Are there DA's willing to share

It was suggested that I ask some questions in this forum to limit input from non-supportive posters. I don't see any active DA members but am wondering if any lurking could share what they feel like when they experience stress particularly in relationship. I find the shut down feeling to be somewhat oppressive and it restricts my ability to engage life, obviously. Although temporary, it always seems as if it arises and changes my perspective in a way that feels permanent. I feel powerless against it- and it's like a heavy blanket rather than a surge of emotion or something- it's a surge of absence. ? What I notice is that it it's a survival state. During the time in which I feel this way, I don't feel numb so much as resigned- my feelings of closeness in relationship do feel numb but my feelings of resignation and melancholy are pervasive in all areas- it's like a depression. I don't know that it's well understood that we hurt, or that we feel and respond to betrayal and abandonment. I think we re-write abandonment readily because it's unbearable and scary. I really do. Like we always knew it was the reality and we pretend to adapt to it, ignore it as a possibility. We certainly do know how to survive and take care of ourselves so to speak- to protect ourselves from that horrible emptiness and pain and sadness. I know avoidants in real life who know this feeling well but in literature, I think it's missed.

I think there is a misunderstanding- some people feel overwhelmed by their feelings and maybe don't get that I might feel overwhelmed by a void. Physiology seems to play a part in both, research suggests.

Maybe it's that anxious go to anxiety and dismissives go to depression.
Health and environmental factors influence this as well. It's complex but there's a basic direction and it's away from others. So whatever you want to call it it's isolation.

It's hard to see the true motives of others in this state because it's survival, and I'm sure it darkens my perspective, makes it very difficult to trust. It is then that I trust and find comfort in myself. It's a retreat into a little world where I feel protected. But not happy or truly free. Just trying to prevent further pain and events spiraling out of control. Have to manage it! Managing and taking comfort in small successes becomes the priority. It reminds me if someone surviving on an island keeping despair at bay by diligently finding the grubs and drops of water to sustain them. Diligence and self soothing.

It is at this time that I feel lonely, but cannot express it. That's a fathomless pit, hard to approach. Don't even want to step to the edge and look in. I don't know if it's lonely because there is no longing with it. Just an isolation where I can't seem to find comfort in others and I realize something is missing. I'm Over Here. You're Over There. There is a chasm between us. I just observe the distance and breathe. I accept it and don't know what to say. I've seen paintings that portray it. Art does a good job.

This is different from the empowered and productive state a DA is accustomed to operating in. There is an independence that does not feel like isolation and its invigorating. I'm not referring to that here. Man, if we could only feel that always. If I feel oppressed by another, I will wrangle out of that and feel relieved. If I have my heart in and get punched there ... that's something I'm trying to understand and learn how to take care of better.

I don't really expect much interaction here but thought I'd give it a shot with nothing to lose. I'm looking for constructive and supportive input from like minded members or sources that recognize the suffering of avoidants compassionately. This may be too much to expect on the internet but let's have a go.

Maybe this is to vulnerable for you other DA's and I get that. I've had a lot of loss this year and I have fear of more and I'm willing to bounce things around if you are. I love hearing from men as well. Maybe because the avoidant mindset is considered a masculine one which is kind of weird to me, not sure I agree. But I think men are accused of not caring when they are actually super confused and hurt and don't know what to do with that and I guess I relate.

Anyway, I'm not looking to get into debate, I'm looking for some camaraderie or relatability. Also not looking for an Improve Introvert course because I'm just talking about my feelings and pursuing self improvement. I know a little about myself.