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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2021 23:51:48 GMT
Hi maryisback, thank you for your response! I can definitely relate to not being able to really access my feelings enough to be going hunting for them. I'd say there was a large portion of my life when that was the case. I mean sure I have emotions but nothing I couldn't take care of with typical coping mechanisms- it's like being a little "asleep" but content, or at least accepting of what is. It's been changes in life through middle age that have brought me into a deeper need to understand and connect- and honestly I think being HSP first helped me shut down hard (because apparently people with this trait respond more intensely to early childhood trauma) , and then come out of it more readily because once the can was open all the things have been dumping out. And yes- that utter bewilderment about what to do, what to do, in an emotional matter when the emotions aren't online. As you said, professionally, what a boon- to be able to make the right decision based on logic and good strategy. But even business involves relationships so much- at least some business.... so it can work better for some of us than others. Glad that you are "back" and that you stopped in. I really recognize your freedom to live as you like, honestly- you are under no obligation to purse a path out of this if you are self aware, as long as you are in YOUR integrity! Live and let live, we all have our path. I like to hear how you relate, though, don't hesitate to share haha! It's weird when you understand yourself a bit but are not certain others truly can. I've had a lot of validation and empathy coming my way in some areas and it's very cool. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2021 0:04:38 GMT
And for years I was mostly alone and not lonely- easy to get there. I haven't had enough alone time in this relationship and have become imbalanced inside myself. So I'm correcting that. It's good for me and the relationship, My SO is supportive. So that's getting the best of both worlds, in my estimation!
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Post by maryisback on Jun 13, 2021 4:37:21 GMT
Yes! I guess it is sort of like being asleep or content. For me, that has translated to happiness. I went to therapy for many years and started to access my emotions. I found out doing that made me unhappy, so I stopped.
I am happy I went as I am more aware of who I am, what I am and why I am that way.
I am happy or "content" in my ignorance I guess I would say.
Everyone's journey is different. It's definitely not for everyone but I have made peace with it .
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2021 13:39:02 GMT
Yes! I guess it is sort of like being asleep or content. For me, that has translated to happiness. I went to therapy for many years and started to access my emotions. I found out doing that made me unhappy, so I stopped. I am happy I went as I am more aware of who I am, what I am and why I am that way. I am happy or "content" in my ignorance I guess I would say. Everyone's journey is different. It's definitely not for everyone but I have made peace with it . I understand that. The state of emotional numbness can feel very Zen! I had a rich inner life, it wasn't like being a nothing. I connected a lot with the natural world and felt I was meant to be alone but it did not hurt. I have children, though. I have always wanted to be the best mother I can, and that evolution has been the journey of my life. There is no way to continue as a DA in emotional isolation and be what my children need and deserve. I found out that my parents did the best they could considering THEIR origins, but the best I could do is better. And I found out I am as worthy as my children are! So, I do my best for me and for them. My best is pretty good. I have a LOT of sadness sometimes when I look back, and see that I was limited in ways that hurt us all. But it isn't my unique fault- it is the condition of my birth and upbringing and I am not less susceptible to attachment wound than anybody. It kind of an acceptance of a fallen world while taking up the cause to redeem it. I'm not religious, but I can't deny that the ignorance in humans is a prevailing trait and it takes something special to break out of it- usually pain. Seeing my children suffer in life from conditions beyond my control, that broke me out of my slumber for sure. What do you enjoy the most maryisback ? Because I know that you are not dead, you live for yourself and yourself is worth it- people don't understand that in a DA. I'd love to get to "know" you a little. I'm sorry you were neglected as a kid. I know what that's like. It isn't fair but it's something that happens too much. I think you are brave to have sought your answers and found them. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 13, 2021 16:36:36 GMT
I hope you both do not mind me chiming in...I was in a class on attachment....and at the beginning of each class, we had to list what we felt emotionally and physically ...and it was very hard for those who tested avoidant to name their emotion. However, they were very connected to their body in a way that I wasn’t.
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Post by maryisback on Jun 13, 2021 18:32:19 GMT
I hope you both do not mind me chiming in...I was in a class on attachment....and at the beginning of each class, we had to list what we felt emotionally and physically ...and it was very hard for those who tested avoidant to name their emotion. However, they were very connected to their body in a way that I wasn’t. So interesting! I have no idea if it has to do with DA, but I relate to this. I have mentioned this to other people and I think they think I'm nuts. I can tell when the slightest thing is wrong with my health. I know what will work for me and what won't. I thought everyone was like this until I mentioned it to some friends. I feel like it's just knowing myself really well. When it comes to what other people are thinking, I have no clue. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2021 18:36:21 GMT
I hope you both do not mind me chiming in...I was in a class on attachment....and at the beginning of each class, we had to list what we felt emotionally and physically ...and it was very hard for those who tested avoidant to name their emotion. However, they were very connected to their body in a way that I wasn’t. So very real. Difficult emotions seem to translate into edginess or a general feeling of irritation or grumpiness and defensiveness for me. I really notice that when I have a need that would require some kind of reliance on someone else. I think I understand it. I am not fully comfortable identifying my need, certainly not comfortable trusting that someone else would altruistically want to meet it, and all the tangled up threads make a knot in me and then I shut down. I really saw that in my original thread where I was feeling like I need to stand up for myself with my boyfriend , when really I was actually missing him and unable to access the vulnerability of that without a little nudge from anne12. So being able to recognize that feeling as more than an angst, and actually voice it as a need and hope that he will meet it and just help me be happier- well that's a lot for an avoidant for sure. But I'm at the point of gratitude and being open that if truly wise women can give me good advice I will take it, and let their advice help me and grow me. That's what the forum is becoming for me. And at the same time, I feel I can also stand inside myself with knowledge and understanding of ME that no one gets to interpret, it's mine, it's my genuine self and I know myself in some ways that I feel compelled to speak up for. So it seems to be a real coming-back-to-self in a couple of important ways. In the sense of being a human with an innate need to love and be loved, and also, coming home to the me that I had to shove aside and behind for a long time just to be ok. BTW, thank you personally tnr9 for being a part of this process here, you're very kind. Empathetic. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2021 18:37:57 GMT
I was not connected well to my body until later in life. The Neglect that I faced as a kid carried forth in myself but I am taking really good care and very aware now. The recent developments with coming to understand, accept, and support my HSP nature (with the welcome help from those more gentle and experienced than me!) is HUGE.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2021 18:42:40 GMT
BTW... huge moment! I am at the airport with my son and his best friend, treating them to a skateboard adventure in another state... AND for once in my life I am the leader not the follower on a trip.
I have buttoned down all details, I am well equipped with all my stuff for protecting myself from sensory overload, and I am at the airport feeling calm and relaxed with two very very happy boys. Progress for sure. Introvert is unrecognizable from just a short time ago. I feel silly but also, I feel like I'm really being a good friend and even a good parent in a way, to myself. I'm just doing what my parents couldn't do for me. And this trip is about telling my son, showing my son, that his joy is my joy, and he's worth my time and attention and growing outside of my limitations.
I'm going to do this with my other kids too, one on one small trips that are about their passions. It feels pretty good. Emotional but good.
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Post by maryisback on Jun 13, 2021 18:49:47 GMT
Yes! I guess it is sort of like being asleep or content. For me, that has translated to happiness. I went to therapy for many years and started to access my emotions. I found out doing that made me unhappy, so I stopped. I am happy I went as I am more aware of who I am, what I am and why I am that way. I am happy or "content" in my ignorance I guess I would say. Everyone's journey is different. It's definitely not for everyone but I have made peace with it . I understand that. The state of emotional numbness can feel very Zen! I had a rich inner life, it wasn't like being a nothing. I connected a lot with the natural world and felt I was meant to be alone but it did not hurt. I have children, though. I have always wanted to be the best mother I can, and that evolution has been the journey of my life. There is no way to continue as a DA in emotional isolation and be what my children need and deserve. I found out that my parents did the best they could considering THEIR origins, but the best I could do is better. And I found out I am as worthy as my children are! So, I do my best for me and for them. My best is pretty good. I have a LOT of sadness sometimes when I look back, and see that I was limited in ways that hurt us all. But it isn't my unique fault- it is the condition of my birth and upbringing and I am not less susceptible to attachment wound than anybody. It kind of an acceptance of a fallen world while taking up the cause to redeem it. I'm not religious, but I can't deny that the ignorance in humans is a prevailing trait and it takes something special to break out of it- usually pain. Seeing my children suffer in life from conditions beyond my control, that broke me out of my slumber for sure. What do you enjoy the most maryisback ? Because I know that you are not dead, you live for yourself and yourself is worth it- people don't understand that in a DA. I'd love to get to "know" you a little. I'm sorry you were neglected as a kid. I know what that's like. It isn't fair but it's something that happens too much. I think you are brave to have sought your answers and found them. Thank you, life is definitely interesting. I sort of live on the "surface" and in the moment for the most part I would say. I understand what you are saying about children. I have some so I don't only live for myself, although now they are self sufficient. I was able to compartmentalize my children and see them as a part of myself. It's hard to explain, but they are separate from other people for me, so I was/am able to connect and attach with them. I am sure I didn't give them what other parents are able to but I gave them "enough" and a little bit more. I was able to be there for them in a consistent way. I have much more trouble with romantic relationships. My daughter is married with little ones of her own and she does not have the issues I do. But like I said mine stem from neglect and abuse. In my head, I tried to do the exact opposite, which probably ended up them being a bit spoiled, but I'm happy with what I accomplished. We have a very close relationship. I can only be vulnerable with my children because they are literally a part of me. I care for them the same or more than I care for myself. I just can't get there with other people. Nowadays, I keep myself busy with home projects, a very demanding career and grandkids. What about you? |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2021 19:13:14 GMT
I understand that. The state of emotional numbness can feel very Zen! I had a rich inner life, it wasn't like being a nothing. I connected a lot with the natural world and felt I was meant to be alone but it did not hurt. I have children, though. I have always wanted to be the best mother I can, and that evolution has been the journey of my life. There is no way to continue as a DA in emotional isolation and be what my children need and deserve. I found out that my parents did the best they could considering THEIR origins, but the best I could do is better. And I found out I am as worthy as my children are! So, I do my best for me and for them. My best is pretty good. I have a LOT of sadness sometimes when I look back, and see that I was limited in ways that hurt us all. But it isn't my unique fault- it is the condition of my birth and upbringing and I am not less susceptible to attachment wound than anybody. It kind of an acceptance of a fallen world while taking up the cause to redeem it. I'm not religious, but I can't deny that the ignorance in humans is a prevailing trait and it takes something special to break out of it- usually pain. Seeing my children suffer in life from conditions beyond my control, that broke me out of my slumber for sure. What do you enjoy the most maryisback ? Because I know that you are not dead, you live for yourself and yourself is worth it- people don't understand that in a DA. I'd love to get to "know" you a little. I'm sorry you were neglected as a kid. I know what that's like. It isn't fair but it's something that happens too much. I think you are brave to have sought your answers and found them. Thank you, life is definitely interesting. I sort of live on the "surface" and in the moment for the most part I would say. I understand what you are saying about children. I have some so I don't only live for myself, although now they are self sufficient. I was able to compartmentalize my children and see them as a part of myself. It's hard to explain, but they are separate from other people for me, so I was/am able to connect and attach with them. I am sure I didn't give them what other parents are able to but I gave them "enough" and a little bit more. I was able to be there for them in a consistent way. I have much more trouble with romantic relationships. My daughter is married with little ones of her own and she does not have the issues I do. But like I said mine stem from neglect and abuse. In my head, I tried to do the exact opposite, which probably ended up them being a bit spoiled, but I'm happy with what I accomplished. We have a very close relationship. I can only be vulnerable with my children because they are literally a part of me. I care for them the same or more than I care for myself. I just can't get there with other people. Nowadays, I keep myself busy with home projects, a very demanding career and grandkids. What about you? You don't have to explain that about your kids, I TOTALLY get that. Completely. I have always done different for my kids than was done for me. Where I ran into trouble is when things got really bad due to some tragic incidents years ago, I wasn't equipped to handle it. I ran smack into my limitations. So I've done therapy to help support them and along the way found myself benefiting. I am so happy to hear your parenting experience. I understand it and I applaud you! There is a difference between kid relationships and romantic for sure. Romantic is where I have been most stunted. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2021 16:43:08 GMT
I understand that. The state of emotional numbness can feel very Zen! I had a rich inner life, it wasn't like being a nothing. I connected a lot with the natural world and felt I was meant to be alone but it did not hurt. I have children, though. I have always wanted to be the best mother I can, and that evolution has been the journey of my life. There is no way to continue as a DA in emotional isolation and be what my children need and deserve. I found out that my parents did the best they could considering THEIR origins, but the best I could do is better. And I found out I am as worthy as my children are! So, I do my best for me and for them. My best is pretty good. I have a LOT of sadness sometimes when I look back, and see that I was limited in ways that hurt us all. But it isn't my unique fault- it is the condition of my birth and upbringing and I am not less susceptible to attachment wound than anybody. It kind of an acceptance of a fallen world while taking up the cause to redeem it. I'm not religious, but I can't deny that the ignorance in humans is a prevailing trait and it takes something special to break out of it- usually pain. Seeing my children suffer in life from conditions beyond my control, that broke me out of my slumber for sure. What do you enjoy the most maryisback ? Because I know that you are not dead, you live for yourself and yourself is worth it- people don't understand that in a DA. I'd love to get to "know" you a little. I'm sorry you were neglected as a kid. I know what that's like. It isn't fair but it's something that happens too much. I think you are brave to have sought your answers and found them. Thank you, life is definitely interesting. I sort of live on the "surface" and in the moment for the most part I would say. I understand what you are saying about children. I have some so I don't only live for myself, although now they are self sufficient. I was able to compartmentalize my children and see them as a part of myself. It's hard to explain, but they are separate from other people for me, so I was/am able to connect and attach with them. I am sure I didn't give them what other parents are able to but I gave them "enough" and a little bit more. I was able to be there for them in a consistent way. I have much more trouble with romantic relationships. My daughter is married with little ones of her own and she does not have the issues I do. But like I said mine stem from neglect and abuse. In my head, I tried to do the exact opposite, which probably ended up them being a bit spoiled, but I'm happy with what I accomplished. We have a very close relationship. I can only be vulnerable with my children because they are literally a part of me. I care for them the same or more than I care for myself. I just can't get there with other people. Nowadays, I keep myself busy with home projects, a very demanding career and grandkids. What about you? As for what life is looking like for me, I'm in a career I love with my own business, and doing well. I've got a couple teens at home and they don't keep me busy but my focus is on them a lot with helping them gain the skills and self confidence to launch although I'm in no hurry for that. And, I'm working on a relationship that is worth it and grows us both a lot. I spend my free time in hobbies and my SO has introduced me to travel-for-fun which is a new thought, I haven't done that much as it's not a mentality I grew up with. So things are rewarding, life is good, ups and downs. On this forum they helped me put it together that I am HSP which has been a big help to me to understand but it also has brought up a lot of feelings in me , it's complicated but I'm taking good care of myself in ways my family couldn't and life is better. It's been hard for me to enjoy life in modern spaces to say the least, always being overwhelmed somehow by sensory input. And the emotional side of HSP impacts me, I think it's why I've been able to make progress on the emotional side of life but I also think it's part of why I isolated a lot, as avoidant. I have DA as the majority of my insecurity with a little FA, as well, which I think is related to losing people close to me through trauma but I am not sure about all that. I'm glad life is what you need it to be to have peace! That's a good place to be! |
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Post by maryisback on Jun 14, 2021 21:45:46 GMT
BTW... huge moment! I am at the airport with my son and his best friend, treating them to a skateboard adventure in another state... AND for once in my life I am the leader not the follower on a trip. I have buttoned down all details, I am well equipped with all my stuff for protecting myself from sensory overload, and I am at the airport feeling calm and relaxed with two very very happy boys. Progress for sure. Introvert is unrecognizable from just a short time ago. I feel silly but also, I feel like I'm really being a good friend and even a good parent in a way, to myself. I'm just doing what my parents couldn't do for me. And this trip is about telling my son, showing my son, that his joy is my joy, and he's worth my time and attention and growing outside of my limitations. I'm going to do this with my other kids too, one on one small trips that are about their passions. It feels pretty good. Emotional but good. I love this. I am not a planner either. Trips are difficult. I know your kids will appreciate it! Way to go  |
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Post by maryisback on Jun 14, 2021 21:49:51 GMT
Thank you, life is definitely interesting. I sort of live on the "surface" and in the moment for the most part I would say. I understand what you are saying about children. I have some so I don't only live for myself, although now they are self sufficient. I was able to compartmentalize my children and see them as a part of myself. It's hard to explain, but they are separate from other people for me, so I was/am able to connect and attach with them. I am sure I didn't give them what other parents are able to but I gave them "enough" and a little bit more. I was able to be there for them in a consistent way. I have much more trouble with romantic relationships. My daughter is married with little ones of her own and she does not have the issues I do. But like I said mine stem from neglect and abuse. In my head, I tried to do the exact opposite, which probably ended up them being a bit spoiled, but I'm happy with what I accomplished. We have a very close relationship. I can only be vulnerable with my children because they are literally a part of me. I care for them the same or more than I care for myself. I just can't get there with other people. Nowadays, I keep myself busy with home projects, a very demanding career and grandkids. What about you? As for what life is looking like for me, I'm in a career I love with my own business, and doing well. I've got a couple teens at home and they don't keep me busy but my focus is on them a lot with helping them gain the skills and self confidence to launch although I'm in no hurry for that. And, I'm working on a relationship that is worth it and grows us both a lot. I spend my free time in hobbies and my SO has introduced me to travel-for-fun which is a new thought, I haven't done that much as it's not a mentality I grew up with. So things are rewarding, life is good, ups and downs. On this forum they helped me put it together that I am HSP which has been a big help to me to understand but it also has brought up a lot of feelings in me , it's complicated but I'm taking good care of myself in ways my family couldn't and life is better. It's been hard for me to enjoy life in modern spaces to say the least, always being overwhelmed somehow by sensory input. And the emotional side of HSP impacts me, I think it's why I've been able to make progress on the emotional side of life but I also think it's part of why I isolated a lot, as avoidant. I have DA as the majority of my insecurity with a little FA, as well, which I think is related to losing people close to me through trauma but I am not sure about all that. I'm glad life is what you need it to be to have peace! That's a good place to be! Sounds like you have a busy life. Sometimes you have to re-parent yourself as an adult. I'm glad you have people to help you grow and explore. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2021 23:30:20 GMT
BTW... huge moment! I am at the airport with my son and his best friend, treating them to a skateboard adventure in another state... AND for once in my life I am the leader not the follower on a trip. I have buttoned down all details, I am well equipped with all my stuff for protecting myself from sensory overload, and I am at the airport feeling calm and relaxed with two very very happy boys. Progress for sure. Introvert is unrecognizable from just a short time ago. I feel silly but also, I feel like I'm really being a good friend and even a good parent in a way, to myself. I'm just doing what my parents couldn't do for me. And this trip is about telling my son, showing my son, that his joy is my joy, and he's worth my time and attention and growing outside of my limitations. I'm going to do this with my other kids too, one on one small trips that are about their passions. It feels pretty good. Emotional but good. I love this. I am not a planner either. Trips are difficult. I know your kids will appreciate it! Way to go Feeling really good about the trip for the boys but I am ready to go back to my hole. Ha! |
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