It's all about regulating the nervous system

In regards to exercise, I found yoga, and really any sport that specifically forces you to concentrate and focus on balance and being present in the body, to be extremely helpful. This was partially due to learning to "stop" and completely shift into another mindset and then out of it again. Specifically I mean that, I found a yoga class I could actually attend on my work lunch hour, and (in retrospect) needing to quickly leave whatever work stress was happening behind for 45 minutes to fully concentrate on something entirely different in my body so that I didn't strain or hurt myself, then returning to work, started making me far more aware of how shifts in mood and stress and triggers and my body felt. Quickly because otherwise I wouldn't have enough time, but I think that the quick shifts into the class and back out afterwards really helped in itself too. This all eventually started contributing to reconditioning my nervous system in that I could more easily switch over to a more relaxed and focused state under stress once I learned what everything felt like. None of that was deliberate, I was only going to the class for fitness reasons, then noticed it quite some time later. I've read rock climbing can help with depression, I'd imagine for similar reasons, and I could see swimming being good in this way as well.

It's incredibly difficult to do any work when in a triggered state, whether deactivated or triggered anxious. You're in survival mode. In my opinion, it's really important to take note of what's going on and how you feel and maybe practice deliberately recognizing and pausing loops of distorted thought patterns at those times (even just short little pauses done with awareness will help over time), but I think the bulk of the progress happens when you're not in a triggered state. Which is ironically when people don't want to deal with their issues because they feel fine in those non-triggered periods and there's no sense of urgency. So, you may get better advice from someone struggling with avoidance than from me, but I'd say to be kind to yourself and maybe write down or take serious note of how you're feeling and find words to tell yourself what feeling deactivated feels like so you can reflect more on it later, but not try to force yourself into feeling a different way when you're disconnected. Think more about that after the deactivation passes, and don't make any big decisions during deactivation.

alexandra I think that's good advice, to pay attention to the thoughts. I have a lot of deactivating thoughts... and what gets confusing is that I get caught in the trap of believing them or taking them seriously. I really feel like it's possible to drift away, when that's really not my intention at all and this I'm sure can prove to be a very constructive time. I know it's constructive (provided he is really committed and accountable for working on what he says he's working on, and I don't have reason to doubt that). I am doing good things inside and for myself and am using this time very constructively- both for myself and for the relationship (those two things are interdependent). It's just the weirdness of deactivating. I don't feel triggered. I "feel" normal, but without the loving feelings that are there with regular contact. I know this about myself and I initiate contact consistently in this relationship. I consider it necessary to be IN the relationship. This is the first time I have experienced this particular thing- stopping contact as agreed so we can both take space and work individually, to strengthen the relationship - and my attachment has become muted. I feel very relaxed but like I could just fail to reconnect. Perhaps that is just a fear, without substance. Because when we have been in contact for a boundaried reconnection and checking in, I did feel normal and happy to connect, and even affectionate. It was nice. It's just odd that it becomes so muted in absence. Maybe it's there and I'm muting it myself to avoid vulnerability? Maybe the deactivating thoughts kick in habitually on order to not feel out of control or vulnerable. I am simply not sure.

I definitely need to be aware of thoughts and question them. Thoughts like "Maybe I am best outside of a relationship. Maybe this isn't meant to be. Maybe we will both drift apart and realize this wasn't what we thought it was." That seems so ridiculous given the good growth we have had. And, I want the relationship- I just have these snags related to avoidance.

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to take it.