elisa
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by elisa on Mar 18, 2021 20:52:45 GMT
Hi everyone,
I’m new to this forum and very happy to read that I’m not the only one struggling. I feel very sad and low in my energy. And somehow feel like my life is slipping away from me because I’ve spent a year chasing someone who’s hot and cold with me. I’m an anxious preoccupied person and I suspect that he’s a fearful avoidant. I’m not sure because he was very depressed for a while and I can’t tell whether his behavior stems from his depression or his attachment style or even a combination.
In the beginning I sensed that he was interested although he never made a move. I was the one who suggested to go for drinks after 2 months of texting everyday. We had a couple of dates and then one day he told me about his past and opened up. I was okay with his past but the next day he pulled away from me which triggered my anxiety greatly. We had a conversation about it and he told me that I deserved better and that he wasn’t good enough for me. I was so sad about this but accepted it. We kept texting each other and seeing each other and eventually ended up having dates again. And then he pulled away again.
Since then he keeps contacting me and we see each other sometimes as friends. I don’t know what he wants and it’s killing me.
The reason why I don’t stop seeing him is because he was never mean to me or has blamed me for anything. We never slept together (I don’t know why but he never tried). Sometimes I feel like he wants to be with me and sometimes I think he doesn’t. When my anxiety is triggered I always think he wants to go back to his ex because they sometimes text each other too.
I don’t know what to do. Obviously I thought about cutting of all contact but that made me so miserable. Is there anyone who would be willing to give me advice?
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 18, 2021 23:35:26 GMT
Hi everyone, I’m new to this forum and very happy to read that I’m not the only one struggling. I feel very sad and low in my energy. And somehow feel like my life is slipping away from me because I’ve spent a year chasing someone who’s hot and cold with me. I’m an anxious preoccupied person and I suspect that he’s a fearful avoidant. I’m not sure because he was very depressed for a while and I can’t tell whether his behavior stems from his depression or his attachment style or even a combination. In the beginning I sensed that he was interested although he never made a move. I was the one who suggested to go for drinks after 2 months of texting everyday. We had a couple of dates and then one day he told me about his past and opened up. I was okay with his past but the next day he pulled away from me which triggered my anxiety greatly. We had a conversation about it and he told me that I deserved better and that he wasn’t good enough for me. I was so sad about this but accepted it. We kept texting each other and seeing each other and eventually ended up having dates again. And then he pulled away again. Since then he keeps contacting me and we see each other sometimes as friends. I don’t know what he wants and it’s killing me. The reason why I don’t stop seeing him is because he was never mean to me or has blamed me for anything. We never slept together (I don’t know why but he never tried). Sometimes I feel like he wants to be with me and sometimes I think he doesn’t. When my anxiety is triggered I always think he wants to go back to his ex because they sometimes text each other too. I don’t know what to do. Obviously I thought about cutting of all contact but that made me so miserable. Is there anyone who would be willing to give me advice? Hey Elisa...welcome to the forums. It sounds like he is dealing with attachment issues as well as depression. That may be driving him to say you deserve someone better because he can already tell that he cannot give you what you need....because he is not in a state where he can give that to you. It also sounds like being friends is difficult territory because sometimes he will act like he wants more (which is also what you want) but then he will pull away. There are no easy answers to this situation....but, what I would like you to do is to write down the traits you want in a partner...and then next to that write down if he shows them always, sometimes or never. One of the key qualities of someone with AP or AP tendencies is the ability to overlook when a love interest or dating partner is only giving you what you want sometimes and it can feel like cognitive dissonance because you are trying to hold 2 truths....there is the guy who shows up, treats you well, acts like he wants you....and then there is the guy that pulls away....it is really important for you to understand that both aspects are part of who he is...and the fact that he is that way has nothing to do with you. I am FA but I tend to lean AP in my relationships and am attracted to men who are FA and lean avoidant...so I do understand the attraction and the confusion. Could you maybe take a break from each other....just so you can figure your feelings out and decide whether being friends is ok. A 2-3 month break would likely give you some space to do some soul searching and it would not be quite as panic producing since you will talk again after the break is over. |
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Post by maryisback on Apr 12, 2021 2:49:08 GMT
I would listen to what he is telling you. He is likely saying you deserve better because he knows he can't give you what you need.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2021 10:04:43 GMT
Hi elisa ! I was primarily anxious preoccupied in my mid-late teens and very early twenties due to a really emotionally abusive household (mostly BPD mother) but have consistently worked on my attachment style to the point where I am now secure.
What I would say to you, is first consider that it is not always that someone is not mean to you or blames you but it is what they cannot consistently provide for you.
Another thing I would like to point out is that in my experience, FAs will not be openly criticizing of you or aggressive but will opt to withdraw or even show passive aggressiveness because they are quite afraid of open conflict.
Another thing about the anxiety, when my anxiety would peak back then I would take a step back and ask myself questions - are my thoughts reality or assumptions? What made me think that way? What is the worst case scenario if my thoughts did turn out to be true?
Granted this ^^ took time to work because I was so used to thinking in a certain pattern, but consistency is key.
Another thing is, when dating I would eventually try to find other sources for my needs (friends, family, even myself!) rather than get them all from a romantic interest so it did not feel like my world was "collapsing" when things went badly at some point.
I agree with others on this thread, please take what he has told you at face value, even if you think otherwise at the moment.
As for the no contact making you miserable, please remember that any change you consider unwelcome will make you feel terrible for a while, but ask yourself this as well - is maintaining contact in any way possible with him right now pleasant?
This is what has helped me personally, and I hope you find some parts useful as well!
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