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Post by learningstill on Oct 17, 2017 1:07:48 GMT
Having a relationship with someone DA is traumatic and eye-opening. We all go through so much, but learn so much too. I am curious what has been people's experience when you finally break free but eventually talk to them again after a long no contact?
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Post by serene13 on Oct 17, 2017 3:04:37 GMT
From experience, I can say that even though the 'no contact' only went for a month or two at a time, I went about 9 months without seeing and speaking with DA in person. It was as if the bad stuff never happened, things felt fresh - but just for a moment in time. It took only a short time for the same problems and limitations to re-emerge. Unfortunately for me, I had to re-learn my need to just refrain from any interaction with this person  - sad. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2017 18:57:48 GMT
Yes I have done this twice - been really strictly no contact (enforced by me) both times for over six months and then twice been sucked back in. Each time it's been temporarily different and we've both been on cloud nine for a little while, before it all starts all over again.... the usual distancing, lack of contact, etc etc. This time I'm battling not to even mentally engage - it's hard but I feel I've mourned the loss properly now - rather than secretly hoping he will change.
The DA I was involved with for 7 years always tells me he's been thinking about me constantly, is sure things will be different etc - and I think we've both believed it will, but it takes more than wanting things to be different to instigate real and lasting change.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 7, 2017 3:08:30 GMT
My situation is more an intense ex-friendship than an actual romance, but...
In my experience, if you reconnect with the avoidant person it has the potential to be a pleasant and even meaningful conversation, but it isn't going to spark an ongoing connection that is somehow superior or more lasting than the past, even though you may secretly hope the reconnection somehow will be that sort of a spark. I know that I have this "Maybe if we reconnect, this time she'll stick around" hope and of course it doesn't work out that way.
So in short, if you do talk after a long break, try to be realistic about it. You might be glad you had the conversation, but the reconnection is also unlikely to last.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 13, 2017 6:56:50 GMT
This all seems so crazy to me. My DA hasn't contacted me once since early October. I sent a text asking if he had received my letter and he gave an answer. A cold one.
My counselor says that my DA is bi polar and has no central self. I wonder if a lot of these DA's have no to low central self. That is why they cannot understand that they are hurting us.
Its so sad. I very much care about my ex, but I am remembering my joy again and I didn't even know it was gone. Yesterday I spent the whole just enjoying my life. No worry whether He would or would not text or show up. That was so anxiety producing.
I can see now that while we were together, he just did what he needed to do to keep me "hooked". I doubt he did it to hurt me, but he did it to get his won needs met.
Ack, this world...these hearts and souls of ours...
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Post by satori on Nov 13, 2017 16:13:18 GMT
I ended my relationship with my DA back in mid-May after six and half years. It was a long arduous journey with her because she had been so incredibly emotionally abusive to me.
She reached out to me last Thursday via text to wish me a 'Happy Birthday, enjoy the cake'. She included an emoji cake in her text. She surprised me because I honestly did not expect her to contact me ever again. Initially, I felt incredibly nervous. I did not know what to do. In the old days I would have been happy. I also instantly thought that she was trying to hoover me back in again. That evening I replied back, saying 'Thank you'. The next day she replied back, 'Welcome' with an smiley face. I thought about it for a while and felt completely indifferent to her gesture. I have zero inclination to start anything at all with her. I never replied and deleted the text message. I finally moved on with my life.
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Post by onastring on Nov 13, 2017 23:04:42 GMT
Satori, thanks for your post. I'm so glad to hear you are moving on with your life. I can relate to your DA partner being also emotionally abusive- I am realising mine has also been emotionally abusive to me. I haven't wanted to admit it, but I can no longer ignore the facts.
I've been wondering how often people find DAs to have also been abusive in this way? Do you think they abuse intentionally and know what they are doing?
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Post by Jaeger on Nov 13, 2017 23:14:09 GMT
I've certainly had the abuse as well. Is it conscious for the DA? I don't think it is. It's a mechanism to create and maintain distance and fits in well with the fault finding that tends to be so prevalent in the dismissive avoidant.
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Post by mitchhed on Nov 14, 2017 0:47:12 GMT
I have to see my "ex" DA woman once a week, due to mutual friends. I've just been ignoring her completely. It makes me feel like a jerk because that's just not my nature.
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Post by serene13 on Nov 14, 2017 4:47:34 GMT
I've certainly had the abuse as well. Is it conscious for the DA? I don't think it is. It's a mechanism to create and maintain distance and fits in well with the fault finding that tends to be so prevalent in the dismissive avoidant. Just don't be straight with them that they are doing it to create and maintain distance - they will deny, deny, deny and call you annoying and presumptuous and anything else that comes to their mind........ |
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Post by onastring on Nov 14, 2017 7:33:53 GMT
Mitchled, I relate. It's so difficult to find ourselves acting in ways which are against our natures. It might not sound the same but I think I'm going to have to rehome two of our cats- my DA ex has moved away, distancing herself from me and the cats, two of which were hers and I can't afford to support them myself. I would never do this to an animal usually.
I struggle to believe there isn't some intention behind the abuse. Not all DAs are also abusive are they? There must be some extra dimension to those who are, hence intention...
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Post by 1wthlyf on Nov 14, 2017 14:25:19 GMT
I ended my relationship with my DA back in mid-May after six and half years. It was a long arduous journey with her because she had been so incredibly emotionally abusive to me. She reached out to me last Thursday via text to wish me a 'Happy Birthday, enjoy the cake'. She included an emoji cake in her text. She surprised me because I honestly did not expect her to contact me ever again. Initially, I felt incredibly nervous. I did not know what to do. In the old days I would have been happy. I also instantly thought that she was trying to hoover me back in again. That evening I replied back, saying 'Thank you'. The next day she replied back, 'Welcome' with an smiley face. I thought about it for a while and felt completely indifferent to her gesture. I have zero inclination to start anything at all with her. I never replied and deleted the text message. I finally moved on with my life. My five-year ex reached out to me in early August, after over 7 months post break that she initiated, to wish me happy birthday, via email. I too never expected such a thing as it was complete static for the 7 months. She gave the usual happy birthday wishes, at 5:30 a.m., and I responded that evening that I did have a nice birthday and I thanked her for her well wishes. I too didn't jump at the chance to respond, and I wasn't jumping for joy that she sent the email. I was mostly indifferent, and cautious. I didn't hear from her again until a month later when she was asking about a mutual thing about a car that has a loan in my name, but she's paying the loan. My therapist said that by me not asking anything with the birthday wishes, that I was changing the dynamic that existed between us of me 'chasing' her for attention for the five years we were together. |
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- sad.
