Post by Deleted on May 15, 2021 14:50:04 GMT
Since I started posting here, I've learned that I fit the description of a Highly Sensitive Person, and it's an eye opener and really has made things make sense to me.
I am also avoidant in my attachment style, although over years that has changed to *more but not all the way secure. I've also experienced anxious moments but briefly, when my boyfriend has broken up in the heat of the moment. I'm describing all this just to give an idea of how I'm wired.
I think the HSP traits and avoidance have worked hand in hand to strengthen isolation in my life. I'm introverted but do well one on one. I'm easily overwhelmed by noise and people and too much hectic. My response to overwhelm is to feel intense and irritable and retreat.
I have a heavy feeling of being flawed and not belonging to the world, and it isn't present with me always but it's there, underneath, and triggered by the difficulty I have being and doing what I see most other people (I think) being and doing. In short, I'm frustrated and ashamed of being HSP. I equate it with being weak and easily affected and that's counter to this construct of being dismissive. I have actually liked being dismissive believe it or not, in the past, because it enabled me to cope and take care of things and have peace. I think someone who is not dismissive would have a hard time understanding that. Also, if you've been hurt by a dismissive you may not have empathy for it. But for me, it's been relatively safe. Understanding that its relative safety, not true safety.
I know this all sounds majorly fucked up, like what a mess is she. I tend to believe that I am meant to be alone, that Isolation is where I am most at home and peaceful. I can easily "land myself" and get to a peaceful state alone. When I am alone, I am in quiet, I go to nature consistently and it's like food for me, I sit in my quiet beautiful space and feel at home.
The problem is, I have also become more "interdependent" with people and I truly recognize that we are meant to be together as a community. And, I like that too. I HAVE found belonging, I have found deep friendships and a relationship that means a lot to me. But, my HSP traits have me too often in stress. It makes me embarrassed and feeds this feeling I have always had that I do not belong and that others have difficulty tolerating me. But I have difficulty tolerating the modern environment!!! Too many crowds, too much noise, too much hectic stress of a modern go go go lifestyle, too much air conditioning (yes, I hate it). Where do I belong and how do I cope with this?
I wish I could be different. I get frustrated, I wish I could deconstruct myself and build myself better.
I have heard from a few members here that they are also HSP. Can you please share with me, if any of this resonates with you? Are there things about HSP that you think are good, that are gifts that have value? I have flip flopped with this but it's striking at my core of who I thought myself to be. It feels like overwhelming vulnerability. I want to be open, soft, emotionally available etc etc as I grow but I hate feeling like the hot house orchid it seems I am. Can anyone relate to this , Do you have encouragement for me?
I am also avoidant in my attachment style, although over years that has changed to *more but not all the way secure. I've also experienced anxious moments but briefly, when my boyfriend has broken up in the heat of the moment. I'm describing all this just to give an idea of how I'm wired.
I think the HSP traits and avoidance have worked hand in hand to strengthen isolation in my life. I'm introverted but do well one on one. I'm easily overwhelmed by noise and people and too much hectic. My response to overwhelm is to feel intense and irritable and retreat.
I have a heavy feeling of being flawed and not belonging to the world, and it isn't present with me always but it's there, underneath, and triggered by the difficulty I have being and doing what I see most other people (I think) being and doing. In short, I'm frustrated and ashamed of being HSP. I equate it with being weak and easily affected and that's counter to this construct of being dismissive. I have actually liked being dismissive believe it or not, in the past, because it enabled me to cope and take care of things and have peace. I think someone who is not dismissive would have a hard time understanding that. Also, if you've been hurt by a dismissive you may not have empathy for it. But for me, it's been relatively safe. Understanding that its relative safety, not true safety.
I know this all sounds majorly fucked up, like what a mess is she. I tend to believe that I am meant to be alone, that Isolation is where I am most at home and peaceful. I can easily "land myself" and get to a peaceful state alone. When I am alone, I am in quiet, I go to nature consistently and it's like food for me, I sit in my quiet beautiful space and feel at home.
The problem is, I have also become more "interdependent" with people and I truly recognize that we are meant to be together as a community. And, I like that too. I HAVE found belonging, I have found deep friendships and a relationship that means a lot to me. But, my HSP traits have me too often in stress. It makes me embarrassed and feeds this feeling I have always had that I do not belong and that others have difficulty tolerating me. But I have difficulty tolerating the modern environment!!! Too many crowds, too much noise, too much hectic stress of a modern go go go lifestyle, too much air conditioning (yes, I hate it). Where do I belong and how do I cope with this?
I wish I could be different. I get frustrated, I wish I could deconstruct myself and build myself better.
I have heard from a few members here that they are also HSP. Can you please share with me, if any of this resonates with you? Are there things about HSP that you think are good, that are gifts that have value? I have flip flopped with this but it's striking at my core of who I thought myself to be. It feels like overwhelming vulnerability. I want to be open, soft, emotionally available etc etc as I grow but I hate feeling like the hot house orchid it seems I am. Can anyone relate to this , Do you have encouragement for me?
