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Post by kayhatch27 on Mar 31, 2021 18:24:27 GMT
Hi, I'm brand new here and I've been looking for somewhere to talk about an experience I'm having, since I'm literally too ashamed to discuss it with anyone in my life and I don't know when I'll be able to see my therapist next. I don't see much support for fearful avoidant attachment style, so this was nice to find and I'm looking forward to exploring more.
Pretty sure I came by my attachment style because of an alcoholic mother (still supportive and good, but inconsistent) and neglectful father who was kind, but not in my life much, and I felt he never really knew me or made me feel wanted. This more than anything else has haunted my relationships with men all my life. Even as I improve, sometimes a trigger can knock me down so far, I don't see a way back up. That's what's happening now.
I feel threatened by one of my close friends is falling in love with someone and it's opened up this monstrous pit of shame that seems absolutely endless. This triggers me because what little time I had with my father as a child was usually spent accompanying him on errands, playing by myself or with my brother while my dad paid attention to his most recent girlfriend or other kids (he worked at a home for at-risk boys and I remember him paying more attention to them than me). I feel now what I must have been unable to feel then, like I'm being shown how unworthy I am of attention, how someone else is always more important than me, and I don't really matter.
The real situation is just that my friend is in love and I'm not with anyone, so I'm both afraid of losing him, that he will come to value this new person more (and feeling, wrongly, that I will therefore lose my value) and comparing myself to him, hating myself for being "too broken" for a healthy relationship. It's true that I have probably been depending on my friend in ways I shouldn't have been, but also, my friend doesn't love me any less or treat me any differently. He hasn't ignored me in favor of this new person so far, or made me feel less than in any way. All it is is my trauma resurfacing, trauma I thought I was healing pretty well, and fear that I will lose my closest friend and be alone. I'm not dating because I'm obviously not in a good place for it at the moment. Where I'm at now, the thought of dating only makes me feel shame and terror and I'm too exhausted from COVID and this situation to unpack that right now.
TL;DR: I feel shame that I feel envious of my friend who's in love, instead of just being happy for him. (I am happy for him, but I'm ashamed that his happiness is causing my pain. I feel like a terrible friend.) I feel shame that I'm feeling abandoned, rejected, unimportant, and invisible over this, because I'm an adult, not a child. I'm ashamed that I'm not strong enough right now to not let this get to me. I feel shame that I think I'm not "good enough" to be with anyone, that I'm embarrassed to be single, even though I know better (and before moving in with my friend, I felt fine being alone). And the shame just keeps snowballing, to the point where I wish I didn't exist. Not in a suicidal way, but definitely in a "it would be better to never have existed than to be like this."
I would never say or think these things about anyone else who was in the same situation. And I feel shame about that too, that while I try to show myself as much compassion as I can, I still feel like I'm not enough. Not enough for a relationship, not enough for my father, not enough for me. I hope this will pass soon and that I can find some helpful things here. I'm very, very tired.
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Post by anne12 on Mar 31, 2021 19:17:09 GMT
Hi Theres a method called the paradoxial change method you can try because what you resist persist. You accept what is right now. For example, you accept yourself, your thoughts, reactions, and feelings as they are in this moment, whether positive, negative, or neutral! It is perceived as self-love and increases your self-esteem and foundation. So when you stand by yourself, you get more strength! From here, the negative things have the opportunity to change, and they will typically do so jebkinnisonforum.com/post/23904/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/23907/ - Home assignment for the next 21 days Example: Allow the feeling to be there right now and accept how ever you are feeling and what you are thinking - also if you think that you should feel differently. Excaterate what ever that gives you the feeling: Ex you think/feel that your friend is abandoning you/dissapointening you: You can say out loud: (when you are alone and even if it feels wierd) "I want you to be here with me ALL the time. I want you to be avaliable to me all the time and not avaliable to other people or this girl you have met. I do not want you to think about anybody else or anything else than me!"Feel it in your body and in your mind. How does it feel to say this out loud ? Often times you will feel a shift and things will start to change if you do the exercise wholeheartedly. But not because you want to change your negative emotions but because you want to stand by yourself. This is where your power and your inner harmony lies. And from here your negative beliefs can start to shift. They will do this the moment that you accept them. Which inner child state do you think that you are reacting from - how old is she ? - when the fear of abandoment comes up exercise - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39955/- tips of what to do when you are in sympathetic or parasympathetic state jebkinnisonforum.com/post/13006/Do you have any secure family members, animals, friends, fantasi figures you can use as a secure base - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/12850/Living for my own sake exercise jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40058/ |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2021 9:35:08 GMT
Hi, I'm brand new here and I've been looking for somewhere to talk about an experience I'm having, since I'm literally too ashamed to discuss it with anyone in my life and I don't know when I'll be able to see my therapist next. I don't see much support for fearful avoidant attachment style, so this was nice to find and I'm looking forward to exploring more.
Pretty sure I came by my attachment style because of an alcoholic mother (still supportive and good, but inconsistent) and neglectful father who was kind, but not in my life much, and I felt he never really knew me or made me feel wanted. This more than anything else has haunted my relationships with men all my life. Even as I improve, sometimes a trigger can knock me down so far, I don't see a way back up. That's what's happening now.
I feel threatened by one of my close friends is falling in love with someone and it's opened up this monstrous pit of shame that seems absolutely endless. This triggers me because what little time I had with my father as a child was usually spent accompanying him on errands, playing by myself or with my brother while my dad paid attention to his most recent girlfriend or other kids (he worked at a home for at-risk boys and I remember him paying more attention to them than me). I feel now what I must have been unable to feel then, like I'm being shown how unworthy I am of attention, how someone else is always more important than me, and I don't really matter.
The real situation is just that my friend is in love and I'm not with anyone, so I'm both afraid of losing him, that he will come to value this new person more (and feeling, wrongly, that I will therefore lose my value) and comparing myself to him, hating myself for being "too broken" for a healthy relationship. It's true that I have probably been depending on my friend in ways I shouldn't have been, but also, my friend doesn't love me any less or treat me any differently. He hasn't ignored me in favor of this new person so far, or made me feel less than in any way. All it is is my trauma resurfacing, trauma I thought I was healing pretty well, and fear that I will lose my closest friend and be alone. I'm not dating because I'm obviously not in a good place for it at the moment. Where I'm at now, the thought of dating only makes me feel shame and terror and I'm too exhausted from COVID and this situation to unpack that right now.
TL;DR: I feel shame that I feel envious of my friend who's in love, instead of just being happy for him. (I am happy for him, but I'm ashamed that his happiness is causing my pain. I feel like a terrible friend.) I feel shame that I'm feeling abandoned, rejected, unimportant, and invisible over this, because I'm an adult, not a child. I'm ashamed that I'm not strong enough right now to not let this get to me. I feel shame that I think I'm not "good enough" to be with anyone, that I'm embarrassed to be single, even though I know better (and before moving in with my friend, I felt fine being alone). And the shame just keeps snowballing, to the point where I wish I didn't exist. Not in a suicidal way, but definitely in a "it would be better to never have existed than to be like this."
I would never say or think these things about anyone else who was in the same situation. And I feel shame about that too, that while I try to show myself as much compassion as I can, I still feel like I'm not enough. Not enough for a relationship, not enough for my father, not enough for me. I hope this will pass soon and that I can find some helpful things here. I'm very, very tired.
Hi and welcome from another FA. I completely understand the feelings of shame but I also see a very legitimate need being expressed....to be chosen and cherished. This jealousy you are feeling is stemming from that legitimate need and instead of trying to stop being jealous....I think it would be an amazing gift if you could sit with that child version of yourself and acknowledge how much it hurts. 1. That someone you have grown very close to is choosing to spend more time with someone else and 2. That you currently do not have a significant other at this time. Both are very legitimate reasons to feel sad, jealous, threatened and even angry. One thing that helped me with ruminating thoughts that just would not end has been to be diagnosed with low serotonin and put on an SSRI. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that regulates mood and before I started my medication...I was stuck in so many painful loops of thoughts and feelings that I knew were not helpful but I felt powerless in stopping them. If you want to speak more about that, you are welcome to PM me. |
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