Updates on my journey towards secure

annes, I was very touched and inspired reading your post. I'm avoidant and working on repairing my internal mechanisms that have led me into painful and maladaptive relationships, also. While our processes are dissimilar in some ways, in others they are very similar. I have found a lot of corrective experiences through various forms of help, the most recent being this forum where I actually have learned some very important things about taking care of myself. Re-parenting myself in ways that are similar to what you're describing.

I just wanted to say that although I come from the other side of the coin, I relate, and I am VERY happy for you that you have found that internal love and true respect and care for yourself. Over the years (I am just past the half century mark, doesn't that sound old?!? ) I have found that for myself, at least in a much greater degree than I used to have. And like you, I really only want the growth mindset around me, it's so important to gain support and inspiration and guidance from those around us. It's also very tiring to be around "stuck" people, although I try to be supportive when I can, I have to limit that influence in my life. All of my relationships are with people who are taking on the task of transforming themselves over time, by learning and growing.

Your true understanding of yourself and what you were lacking, and what you've been able to give yourself, is beautiful. I believe that is what we are meant to work on in this life- everybody has their own personal battle, things to discover and overcome- things that would be the ruin of us perhaps, if we were not to confront them.

Anyway, I am very happy for you. I look forward to hearing more about your story. And things you still struggle with... it's all a process that doesn't seem to end, for me at least.

Thank you, it's lovely to see that also people with other kinds of insecurities can relate. After all, we're all on the same boat. I personally particularly admire avoidants who work on themselves. To APs, there is an urge to "fix" coming from anxiety, so I think it's more likely for them to end up working on themselves (I read an article saying that APs are actually those who "grow more" after a breakup). Whereas for avoidants it feels like they have to do an extra work in first allowing themselves to feel the pain instead of going for the natural route of shutting down. And it's great you started in your 50s, it speaks tons on your growth mindset. This sense of feeling grounded is really new to me, and this forum has been fantastic because one thing is to read abstract theories, another thing is to see people like you going through the very same struggles. Major factor in my healing. I look forward to hearing more about your story too, I haven't read any posts in a while so I'm going to catch up!

annes, thank you for your kind words. It has been a long, non-linear path for sure. I think there is somewhat of a misunderstanding in non-avoidants, which is.... understandable! About what goes on inside of an avoidant. I would say that Jeb's writing is written by an avoidant in avoidant behavior, there is little or no compassion vulnerability in it. So I think he helps to create more misunderstanding. You can see he has little softness for avoidants though he is one himself (perhaps moved to more secure).

At any rate, I have read the Healing DA thread here and agree that there is a LOT going on inside of an avoidant. A lot of interpersonal stress, and as written there... a LOT of unmet needs from childhood. The needs are there. They have not been met. And an avoidant doesn't know what to do with them. There is only one thing to do with this overwhelming stuff... minimize it to make it manageable.

I imagine a kid with absent parents, hungry... who has seen her mother prepare a peanut butter sandwich and hand it off to the her and then leave. The child eats alone. The child gets hungry, and learns to make the sandwich herself. . She makes the sandwich and eats it alone, with none of the warmth experienced by the child whose mother smiles, invites the child to make the sandwich with her, then sits down to eat, sharing a meal and sweet moments together. This little girl did not experience the warmth, how can she know it's something that should, ideally, be available to her? It isn't natural to her. But if you could intervene, go to that child and really get inside her head... don't you think, as a natural human child, she would want, crave, love, be so happy about, the warmth? Of course she would. She doesn't know how to do all that and makes her sandwich, and eats it, alone. So at least she can feed herself. Ultimately, she learns to do much by herself! What else will she do? Thank goodness the ability to survive even exists. I feel pleased that I have looked out for myself when no one else would. Nobody can take that away from me.

I actually have spent many years exploring the meaning of life, deeper questions of purpose, but I've done so in isolation. All the human drives can be there, in an avoidant... but they do it all internally. There are many levels of avoidance, so naturally there are those who are so numbed out and shut down, they seem shallow, and live a shallow life. But not all avoidants are that way! I have recently come to understand that I am an HSP. And an avoidant in attachment style. So it's a complicated thing. I was searching for an finding meaning in my life, in isolation. Over the years, it was tragedy and hardship that brought me into closer connection- as I encountered kindness and help from people in vulnerable moments, it has re-created, maybe re-written if you will, experience of when I was a kid, and hurting, and not comforted or met in a meaningful way.

I've spent years opening up to kindness. I've spent years developing a trust in the goodness of people, and the world. Shutting down is real- I just wrote about it in the support forum. Much of my life was spent avoiding situations that would have me vulnerable enough to shut down. Skirting around the edge of relationships and life to avoid the shutting down that is a response to overwhelming vulnerability. So in my life now I still unfortunately experience this automatic, somewhat mystifying state but it's from vulnerability that I have CHOSEN and stepped into willingly doing the best I can.

It's confusing to me, what means what inside myself. I'm introverted, so is that operating more than avoidance? Now I understand I am an HSP- is that the driver of it all? So confusing! We are all a mixed bag. I agree with those who stop differentiating so much between all the insecure styles because they see the commonality.

I'd say, an avoidant is like a black walnut. The meat is in there, and it's good. But there is a LOT in the way, a lot of layers to get through. There is the husk and then this really thick hard shell and yes, it does take an impact of something to crack it. As with all growth- it comes from pain, in any of us. It's really hard for me to understand some things about the "opposite" style, but other things, it's like reading about myself.

I am currently in a relationship with someone who wants to make a sandwich and eat it with me. I couldn't be more blessed, and I also couldn't be more challenged because a lot of things are becoming apparent in me, challenges I have to work though to understand myself, and my SO. It's a lot but I choose it because I want it.

Anyway- I've gone on a bit of a tangent here. This is a good place for me to come write out things. I don't journal or go on about this in conversation, in my life. I do touch on things and talk about my growth process with people close to me, but this attachment stuff feels so deep and still confusing to me , it's preferable to try to hash it out with people who are really trying to understand it themselves. Many people aren't, it seems most people aren't even familiar with it. So thank you for being here and sharing your insides, I really appreciate it.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I really get where avoidance comes from. I checked out HSP and I guess this is also my case. The good thing is that we seem to appreciate deeply the arts and the good things of life, but when there is pain, it can really be overwhelming. Feeling too much - to quote a famous song - has its pros and cons. To be honest, I'm kinda glad to be HSP, it's essential for my work and for my creativity and originaly, and it makes me see things "deeper" than less sensitive people. However, this last year the pain was really too much, and I wish I was less emotional...But also not, haha.