hdv
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Post by hdv on Apr 16, 2021 16:03:20 GMT
I'm fairly confident she's doing this. I don't think this is spam as there are ways to check if the call if spam. Why would she be doing this? She broke up with me (really she just abandoned me without saying goodbye after seven years). I called the number once and it went to an automated voicemail, and not the typical one that the car warranty's or other use. I called the number today and it was disconnected. I also checked the spam logs and that number wasn't listed. I think she did this a few times a bit after breaking up.
Should I call her? We haven't properly spoken in over two months.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 16, 2021 17:33:13 GMT
I'm fairly confident she's doing this. I don't think this is spam as there are ways to check if the call if spam. Why would she be doing this? She broke up with me (really she just abandoned me without saying goodbye after seven years). I called the number once and it went to an automated voicemail, and not the typical one that the car warranty's or other use. I called the number today and it was disconnected. I also checked the spam logs and that number wasn't listed. I think she did this a few times a bit after breaking up. Should I call her? We haven't properly spoken in over two months. If she did not leave a message...I would not call her. |
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hdv
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Post by hdv on Apr 16, 2021 17:49:11 GMT
I'm fairly confident she's doing this. I don't think this is spam as there are ways to check if the call if spam. Why would she be doing this? She broke up with me (really she just abandoned me without saying goodbye after seven years). I called the number once and it went to an automated voicemail, and not the typical one that the car warranty's or other use. I called the number today and it was disconnected. I also checked the spam logs and that number wasn't listed. I think she did this a few times a bit after breaking up. Should I call her? We haven't properly spoken in over two months. If she did not leave a message...I would not call her. Thanks, Tr! I almost did! Why would she be doing this if she has broken up with me? It's hard for me not to call her because she was clearly mentally unwell when she split. It seemed like either severe detachment/deactivation and a mental short circuit. I believe she is still somewhere across the country. I still care about her, but have been going on other dates and have had fun. She was a woman i've loved since I was 16, and ten years later just hope she's okay. |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 16, 2021 19:53:54 GMT
You are reaching to find an excuse to reconnect and justifying it by being for her own good (she was unwell, you just want to make sure she's okay) even though it's actually for your own benefit and to satisfy your own need. You don't even know if it was her. I get spam all the time and those numbers sometimes get disconnected as spammers try to stay in business.
Why are you dating again so quickly after you went through so much with her? What are you doing to introspect and heal and be whole on your own before jumping into new relationships? Many of your posts are all about her and very little about you.
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hdv
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Post by hdv on Apr 17, 2021 15:27:13 GMT
You are reaching to find an excuse to reconnect and justifying it by being for her own good (she was unwell, you just want to make sure she's okay) even though it's actually for your own benefit and to satisfy your own need. You don't even know if it was her. I get spam all the time and those numbers sometimes get disconnected as spammers try to stay in business. Why are you dating again so quickly after you went through so much with her? What are you doing to introspect and heal and be whole on your own before jumping into new relationships? Many of your posts are all about her and very little about you. Yeah, you're right I am probably reaching, however, I'm confident this was her because she had done this before. Why am I dating? Because I guess I enjoy people's company. I've been alone a lot in my life with the military, traveling the world, exploring the things I love (even within the confines of a relationship) and I guess I also enjoy physical intimacy. I have been introspecting with therapy, journaling and practicing mindfulness. I guess I don't feel the need to post about myself because I understand that I simply miss somebody who was in my life for so long and seemingly had a mental breakdown and vanished. I'm just trying to understand within the context of her depression and personality what is happening because she never communicated her emotions and I don't want to pry into her and make her feel uncomfortable. This is somebody I really loved and care about so it's a bit hard to just cut off all emotional ties. |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 17, 2021 17:28:43 GMT
What I meant by that is the same question tnr9 previously asked you. "What I am curious about is why you stayed with her for 5 years when she clearly was not ready/equally invested. That is where I think the analysis would have the most impact." It's totally understandable that you loved her and miss her and have concern for her well-being. But there are reasons you chose an unequal and unfulfilling relationship and stayed for so long in spite of red flags before her mental health took a turn. If that stays unexplored, you stay stuck in certain patterns and will very likely repeat with future partners. That's where the healing benefits are in focusing on yourself instead of staying other-focused. You can be dating again, of course, there's lots of reasons you want to, but you're carrying a lot of baggage into new dating situations if you haven't more than superficially confronted your side in this dynamic first. You may not be ready to do that, which is also fine because everyone has their own process and timing. But it's important to generally know that there's a big aspect in your background that may create obstacles in future connection (and likely existed prior to meeting your ex but attracted you to her in the first place), in case you ever do want to deal with it. That's where the real power of attachment theory comes in, for you to understand yourself through that lens not just for explaining others. |
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simon
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Post by simon on Apr 17, 2021 18:38:06 GMT
^^^listen to Alexandra. This is as clear as it gets. You're "deflecting" your responsibility to work inward, by focusing outward and justifying your behavior and unconscious needs that kept you in an unhealthy relationship. The answers are IN you, nowhere else. Your ex is just a mirror. Let her go, she has done her job.
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hdv
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Post by hdv on Apr 17, 2021 21:43:24 GMT
What I meant by that is the same question tnr9 previously asked you. "What I am curious about is why you stayed with her for 5 years when she clearly was not ready/equally invested. That is where I think the analysis would have the most impact." It's totally understandable that you loved her and miss her and have concern for her well-being. But there are reasons you chose an unequal and unfulfilling relationship and stayed for so long in spite of red flags before her mental health took a turn. If that stays unexplored, you stay stuck in certain patterns and will very likely repeat with future partners. That's where the healing benefits are in focusing on yourself instead of staying other-focused. You can be dating again, of course, there's lots of reasons you want to, but you're carrying a lot of baggage into new dating situations if you haven't more than superficially confronted your side in this dynamic first. You may not be ready to do that, which is also fine because everyone has their own process and timing. But it's important to generally know that there's a big aspect in your background that may create obstacles in future connection (and likely existed prior to meeting your ex but attracted you to her in the first place), in case you ever do want to deal with it. That's where the real power of attachment theory comes in, for you to understand yourself through that lens not just for explaining others. Well I guess I didn't realize that my needs weren't being met because we seemed fairly independent. I know I expressed my basic needs, but they only seemed to be met when I asked (basic intimacy, communication). I think I was just waiting for either of us to change. We were young, and still are. We both probably should have started therapy sooner, and I guess I had hopes that therapy would help our relationship grow. But she left shortly after we started. In terms of dating - I'm not looking for anything serious. Just exploring other peoples personalities and interests. Just having some fun. It's actually been super positive. I would say the thing that attracted me to my ex was her intelligence and kindness. Her low self-esteem and apathy were definitely turn offs for me, and I tried to show her things that made me feel more confident. In the end, I think it was her poor-self esteem that caused her to not understand my needs because she didn't even understand her own. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 18, 2021 0:10:28 GMT
What I meant by that is the same question tnr9 previously asked you. "What I am curious about is why you stayed with her for 5 years when she clearly was not ready/equally invested. That is where I think the analysis would have the most impact." It's totally understandable that you loved her and miss her and have concern for her well-being. But there are reasons you chose an unequal and unfulfilling relationship and stayed for so long in spite of red flags before her mental health took a turn. If that stays unexplored, you stay stuck in certain patterns and will very likely repeat with future partners. That's where the healing benefits are in focusing on yourself instead of staying other-focused. You can be dating again, of course, there's lots of reasons you want to, but you're carrying a lot of baggage into new dating situations if you haven't more than superficially confronted your side in this dynamic first. You may not be ready to do that, which is also fine because everyone has their own process and timing. But it's important to generally know that there's a big aspect in your background that may create obstacles in future connection (and likely existed prior to meeting your ex but attracted you to her in the first place), in case you ever do want to deal with it. That's where the real power of attachment theory comes in, for you to understand yourself through that lens not just for explaining others. Well I guess I didn't realize that my needs weren't being met because we seemed fairly independent. I know I expressed my basic needs, but they only seemed to be met when I asked (basic intimacy, communication). I think I was just waiting for either of us to change. We were young, and still are. We both probably should have started therapy sooner, and I guess I had hopes that therapy would help our relationship grow. But she left shortly after we started. In terms of dating - I'm not looking for anything serious. Just exploring other peoples personalities and interests. Just having some fun. It's actually been super positive. I would say the thing that attracted me to my ex was her intelligence and kindness. Her low self-esteem and apathy were definitely turn offs for me, and I tried to show her things that made me feel more confident. In the end, I think it was her poor-self esteem that caused her to not understand my needs because she didn't even understand her own. I am still not reading where you take any accountability for issues in the relationship....I just read....”she had the issues and I was hoping she would change”. Another thing I am not getting from this is how you tried to understand her needs and meet them....telling your partner how you feel better doesn’t meet that person’s needs...it just makes you feel better. So I think you both missed the mark with each other. |
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Post by blacksnow2 on Apr 18, 2021 5:20:26 GMT
Hi. I think people might be responding a bit too harsh right now? I think it takes time (and pain) to honestly look at yourself more objectively. I also think 1) it's okay that you're not there yet, 2) it's okay to only see the other person's issues for now, 3) it's okay to date because you enjoy other people's company (just because we are "broken" (I don't like that word) doesn't mean we don't still have needs and sometimes we can only look at ourselves objectively when we learn lessons the hard way.
You're okay. And I think you can call her if you'd like, as long as you don't expect much out of it or expect a certain response from her then end up being disappointed and hurt because it's not what you wanted.
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hdv
New Member
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Post by hdv on Apr 18, 2021 6:58:18 GMT
Well I guess I didn't realize that my needs weren't being met because we seemed fairly independent. I know I expressed my basic needs, but they only seemed to be met when I asked (basic intimacy, communication). I think I was just waiting for either of us to change. We were young, and still are. We both probably should have started therapy sooner, and I guess I had hopes that therapy would help our relationship grow. But she left shortly after we started. In terms of dating - I'm not looking for anything serious. Just exploring other peoples personalities and interests. Just having some fun. It's actually been super positive. I would say the thing that attracted me to my ex was her intelligence and kindness. Her low self-esteem and apathy were definitely turn offs for me, and I tried to show her things that made me feel more confident. In the end, I think it was her poor-self esteem that caused her to not understand my needs because she didn't even understand her own. I am still not reading where you take any accountability for issues in the relationship....I just read....”she had the issues and I was hoping she would change”. Another thing I am not getting from this is how you tried to understand her needs and meet them....telling your partner how you feel better doesn’t meet that person’s needs...it just makes you feel better. So I think you both missed the mark with each other. Yo, look, this is a forum about FA's, I had a question and was looking for advice. (I never called btw). Of course I made mistakes in our relationship, plenty. I'm learning how to be a better communicater. I'm trying to get over some trauma that went unchecked. But I'm in therapy and I talk about it with my therapist. According to my therapist I'm secure, and I'm deeply hurt because how cold my partner turned.We both had abandonment issues and she sort of abandoned me. Of course I tried to show my ex things like exercise, different hobbies we might enjoy, etc.. things I know and things she might like. Did I ask her to show me how to cook the awesome dishes she made? Hell ya. Did I ask her about the books she read? Of course. Did she ever go in depth or talk about them on her own accord? No. That's the nature of this board, no? To better understand avoidant attachments? Just trying to understand how I confused introversion and depression with something that was deeper than that. And people on this board constantly say "what does it say about you that you're willing to stay with somebody who doesn't meet your needs" etc.. simple for a few reasons: love is blind, I didn't realize my needs weren't being met and was too immature or lacked the tools to communicate better with my partner, and also I didn't want to just leave somebody who I really loved and admired, despite her depression or avoidance or whatever. |
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hdv
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Post by hdv on Apr 18, 2021 6:59:27 GMT
Hi. I think people might be responding a bit too harsh right now? I think it takes time (and pain) to honestly look at yourself more objectively. I also think 1) it's okay that you're not there yet, 2) it's okay to only see the other person's issues for now, 3) it's okay to date because you enjoy other people's company (just because we are "broken" (I don't like that word) doesn't mean we don't still have needs and sometimes we can only look at ourselves objectively when we learn lessons the hard way. You're okay. And I think you can call her if you'd like, as long as you don't expect much out of it or expect a certain response from her then end up being disappointed and hurt because it's not what you wanted. Really appreciate you. Thank you for the advice and kind words. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 18, 2021 14:53:58 GMT
I am still not reading where you take any accountability for issues in the relationship....I just read....”she had the issues and I was hoping she would change”. Another thing I am not getting from this is how you tried to understand her needs and meet them....telling your partner how you feel better doesn’t meet that person’s needs...it just makes you feel better. So I think you both missed the mark with each other. Yo, look, this is a forum about FA's, I had a question and was looking for advice. (I never called btw). Of course I made mistakes in our relationship, plenty. I'm learning how to be a better communicater. I'm trying to get over some trauma that went unchecked. But I'm in therapy and I talk about it with my therapist. According to my therapist I'm secure, and I'm deeply hurt because how cold my partner turned.We both had abandonment issues and she sort of abandoned me. Of course I tried to show my ex things like exercise, different hobbies we might enjoy, etc.. things I know and things she might like. Did I ask her to show me how to cook the awesome dishes she made? Hell ya. Did I ask her about the books she read? Of course. Did she ever go in depth or talk about them on her own accord? No. That's the nature of this board, no? To better understand avoidant attachments? Just trying to understand how I confused introversion and depression with something that was deeper than that. And people on this board constantly say "what does it say about you that you're willing to stay with somebody who doesn't meet your needs" etc.. simple for a few reasons: love is blind, I didn't realize my needs weren't being met and was too immature or lacked the tools to communicate better with my partner, and also I didn't want to just leave somebody who I really loved and admired, despite her depression or avoidance or whatever. So let me understand...you came to these boards about attachment issues and expected there to be not a single question about your attachment? Also...why do you keep deleting your posts? It seems to me you are wanting validation that she had all the issues and somehow in understanding her issues you can somehow influence a change in her. That is not how attachment theory works...attachment theory is about learning how your own attachment might cause you to gravitate to a particular person. Do secures sometimes find themselves paired with an insecure partner...yep....but secures take a “me, you, us” perspective. Meaning....they understand that what another person needs might be different from their own needs...they are not looking to blame but to understand the other person so they can better relate. There is not a need to get defensive because they understand that questions are not “personal”. I don’t get that vibe from any of your posts. Since it seems you are not interested in hearing anything outside of what you want to hear...I will disengage from your posts. I do recommend reading the secure section.... |
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Post by happinessrules on Jun 7, 2021 18:31:19 GMT
I'm fairly confident she's doing this. I don't think this is spam as there are ways to check if the call if spam. Why would she be doing this? She broke up with me (really she just abandoned me without saying goodbye after seven years). I called the number once and it went to an automated voicemail, and not the typical one that the car warranty's or other use. I called the number today and it was disconnected. I also checked the spam logs and that number wasn't listed. I think she did this a few times a bit after breaking up. Should I call her? We haven't properly spoken in over two months. |
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Post by happinessrules on Jun 7, 2021 18:47:43 GMT
I wouldn't contact her as I'm sure nothing has changed with her or her Attachment Style. I recommend you block any number she calls you with and all social media. It might be that if you post a lot about your new life and how great it is, she probably was triggered and wanted to make sure you were thinking about her, even if you don't talk to her. They be like that.
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