As I write this, I can actually physically feel this deep grief that lies behind this abandonment with the child. I feel it as a knot in the solar plexus, heaviness in the chest, lump in the throat ...
And it is too violent for the child to feel so strong a grief - and also the anxiety not being able to survive, as abandonment is also basically associated with survivel. As children, our survival is indeed threatened if there is no one to take care of our needs.
Abandonment is therefore also a biological process in which the body prepares to die. To save resources, the system turns down the energy of life. The parasympathetic nervous system takes over and makes us apathetic and absent. The trauma has got stuck inside of us and it makes us less able to take in love and care. Not because it is not there, but because we have abandoned it. When we shut down to feel the grief and fear, we have also shut down to feel love.
When we cannot feel love, it is hard to believe in it. Then we believe more in the opposite of love, the fear, because it is deeper in us than love. We can say, that we have been coded to fear rather than to love. But then there is a need to install a good virus program if we have to experience love again, so that we can really feel it.
We can as adults have given up, if we have tried to reach out and reach out again and again to a partner, friends, family ect, without being heard and beeing met in our needs. Then we can go into a given up state - its like a freeze state, and we do not reach out.
We almost become avoidant to other people, relationsships and the good things in life that we can get with interacting with other people.
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