Post by annes on May 31, 2021 23:23:32 GMT
I am happy is finally summer and the pandemic is slowly coming to an end. This has been the hardest year of my life. I learnt so much about myself, it's incredible how you think you know yourself until pain punches on your face and forces you to deal with your sh*t. I ended a very long relationship a year ago and in retrospect I understand that I overstayed even if I was unhappy because of my codependency. Basically my whole life has been ruined by codependency. I could have spent those years differently. But I know that things need to go through a process of maturation. I needed to go through all of this in order to get to this point. Afterwards I went on many dates. I fixated on a FA - the only person during the last year who actually got my attention - and it was awful, I was ashamed for how much that hurt despite the very short time dating him, but now I'm glad of that experience because it really pushed me right to the core of my problem, the same problem that made me overstay in an unhappy relationship early on. So I had to really deal with loneliness for the first time in my life. I was falling into a spiral of anxiety and depression, I simply didn't know what self-care is, like, literally I didn't understand the concept of self-love. At some point I reached the bottom - I pushed some good, emotionally available guys away, all the while daydreaming about the flakey FA. Completely toxic and unhealthy. I realized I have a maladaptive daydreaming pattern since I was a child. As a child, I used to spend hours daydreaming about situations that I deeply desired but knew would never happen. I caught myself doing the same thing during this time of loneliness. Eye opening to realize that daydreaming can be an addiction, a way to escape from your life and get a high from unhealthy sources instead of dealing with what's in front of you. When I reached the bottom of self-pity and worthlessness something finally switched. I did everything in my power to learn how to take care of myself instead of seeking validation from others. I learnt to sit with the void, one of the most difficult things I've ever done, without the urge to fix it by seeking external sources of soothing. I understood where all of this really comes from, via attachment-based meditation I visualized what I didn't get as a child, why I have this big need of reassurance, the roots of my codependency. I read a lot of self-therapy books, did therapy myself, meditated, started exercizing (believe me if I tell you this has never been part of my routine), and I started to deliberately avoid people who felt inconsistent. Basically in dating I stopped trying to make things work out whenever I didn't see any effort from the other person, this way I filtered out a lot of people and came to terms with the fact that I probably will be single for a long time and I learnt to be okay with that. After all of the suffering I've been through in the last year (two years actually), I am so glad that now I feel a sense of control. Really I haven't felt so in peace for long, long time. It's very empowering. I am aware and make conscious choices based on what best serves my wellbeing. I feel like I've been learning a fundamental survival skill that will always be available, so nothing can devastate me anymore. Whenever I feel sadness and loneliness, I don't talk to myself as I used to, dismissing my needs and feelings. I now tell myself "these feelings are completely valid and understandable" and meditate to re-parent my inner child instead of falling again into a trap of self-abandonment. I hug this little child whom no one taught what healthy love actually looked like. I hug and caress her and tell her that I really understand her, and that we're going to get through this. I'm not dating consistently anyone at the moment to see if I'm actually secure, but I feel way more at peace within myself than ever, and this is really gold. I am also kind of afraid to get back to my anxiety, I am afraid this might be temporary to be honest, but I'm doing everything to keep going in that direction. I'm so grateful to have discovered attachment theory, this forum, and all of the resources to become secure. I want to do more. I want to grow. And I also understood that I'm not really interested in people who don't have a growth mindset. I find it very unattractive. I think that all of this is going to filter out people even more. Like things that I would tolerate in the past are now unacceptable to me. I feel like I'm between the stage of awareness - conscious security + unconscious insecurity - and unconscious security. I mean, I feel like I'm transitioning to a more internalized security, one that I don't have to think about but that comes naturally. Not there yet, but feels closer than ever before.
So basically I wanted to share my progress with you, also because most of the posts are about attachment insecurity but I wish I could read more about "recovery" experiences, about how people actually get to security. I want to learn from them.