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Post by chicago on Oct 19, 2017 19:56:37 GMT
The guy I dated for about a year fit in both FA and DA categories. We were in pharmacy school together. We began to hang out a lot more over the next few months. I told him I was falling in love with him one day, and he said "no you're not!" and seemed scared/upset that I said it. It seemed very adolescent for a guy who is so extremely independent and "adult-like." There are many other examples similar to this. He would also sit straight up in the middle of the night if I got out of bed to go use the bathroom. He would ask me where I was going and would sound slightly panicked. He hated giving and receiving compliments and was ALWAYS tired. He hated talking about emotions. He had hundreds of pictures up all over his house of family members, so it seemed like he was sentimental, which confused me. I also found out that his closest friend sadly died about ten years ago in a car wreck. I found the obituary online, and saw that my ex had written that his "life was turned upside down and that his life would never be the same." I was shocked to see him write so beautifully and emotionally even though it was ten years ago. He never really showed me that side of himself.
He would become so engulfed in his work that I felt like I did not exist in his life anymore, so this led to arguments. He said if he had one more argument that it would be over. So of course that didn't go over well.
I was involved in a very traumatic incident not long after our breakup and had to leave pharmacy school. In a moment of weakness, I called him to tell him about it. A week later, we met up at our old favorite italian place. I always used to tell him while we dated that I liked when he would part his hair in a certain way... and when I showed up he had parted it that way. He talked to me more than ever that night. We hung out again a few more times and it was great. One night he asked to take me out for my birthday. Afterwards, he invited me down to look at the lake view by his apartment. I thought it was a ploy to be romantic, but I might be wrong. One weekend I made a pie and was telling him how I made it. He asked if I had a midnight delivery service. I think he was serious about me bringing it over, but he dropped it and never brought it up again. He also called me one weekend while he was on a long drive to visit family and talked for an hour. He is infamous for never talking on the phone.
I am having a hard time seeing the big picture. Was he only being nice because I experienced a traumatic event and he felt bad for me? Or was this something more?
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Post by chicago on Oct 20, 2017 20:01:22 GMT
I do think he is an empathetic person on many levels. I have seen him go out of his way to help others. He helped me with a lot of things while we were friends and in a relationship. He would take hours out of his day to help me study when I was struggling in a class in pharmacy school. He could definitely be grumpy at times, but I got over that because I can be that way too.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2017 21:51:12 GMT
He is definitely EU (emotionally unavailable)...it means you mustn't push him in any way. He needs lots of time and space, especially from anything to do with feelings and emotions. My ex husband was like this too, but he also has NPD, so that was a deal breaker.
In the end, you will always end up feeling "hungry" in this relationship, but it's fine if you can accept it, i.e. not even talking about the issue at all, or about his state of mind, worries, concerns, etc. You need to give him some time to himself, and then see if you can slowly ease back into his life.
It means you have to do things with him, rather than talk, and frequently engage in activities that are distracting and an escape.
You have to change yourself rather drastically, no more touchy-feelies.
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Post by chicago on Oct 21, 2017 16:55:37 GMT
He is definitely EU (emotionally unavailable)...it means you mustn't push him in any way. He needs lots of time and space, especially from anything to do with feelings and emotions. My ex husband was like this too, but he also has NPD, so that was a deal breaker. In the end, you will always end up feeling "hungry" in this relationship, but it's fine if you can accept it, i.e. not even talking about the issue at all, or about his state of mind, worries, concerns, etc. You need to give him some time to himself, and then see if you can slowly ease back into his life. It means you have to do things with him, rather than talk, and frequently engage in activities that are distracting and an escape. You have to change yourself rather drastically, no more touchy-feelies. That is very helpful. Thank you. He is also very contradictory. He lived in a house for five years, but when he moved out he said he didn't really miss it. However, when we passed this old house in the car one day, he kept staring at it. He also said he really missed his family back home and that he was looking forward to moving back one day. The last time I spoke to him, he was packing to move near his parents and said he wasn't really looking forward to it. I also remember that after he broke up with me, he gained some weight, became more isolated, and he was the first to view my snapchats for awhile on there (he usually never gets on social media). Did he do this because he idealizes situations, but then cannot handle it when reality sets in? |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2017 18:23:32 GMT
That's the problem with an EU partner, it's more like a Roschach test and reflects on your own interpretation and projection rather than what he truly feels because not even he knows what he feels.
If it's important for you to know then you will be very unhappy in such a relationship. You must grasp what it means to never know what he truly is inside. If you are lucky he might open up and tell you but don't count on it.
Don't play detective, don't second guess, don't assume, don't get upset. Accept.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2017 20:27:22 GMT
All this analysing is where madness lies in these kinds of relationships. We are hard wired to want to make sense of things - but when a partner has very little sense of themselves or their feelings, trying to work out what's going on in their heads is a sure road to insanity. Nothing makes sense - and one of the hardest parts of my relationship was the inconsistency. It was also that inconsistency, the tantalising feeling that it was all about to be OK, that kept me hooked.
I have come to see that any relationship that's worth it's salt will not require this degree of mental gymnastics. If a partner is mature and healthy and has taken responsibility for their own baggage, the relationship, particularly in the early stages, should run smoothly. In the first year, both partners should be showing their best sides - so much drama so early on is a big red flag.
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Post by valentin3 on Oct 21, 2017 21:31:34 GMT
Hi chicago,
In some way your guy sounds very much like my ex. There are alot of things they say about FA that makes them seem very cruel but they are not exactly like that either. My ex bf did the quiz and was also a DA. He does not like quarrels and like to just get them over as much as possible, and as a FA I which has more anxiety trait I tend to pick up fights that made him really frustrated. But like what you also mention, he is also very sentimental in their ways, he told me how he would always purposely drive pass a place that he has spend 2-3 years working in. Cos of how it was familiar? And because we are in long distance studying now, while we were tog and now that we broke up, he also told me he always make a point to check up on my instagram and i know because instagram story shows who viewed it. I used to be able to spend alot of time together with him at work so I did not felt too left out and unloved. At that point he was also very focus on settling our differences because he knew the distance was coming. When we got here it was really bad that there were both quarrels and also his studies, he always told me that it would be his priority and I understood that definitely but it still hurts when he shut downs on me and focus totally on other things.
He could be having feelings but I am not sure, some times they still love you but it I feel it takes alot of convincing for them to want to be together with you. The memories of emotional arguments probably inject some kind of fear in them. Does he knows about attachment types? I guess it might help for him to know so he can knows himself better then go through some kind of self help to be able to understand one another. If I could have a chance with my ex, I would like to do that with him. To find the balance and compromise.
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Post by chicago on Oct 22, 2017 0:57:07 GMT
Valentin3,
I read your post. They do have a lot of similarities. My DA ex was very sentimental about family pictures and was very close with his sister and grandmother. He also bought a pet salamander. He adored this thing for many months. He would take tons of pictures and make up funny stories to post on social media about this thing. He even made a Facebook page for this salamander. Ironically, he ended up selling it because he said the salamander didn't like him, was grumpy, and didn't show him any love. He said a cat would be better. I remember he told me while we were still dating that he thought it was possible to still love somebody but not be in a relationship with them.
I did print off some articles about love languages for him while we were dating because that was the extent of my knowledge. I think he read them, but he never wanted to discuss it. He said if we discussed it that it may lead to an argument. He said his parents never argue, so I'm guessing he thinks that arguing is wrong because his parents supposedly never did. He told me that he has a lot of problems that he needs to fix before he gets married.
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Post by chicago on Oct 22, 2017 1:10:37 GMT
Curious and ocarina,
Thank you for your posts. Very helpful. I guess I have to go against the nature of my brain and accept that I will never know what went on in his head. I'm pretty sure he was going through a depression because he did open up to me about it a little. And he said he doesn't talk about 95% of what goes on in his mind. Mutual friends also told me that he didn't look happy when he finally finished his research study and received an award for it. So how can I expect to understand what he is feeling if he's unavailable even to himself?
You're right, he didn't even know what he was feeling.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2017 15:02:37 GMT
Projection is what keeps us hanging on, we keep scrutinizing for signs that there's hope. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. Only you know your partner well.
What we can do for you is to explain the dynamics - ultimately, these are simply better tools for you to clarify for yourself your own thinking and feelings.
Understanding these unconscious processes going on really helps some of us open our eyes, eg. Intermittent Reinforcement.
Doing such things to us doesn't make him "cruel" or "vile", they might not even know they are doing this, we are not being judge and jurors here, we just try to further understanding to help us either stay or move on.
The very nature of Avoidance is illogical - they seek partners because they WANT them, yet they need to push their partners away. These are contradictory states, and we tend to believe that their default state is the former, because it makes sense. But of course it doesn't, not for them. They cannot help their impulses, neither can the majority of people, even us, which is why we are still doing the illogical thing, hanging on when signs are clear that they cannot truly commit to staying with us.
So you never really know which is their true state of mind, you can only guess, and you guess based on what seems logical to you. The popcorn machine has delicious popcorn in it, you can smell and see, so you assume that the machine is able to dispense the popcorn, it's only logical. If only you put in enough $ and resources into the machine, it will dispense popcorn for you.
You need to move away from that mindset and simply Accept whatever the outcome, if you choose to stay. Maybe logic prevails with him and he overcomes his compulsion, maybe it won't. Maybe if you shake it, gently tweak the lever, put more $ into it, the machine might dispense popcorn, maybe it won't.
If you continue to work on the machine, then you must accept the situation and circumstances, and not get upset if your efforts amount to nought. That's just one more blow you inflict on yourself, while nothing changes.
However, bear in mind that the more you invest, the harder it is for you to break away, it's another psychological compulsion. Not unlike the slot machine that you believe will deliver the jackpot because darn it, you have been feeding it tokens for days now. You naturally convince yourself that you care a lot more because, "Look, I'm putting my all into this man, it must mean he is the only one I will truly love, so I better work and work on him until he loves me back." It becomes self-fulfilling.
Good luck moving forward. I fear for my own addiction to my machine, but in the end, I understand he is still attracted to me, attraction isn't a choice, and I just want to enjoy his company whenever we meet without expectations of a relationship. I do think he will make a good friend - he is really nice to those he cares about, friends and family, and he has good ethics and morals.
My current mindset is like this - I will put into this relationship/friendship exactly as he puts in, no more.
Meanwhile, I am seeing other potential partners, and I'm open to them in my mind and heart. I'm sure from now until the end of my life, I will find the man I will go through life in true complicity with, laughing, crying and loving.
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Post by chicago on Oct 26, 2017 16:50:00 GMT
Curious,
I found your response to be extremely insightful. Thank you so much. I will be back to read that post over and over when things get tough.
I'm having such a hard time with this. I thought I was over it because the frequency of my thoughts of him decreased, but I had a dream about him the other night that felt so very real. The dream brought back many suppressed emotions.
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