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Post by tnr9 on Apr 25, 2021 19:38:22 GMT
amber , sorry to hear this but it's okay for you to end it if it's not working. Personally, I can't date AP men because they can expect that you pretty constantly regulate them emotionally, and feeling gross is the exact way to describe it. It's bad enough to be the co-dependent who needs that (from the standpoint of us being AP or recovering AP who are trying to stop being co-dependent and practice having healthy boundaries and don't need the reinforcement of unhealthy dynamics)... add in having to be co-dependent in an additional type of way to soothe your anxious partner and it's so much to deal with. I feel bad that I recognize what they're going through because I remember being the same way and why and how hard it is to get past, but that doesn't mean the situation works romantically. Plus, as you know because you've been doing the work too, a lot of it is still his work to do on his own. If you're much further ahead than him in your process it's difficult to stay connected and grow together. Anyway, long-winded way of saying don't judge yourself harshly or get too frustrated about having the urge to end things. It still creates space for you to find a better match who is closer to where you're at and what you need, and for the guy to do so as well. Thanks so much! I don’t really feel bad.i do feel sorry for him because he wears his heart on his sleeve and seems super sensitive soul but I don’t want to feel sorry for a partner and know this is not a good dynamic. The icky feeling is interesting...I can feel an enmeshing quality from him and I think that’s why I feel icky. I’m not going to continue to see him romantically. Thanks for your insight x I think the most important and most caring thing you can do is let him know that there is no opportunity for another chance, because if he is this fond of you...he is going to try to win you back or hope that by being friends he can somehow show you that he has changed. I would not feel sorry for him.....I would simply show him what a break up involving someone earning secure looks like. Hopefully he will take more time to get deeper into therapy and into self regulating. |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 25, 2021 22:27:48 GMT
I was also thinking that if you were dating him when you wrote your first post about feeling more avoidant, it may be related. Dating anyone significantly more avoidant or anxious than you will usually make you lean the opposite even if you're secure. As recovering AP, I feel like we are very conscious of practicing leaving if someone is extremely avoidant and unavailable because we usually have histories of sticking around in situations like that which didn't work out. Getting more anxious never led to anything good, so the more secure you get the more willing you may be to walk away instead from an avoidant man. Because dating someone who swings extremely anxious is threatening boundaries from an enmeshment perspective, it can be a big turn off but one another AP will be less familiar with romantically. So retreating into self-protection instead in response to the "ick" may feel like unfamiliar avoidance, but it's temporary and situational. I agree with tnr9, but if he's not ready he won't take the secure breakup example to heart no matter what you do. A few years ago, I ended things with an extremely AP guy I was barely even dating who got obsessed with me. I was almost secure at that point so I tried REALLY hard to be open, vulnerable, and fair while having healthy boundaries, and I don't think it helped him any. For example, he wanted to talk endlessly about no longer seeing each other even though it wasn't even a handful of dates. I gave him a "closure" conversation that he asked for and he twisted up everything I said into what he wanted to hear. After that, he ignored my boundaries to the point that I finally replied that he wasn't respecting anything I'd said so I was going to stop responding. He kept reaching out, intermittently for months, to see if he could change my mind and eventually stopped because I never replied. Again, he was very far down the AP anxious spectrum and had only just started seeking professional help so I am not saying that will happen in your situation. But that if it does, stick to your boundaries because there's really nothing you can do about it. (In his case, it wasn't even about me... it was about an ex. So I really couldn't do anything for him!) |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 26, 2021 14:23:41 GMT
I agree with tnr9, but if he's not ready he won't take the secure breakup example to heart no matter what you do. A few years ago, I ended things with an extremely AP guy I was barely even dating who got obsessed with me. I was almost secure at that point so I tried REALLY hard to be open, vulnerable, and fair while having healthy boundaries, and I don't think it helped him any. For example, he wanted to talk endlessly about no longer seeing each other even though it wasn't even a handful of dates. I gave him a "closure" conversation that he asked for and he twisted up everything I said into what he wanted to hear. After that, he ignored my boundaries to the point that I finally replied that he wasn't respecting anything I'd said so I was going to stop responding. He kept reaching out, intermittently for months, to see if he could change my mind and eventually stopped because I never replied. Again, he was very far down the AP anxious spectrum and had only just started seeking professional help so I am not saying that will happen in your situation. But that if it does, stick to your boundaries because there's really nothing you can do about it. (In his case, it wasn't even about me... it was about an ex. So I really couldn't do anything for him!)
And if the above is the case....I would break all ties/go completely no contact.....that is truly the only way with a very AP person. He might get ticked at you....but having been in that obsessed space more then once, it truly is the only way to move on. If I had not defriended B, I would likely still be obsessing on him.
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