|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 24, 2021 2:44:31 GMT
Hi there...first...I am sorry you are going through this...5 years living together is a long time. I know it would make so much more sense if all of this could be neatly tied under attachment theory but it does not sound like she is in deactivation. In fact, it sounds more like some other things were going on....especially with her depression and then waking you up and asking if you would hit her. Unfortunately...there isn’t enough to really say what that was tied to or why she just up and left, not only you but her dog. That to me is another reason I think there is more going on....I am FA and I would never leave my pet behind. I am curious what your therapist thinks.
|
|
simon
New Member
Posts: 46
|
Post by simon on Mar 24, 2021 9:01:18 GMT
If you had all the answers, if you could understand what in her past caused her to be this way, if you could provide a diagnosis to call this something scientific, if you could know the mechanism by which she became this way and would need to act and treat you this way... to have that "label".......... would it really change anything in how she treats you, and how incompetent she is as a partner that meets your needs?
It sounds like from the beginning there were warning signs and red flags and elements of her behavior that were lacking for you and your needs. Why did you ignore that? Why did you allow that to happen? Why did you lower your boundaries and standards to put up with that for 7 years? Why did you repeatedly try to get love and affirmation from someone that obviously couldn't give it to you? Why was it important for you to try and try and try harder and give everything and "win" her love over, to overcome that challenge?
Has someone in your past not loved you and accepted you, like a parent, and now you are projecting that imago construct into your adult life and replaying it out? Are you trying to get love from someone that can't give it to you, in order to "prove" your worth to yourself, because it would in an indirect way "heal" that older wound from that other person for whom you never felt good enough and deserving of their love, so that if you could now make it happen in the present it would prove that you deserved their love all along? Is that the wound now getting re-opened, the feeling again that you weren't "good enough" although you went above and beyond?
Those are the real questions. Let her go, the lessons are within you.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 24, 2021 13:21:05 GMT
If you had all the answers, if you could understand what in her past caused her to be this way, if you could provide a diagnosis to call this something scientific, if you could know the mechanism by which she became this way and would need to act and treat you this way... to have that "label".......... would it really change anything in how she treats you, and how incompetent she is as a partner that meets your needs? It sounds like from the beginning there were warning signs and red flags and elements of her behavior that were lacking for you and your needs. Why did you ignore that? Why did you allow that to happen? Why did you lower your boundaries and standards to put up with that for 7 years? Why did you repeatedly try to get love and affirmation from someone that obviously couldn't give it to you? Why was it important for you to try and try and try harder and give everything and "win" her love over, to overcome that challenge? Has someone in your past not loved you and accepted you, like a parent, and now you are projecting that imago construct into your adult life and replaying it out? Are you trying to get love from someone that can't give it to you, in order to "prove" your worth to yourself, because it would in an indirect way "heal" that older wound from that other person for whom you never felt good enough and deserving of their love, so that if you could now make it happen in the present it would prove that you deserved their love all along? Is that the wound now getting re-opened, the feeling again that you weren't "good enough" although you went above and beyond? Those are the real questions. Let her go, the lessons are within you. Dang, yeah. I mean for sure I had a rough upbringing. Perhaps it was because I fell in love with her when I was 16. I've taken some attachment tests and I'm secure in all of my relationships but slightly pre-occupied. You're right, though. I do need to understand myself better. Thank you for your post, Simon. However, what I am feeling in terms of this loss isn't that I wasn't good enough. I for sure made my own mistakes in the relationship and we seemed to have co-habituated well when it was going well. I think I am disappointed that I felt like I grew in the relationship, and she did not. That stings. But I am not blaming myself too much. We all have room for growth and I understand that she simply cannot do that with me there. Because the tests are self taken...I do not put much credibility in them. For instance, when I took the test...I tested Secure with some AP but while in therapy and here on the boards...I realized that I am in fact FA..it is just that my avoidant side did not come out due to choosing partners who are avoidant. I find the best way to determine your attachment is by looking at the partners you choose along with a comprehensive understanding of your childhood. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 24, 2021 14:54:12 GMT
Because the tests are self taken...I do not put much credibility in them. For instance, when I took the test...I tested Secure with some AP but while in therapy and here on the boards...I realized that I am in fact FA..it is just that my avoidant side did not come out due to choosing partners who are avoidant. I find the best way to determine your attachment is by looking at the partners you choose along with a comprehensive understanding of your childhood. Understandable. I have been in therapy for a few months. I certainly have anxiety issues, but I can confidently say that I was never needy in the relationship and gave my introverted ex sapce. I also wanted her to be included in my activities when she seemed interested. However, the apathy seemed like a trend and over time I ceased to ask her if she wanted to do anything because her level of passion did not meet mine. I enjoy being vulnerable with people as I believe it helps grow the human experience - we are unique and can learn from our fears and anxieties. It's strange but I didn't know my partners biggest fears. It still wigs me out that she never shared any memories. It was like she just didn't have any and was living in the present everyday. I have come to terms with my rough childhood and my parents and I have a great relationship. They apologized for the abuse and I don't hold it against them. In terms of my ex-partner, her father had bouts of severe depression according to her mother (and his ex-wife) who I am in touch with. She I suspect is a narcissist and told me she has had bouts of panic attacks in her life. My ex was the youngest and did not receive much love from her mother or father and was actually used as a dumping ground for their emotions following the fallout of her parents divorce. I love her and have to let her go. I miss her and wish her well. I'm just not sure the grass is greener on the other side. I'm not sure her running away from our life is going to help her gain her independence and fix her codependency issues, but who am I to say? What I am curious about is why you stayed with her for 5 years when she clearly was not ready/equally invested. That is where I think the analysis would have the most impact. |
|
hdv
New Member
Posts: 10
|
Post by hdv on Mar 24, 2021 15:30:41 GMT
Understandable. I have been in therapy for a few months. I certainly have anxiety issues, but I can confidently say that I was never needy in the relationship and gave my introverted ex sapce. I also wanted her to be included in my activities when she seemed interested. However, the apathy seemed like a trend and over time I ceased to ask her if she wanted to do anything because her level of passion did not meet mine. I enjoy being vulnerable with people as I believe it helps grow the human experience - we are unique and can learn from our fears and anxieties. It's strange but I didn't know my partners biggest fears. It still wigs me out that she never shared any memories. It was like she just didn't have any and was living in the present everyday. I have come to terms with my rough childhood and my parents and I have a great relationship. They apologized for the abuse and I don't hold it against them. In terms of my ex-partner, her father had bouts of severe depression according to her mother (and his ex-wife) who I am in touch with. She I suspect is a narcissist and told me she has had bouts of panic attacks in her life. My ex was the youngest and did not receive much love from her mother or father and was actually used as a dumping ground for their emotions following the fallout of her parents divorce. I love her and have to let her go. I miss her and wish her well. I'm just not sure the grass is greener on the other side. I'm not sure her running away from our life is going to help her gain her independence and fix her codependency issues, but who am I to say? What I am curious about is why you stayed with her for 5 years when she clearly was not ready/equally invested. That is where I think the analysis would have the most impact. Because her strengths were amazing and she was an amazing best friend and did listen to me when I needed to vent. It wasn't until the 4th year I realized her lack of intimacy and passion were bothering me. I simply thought it would change over time and we would meld into each other overtime. She's extremely bright, funny, beautiful, and our sex life was pretty good. IT just bothered me that I always had to initiate everything and eventually it was causing me anxiety and damaging my self-esteem. She never judged me, either. We had fun when we had fun. |
|
