I enjoy being alone but I crave deep connection so there is some sadness around that. I am able to talk to some people about some hearty things now but still it doesn't feel like I have much intimacy in my life, I am trying to connect to my inner child and each time I feel sad I feel it's her...how alone she felt most of her life.
I don't have advice for you (not sure you were asking for any) but can relate. I was just coming on here feeling the same way.
I don't mind being alone sometimes, but I sure would like to be alone less often. It's not an itch that can be scratched by small talk or just the physical presence of others. As you said, it's a cry out for deep connections and intimacy.
I'm not close to a lot of people. There's my boyfriend of a year, we spend maybe 4 nights a week together. I also have a couple good friends who live nearby but I only get to see a couple times a month due to work or because they have families (I don't.) I feel like something's wrong with me that I don't enjoy all my "alone time" and my "freedom."
I see some of my friends who come from big, happy families, and they seem to be the ones better at forming close friendships. I suspect some of us start out at a disadvantage. We never learned closeness from our FOO and have to work harder at fostering and maintaining it.
I watched a Tony Robbins documentary where he stated that people crave being able to go deep with each other which is one of the reasons his seminars are so popular. I think it is very natural to crave deep connections to others. I have 1 really good friend that I see once a week and we go deep....we are both in therapy and both are working through our issues. That has really sustained me through the pandemic. I also have made some friends through a hobby of mine and through my old church group. I do have moments when I miss B, but my therapist tells me that I miss his “softness”....i miss his hugs...I miss lying on his chest and listening to him breathe....I miss feeling safe (at times) with him.