Shame and trauma triggers Mar 31, 2021 18:24:27 GMT
Post by kayhatch27 on Mar 31, 2021 18:24:27 GMT
Hi, I'm brand new here and I've been looking for somewhere to talk about an experience I'm having, since I'm literally too ashamed to discuss it with anyone in my life and I don't know when I'll be able to see my therapist next. I don't see much support for fearful avoidant attachment style, so this was nice to find and I'm looking forward to exploring more.
Pretty sure I came by my attachment style because of an alcoholic mother (still supportive and good, but inconsistent) and neglectful father who was kind, but not in my life much, and I felt he never really knew me or made me feel wanted. This more than anything else has haunted my relationships with men all my life. Even as I improve, sometimes a trigger can knock me down so far, I don't see a way back up. That's what's happening now.
I feel threatened by one of my close friends is falling in love with someone and it's opened up this monstrous pit of shame that seems absolutely endless. This triggers me because what little time I had with my father as a child was usually spent accompanying him on errands, playing by myself or with my brother while my dad paid attention to his most recent girlfriend or other kids (he worked at a home for at-risk boys and I remember him paying more attention to them than me). I feel now what I must have been unable to feel then, like I'm being shown how unworthy I am of attention, how someone else is always more important than me, and I don't really matter.
The real situation is just that my friend is in love and I'm not with anyone, so I'm both afraid of losing him, that he will come to value this new person more (and feeling, wrongly, that I will therefore lose my value) and comparing myself to him, hating myself for being "too broken" for a healthy relationship. It's true that I have probably been depending on my friend in ways I shouldn't have been, but also, my friend doesn't love me any less or treat me any differently. He hasn't ignored me in favor of this new person so far, or made me feel less than in any way. All it is is my trauma resurfacing, trauma I thought I was healing pretty well, and fear that I will lose my closest friend and be alone. I'm not dating because I'm obviously not in a good place for it at the moment. Where I'm at now, the thought of dating only makes me feel shame and terror and I'm too exhausted from COVID and this situation to unpack that right now.
TL;DR: I feel shame that I feel envious of my friend who's in love, instead of just being happy for him. (I am happy for him, but I'm ashamed that his happiness is causing my pain. I feel like a terrible friend.) I feel shame that I'm feeling abandoned, rejected, unimportant, and invisible over this, because I'm an adult, not a child. I'm ashamed that I'm not strong enough right now to not let this get to me. I feel shame that I think I'm not "good enough" to be with anyone, that I'm embarrassed to be single, even though I know better (and before moving in with my friend, I felt fine being alone). And the shame just keeps snowballing, to the point where I wish I didn't exist. Not in a suicidal way, but definitely in a "it would be better to never have existed than to be like this."
I would never say or think these things about anyone else who was in the same situation. And I feel shame about that too, that while I try to show myself as much compassion as I can, I still feel like I'm not enough. Not enough for a relationship, not enough for my father, not enough for me. I hope this will pass soon and that I can find some helpful things here. I'm very, very tired.