memay
New Member
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Post by memay on May 3, 2021 18:39:46 GMT
I just discovered this forum because I could not understand what happened during the last 7 years. Now I strongly believe I was in an on/off relationship with a DA. It started 2014 when I met him and it took off very fast. He seemed caring and kind out to a point where he suddenly ended it without me knowing what to make of it. I begged and pleaded and hit his emotional wall. Later on I found out that he just recently had split up with his longtime girlfriend with whom he shared a child. I thought I was a rebound and left it at that. Like clockwork we would seem to find it each other (in hindsight I understand way) once each year. 2016 I became pregnant and he took off. When my daughter was born I hit another emotional wall. And I think that was my breaking point because I could not understand how he could not want to see his own child. His parents stepped in but soon they went from visiting to sending presents not wanting to meet her in person. It broke my heart for my daughter that she was so unwelcome and unwanted. Last year he indirectly contacted me and I thought I would give it a try for my daughter‘s sake. Of course he stonewalled me again, telling me via phone that he does not care if we see each other again, it hit me hard. I started searching the internet and found this forum. Each and every description I have read was like reading about his character. The awkward reactions, robot like behavior, from both himself and his parents. Even the ex as a factor made so much sense (since he cannot have her he tries to find suitable partners for her - how crazy is that ) Looking back I now feel ashamed of myself for not seeing it sooner. Has anyone experience with children of DA‘s? I don‘t know what to tell her when she is older.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2021 0:42:49 GMT
Couldn't you just tell her you conceived her not in a committed relationship but in a once a year fling? That is the truth, and while it's not without pain, it puts some of the responsibility on yourself where some of the responsibility belongs. If you pursue your own responsibility in this and find acceptance and grace for yourself in doing so, it will at least be helpful when it comes to teaching her about healthy love, and how to form relationships with boundaries and a real potential for commitment. We all make mistakes in our judgment, and if you pick unhealthy sexual partners there are multiple ways to suffer, physically and emotionally. When we bring children into the mix, the fallout is much greater.
It's very unfortunate for her and for you that she is abandoned by her unwilling father, and it seems that counseling would be really a great support for both of you. Any child who has abandonment will have wounds to heal but healing your own first will help the both of you. I'm sorry you are parenting with that kind of pain, I have been a single mother of abandoned children myself and it's very sad. But we are ok. They are adults now and do better than I did at their age. There is a lot of awareness and support for family dysfunction these days.
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Post by tnr9 on May 4, 2021 9:39:07 GMT
I am the child of an unaware DA man....and I agree with introvert that it is best to keep the conversation with your daughter neutral and let her decide how she wants to view him....and that might change as she grows into adulthood. In my young childhood I craved a father who was rarely in our lives after the divorce, in my teen years I viewed him as a sperm donor and just in the last decade my feeling for him changed again and I saw that flawed man who missed out on being a proper dad to his kids.
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Post by alexandra on May 4, 2021 22:02:48 GMT
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm not a professional, but I'd think the most important thing you could say is reinforcing that the father's behavior isn't your child's fault and is in no way a reflection on who she is or of her value. Which goes hand in hand with discussing healthy boundaries and how everyone is responsible for their own behavior and decisions, and does not vilify her dad but leaves room for her to make her own opinion about him. Kids deify their parents, because they need them to survive and because whatever situation they grow up in seems normal to them. Which means that many kids will internalize how they are treated as they must deserve it or these godlike parents wouldn't be acting that way. In the development of insecure attachment, kids are (unconsciously) figuring out how to store that self-blame so they can live with it and are also figuring out how to stay attached to caregivers who can't meet their needs (in this case, the idea of her dad).
Per the suggestions above, it would also help you to go to therapy now and to get her some therapy when she's of an appropriate age. The right therapist will help you both learn new tools and healthy coping and communication mechanisms that will make this situation a little easier, and will eventually allow her to more fully process a complex situation in a healthier way. If you are a consistent and stable presence to your daughter no matter what her father does and she gets some help to learn healthy emotional processing tools along the way, there's a good chance things will turn out okay for her and for you.
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memay
New Member
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Post by memay on May 5, 2021 19:20:43 GMT
Thank you to all of you for replying. I think therapy is a good idea. I find that I am struggling and I am emotionally exhausted with the situation. My daughter is going to get older, her questions are going to be more specific and I want to answer them without bitterness. You helped me a lot with your advices.
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simon
New Member
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Post by simon on May 5, 2021 19:46:17 GMT
Memay, I think therapy is a great idea. Although this all isn't your fault, it is now your responsibility. The best gift you can give your daughter, is to be the best parent possible and as healthy and whole as possible moving forward. This will pay dividends for both you and her long, long into the future. Give yourself credit for seeking answers and wanting to provide for her in the most caring way possible, and seeking out help for the better lives of both of you. You both deserve it.
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